You have been given some good solid advice here Scared. What do you propose to do with it?

No one is trying to make you angry - everyone is trying to get your attention and show you that you are wading into something that you don't want a part of.

Believe me, what you have been called tonight is nothing in comparison what I called the ow that my husband had 'benefits' with.

Now that you attention has been gained, read the articles, read the books, talk to your husband, quit your job. Show that you are running very far in the opposite direction of this man who wants to be your friend.

S&A, what you plan on doing is WORSE than prostitution, IMO, it is putting out for free. At least a prostitute is smart enough to get paid for her services. If you are going to put out, ie: "friends with benefits," at least be as smart as a prostitute and get paid for your services. That is the behavior of a TRAMP and it can't be glossed over as anything else. We can call it a rose, but it is really just an old wh*re.

Now, you came here looking for justification to put out for free with your coworker. ["friends with benefits"] Surely, you don't think anyone here is going to help you crawl down into that nasty pig pen? We won't. We will help you do the right thing if you choose to do that.

We will help you crawl out of that nasty little emotional affair you have been engaging in if you want the help. BUT, we won't help you rationalize or romanticize a filthy affair.

scared

you have come to a place where people are hurting because their spouse has done exactly what you are considering

and honestly, you do sound "amused" about it....

maybe that's what's causing people to react so strongly

what you are considering doing to your spouse is the MOST hurtful thing anyone can do

it will change your marraige forever....if it doesn't end it

it will change both of you forever

it will take away your spouses belief in the vows of marraige FOREVER

WHY would you do this to someone who loves you?

if my H had ever said to me "i'm considering finding a friend with benefits to give me attention and affection because you aren't"

i would have DONE SOMETHING TO CHANGE THINGS

you are at an important crossroads

do you follow someone who is already a liar and a cheater down the road that makes you a liar and a cheater and fills you with shame and guilt

or do you take your husband by the hand and walk down a road together that will lead to a happier marraige that meets your needs and saves your dignity and self respect?

HOnestly Bigkahuna, I wouldn't consider beeing called a slut good advice- For starters I dont think I will ever be putting my emotions out on a forum so they can be made a mochary. As for few bits of advice that make sense, i need to trully see if my feeling in my marriage can be repaired or if non related to the co-worker- my daughter and I continue a different path. I am not quite sure if the road my husband and I have traveled can be repaired. See what no one bothered to grasp is that the whole emotional affair is not soley based on the physical. As I said in the begining of my post, he is a friend- and althoug he has cheated on his wife, in many occasions, he has actually counceled me back to my husband and avoided us from splitting apart. Some individuals, rather than automatically make assumptions of peoples lives or character, should learn to read, and ask questions, rather than make some one feel like trash.

does your H even KNOW there IS a problem in your marraige?

My dear - you are exhibiting ALL the hallmarks of the wayward mindset right now. Your current feelings are very much related to this co-worker even if you don't see it now.

As I said to you above - TELL YOUR HUSBAND about this co-worker and your feelings. READ the material. DO IT!!!!!!

We ALL want to save you from this dangerous path you are ON RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN Love your husband again but ONLY if you END this sleazy affair NOW.

yes, he well aware. We have been trying to fix the issues for about 9 months now. but after a few weeks of good, it all goes back to the same old person. I know that I am not perfect, but it makes for a miserable life to sit a table of three to dinner in silence. To be told that he is not a "park type person" to have to always do things on mu own with my daughter, to come home to a bitter person who wont talk to you because you are disrupting his relax time watching tv. to clean the house spotless on your day off, so that later you can be told _ this is clean?" - and then to have to roll over and perform the obligations of a good wife in bed? -

Is this the same wonderful fella who is now offering "friends with benefits?" [aka putting out for free] How will getting it on with this fella help your marriage? He is not your friend, dear. He is the OTHER MAN. He is no friend to any marriage, least of all, yours.

There is no difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair, they are equally as bad.

