New here, sad to be here.

My wife had an affair at work. She quit, it was only about 15 hours a week anyways, she sent the NC letter at my insistance- NC for about 2 weeks now, she is deep in withdrawl and I'm going crazy.

The question is, woudl antidepressants help one or both of us, and which ones have the least affect on sex drive? Hers is already low, so that might be a problem. Also, she is overweight and thinks they will make her gain weight?

Any help appreciated.

I have been taking Lexapro for about a year now, and I like it. I have gained weight (~10lbs). No one medication works that same with everyone. As a matter of fact, many people who take Lexapro speak of the jolt it gives them when they take it.

My sex drive, nor the ability to come to climax have been affected.

As SL said, people react to each AD differently. But they can really help if you find the right drug/dose combo.

My doc put me on good ol' Prozac. She was sympathetic to my situation and recognized that the last thing I needed right now was to feel any worse by gaining weight. In her experience Prozac is one of the more weight-favorable ADs. But again, it depends on how a person's body reacts--some gain weight some lose weight. I've lost almost 30 lbs since I've been on it, but I also factor in the Infidelity Diet and increased exercise.

Because many ADs take a few weeks for the full effects to be felt, she also gave me some Xanax for immediate anxiety control. I also have trazodone to help me sleep when needed. (It's an anti-depressant itself and works well with Prozac.)

While I don't advocate self-medicating, some people get good results from St. John's Wort.

One of the biggest libido killers is depression, so a short term course of ADs might be the best thing. It's probably not something either of you would need to be on for the rest of your lives.

Don't just rely upon meds to make you feel better. Unless the underlying issues are resolved, meds won't do much good.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Your wife's low libido might also be contributed to her emotional needs not having been met. Work on that and you may be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Sorry you have to be here. I'm on Zoloft and can't imagine trying to get through this without it. I also use Trazodone and occasionally Xanax to sleep.

All the hardware still works. . . .

Also, if you do try meds, be diligent with keeping in contact with your primary care physician about any side effects that cause you distress.

I agree with Kamakura about the libido. My libido was quite low prior to my WH's first A, not because I don't like sex, but because I was bogged down in stress and resentment for what I deemed a lack of support and EN's being met.

Take care of the depression any way that you can FIRST. The situation you find yourself in is devastating and can change much about your psyche right now.

You may want to see a psychiatrist about meds. Depression runs in my family, and I started taking SSRIs (Zoloft, Paxil) about seven years ago. I got them from my primary care physician--I described my family history and symptoms, and he said 'yep, you're depressed. Take these.' So I did. We discussed them every now and then, but I wasn't seeing him all that often, so it's not like there was a lot of maintenance of the medication.

I continued on them. Then I entered a period of work where there was tremendous stress, and I know now that my dosage wasn't high enough. The depression overwhelmed the medication, and I was a depressed person again for over a year. I didn't recognize what was happening to me. I believe that this contributed to what happened to my marriage (but don't beat myself up about it). After D-Day, I began seeing a psychiatrist and have a better understanding of what was going on with me. I now am much more in tune with my symptoms of depression and am properly medicated.

My point in this is that getting the dosage right and monitoring the effects is not trivial, so it's worth paying special attention to.

And like SL says, there are side effects. I have insomnia and occasional hand-trembling.

FWW and I both were taking Lexipro, which did help immensly. Regarding SF, I did take longer to finish, (which, in a way, was a good thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)

I have read that doctors will prescribe Wellbutin for low libido, plus it's an AD.

I want to back up what Sdguy said about dosing and keeping your physician abreast of your symptoms and side effects. My doc insists that I see her at least every three months to discuss meds and dosing and side effects. If I have any problems, I schedule more often, but money is prohibitory for me; my copay is $20 everytime I or my son goes to the doc, and that can be costly for me.

I will also third what SL and sdguy have said about really keeping your doc informed to get the right drug and dosage.

I get mine through my primary care physician and when I first started she only gave me enough for 2 weeks. I had to come back for an assessment, then I had to come back again a month later, and will now see her at least every 3 months. (I did end up increasing my dose after a month or so and it really helped--this is normal and often necessary. Had I jumped right into the higher dose it could have made me feel worse because I would be "overloaded".)

