I posted this on the "Just Found Out", but it was suggested that I also post here for more input.


DH and I have been married almost 20 years. Things between DH and I have not been great for awhile. We seem to be more like room mates than husband and wife. I am busy with work, housework, kids, family committments, ect... He works, does some side work for the church (minimal pay) and another guy for sound jobs. In our early years I would cook, he would clean up, etc... we would work together to do things around the house. Now I am the maid - cook, clean, shop, .... He does pay the bills (but it takes him hours - he does it all online), mow the lawn and take out the trash. He will play Mr. Mom when I have a PTO meeting or something that keeps me out.

Most evenings he comes home, I feed the family dinner, then he goes into the office to "work" on the computer. I do the dishes, help with homework, throw in some laundry, and grade papers. He claims that he is online with work, or doing the bookkeeping, or checking email. He will spend the whole evening in there, and then come out to tell me good night. Sometimes I walk by and see he is playing a game of solitaire - don't like it, but ok. One night as I walk by he quickly toggled to a new webpage, however I caught what looked like naked female parts out of the corner of my eye as I walk by.

I just did not have a good feeling about this. So I logged on to his account on our family computer. I found a bunch of porn sites on his favorites and history, and that he has a Myspace account. At one, he had even set up an account for meeting women - including pictures (one of his birthday suit). Additionally, I found emails and AIM from various women. Some, I don't think much of (foriegn girls wanting money), but there is one I am very concerned about. He has had what appears to be an ongoing email and phone relationship with one particular email. I found her info on Myspace and have figured out that she is someone he knows and works with professionally. Although she is on the East Coast, it appears that they communicate regularly, and that the discussions I read are not appropriate for two married people (with kids). She even sent him a picture of her after a "hot, steamy bath."

This was about a month ago. Since then I have printed out a continuous stream of emails, and saved videos (by both of them) and pictures on a traveldrive. There is talk of meeting up the first week of May when she is out here on business. I have found her name, address, phone, and contact information for her husband at his work.

Although my first reaction was wanting to kick him out, I could not do that without hurting my kids. Besides, even though he has hurt me in a way I have never been hurt before, I still love him. Thus I have spent this month getting my head together, gathering evidence, seeking counseling, and protecting myself financially.

I want to confront him, prior to May. I just do not know what to say, or how much to let him know I know. It is tough to find a time this month to be alone with him (busy time of year with school and kid's commitments). I have tried going over and over in my head what I will say, but I just don't want to mess this up.

Any advice from those who have been here?

I would just ask him if he has some time to discuss something important to the marriage and his family. Then I would let him know that you know he is having an emotional affair, which may soon be physical. You don't need to give away your source, just tell him you are certain, and the two of you need marriage counseling.

Then talk to Mrs. Steamy's husband, and show him your proof. That ought to end the affair.

Ditto. I might even mention something to HR about not wanting her travelling here considering she is having an A with your husband, and give them your proof. Sure, your WH is going to be pissed at first, but it will keep him from sleeping from this OW.

Also, your relationship needs to improve. You need to be more than roommates. What ENs of his have you been neglecting? What LBs have you been committing. You need to work at reconnecting with your WH.

brokenincali
Welcolm to the MB forums. I am so sorry you have to find yourself here, but it's the best you could landed under your circumstances.

IMHO, you actually have two issues going here at the same time: first being porn, and the second being the emotonal affair(EA) he has going with work colleague.

To address the EA first, It is imperative that you learn and study what Plan A and Plan B are. Plan A is counterintuitive, and seems odd, and the last thing you should do. But is essential to win your H back into the M. It's about atracting your H back into his M and his commitment to you.
First obstacle to this is the EA he is having with co worker. You will need to EXPOSE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER H! Exposing this A is your gratest weapon in ending it, Pronto!

As far as the porn goes, make no mistake, this is also infidelity, and cannot be tolerated in your M if it is to survive. If he is a sex addict(SA), then he need to address this problem, as any other addict would.

Hang in there for more help from the Pro's.

All Blesings,
Jerry

I am pretty sure that they have already slept together at least once. About two months ago, he came home from a meeting with the "guys" from the company the OW works for after midnight. She does not work for the same company as WH, but rather a supplier/vendor. So I am not sure about contacting HR.

