Here's what they told me to do: Mrs. Pain, please start a thread, so that we can help you. Tell us what's happening, fill us in, okay. If you post, you will get a plan, something tangible that you can follow without thinking so much...

Okay, here goes......

Currently, (I'll give the backup story later) my H is involved in an EA that I believe has gone on for about a year. However, he has been "too" friendly with the OW since 2003. I've had several conversations with her and him and she told me as of yesterday that she was sorry and never meant to hurt me. He told me as of today that I had no right to talk to her, or check his emails, phone, etc...and that I have been a neglectful, disrespectful wife and that all he's ever done is love me and try to help her. He sees nothing wrong with the relationship, whereas even she feels it's wrong.

This is the second EA that he has had. The first one was while I was pregnant with our DD. He came to me and told me he kissed another woman. He apologized and I accepted although I felt like I had been broadsided by a MAC truck. I thought it was over, but soon learned that it wasn't and it didn't end until AFTER my son was born. In the meantime he showed me pictures that the other OW gave him and cards and stuff.

The current OW came into the picture immediately after the other ended, but of course they were "just friends". He says my suspiciousness caused this one, I think it happened because he wanted it to. He still lives at home but as of last night wants me to look into selling our house and filing for D. I really don't care either way at this point, except for our kids. I am tired of wearing my BF's ear out, and I don't know what step to take next, and I appreciate your support in advance.

Bump, for help...

I'm sorry that you find yourself here...please do not believe his lies...you DID NOT cause anything!

Are these women your WH works with? Have you exposed to family, friends, work, etc? Do you really not care either way?

I would let your H know that you do not want a D, that you want your M. Get Surviving an Affair and read it. Read the plethora of articles on this site. Can you afford counseling? Can you afford the Harley's? If you are ready and willing, Plan A would be your first step.

Oh, and I wholly agree with S4B, you caused nothing. HE CHOSE HIS EA.

hi there... sorry you're facing this.
have you read the marriage-builder "basic concepts" yet?
(there's a link in the "red area" at the top of the page)

You say he "blames you for everything". Do you feel like you understand what things are really important to him, and what he truely blames you for?

Thats another way of asking, do you believe you understand his "emotional needs", as they are called in the MB basics?

Do you also know what behaviours you currently do, he would consider "love busters"?

Thank you both for responding.

I believe I have done Plan A both times and when he's in a humble mood, he says all the right things, "it's not my fault, he is to blame, he is wrong, etc.".

We are in the same congregation as the current OW. Everyone knows something is going on between them.

He will not accept help from ANYONE. He is wallowing in self pity right now and I am trying to accept that (like the crazy talk of Job while he was being tested) but it's hard when he starts to blame me for everything. I want to speak up but he is like Silent's husband and picks apart everything I say and lately he is getting very angry with me.

He works at night and last night he came home on his break at 3am and threatened me and questioned me. Thankfully the kids were not home. Last time he did it, they were and my DD was scared to death. She has never seen her father this way and has never seen us anything other than happy.

I don't want to ruin my kids lives but I don't think I want to try anything I don't want to be with him. It's too hard.

My problem now is I don't have anywhere to go and neither does he. I realize that he doesn't really want her, or he would be with her because she is/was more than willing to be with him. Now she feels guilty because of talking with me yesterday and she emailed me today that she wants to die....

I believe he is home sleeping, but who knows. Maybe they are somewhere consoling each other....I don't know. But, it's too hard to try your best to love someone and have your heart ripped out, stomped on and then thrown in your face, more than once.

My WH has had TWO EA/PA's! I understand the continued battery of affairs. The first question that you must answer is 'Do you want to save your M?'. Plain and simple.

First answer just that question.

No, I don't feel like I understand him or his needs at this point at all. I thought I knew him. The problem is that he is extremelly vague with me even though I have asked him to state things specifically. He feels that I should "know him by now" and that he is tired of repeating himself. He has this huge communication problem with me, but can't seem to keep his lips closed with OW.

As a matter of fact, he called her in front of me yesterday and was nice to her on the phone and hung up and was yelling at me. She told me afterward that she had never heard him that way before and that it scared her. She said all this time she thought I was making up how he was with me because he is a totally different person with her. I told her I wish I knew that person and I hope she never has to experience this one.

I know it sounds strange that I am communicating with her, but she is the only one that will communicate with me (two-way, anyway) about this and I do feel sorry for her. She has a broken heart and realizes that she is to blame for a lot of this mess.

