We been married for 5 years now and this issue never got resolved in the first place ( started about 3 years ago).
Stumbled on to this website and looking fwd to reading more useful information that will help our marriage stay strong.
We get along most of the time and this dog issue is the most complicated/sensitive one we have.
We have a 7 year old dog right now and are an active couple. We do everything we can with her. I would love to get a companion for her (a puppy) to play with her to keep her company etc. I think it would be a great opportunity for us right now since we have a fenced yard and no kids.
He just doesn't want a second dog and has stated the cons of why we shouldn't get another dog.

I feel like the Giver for the most part and admit to being the Taker at one point when I did bring home another dog one day w/o his approval. I returned that dog to the breeder. The dog issue has come up again. We talk but I just can't agree to his decision ....(no dog)

I would like to continue to talk about this and come up w/ win-win solutions. I just feel this is an impossible feat and someone will have to sacrafice/be hurt (and I feel like that would be me)
I do realize that his opinions matter and don't want to be the Taker but I will be unhappy if this doesn't happen.

Welcome,

You've said he's stated the Cons to another dog, what has he stated?

Also, a serious questions for you, do you think it's possible for there to be a win/win negotiation without getting the second dog? Just curious....

Hi Bill.
Thanks for you reply.
I'm the type of person to analyze things and have my own list of pros and cons.
I asked him to write a list for me so we can talk about it but he hasn't yet.
We had our current dog since she was a puppy. We got her tgh. She's 7 now.
I know he loves her too but is the first to complain about her (not pooping when he wants her to). She's a basenji.
He just doesn't want a second dog and states we don't have enough time for our current one as it is (I think its untrue bc we both work but he’s per diem and I’m full time but have flex hours).
We are very active and like to bike, hike, run, ski etc. We go running w/ the dog all the time.
He also says that the new dog might not get along, we would need to get a bigger car to fit 2 crates in the back, he doesn’t want to run with two dogs. He also said we could get a 2nd dog later when we’re more settled…have traveled more.
I asked him how hard it would be to put down an extra food bowl, get another crate, make another appt for boarding, etc. We do this already for our dog.
He says the only pros he sees is how happy it would make me and perhaps a play pal would be good for our dog. He sees the cons far out-weighing the pros.

This dog would be a puppy about 14 weeks ago (if we’re even accepted to adopt) from a rescue. I told him that a puppy would be a handful but it would grow up at some point and having an older dog helps train it. We have a fenced yard too. I told him that I would take full responsibility too.

I do realize that I don’t want to force him on this but letting this go is it fair to me (I don’t want to be forced either). This need /feelings creep up again bc we never resolved it from 4 years ago. I would like to figure it out now and move on …

As far as your 2nd question. I want to remain hopeful. We’re talking now so we’ll see we’re it ends up.
(I have a feeling..I'm going to be hurt)

Hey there glad to see that you made it back. I can sympathies with you while at the same time I can probably relate well to your husband on this. One thing I felt when reading though your reply is a lack of validation from either of you, maybe I’m wrong. However, when two people argue without validation it is just that, an argument. However, when y’all discuss the same subject while validating each others points and concerns then you have more room for negotiations.

“””He just doesn't want a second dog and states we don't have enough time for our current one as it is (I think its untrue bc we both work but he’s per diem and I’m full time but have flex hours).”””

Does he have enough time for you and your current dog? I’m assuming that since he works per diem that he’s away from home quite a bit and doesn’t really have a lot of time to give.

“””We are very active and like to bike, hike, run, ski etc. We go running w/ the dog all the time.”””

Please define “all the time” for me? Are you saying that this is something you do as a couple daily, weekly, or monthly?

“””He also says that the new dog might not get along”””

That seems like a stretch to me….

“””we would need to get a bigger car to fit 2 crates in the back”””

Is that valid?

“””he doesn’t want to run with two dogs.”””

I wouldn’t either if it were just me running. Do you run together?

“””He also said we could get a 2nd dog later when we’re more settled…have traveled more.”””

That seems valid to me…

“””I asked him how hard it would be to put down an extra food bowl, get another crate, make another appt for boarding, etc.”””

See this is where I get rubbed wrong on the communication. He’s said several things that are obviously weighing on his mind and you seem to dismiss them all and trivialize the matter. What if he truly has all these concerns that he’s mentioned? By not validating and discussing them he’s likely to dig in on the defense.

“””He says the only pros he sees is how happy it would make me and perhaps a play pal would be good for our dog.”””

Wow… That seems rather harsh…. Let me ask you something, is there a reason he doesn’t want to see you happier? How is your relationship? I mean, typically, when people are happy in their relationship then there are likely to do selfless things just to make their partner happy. So do you think he’s satisfied and happy? Do you think he’d like more time with just you?

“””I told him that I would take full responsibility too.”””

Geez, I’ve heard that one…..lol…. I have a little Pomeranian. Everyone at my house was going to take full responsibility for it.

“””This need /feelings creep up again bc we never resolved it from 4 years ago. I would like to figure it out now and move on …”””

I don’t understand what you are saying here, has this been an issue for 4 years?

“””As far as your 2nd question. I want to remain hopeful. We’re talking now so we’ll see we’re it ends up.”””

That wasn’t my question. My question was do you think there can be win/win negotiations without getting the dog? It’s a serious question. If I were talking to him I’d ask if he could see a win/win situation while getting the dog. If you’re going into negotiations with your TAKER in full charge then likely the win situation will only come when you get your way. But if I said through negotiations y’all could grow as a couple and have a better marriage, would that be a win/win situation regardless of the outcome of the dog issue? Food for thought.