Anyways, Plan A does make sense to me. And I am starting to implement.

I really just don't know what words to use to confront him. How much do I tell, show. Any advice on how others have "broached the topic."

Great, she works for a vendor. Contact her HR and let them know that not only is she soliciting business from your H's company, but also sex from a married man at the company, probably on an expense account as well. That is one way to "take care" of a client. I don't know why you are not sure to contact HR. It probably violates corporate ethics and they should know about it. Who cares if your H gets mad, he is the one that screwed up, not you, and it would probably prevent them from meeting up together for business again.

I would do all your exposure simultaneously, to his parents, to his friends, to HR for both their companies, and to OWH. Tell your WH that you don't want to hear any stories, but you KNOW what is going on between him and OW. You don't need to prove anything to him. He is not on trial. You are your own judge and jury and have already found him guilty. You tell him that his A stops TODAY, and that you want to start MC immediately. Expose him to the consequences of his actions. If every criminal just got a slap on the wrist, there would be even more crime than there is today. You need to be tough and strong.

Dear BrokeninCali,
I am bumping your thread for you hoping that some female experts will see your thread and help you. I think you could use some help from some long-time posters like Pepperband and MelodyLane, and Mulan. It sounds like you have all the infor you need to know that your WH is way out of bounds. It sounds like you are having trouble pulling the trigger with confronting him with the fact that you know what he is doing. You don't have to show him any evidence and should show him no evidence. When you confront him, you should also expose to Other Woman's Husband. I'm not certain if I would show him your evidence because you don't know how he is going to react and you don't want him showing evidence to his wife and having it get back to your husband. I would think that you would want to select some evidence to show other woman's husband that would allow you to keep your sources private.
Lake

Dear BrokeninCali,
I am bumping your thread for you hoping that some female experts will see your thread and help you. I think you could use some help from some long-time posters like Pepperband and MelodyLane, and Mulan. It sounds like you have all the infor you need to know that your WH is way out of bounds. It sounds like you are having trouble pulling the trigger with confronting him with the fact that you know what he is doing.

You don't have to show him any evidence and should show him no evidence. When you confront him, you should also expose to Other Woman's Husband. I'm not certain if I would show him your evidence because you don't know how he is going to react and you don't want him showing evidence to his wife and having it get back to your husband.

I would think that you would want to select some evidence to show other woman's husband that would allow you to keep your sources private.
Lake

Broken,

Glad you moved this from Just Found Out. I agree with Lake that more female input would be helpful.

Wish I had more insight other than to say 'get your ducks in a row' before you confront. Gsh has a similar thread on 'how to expose' you might check out regarding simultaneous exposure to the other person's spouse.

Ace

BIC, I would simply tell him that you know all about his affair. Give him some basic details, enough to convey the message that you know all about it. Let him know that you know your marriage has not been the best place for years and that you are prepared for forgive him and work on making your marriage a happy, exciting place where his needs are met.

Ask him to end his affair immediately and send a no contact letter to the OW. He should NEVER, EVER, EVER be in any sort of contact with her again in order for your marriage to recover.

Ask him to join you in counseling with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders. He is simply the BEST and his first exposure to a MC should be with someone like Steve who CAN GIVE HIM HOPE OF HAPPINESS WITH YOU. That will be very important. He needs to believe that he can be happy with you. SH may be able to convey that message successfully.

And lastly, and very importantly, is you must tell the OW's husband about the affair and give him all your information. Don't warn your H you are going to do this, just do it. This will greatly increased the odds that the affair really does end if there are people watching from both ends. It will also give them a chance to work on their marriage, which lessens the chance she will resume contact.

Once you negotiate and work out all this, come back here and we can guide you through recovery. Get the book Surviving an Affair and Fall in Love, Stay in Love by the Harleys. You can buy them cheap on this website.

You don't know how very lucky you are to have stumbled onto Marriage Builders. I have never seen a more amazing and successful approach to saving marriages and have greatly benefited from MB. Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you have a keylogger on his computer? If not, I would get one on there before you confront, so you can VERIFY his activities on the computer.

BIC, what do you mean when you say "D-Day 3-21-07?" What happened on that day?