The other problem is that I think my H might be addicted to Ambien. He has been taking it for the past couple of months. He has had sex with me w/out remembering and called people (including OW) w/out remembering. That is how I found out about this whole EA this time. He did not delete some messages that she had sent him from a night when he had taken the medicine. She expresses her concern for his health as have I. He listens to her more than me, but not even in this area.....

I know that God expects me to try to save my marriage unless there is abuse or adultery. But I can honestly say that the love is fading fast.

I just know that this will KILL my kids.

Mrs. P, hang in there. There is still much you can do before giving up, and then at least you can know for a fact that you did everything you could.

Please do a search on amazon.com for the bood *Not Just Friends*. It explains EAs in detail and has opened a lot of eyes - even those of people like your WH.

Oh, and take the EN questionnaire here on this site immediately if not sooner. If WH won't fill it out, you fill it out for him and then post the results here on this thread.
Mulan

This is abuse! Verbal and Emotional abuse in addition to what you had already gone through.

Please d what's best for you and your kids...he has already terrorized one...

I understand how hard this is for you, but you have to get out...has there been any other abuse or things like the threats in the past?

DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD FROM THE OW. Look up my sitch as I take the cake (and ate it for months) with trying to be the OW's friend because I felt sorry for her and wanted to help her. (Even sent her a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" when I sent my H's handwritten NC letter because OW thought the emailed one 3 months prior was orchestrated by me b/c H didn't make any typical typos.....it was all from him, tho.)

SHE WAS SO CONVINCING....and lied through her teeth. Even my H said "she's a worst liar than me...probably already has another guy." That helped me start withdrawal.....yes OW withdrawal was real for me....and finally used the info she 'shared with me' to find OW H so we could expose to him. (Before this, I was blackmailing her.)

Still trying to find that thread for gsh, but it's in the recovery forum posted just before Valentines day.

Ace

Wow. well, drugs (prescription or otherwise) can certainly make things complicated.
Ambien would seem to be a prescription drug. you might see if you can talk to his doctor about possible side effects. While he cant legally tell you about your husband's condition... he should be able to tell you more about possible side effects.. and as his physician, it may be important for him to hear about any altered behaviour of his patient.
Not neccessarily the "he's having an affair" part, but day-to-day things. like the apparent blackouts.

I'm no expert on successfully dealing with someone who is having an "in your face" affair, so cant give you much help on how to address his behaviour towards you in that area. But in the general case, I would suggest that you first read up and internalize, about how to avoid "love busters" - types of behaviour that blow up unneccessary conflict between you.

Overall, you'll definately want to read up on, and work on, building up positive feelings in him for you, in his "love bank". but that takes time to understand, and time to get rolling.
Negative types of confrontation between you, will undermine any efforts to rebuild positives between you, faster than you can build them up. So I'd definately suggest working on eliminating the negatives ASAP, if you want something to work on "Right Now!!!" :-).

Plus, it's something that you can definately do right away, because it's about you. So, it might give you a sense of accomplishment to build on, the fastest.
Figuring out his emotional needs, can be tricky, particularly if he wont cooperate with you and identify them for you. So it can take longer.
Sometimes, figuring out his list of "love busters" can be tough, too. but "the basics" link, should help you eliminate the obvious "biggies" right away.

You might consider posting here, the types of love buster you identify yourself as having done most commonly, for suggestions on how best to avoid repeating that behaviour in the future.

Strivin-there is a hole in my DS's bedroom door that I tried to cover up with a picture. DS takes it down sometimes and says, "Daddy hit my door right there". There is also a broken window sill in my bedroom, a broken fan and several dents in the walls from things hitting them.

Again, I don't think he would ever hurt me, but he is increasing in his temper lately.

I have tried to be as pleasant and "normal" as possible around him. I don't ask him questions, and when he talks, I just listen. But lately it is all negative spew and my body is tense from it at all times.

I woke up and left the house before he came home from work this morning. I went to Starbucks and sat in there for 2 hours. Then came to work an hour early. He was blowing up my phones and I did not answer for about an hour. When I did, he continued to question me and spew at me. I told him I had to go to the bathroom and hung up. I haven't heard from him since.

I have been reading about EA's for about a year now to try to understand the last one because he never has allowed me to have any questions answered after that one. I tried to leave it alone but when I would get suspicious I would read and then check the cell bill and see the current OW's #'s.

He just recently got a new phone w/another carrier so that I could not see the bill anymore. Last night he fell asleep with the phone in his hand and I checked his calls and msgs. He took my babies out yesterday and sent her and I pictures of them and she was saying stuff like "Oh, look at our babies and I wish I could be there with you guys".