Hello. I really appreciate your thoughts. My responses are below as **

**OK. I see your point about validation. I need to work on that.

“””He just doesn't want a second dog and states we don't have enough time for our current one as it is (I think its untrue bc we both work but he’s per diem and I’m full time but have flex hours).”””

Does he have enough time for you and your current dog? I’m assuming that since he works per diem that he’s away from home quite a bit and doesn’t really have a lot of time to give.

**His hours are flexible and chgs week to week. He could work a full 40 hours (ie. three 10 hour days) or more or work less. He works locally or may drive 30 miles or so depending on where the work is. I usually work 9-5pm Mon-Fri. We have the weekends off. He’s got a lot of time (my view). I think he likes the way it is write now and is happy where he can just do what he wants. If a pup was involved or a new dog…that would require extra attention til the new dog knows the routine.

“””We are very active and like to bike, hike, run, ski etc. We go running w/ the dog all the time.”””

Please define “all the time” for me? Are you saying that this is something you do as a couple daily, weekly, or monthly?

**We enjoy biking etc together if we can but it’s usually alone bc of our work schedules. We would run tgh w/ the dog if we can but he would run her one day or I would run her the next day. We run 2-3x/week. There’s not many places here that allow dogs bc they are watershed areas but I’ll take her to the dog park (1x week for about an hour). I would go hiking with her if I can and if the husband isn’t busy he’ll come. As far as biking and sking, she’s home alone and we live close enough that she’s just home alone for a few hours.

“””He also says that the new dog might not get along”””

That seems like a stretch to me….
** I said that by getting a puppy who has a submissive personality would work. I’ve seen her with a puppy and 3 year old male basenji dog. I feel that getting the same breed, she would adjust easier and they would be the same size to play with one another.

“””we would need to get a bigger car to fit 2 crates in the back”””

Is that valid?
**We can fit 2 crates in the back of his car. We would learn to have to pack lighter for camping

“””he doesn’t want to run with two dogs.”””

I wouldn’t either if it were just me running. Do you run together?
**We do run tgh if we can but usually run at different times bc of work schedules. He could run one dog and I could run with the other. I think the dogs need alone time as well.

“””He also said we could get a 2nd dog later when we’re more settled…have traveled more.”””

That seems valid to me…

**My attitude is “why wait”…life is too short and I’m not getting younger and our current dog isn’t either.
I think we can still do what we want w/ just alittle more effort and planning. I guess this is coming from my personal experience where loss has happened in my family…(i.e. people get sick…you lose that window of opportunity,etc). Why miss the opportunity to be happier. (I am happy now but I could be happier…)

“””I asked him how hard it would be to put down an extra food bowl, get another crate, make another appt for boarding, etc.”””

See this is where I get rubbed wrong on the communication. He’s said several things that are obviously weighing on his mind and you seem to dismiss them all and trivialize the matter. What if he truly has all these concerns that he’s mentioned? By not validating and discussing them he’s likely to dig in on the defense.

**You are right. I will work on this. I didn’t see that view point but I understand what you’re saying

“””He says the only pros he sees is how happy it would make me and perhaps a play pal would be good for our dog.”””

Wow… That seems rather harsh…. Let me ask you something, is there a reason he doesn’t want to see you happier? How is your relationship? I mean, typically, when people are happy in their relationship then there are likely to do selfless things just to make their partner happy. So do you think he’s satisfied and happy? Do you think he’d like more time with just you?

“””I told him that I would take full responsibility too.”””

Geez, I’ve heard that one…..lol…. I have a little Pomeranian. Everyone at my house was going to take full responsibility for it.

**I know that isn’t totally fair but I feel like I go that extra mile to do things with our dog. I know the husband does his part too. But I enjoy taking her to the dog park. He’s busy doing his stuff. If he thinks about it at all, I’m not sure but I think about things to do with my dog. I’ve taken her to agility classes and we both enjoyed that.

“””This need /feelings creep up again bc we never resolved it from 4 years ago. I would like to figure it out now and move on …”””

I don’t understand what you are saying here, has this been an issue for 4 years?

**The wanting a 2nd dog came up about 4 years ago. We talked and probably argued about it. I did a bad thing and just brought home a puppy one day. He was furious. It was a tough week on all of us and I brought the pup back to the breeder totally guilt-ridden. I’m not sure how we got over that one but it was a bad time.
A year later or so, I made a decision to rescue a male basenji who needed to be fostered til he found a permanent home. The husband came with me to screen this dog. He had a great temperament so I fostered. I belong to a rescue group and we helped this dog in need and he went to a new home w/in two months. The husband dealt with the situation at the time bc the dog was being re-homed.

“””As far as your 2nd question. I want to remain hopeful. We’re talking now so we’ll see we’re it ends up.”””

That wasn’t my question. My question was do you think there can be win/win negotiations without getting the dog? It’s a serious question. If I were talking to him I’d ask if he could see a win/win situation while getting the dog. If you’re going into negotiations with your TAKER in full charge then likely the win situation will only come when you get your way. But if I said through negotiations y’all could grow as a couple and have a better marriage, would that be a win/win situation regardless of the outcome of the dog issue? Food for thought.

**Let me think about what you said….
(I don’t think I’ll get my way and somehow time “covered up” the situation that happened 4 years ago and I let it go. It’s come up again and we’re arguing again. If I corrected my mistake 4 years ago by returning the puppy bc we were fighting and my husband was really unhappy with me…I wanted to save the marriage…wasn’t that a GIVER act ?
Life won’t be over if I don’t get this second dog and I do want a better marriage. I just would be unfulfilled. I don’t want to feel resentment toward the husband but I do. It’s something that I feel so strongly about that it just hurts when the husband doesn’t quite understand…)