My husband told me the other night after I found out he had gotten a phone # to some 19 yr old bimbo while he was on a trip to Fl. He denies calling her,or having any sexual contact with her. He says he doesnt know why he even took her phone number..but he told me last night that he has always thought he was kinda ugly to average and MAYBE he has a problem. ( he has done this before) alot of flirting and lying about other women to me inthe past) although he keeps insisting that nothing sexual has ever happened.
Is it possible that he does have low self esteem, like he says and that it does make him feel sexy and attractive when women flirt back with him???? Thats his explanation of all the previous sneaking behind my back and lying about other women, There have been 5 in the 6 years that I know about...
Any suggestions?? He says he loves me and wants to work on "this problem" but he doesnt know if he can stop it...

Help me cuz I am sick and tired of his lies and flirting with other women and doing crap behind my back. I always feel hurt and betrayed yet I keep forgiving him, ( i never forget though)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

look for RESPECT

I would for sure say it has something to with esteem, thrills and something new. My husband told me that he always thought of himself as the ugly kid, I told him so what, please forgive me but I still have no sympathy, its an excuse, can't say that I totaly believe he is completely innocent with these women. Ask him why he would want to keep hurting you with taking phone numbers. even if nothing is happening. I am also learning that some people do not have a sense of self, they go off of someone else's opinions and thoughts, if someone invites them for inappropriate behavior they just chime in because they don't know who they are enough to say no.

If a male or female had low self-esteem and thought themselves ugly and un-attractive to the opposite sex, I would think flirting would be the LAST thing they would want to do.

A confident, good looking person, with a slightly cocky attitude, seems to me, is the flirty one.

"" that it does make him feel sexy and attractive when women flirt back with him???? ""

I think it's a load of bullpoop. Tell him to come up with something better than that.

IMHO

kirk

He probably has low self esteem because it sounds like there is not much to esteem here. A serial cheater lies and cheats; not too much to esteem about that. Self esteem has to be EARNED, it does not come by acting sleazy.

Luly,

Sounds like he is "testing the waters." After d-day for my FWH's 8-month PA which followed an EA of indeterminite length, I learned that he had for years been collecting phone numbers of women in bars etc. while on business travel and also experimenting with computer dating.

I had no idea! All it took for him to cross over into a PA was someone willing to take that step with him. He suffered poor self esteem too because he didn't feel that I was attracted to him enough.

IMHO, I would be very concerned over this behavior, especially the "I don't know if I can stop." Even if it hasn't gone beyond flirting etc. technically it's cheating if he wouldn't do it in your presence and eventually he will take that step into a PA if he hasn't already.

WHO

Thanks for the input..I really don't know what to do. H is trying to be a little more affectionate, he puts his arm around me at night and well for him thats a biggie I guess.
I called Catholic charities and they offer family & marriage conseling, so I left a message and am waiting for a call back. I asked H last night if he would go or I would go alone, cuz I know I need some help to sort thru all this. He said he would go, now we have to see if he actually follows thru and does go with me.
H has not gotten on here like he said he would last week. He keeps saying that maybe he does have a problem and that he will get help, but I really want him to get on here and at least get some insight, as I really think he is totally clueless about what it takes to keep a marriage intact.
For now, the 19 yr old BIMBO has not answered my many messages, so I have my H side of the story only. Will she call me??? Who knows and if she does will she tell me the truth as to what happened between them????

For now, I am trying to stay cool towards H. I listen when he comes home from work, but I am keeping my distance.

I cant seem to find the Plan A steps ..if someone can give me the link I want to review them again..
Thanks

you are wasting your time calling the 19 year old.

if you want the truth out of your H and can't trust him based on his actions... I would suggest the following.

tell your H that you wish to believe him but that his actions have made that impossible right now. tell him that you want two things taken care of immediately...

post nuptual agreement that gives you all of the marital assets in the event of infidelity and

he submits to a polygraph exam to prove that he is telling the truth regarding this being no more than a "fishing expedition."

Suggest these 2 things and watch for his response... it will be telling. Have ready the name of a polygraph examiner in your area. The cost will be about $500... well worth it for peace of mind.

My IC thinks that anyone that has screwed up in a M and now professes to be telling the truth should jump at the chance to prove their innocence. His failure to agree to this would be a HUGE indicator for me that a bigger problem exists. I can tell you as a former cop... anyone that was under a cloud of suspicion with no apparent way out would jump at the chance to take a lie detector test. Your H should be willing to do the same to clear himself and to help you.

MEDC

As a fww myself, over the last few years I've done a lot of analyzing and agonizing over why I did what I did and when I get right down to it, it's this:

My selfishness = my cheating.

Simple as that.

Anything else is really just excuses.

I would like to add that that if your H is insecure about being attractive to you then one of his EN's is admiration. Maybe you should try telling him more often how much he means to you and how attractive he is without sounded like you are trying to butter him up.

I feel like you H. I think I am very attractive but because my H doesn't tell me I don't know if he finds me attractive. If he were to start telling me he found me attractive more it would definitely make huge deposit into my LB.

OK< First my H will NOT take a lie detector test..he says his word should be good enough for me ( NOT) so that is a wasted subject.
And I do tell him he is sexy and attractive, I tell him that often..but apparently it isnt good enough that I tell him :-(
WHEN we do have sex, I always initiate it and always tell him that it was good, and that he has a cute butt etc..so I dont know how much more I can try and make him feel wanted and loved and attractive...

If he flatly refuses to take the polygraph... he is lying and should be history in my book. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Yes, his word should be good enough... but since he has cheapened it with his actions, it no longer is. It's a shame he did not take care of his most important gift... his integrity.