There was even another message to another woman that he talks to sometimes that said, "Thanks for last night, I need a cigarette!" Whatever that means!

I believe you're right about the OW because she has been telling him everything I tell her and then he comes back mad at me and who knows what he is saying to her. It's almost like he has a split personality?!?!?

MrsPain,


BINGO...he's an alien and so is she. But it's still a choice.

I don't understand this...

he left his job at three am to come home to yell at you..

what were his threats...

and where were the four and six year old...
they weren't home at three am...?????????????????

sorry I just can't get a grasp on this...

ARK

MrsPain, what do you want to say? Are you afraid to say it? I agree with Ark, I'm a bit confused about the children.

They were at the sitter or something if I remember correctly...

If I am hearing you correctly you are in the same sitch, well, close to it, that I was in...I saw that his behavior was getting worse...he had not put his hands on me but I felt that there "could" be a chance for this...

Once I made up my mind to leave, I started with the local women shelter, I was scare to leave and they helped me with a plan...I also like you felt that I didn't hae a place to go...I have been staying with friends for over a month now...

YOU do have choice/options, you may not be able to see them right now but they are there...

YOU are in a Domestic Violence situation...from what I'm reading anyway...

You can do whatever it is that you need to...you are strong enough!

That is what I'm asking Rin. Is she stating that she wants help in LEAVING her H? Is she fearful of him and what he may do to her if she tries to leave?

As Rin (S4B) says, she has gone through much of this herself. There are places that will help you.

I am still unclear as to what your goal is, MrsPain. If you are trying to say that you want to leave, please state so. We cannot help you if you are too vague. I was reading your first post and see someone hurt by your WH's EA's, but no mention of his abuse and wanting to get out of that sitch. Please enlighten us a bit more.

Basically, for me, treat me like a 5 year old and state what you want to accomplish.

I "could" be wrong but I doubt it! I think that you are dealing with a PA...just my gut feeling...

Okay, I'm backing up SL on this...what does DF want?

Hello again.

The kids were spending the night with a sitter that night.

I feel that I don't know what I want, but I'm sure that deep down, I want my M to work out, but I am completely numb right now. He keeps talking divorce and I am actually fine with that, but I REFUSE to do it-meaning, he will have to leave, file, etc. I won't initiate it. He keeps trying to get me to do it. I think it may be an excuse so that in the end he can say it was what I wanted, not him.

He did not come home Tuesday night (his off night) and came home and left again (after getting mad at me) yesterday but ended up returning home for the evening. He told me he slept in his car. I called the OW first thing in the morning, when I realized he had not come home and she was crying and saying that she thought he might have "done something to himself". She even forwarded the last txt msg he sent her saying that he wanted to make sure SHE convinced MY children that he loved them and that it "was" not their fault.

But when he came home, he continued to accuse me of being a neglectful, disrespectful wife. He said that I don't listen and I never understand him and he is tired of repeating himself to me. He got so angry at me he came and sat next to me on the bed and kicked a shoe that was right next to my foot and said that I should be scared. Just then, my daughter came in and asked if we could read a story before bedtime. I was so thankful because he fell asleep as I was reading. I went and slept on the couch and he woke me this morning to tell me again why I have the problems that I need to work out and that he is tired of me saying, "I'm doing the best I can" because to him I'm not and that's what matters, not what I think. As I replied that I have asked repeatedly for him to explain to me as to a 2 year old, EXACTLY what he wants/needs/expects of me, he again says that I don't/haven't listened to a word he says and that he has done that and I must either have a mental problem or not care about him and that he has chosen to believe the latter.

I came to work today and spoke with a co-worker who has been through a divorce and knows me very well and she was very comforting and reassuring. She knew every word he had said without me telling her and she said that I may need to take Zoloft or something like that to help me out too. But she told me to be strong and don't leave, but to calmly and reasonably say that I love him and we are his family and will always be here for him and that I want to work on our problems together. She said he is basically acting like a 5 year old does when he's mad at his Mommy and says, "I hate you, Mommy" and rolls around kicking and screaming on the floor. She said you don't sit and ask the 5 year old, "Tell me what Mommy did to you" or "What can Mommy change to make you happy". You speak calmly and say, "I know you are upset, but that is unacceptable behavior." She made a lot of sense and I am going to see a doctor and also try to stay calm and do what I know that I should be doing as a wife and leave the rest to him to figure out in his head, since that is where everything is going on and he is not letting me in right now.

So, if you don't see me here, please just include me in your prayers along with all the others.

Thank you so much.