DH and I have been married almost 20 years. Things between DH and I have not been great for awhile. We seem to be more like room mates than husband and wife. I am busy with work, housework, kids, family committments, ect... He works, does some side work for the church (minimal pay) and another guy for sound jobs. In our early years I would cook, he would clean up, etc... we would work together to do things around the house. Now I am the maid - cook, clean, shop, .... He does pay the bills (but it takes him hours - he does it all online), mow the lawn and take out the trash. He will play Mr. Mom when I have a PTO meeting or something that keeps me out.

Most evenings he comes home, I feed the family dinner, then he goes into the office to "work" on the computer. I do the dishes, help with homework, throw in some laundry, and grade papers. He claims that he is online with work, or doing the bookkeeping, or checking email. He will spend the whole evening in there, and then come out to tell me good night. Sometimes I walk by and see he is playing a game of solitaire - don't like it, but ok. One night as I walk by he quickly toggled to a new webpage, however I caught what looked like naked female parts out of the corner of my eye as I walk by.

I just did not have a good feeling about this. So I logged on to his account on our family computer. I found a bunch of porn sites on his favorites and history, and that he has a Myspace account. At one, he had even set up an account for meeting women - including pictures (one of his birthday suit). Additionally, I found emails and AIM from various women. Some, I don't think much of (foriegn girls wanting money), but there is one I am very concerned about. He has had what appears to be an ongoing email and phone relationship with one particular email. I found her info on Myspace and have figured out that she is someone he knows and works with professionally. Although she is on the East Coast, it appears that they communicate regularly, and that the discussions I read are not appropriate for two married people (with kids). She even sent him a picture of her after a "hot, steamy bath."

This was about a month ago. Since then I have printed out a continuous stream of emails, and saved videos (by both of them) and pictures on a traveldrive. There is talk of meeting up the first week of May when she is out here on business.

Although my first reaction was wanting to kick him out, I could not do that without hurting my kids. Besides, even though he has hurt me in a way I have never been hurt before, I still love him. Thus I have spent this month getting my head together, gathering evidence, seeking counseling, and protecting myself financially.

I want to confront him, prior to May. I just do not know what to say, or how much to let him know I know. It is tough to find a time this month to be alone with him (busy time of year with school and kid's commitments). I have tried going over and over in my head what I will say, but I just don't want to mess this up.

Any advice from those who have been here?

Like you I would be steaming! You are stronger than I am..I am not sure I could have held that in this long. I am new here also..since DD in November.

Have you read up on Plan A? Maybe if you Plan A it until just before May and then sit down and talk with him about the information/pictures etc., that you have. I would continue to gather information..Or you could (sneaky) take the pictures, etc and email them back to this woman from you! Then believe me you won't have to say a word to your spouse..he will get the message that you are on to him.

I am sorry that you are here but it sounds like you have the chance to possibly stop this before it starts.

I will be watching your post to see what happens.

((Broken)) Welcome to Marriage Builders.

First off, I think it would be wise to repost exactly what you've already posted over in the "General Questions" section of the website. That section is geared towards those in affairs and busting them up.

You say this other woman (OW) is married, do you know her name? If so, do some leg work and find out info on her husband as well, like how to get ahold of him. Then continue to gather information. Have you checked cell phone records or anything else? Also read up on the information on this site. Read up on a "Plan A", emotional needs, and Love Busters.

Then what I'd recommend is that at the same time you drop the bomb on your husband you also inform the OW's husband. Be prepared to send him all the information that you have. Don't give them (your hubby and the OW) a chance to get their stories straight.

Broken,

I agree with Bill.....move your first post to GQII. I regret many things about how I proceeded, especially that I did not seek out pro advice....didn't find MB until after D day #3.

Make color copies of the proof you will need to expose and keep the originals for the duration of your exposure period if not longer.

Keep posting and get your ducks in a row as soon as possible. Sorry for your situation, but glad you're seeking info here.

Ace

Thank you for the advice.

I have also posted at GQII.

I have printouts and copies of pics and videos on a traveldrive. I have found OW husband's name, their address and phone, and his work information (phone and email). He is talking to her on his work cell phone, so I can't get call logs (other than to sneek and check recent calls when he leaves the phone unattended). Mostly, they seem to email on a AOL account that I "do not know" about.

I have been trying to do some of PLAN A - been really kind, carrying, not arguing (not that we argued much). Just being the good wife.

I just do not kow how much to reveal - the A, the dating site listings, everything, hold back to check later. I am afraid he may change passwords and go deeper so that I can't monitor his actions.