Edited to add:
I originally created this thread to post on a call I received from an ex-BF. Afterwards - one someone's request - I've included an update on me and H's personal lives. Since I will use this thread in future to send any updates to, I've decided to change the name of this thread accordingly.


Why would a person suddenly get hold of your cell phone number and call to ask how you’re doing after a period of almost 6 YEARS? And also tell you that he wants to remain in telephonic contact with you now and then just as “friends”?

This happened to me yesterday (a call from a previous BF and fiancée).

The 4 year relationship I had with him during my late teens/early twenties were very intense and problematic. We broke off more than 12 years ago in a very dramatic way and then 4 years into my marriage, he called me (got hold of my work number) to seek my forgiveness on things of the past… I told him that I have no regrets or resentment; that I’m very happily married to a wonderful man and that he should forget the past too and move on with his life. And then I received the 2nd call yesterday after 6 years.

I told my H about the call. I don’t have any intention or desire to remain in contact with him, but I just wonder why on earth someone would do something like this after such a long period. He never got married. Can it be possible for someone to hold onto the past for so long and still have regrets towards oneself for past mistakes and misbehavior and unable to move forward because of that?

Good morning Suzet- Glad to see you!

This is exactly what my ex-boyfriend did to me. We stayed in contact after my marriage, emailing a couple times a year. My husband knew about it. I thought it was safe.

Eighteen years later, I was in an emotional affair with him and it was very difficult to quit.

There is a phenomenon called "lost love" that suggests intimate relationships during teen/early adult years causes imprinting on the brain. These relationships are linked to very strong emotions, and a high probability for romantic reunion later in life. They are the cause of many affairs and broken marriages. Unlike other affairs, the success rate of "lost love" affairs has a good chance of working out long term, because of this neurological imprinting. This is terrible news for the betrayed spouses involved.

Here's a link to the lost love thing. It's awful.
lost love research

You are right to tell your husband, and to NEVER allow contact between you and this old boyfriend. He is poison to your marriage!

I hope everything else is going well with you.
~Saturn

Maybe because he doesn't have anyone else in his life right now and he is looking back fondly at the drama he was able to create with you.


Yes, intense and stormy--how were your boundaries back then? What would he remember about them?


Maybe in retrospect, he thought that you were trying to convince yourself that you were happily married--maybe you were indicating the possibility of loose boundaries by telling him a lot of information over the phone about your marriage.


Good.


This is very important--did you tell him not to contact you again?? Did you again talk a lot about your marriage or did you just tell him--look, don't contact me again.


No, I don't think it's possible for someone to hold onto the past, still have regrets for past mistakes and be unable to move forward because of the regrets.

I think it is possible for someone to just think--well, she was a lot of fun back then, and I don't have anything going on right now, she was pretty friendly and talkative with me last time I checked her out, maybe I'll give it another go and see if there is any chance of starting something up again.

I don't mean any disrespect here, but it seems like you are creating a scenario with the 'past regrets and unable to move forward stuff' that is a little dramatic, and foggy.

I hope that if he contacts you again, that you simply say, "look, I don't have anything to say to you and I don't want you contacting me again." Just leave it at that--don't describe your marriage to him, or your life, not even a little bit.

Best regards to you and your H,
Lake

I agree and this is why I’ve told my H and don’t want to have contact with him. I have learned too much from this website (and also about “old love” and how it can get rekindled) to get into such a “trap” myself! I just feel sort of sorry for this guy…for the fact that he appeared to have never really moved forward from the past, but I realize it’s not my problem.

Thanks Saturn, everything else is going very, very well with me and hubby! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Suzet, does the word "fantasy" mean anything to you about what might "motivate" someone?

How about the word "temptations?"

Both are rhetorical questions, I know, but they do provide the "answer."

Congratulations on being up front with your husband and in recognizing the "call" for what it was!

God bless.

I see nothing wrong with his contact... perhaps he was checking to see if your situation had changed and if you were single.... that is fair enough. What I do have a problem with is his asking to remain in contact... this shows bad intentions on his part IMO. He was setting the stage for some extra curricular activity.

What he should have done was wish you well and not contact you again as soon as he found out you are married.

While it is okay to try and rekindle an old love... it is not okay for him to suggest in anyway that remaining in contact would be a good thing. Just let him know if need be that you wish him well but that you do not feel it is appropriate to remain in contact with a former lover... and that your H feels the same way. Let him know that no further communication will be accepted and leave it at that.

