And I need some support! Two weeks ago I stopped my husband from writing checks on my account, and he's been furious at me ever since. Lucky for him, he got a $400 check the next day, so he could put off job hunting a little longer. But now, money is getting tight and he still isn't seriously looking. He's beeing rude to me and the kids, won't talk to me, yells at everyone, kicks the dog. Ok, why do I feel like a jerk? Because I feel sorry for him and now I'm going to divorce him and he will lose the acreage he wanted, the family he wanted, he has no job, no money, no where to live. I know I should think of myself and my kids, but that seems so selfish....I did promise to love him no matter what in the wedding vows. I just don't feel loving at all anymore tho.

Took the kids to my mom's for Easter; we had a wonderful time, kids were well behaved, no tension or yelling, it was great.

"Love" is not enabling someone to be abusive to you. "Love" is not enabling someone to take advantage of you. "Love" is not teaching someone to be unable to take care of themselves and that it's ok to not take responsibility.

Think about it. You love your children, right? Would you allow them to behave like this because you love them? Or, instead, would you teach them life skills so they can be successful in life.

That's love.

Just because he wants to call dysfunctional codependent enabling behavior "love" doesn't make it true. You don't have to believe it -- not if if he says it again and again and not even if he says it REALLY LOUD.

Mys

And, what did he promise?

You are thinking of the kids and he is thinking of himself.

You want to "love" him? Then make him take responsibility for himself right now. It may take a week, it may take a year, but he'll feel that "love" eventually.

You feel sorry for your hubby for kicking the dog? What did the dog do to deserve this? Sorry, I'm an animal lover and I find this repulsive when someone just kicks the dog because he's having a bad day.

You feel like a jerk because he is testing your boundaries. Take a step back and realize that he is not holding up his end of the bargain...you are having to make him. He is the one at fault here, not you. As hard as this is, you will not regret it because either: 1) he will get his act in gear given no other choice 2) he will not/cannot get his act in gear and you will have protected yourself and the kids from his lack of personal responsibility.

Anna, you're feeling like a jerk because he's manipulating you into feeling like a jerk. Don't fall for it.

I'm sure you've been very clear about what he needs to do in order to keep you, the family, the home, the acrage, on down the line. If he choses not to do those things, it's his choice. You didn't prevent him from meeting his obligations.

And yes, Cinderella is right on the money. What did he promise? He promised to love, honor and cherish you. Or maybe he promised to suck you dry. You signed on to be a WIFE, not the parent of a misbehaving 15 year old.

YOu're all right. Last week he was behaving like a spoiled child who had his toys taken away; yesterday and today he's acting like everything's fine. Well, I got paid and was able to pay ALL the bills because I didn't make his car or insurance payments or give him gas money. That felt so good!!!! I even had enough to buy a new bath rug, the old one had holes in it. He still hasn't found a job; I think he believes I won't divorce him until he gets one. Wrong. I meet with my lawyer on Monday........but it's hard to keep reminding myself to go thru with it when he's acting decent. I keep telling myself he's still not making money, no sex, and he will yell at the kids again.

Your creep husband is now kicking innocent animals?

GET RID OF HIM HE IS A CRAPPY PERSON AND TERRIBLE HUSBAND. Anyone who hurts a precious animal has a screw loose. That shows how abusive they are. Next he will be beating on the kids and he is already verbally abusing them.

Hey your kids beg you to divorce him they cannot stand him and he cannot tolerate them! If I was one of your kids I would keep on you until you divorced him. Since I would know how hard it was for you. Forget the guilt, just divorce him or at least kick him out. You dont need that huge millstone around your neck dragging you down offering you nothing.

Dont let him fool you by being nice. Every abuser goes thru the "nice" cycle and then right back to abuse. It keeps you on edge. It keeps all the kids on edge. It keeps the dog on edge if he is around.

Let him run to another woman fool who will support and support and support him forever and will ask for nothing in return. Be done with him in your life.

Oh I forget this man does offer you something in the marriage.......ABUSE!

Anna, you're not a jerk. You are a woman....God's beautiful daughter. And do you think your father wants you treated this way?

I'll be seeing my lawyer on Tuesday. Now to just figure out how to get H to move out......... he's moping around like a sick puppy.

Hi Anna,

I think that the reason you're feeling this way is because you want to be sure that you are doing everything right. Since your husband is hurting (i.e., the "sick puppy"), I think many people would have second thoughts. You've made your decision and you're following through with it. My wife was the driving force in our separation, and I think that throughout the process, I was having difficulty accepting that she was actually going through with it.

Remember, that you have made the decision, and you are much farther along in the associated grieving process. I'm pretty sure that denial is towards the early part of that process. I think seeing an attorney is the best step to move all of this forward.

Giles