My wife and I have been married for almost 14-yrs. We have 3 beautiful children together. Two months ago she said she didn't love me anymore and wanted to move out to see if she missed me and could love me anymore. The time apart has been killing me, but I've tried to give her her space as she requested.

When she left me, I started getting suspicious, so I checked her cell phone bills and had my suspicions confirmed. She had been having an affair for the last 6 months. I'm not sure how far this affair went. She denies that it was sexual in nature, but I'm not sure that I believe her.

This separation has been a wake-up call for me. I look back and see that we had both become very complacent at meeting each other's needs. We rarely fought, but the spark just wasn't there. This situation has made me realize just how much I do love her and need her in my life. I have taken this opportunity to learn all that I can about relationships and feeding a marriage. I have read several good books including His Needs/Her Needs. I have a better understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work. I have tried to share the things that I am reading with her, but she doesn't want to listen. She says she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to put the effort into even trying to salvage the marriage.

She says she wants a divorce and that her mind is made up and doesn't want to discuss it any further. Recently she has become angry with me when I try to discuss things with her. She can't really give me a good reason for wanting to end it.

Sometimes I think she wants to end it just so she doesn't have to face guilt and a hard reality. I have told her time and again that people can work through this and usually make something stronger out of it. But she is unwilling.

Neither one of us has proceeded with filing for divorce. I still love her so much, but part of me feels that she is beyond reach and that I should just move on. This is not the outcome I want for us or our children.

Any words of wisdom out there on how to proceed??

thanks

All I can say is, "Wow, this sounds like a post I could make."
I feel you, unfortunately, I have no advice because I can relate and I am in your boat most likely.

barnyard,

Has her affair been exposed to her family and your's? If not it should be. Also does she work with this guy? If so their work place should be told of the affair. If he is married his W should also be told.

If you want this marriage, read up on plan A and execute it.

You will find a more active response on the General Questions forum.

God Bless,

JL

What you want and your wishes for your wife are not really relevant. It takes TWO people to make a marraige. You need to decide how you are going to proceed. IF you two get back together it will be a whole different relationship because a betrayal of trust sets the clock back down to 0. Find out where you went wrong and what you want in a wife and see if your present wife or others can fit the bill. What you love about your wife may not have any basis in reality. Your wife was smart to use the excuse "see if I miss you" to escape her marriage. Don't share anything with your wife. If you two get back together hopefully it will be two mature people. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Marriages take a lot of care and feeding. Your wife will discover when her new love gets to be a common old human (as we all are) that maybe she made a mistake but that is her problem not yours. I am not sure "exposing" the affair really is a good move. Most poeple I know would respond "who gives a ****". Morals have changed a lot.

johoman,
I realize that you are likely here for the same reasons most of us are, but I have to ask...Have you actually read any of the materials on this site?

Barnyard,

JL has pointed you in the right direction. Begin by reading the basic concepts. Follow that up with some of the articles and then be sure you read the first few posts in the Just Found Out forum (The ones pinned to the top of the forum) Pay close attention as you read through those posts, because there are links to other threads and articles buried in them that may be of help.

One thing for you to remember is that your situation isn't as unique as it feels. Plan A that you have been referred to works primarily because affairs all have so much in common. Nearly every betrayed spouse (BS) here has heard the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. It is one of many things that a wayward spouse (WS) says almost every time.

If you want to get a lot of responses, post your story in the General Questions II forum under Infidelity. There is a thousand times more traffic there and the likelihood of a real expert finding you and giving good advice is much higher there.

Much of what you will feel is the right thing to do is actually doing the wrong thing, so start reading. If you aren't ready to give up when you finish reading on this site, pick up a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You can get it here, from other online sources and at many books stores. I found the copy I first read at my local public library. The pages were about worn out...it seems to have gotten a lot of use. Your dilemma isn't that much different than what others have been through. Try to remember that and get on with the reading.

And welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here under such circumstances, but you will find it a good place to be and there is much to learn.

Mark

Mark- Some of the concepts are good but some are not. Dr. Harley is selling his viewpoint. The POJA is a fable. Somethings will NEVER be aggreed on and that is normal. If someone is truly done with a marriage it is dilusional to continue to try and restore it. Not healthy.

Thanks for the responses. I will try the GQII forum. I have read quite a few of the articles on this website. I only wish I could have come across this earlier in the marriage. I will look for Plan A and read it.

thanks

JL, I forgot to respond to your questions..
Yes her affair has been exposed to her family and mine. All of our friends know about it as well. The affair started with her contacting one of her old high school boyfriends through Classmates.com. One thing led to another. We had recently moved to a new state and so she didn't have a large social network and may have been a little depressed. I started a new job and was instantly very busy and involved. We were in a rut and the relationship was a little weak.
I understand that the affair was her choice or lack of choices. I also understand that I have had a big part in letting the relationship go stale. I feel a lot of regret right now because of it. I've read His Needs/Her Needs and have learned a lot through other stuff. It is painfull to think that I will not have a chance with her to make our marriage stronger.