MEDC

Well, he was my 1st BF and I was totally inexperienced with the opposite sex. During our relationship I learned he had an anger problem and he started to swear at me at times and not treat me very respectfully (verbal abuse). So considering this I would say my emotional boundaries with him (to be treated respectfully during all times) were not very healthy at all. As far as physical boundaries goes…I never allowed sex – even during our engagement – because I wanted to remain virgin until marriage. However, there where pressure from him on this field and because of this I allowed him to go too far on physical level than I was ready or willing to allow. Sometimes I did things to please him even though I didn’t want to do it…and this made me feel “used” and even dirty. This was the cause of many feelings of guilt and shame after we’ve broken up. I always felt that I was “technically” a virgin but not a “real” virgin like I would wanted to be before marriage... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

No other information were shared with him other than that I’m happily married to a wonderful man and that he should forget the past and move forward with his life.

No, I was taken by surprise and didn’t want to appear “rude” (mistake I know!). However, me an H has discussed it and decided that should he contact again, I will tell him that I don’t feel comfortable with it and that both me and my H doesn’t want him to call again.

ForeverHers, I understand what you mean by those words. Thanks for your post!

Thanks MEDC, this is a good suggestion and in line with what me and my H planned to do if needed (see my response to lake).

My XXXXXXXXXXXXXX boyfriend (one X for every year we were 'together') tried to weasel his way back in my good graces by ~~~> paying a surprise visit on my elderly father.... in 2006.
I told my Dad at the time that I think X has a screw loose and I thought X was using Dad to get to me. Dad agreed there would be no more visits.

About 2 months ago, Dad says "X called me again to ask how I was doing."

This X (to the 14) stalked me after I was married.
This X14 cornered me at a highschool reunion to tell me "I should have asked you to marry me." My response: "I will be forever grateful we never married. Leave me alone."

X boyfriends who contact a married woman are [color:"red"] DANGEROUS[/color]

this X14 has a HISTORY of screwing married women (2 that I know of while we were dating)

phooey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Hi Suzet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I have nothing to add, just a friendly hello. Lots of dead on accurate advice and comment given.

I especially appreciate Pep's:


Larry

Wait, I don't get all of this...He was verbally disrespectful to you, he pressed you to perform sexual acts that you did not want to perform and made you feel dirty. These acts made YOU feel guilty and shameful after you broke up. Look, it sounds like it was a very abusive relationship...both emotionally and physically (physical abuse is more than just hitting... he was physical with you sexually in a way that you did not want him to be physical.)

And now you did not want to appear "rude" to HIM????

I don't know, but if you and I were best girlfriends, I would be telling you, Girl....there is no way you could be "rude" to him. I would not waste any emotion on that guy, but I might take a little pleasure in telling him that I couldn't take the time to talk to him and that he should not try again as I am always very busy, and then say "good-bye" and make sure there was a good, solid "click" that he could hear as you put him out of your life.
Lake

My XWH's old HS GF did the innocent email, then the call to "catch up" we are 2 yrs after the fact and recovering
from the EA that ensued. Apparently she got "imprinted" and he didn't. She was a real pain. Danger could be ahead! 22Dev.

that all depends on the boundaries. My ex wife and I remain in contact... and I am good friends with her H... heck, I have been to their house on a double date!

I think an ex that contacts a person they KNOW is married (and Pep, it makes no difference if it is an ex GF or BF) and have not had regular contact with is asking for trouble. I would agree with you there. But I know plenty of people that are okay with ex's keeping in touch so long as it is out in the open. I have a feeling Suzet's ex was up to no good based on their past relationship being so stormy. Someone classified it as abusive...it was up to Suzet to set her boundaries and enforce them as far as sexual activity went...I would not jump to the conclusion of abuse based on a boy trying to be more sexual with his GF... I would attribute that to his age. Heck, I have dated women that wanted to move rather quickly sexually and it was up to me to enforce my boundaries. Now, if he forced himself on her through coersion or threat, I would say that is abusive.

And Pep... just my experience... ex GF's can be very scary! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear Mkeverydaycount,
I agree about the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend thing--both can be scary.

Suzet first used the term abusive: He was verbally abusive to her, he swore at her and was disrespectful. She was in her late teens and early twenties and so I assume he was at least as old. A young man who is in his early twenties who swears at his girlfriend and is verbally abusive and disrespectful....Hmmmmm.

Now, keep in mind that not all boys who persuade their girlfriends to go farther than they want to are "abusive", but I think there is pretty good evidence here that this was not a healthy relationship and was an abusive one.