S&A, you won't find many folks on this forum who will mince words or help you romanticize a filthy affair. "Friends with benefits" [affair sex] is about as romantic as 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen to most normal people. I am sorry it makes you angry to see your affair treated so shabbily, but they really do look quite cheap and shabby through the eyes of the NON fog bound.

If you would take the time and read through, 10 or 15 of the first posts in threads in the "Just Found Out Forum" where people post having just found out their spouse of 2,7,15,25,or 35 years is having an affair, and read the utter dispair and chaos an affair brings into their lives, I believe you would have second thoughts.

Purchase and read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley, and read every thing you can on this website about how infidelity mucks up the lives of not only the affair partners, but everyone around them.

If you looked a Nagasaki right after we dropped the Atom Bomb, that's a look at how your life will look when the affair is discovered. And even if it's never discovered, it's how your soul will look to you, absolute and utter destruction.

Please find a positive way to avoid making the worst decision of your life. Avoid contact with this man for the rest of your life, or you will lose footing on the slippery slope. Put your thoughts and energy into create ways to rekindle your love for the man who you married, for better or worse.

Please, for your own good.

SD

It seems as if your mind is made up - your husband is not meeting your needs and you need someone who will.

Fine. get a divorce.

then, wait a while- give yourself time to heal and grow

then you can start dating.

I imagine your friend won't be quite so friendly then. I can bet that type of friends doesn't want a friend who is single. No, he doesn't want someone who is going to want all of his attention - he has to share his attention.

I feel sad for your child. As a child of divorce, it is going to make her life so exicting. She'll get passed around, used as a pawn, her wedding will be so much fun when she has to choose which parent she can show favor to and who she is going to hurt. Yeah, you are setting her up for a lifetime of happiness.

How long before he kicks you aside for the next easy lay that comes along? This man is no friend to you, S&A. He is an opportunist who is looking for an easy piece. You will be kicked aside in short order. How will you feel at work when he quickly moves onto the next one?

You would sacrifice your marriage, family and principles for a guy who will toss you aside like used toilet paper when he is done with you? He has done it to many others. Including his wife.

here is a post from someone who just made the choice your are considering



I have been married for eleven years and have been faithful until recently. It started off as a friendship and then turned into an affair. I feel bad about this and don't know how to make this right. I love my husband very much and have no intentions of telling him. I still talk to OM, who is also married, but I plan to stop contact. I seem to be having such a hard time cutting all communication with the OM. Before this affair I was a good person. Great mother and wife, but now I just feel like an evil person. I look back to try to figure out how this happened and I do understand how it happened, but just don't know how to get out of it.

Thank you SD- I will take your advice. To set the record straight. I have not had a physical affair. I came here for help on setting my emotions straight. I understand most of you are hurting. But for the future *********** harshness and crudeness do not accomplish anything. If you are trully here to HELP- you may reanalize your inner anger- and work this out on your own. Not on individuals that come here for help. This will be my last post before I remove myself from your forum. As the only advice that i found helpfull came from those not pointing a finger. *********************edit*********

S & A,

My H and I did not meet each other's ENs for the first 30 years of our M. I looked for a way out. Two years later, he had an EA and when I found out, I decided this was my justification to get out.....until DS25 begged both H and me to fight for our family.

We are fighting to stay married and my H has changed.....practically overnight (see my sig line for story).

I wish H had consulted here before he actually began his EA to see how devastating it would be. Now, so does he.

We're both thankful he was caught before it became physical.

'Harsh' is an understatement.

Ace

Even your admitted involvment in an EA means that you should have No Contact with this man ever again. Please know that is a vulnerability for LIFE, as you HAVE crossed a marital boundary with him, and to remain in contact is much like allowing an alcoholic to sit in a bar all day, and expecting him/her to resist drinking.

Best wishes,
SD

When you are tempted to move from the emotional level to the physical level, I truly hope ALL the posts will come back to you and remind you of why you don't want to move to that level.

I think you are a little confused though- just because it has not become physical does not mean that it is not an affair- it does not mean that less damage has been done to your marriage - it does not mean that you can keep working with this friend and expect your marriage to get better.

