I was devastated On october 19 th when I found an email from a dating site that said"We had really great sex last night why haven't you called?" Then three weeks later after extensive fighting talking and counselling. My husband gave me a new peice of information. He had an affair four other times with men. Personally the affair was enough.But now I had to deal with the possibility of my husband being gay. We talked and lots of stuff came out and now we are supposed to be at a pretty good point in our relationship but I still have such terrible doubts.He said he wasn't gay and it was just a thing he wanted to try out. He is so different now. It is like he changed his whole person. He loves more and is just a great guy. So why can't I get over this. How do I trust again? How do I know I'm not his closet. So many unanswered questions. Does it ever end?

U both need to get STD tested ASAP.

U both need to get into serious MC.

Call Steve H @ MB ASAP.

U R dealing with multiple issues on both sides.

Please read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Then call Steve for phone counseling.

I am sorry you are dealing with this but part of recovery requires both to confront the demons of the A.

L.

STD test wher done as well as marital counselling. I have talked to multiple therapists and I get the same response. trust takes time. I try to believe him. He is trying sooo hard but I just don't know how to get over the shock of it. Thanks for the concern though

Mere,

Not done yet. You still haven't said if you read those books and are willing to give Steve a call.

For recovery to work, there must be a plan. The healing has to happen on both sides and then you both need closure. You must help each other but only AFTER you have individually helped yourselves.

Read the books and talk to Steve. It w/b worth the $$.

L.

Trust takes time - but I am not sure that is what is needed or even possible here merbell.

Your husband's behavior is not unique - but is also not a typical affair. Your husband has deeper issues than unet needs, sex addiction being one of those issues. While calling the Harley's is a good idea for YOU, in this case, I think more help is required. If your husband is truely gay, I don't think there is much hope for your marriage ~ and I am so very sorry to write that.

Trust is something that comes over time, with trustworthy, transparent behavior on his part, and self-confidence in your own ability to deal with further betrayal should it occur.

I think trust is the last thing you should be worried about. Instead, getting to the source of your husband's acting out (if he'll cooperate) and ensuring that you are safe in all apects (including NO SEX with him until you do trust) is far more important. Do you have children?

merbell - Six months is not enough time to "get over" any adulterous action by a spouse, so don't beat yourself up over this. The average recovery timeframe is 2 years.




"Blind trust" is gone for good. "Earned trust" can be rebuilt, but it too is going to take a long time, not just a few months of "good behavior" by your husband.




This is the more "serious" question. Your husband may want to think that he is not homosexual (perhaps 'fooling' himself into thinking he is "just" bisexual) but he is homosexual. FOUR times is not an "experiment" of curiousity. In addition, HIV can take a long time to manifest itself, so you are going to need repeated tests over many years to "rule out HIV."

merbell, you and your husband need extensive counseling. Right now it sounds as though your husband is "acting" for you because he got caught. Had you not caught him, he would still be engaged in sex with women and men.

Suffice it to say that he is "all about me" and doing whatever he wants.

It is equally obvious that Christ plays no part in his life, so anything along the lines of "God said..." is meaningless to him and would be rejected out of hand. So what reason does he have to be faithful to you other than fear or something he gets out of being married to you?

Would he want to stay married to you if you said that there would be no sex for at least 2 years, while waiting for HIV tests to be taken and read?

Are there any children? How long have you been married?

To answer all your questions.Yes we have children three, one was just barely born before this all happened. This was in fact one of the contributors. We have been married for 10 years in mid April and this was the first time any of this happened. We have gone through counselling and as for the God stuff, no he didn't find God until after this happened. He has since been Babtised for the first time since he was born and has become a committed church member. What came out in therapy was that he had an incredibly addictive behaviour pattern and had to stop all his vices including sex addiction , alcoholism, smoking, and even drinking coffee. Since that happened he also attended meetings for addictions as well. We have had multiple STD tests but the sexual acts that he did was pretty low risk anyway so we are not incredibly concerned on that point. The therapists also told us to not worry about the homosexuality because it seemed to be linked to the sex addiction. He also no longer masturbates 6 to 10 times a day and no porno in the house or on the computer. The affairs started with internet dating sites. Until last year he did not have affairs or work access to computer but last year he switched jobs, had a new baby and discovered the internet and easy accesss to porn and dating sites. My problem is, the days when I start to feel insecure, it seems all of my insecurities seem to bubble up at the top and I need to know this will eventually end and get better.I know the therapists say it takes time but I have a hard time believing them because half of them have never been married let alone gone through anything like this. That is what I need is support and reassurrance. That is why I am here.

I understand how desperately you need support.. that is also why I am here. I have a hard time continuing on this very difficult path. Just know you are not alone.