I am just trying to support Suzet to have a strong sense of self and not feel the need to be concerned about being polite or cordial to this guy now. And also, not to fantasize about why he might be trying to re-connect with her.
Lake

oh, I get what you are saying... I also agree that he was verbally abusive by Suzet's take on things...BUT, the tone of your earlier post led me to believe that you felt he was more than verbally abusive(which Suzet said he was)... I just don't get that from her post. In addition her post said she did things to make him happy and felt dirty about it afterwards... this was her choice and an issue of her setting appropriate boundaries both in her choice of partner and also in what activities happened between the two of them. YOU said he was physically abusive and there is nothing in her post that supports that in my opinion. And anyone here will tell you that I am very strong against abuse of any sort.
I think you are on the money with your support though.

MEDC

[color:"red"]MEDC [/color]



[color:"blue"] idjut !!!! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

[color:"purple"]I do not have any X girlfriend experience ... and I doubt Suzet has been bothered by any X girlfriends lately [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lake and MEDC,

Yes, we were the same age (he one year older than me). I just want to clarify that the ex-BF was verbally abusive but not physically abusive in any way. He never forced himself on me sexually although he did use some “tactics” and manipulation to get me to do certain things I was not really willing to or prepared for. For example he would use words like “You are a cold woman” or “Something must be wrong with you” or “If you really love me, you will……” or “We are engaged now and are going to get married, we love each other, so why not do it now?” etc. He also used the same “tactics” and manipulation to try and get me to have full sexual intercourse with him, but luckily I never allowed it to go that far – thank God!

I fully agree with you MEDC that it was up to me to set my boundaries and enforce them as far as sexual activity went…and yes, it was my choice. This is the main reason why I felt so guilty and shameful – especially after we've broken up. And as far as my past feelings of being “used” and feeling “dirty” because of the sexual activity goes - those feelings had more to do with my history of sexual abuse as a child than anything else. However, I received intensive counseling for those childhood issues (and related self-esteem issues) more than 5 years ago, so most of those issues are resolved now and I now recognize my issues and feelings at the time for what it was.

If you really love me, you will……

The above statement is usually a clue that someone wants to use you to get something they want for THEM.

It they really loved YOU, they wouldn't ask.

Suzet,
Are you going to give us a status report? I am sure there are many more than me that wonder how things are going with your job, your H's job..... your wishes to have a child, and so on.

So good to hear from you!

SS

Hi Still Seeking,

Thanks for the interest and thanks for asking, I appreciate it very much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The last time I gave a status report and update on those things was during February this year on this thread. Maybe you didn’t saw my update at the time, so here is a copy of it:

My H’s job situation is still the same as above (still working on contract for the same company). Approximately 2 weeks ago he was invited again to an interview for a permanent position (managerial position) to the same company where he was rejected previously this year because of “affirmative action”. He is still waiting for a response from them.

As far as my job goes – everything is going well and I have never received any deliberate contact from the ex-OM again. I only briefly bumped into him at my GF’s office during 2 or 3 occasions (we didn’t talk) and that’s all.

As far as our wishes to have a child of our own and the infertility treatment goes: the same still applies as I have posted in February’s update. Both my H and I feel it will be the best to start with the treatment as soon as he has a secure/permanent income.

Me and hubby have our problems from time to time (as any married couple has) but we always communicate about them and talk it through. I don’t know if some will remember, but last year I posted about issues me and my H had that were creating huge problems between us (the domestic support issue and my lack of sex drive at the time because of various reasons) but I can gladly report now that those issues are totally something of the past now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> As I said to Saturn, in general things are really, really going well between me and hubby and we know should there be any problems or hardships of any kind in future again in our lives, we will be able to overcome and go though it together with God’s grace and help and our love & commitment to each other.

Latest happenings on the ex-BF situation:

Yesterday I received a nice Christian message (sms) from an unknown cell phone number. Later that day I received another sms from the same number but this time it turned out to be the ex-BF (he didn't call me from his own cell the other day). In the sms he said he don’t want to upset me and want to be friends.

I talked with my H and send the following sms back to him:

”You didn’t upset me, but please don’t contact me again. Me and my husband both feel it will be inappropriate for a married woman to be friends with an ex-BF & I will not feel comfortable with it anyway. Please understand & accept it. I wish you all of the best for your future life!”

This morning I received another sms:

”I will wait for another 13 years.”

I again discussed with my H and send the following message back:

”I’m going to be very direct with you now: I will NEVER have interest in you again, no matter what might happen in future and even if I was still single. I don’t have anything against you, I really wish you well, but that’s how it is…for me the past has been over long ago. Please accept it like this and move on with your life.”

Me and my H decided that should I receive another sms again, my H will call him directly and/or arrange for his cell phone number to be blocked or mine to be changed.

Did we handle this situation the best way?