I would guess that in the back of your mind you've been thinking that you have a back up plan- if things don't work out with your husband, you'll have your friend to fall back on. Yeah, that friend listens, yeah he tells you he likes to do things with kids, he tells you he'll spend hours on foreplay, yeah he is telling you a lot to get you interested. He's making himself sound real good- much, much better than the man you have been married to- I bet he tells you he doesn't fart or wake up with morning breath, too.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence- that is because it is growing over the sewer.

Just like you I bet your husband feels neglected. He has a beautiful daughter yet his wife is on the road with other males. I am sure he feels neglected and where he works he sees some “hot chicks”. Since sex is a chore with his wife he finds a woman that he is attracted to.

Now suppose your husband came to a website that tries to promote fidelity, what would you want us to tell him? If he came here we would be told to keep it in his pants and think about his family. You are being told the same thing but I just shake my head when I read your post.

Now you are willing to throw everything away for a guy that cheated on his wife already? A guy that thought no more of you as a person than to try and entice you in to letting him use you for sex? Let me tell you a little story.

My wife probably thought the same thing. She decided to have a friends with benefits relationship. When I found out I divorced her and she lost her family and home. I cut her loose immediately since I had no reason to want her anymore. She used me for security and now she does not have that. I can assure you I never let myself go and the guy she cheated on me with was a joke of a guy. I think she assumed that if she got caught she could lie her way out of it. Instead, she lied her way out of her home and her kids that she claimed to love. I dumped her and now I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways. She ended up losing everything yet I am happy to be done with her. If you cheat don’t assume that your husband will take you back.

Try and imagine how it would feel if your husband cheated on you. How would you feel if some gal decided to have some fun with your husband and then he decided to dump you and run off with another woman?

If you still think this is a good idea and want to be single at least be a decent person and tell your husband and divorce him. Also make sure that you pay him child support so when you are not traveling and sleeping with this other man you at least know you are doing the right thing for your child.

I really hope you see the light but I have my doubts. I wish you could talk to my ex wife. She can tell you what life is like after getting caught and losing everything. I just think if you are going to do this please understand what may happen to you later. I hope this gets through to you. I am not telling you this to be mean but to make you think.

Also read the stories here. Again, not every husband will take you back. I for one will dump any woman that cheats. Just my humble opinion.

S&A, I am sorry you have seen your beautiful little fantasy all torn apart here with more realistic terminology, and heard things you didn't want to hear. But be assured that the only "harsh" or "crude" thing here is your affair, ie: "friends with benefits," with your serial cheater "friend."

You actually came here looking for justification of an affair under the cute label of "friends with benefits," taking your emotional affair to the bedroom. Unfortunately, you did not hear what you wanted to hear.

There are just no pretty words to describe a filthy, putrid affair, I am sad to say. We can call it a rose or a butterfly, but it will still be an ugly, nasty, filthy ole affair. And there is no justification for a filthy affair. Marital problems are no excuse for affairs.

That opinion does not come from being "angry," it comes from being DECENT. You will find out the hard way that most decent people are repulsed by affairs. And decent people are always outraged by injustice, ya know?

I hope that you can reflect on what you are doing by having an affair and think about what you will be doing to your family before you ruin your own life. What you are doing and planning on doing is very "harsh" and very "crude." Take care.

S&A, please don't run off just because it got a little bumpy. This site has a high number of betrayed spouses, and when folks see someone show up with selfish sense of self-entitlement, which is what allows affairs to take place, it's almost a knee-jerk reaction to oppose that view. There are many real victims here, and the scenario of which you speak is filled with far more peril than you can possibly know.

There are also trolls from other sites who pop up from sites that encourage infidelity and taunt people here who are suffering immensely, through no fault of their own.

Stick around...read...learn...ask questions...share your feelings...and be prepared to take a 2x4 to the head if your thinking is off the mark and self destructive. The doors not locked, and you can leave whenever you want. There are many caring people here from whom you can learn. Maybe you can teach us a thing or two, as well?

SD