She also requires that I go to counseling (which I already was) and that I exercise regularly.
Article on how exercise can help depression

I was very impressed that she required such diligent follow-up. I have many friends who have had their PCP or even GYN just hand them a script with unlimited refills and never ask them about it again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

These are the people who usually say medication did nothing for them.

AD's are a life saver for those in this sitch. I use good ol Prozac and tried trazedone for sleeping, but it did not work well for me. I tried 2 or 3 different ones for sleep before I got on one that worked for me...just be sure to communicate clearly any side effects...and dosage can be changed as needed.

Yes, AD’s will help both you and your W, but first both of you need to see your doctor to discuss this. Everyone is different and reacts differently to the different types of AD’s.

AD’s was very helpful during my withdrawal although this was not the reason I started taking it. I use the SRRI Cipramil (also known as Celexa in some states) chronically for years now and am very satisfied with it. Cipramil is a very “clean” drug with lesser side effects on libido than most other AD’s and specifically SRRI’s. It also don't have any other significant side-effects in my experience and therefore I can highly recommend it. Don’t take the generic version Cilift though, it doesn’t work effectively – my medical aid wanted me to swift to the generic version and it didn’t work for me after one month of use!

Anyway, the only side-effect I ever experienced with Cipramil during the first 4 months of use was a slight change in my libido (lower) and some difficulty to reach orgasm. I also recognized a change in my sleeping pattern (would wake up in the early morning hours and struggle to get to sleep again) but this totally disappeared after 4 months of use as my body adjusted to the drug. The lower libido also disappeared and returned back to normal after approximately 4 months of use. However, more than a year ago I started to notice a change in my libido and ability to reach orgasm again, discussed it with my doctor and adjusted my medication to a slightly lower dose and the problem disappeared after that. I never experienced any weight gain or loss with the medication.

If interested both you and your W can read the "Withdrawal Guide" in my signature (just click on the link). It might help both you and your W.

Post deleted by GingerAnn

exercise is just as efficacious as ssri's. Do NOT start them without serious consideration and see a psychiatrist as MOST primary care doctors are not adequately familiar with the subtle differences in reactions to these meds.

THanks for the input. Right now sex isn't an issue as I really don't want to touch her- I am very very mad at this whole thing and po'ed that she put me in this situation.

Actually, the wife thinks I just have a character flaw since i am considering meds to get over this. She also doesnt' want our family doctor to know, we live in a pretty small town.

she is also very against any kind of counseling, and right now the only reason I"m still here is becasue of our two small children. Our marriage sucked before and it suckes even more now...

I've read the surviving an affair book and have his needs, her needs, I didn't have to do plan A as she came out of the A already and we have NC- and I check- but I am really struggling- i dont' think I should meet her needs becasue I am so mad at her,and she is mad at me and resents me and doesnt' want to meet my needs. we're at a pretty big stalemate. I know that I should meet her needs, I just really dont' want to right now- and she just picks and picks at me and can't let it go. I know we're just in the first few weeks, but i'm hanging on by a thread.

I have been thinking about this whole A thing, which probably isnt' good, but....

I don't care about meeting her needs. i just want to kick her out. I always said that if she did anything like this tome I would consider her less than dirt. I guess I'm the only one here who feels likethis, or else you wouldnt' be here, right?

So why am I here? I guess I do love her, but more for the kids. She isn't trying at all to meet any of my needs, I look back on our marriage and see no good times, nothing to hold on to in this time- it seems like she's just rubbing salt in the wounds- she's weepy and clingy and I could care less. Maybe we can just survive and time will heal it over- but she makes it so hard by blaming me for all she did!

I really see not much hope.

help, it is up to you if you choose to stay in this marriage or not. No one else can decide that for you. There is NO SHAME in deciding to leave the marriage if you so decide. This forum is to help those who want to save their marriage, it never says that everyone SHOULD. That is entirely a personal decision.

However, I would only suggest that you not make that decision for at least a year. Right now you are mad as he11, but you won't be mad in 2 years. If you follow the MB principles, you CAN have a happy marriage, but you will never know if you don't try.

Do you know for sure that she has ended all contact with the OM?

I'm with MelodyLane, until you can look at your M OBJECTIVELY, and right now, pain and anger help to keep reality elusive, you will not be clear.

You two DECIDED to have children together (no matter HOW they came about), so you are responsible for them and their wellbeing. If you can tough it out and begin to work to implement the MB principles, you may have a thriving, happy, family and M. It's up to you.