Here is an excellent article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Mel

I am looking for an old post from the BW who saved up all the evidence and then confronted her WH all in one fell swoop

saying something like:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know you are having an affair.

Do not insult both of us by any attempt to deny the truth.

Let's get it out on the table and deal with the facts.

What are you planning to do?
leave me?
Continue to cheat on me?
What is your plan?
~~~~~~~~~~~


something like that

do you remember it Mel?

Pep

Pep, that doesnt ring a bell, but I like that approach. Asking him what his plan is would be a good open ended question that could get him talking.

That approach is very effective when the betrayed has a bunch of e-mails or other evidence.

1. Put any kids to bed or send them off to grannys.

2. Feed the WS a good meal.

3. Make coffee. Sit with WS and say:

I KNOW you are having an affair.
PLEASE, do not insult both of us with any worthless denials. NOW is the time for honesty. Let's deal with the facts.

The FACT is you ~are~ having an affair.

What is your plan now?

Continue? Stop? Divorce?

What are your thoughts on this?

when the WS starts to sputter stoopid denials

you *** THUNK *** drop a package containing copies of your evidence in front of him and say

STOP RIGHT NOW ....~this~ (point to package) is just some of the proof. There is lots more.
So instead of dentying reality... let's discuss the facts.

Just wait. Watch. Listen.

MUST NOT GET ANGRY.

Pep

Hi Pepperband:

I am a BS who has e-mail evidence of an EA of my WW with OM who happens to be her boss for 28 years.

I am confused as to whether to reveal the e-mail evidence or not and whether to tell the OMW at the same as I confront my WW or after.

MWML, I would suggest telling the OMW just before you confront your wife. That way, no one has an opportunity to pre-empt you and spin the story to the OMW. You could plan on you both confronting your spouses at the same time, in fact.

As far as revealing that you have the email evidence to your wife, I would try and not reveal your source. Rather, just tell her you KNOW that XYZ has been taking place and give her just enough to ensure her that you know everything. Produce the emails only if you have to.

To protect your resource, you might want to place a keylogger on her computer BEFORE you do this to ensure contact ends. www.spectorpro.com is good.

She will have to leave that job in order for your marriage to recover, btw.

Brokeincali,

As Ace mentioned I do have a very similar situation going on right now and the advise from Pepper and Melody Lane was the best. I found out mid-March for sure and started implementing the best I could the A plan even though I was hurting so much. It really does help with when you actually confront. Two weeks after I started that, something just triggered me and I knew that it was the time to do the confronting. Amazingly enough I was so calm and direct and had no tears when I spoke, I couldn't believe it. He stuttered a bit but admitted. I didn't show all the zillions of emails, I just stated what I knew and that I had proof and wanted it to stop. He wrote a NC letter to her and rec'd a response which he shared and her comment was "maybe this is a wake up call for both of us"...

I know we have work to do with each other and there are still nagging feelings on my part which I know are normal.

I still have not confronted her H because I am having trouble finding the phone number since it is an out of town situation and I believe its unlisted...
I am still snooping and have seen no further evidence, but it has only been a week since I confronted. I have all the emails if I should ever need them which I want to show him at some point (not sure why, but I do)

The best thing I can say to you right now is just do it and be direct and try not to get emotional. It does work. I couldn't have done it that way if it wasn't for the advise on here.

MWML,

It appears this was your first post so Welcome to MB. I'm relatively new here, too, but this site and the generous posters have given my H and me the beginnings of a new 'real' marriage. This is a great thread to get info on how to begin. The key is to continue to post and ask questions and follow through, in spite of any unsurmountable challenges that may erupt.


Brokenincali,

Please keep us posted on your progress with your sitch and read all you can on this site in the meantime.


gsh,

You are an inspiration in how you are willing to share your short story with another newbie so early in your process. I'm glad you two can share in your challenges together, even though no two sitchs (situations) are alike.

All of you should check out the "Spying 101" thread to ensure you have all the tools needed to help your spouses through withdrawal. Wish I'd known about that.

I've just passed a major milestone which I'll share in My Mr. Romance thread shortly.

Ace

Thank you all for the input. It helps to know I am not alone in this H*ll.

Melodylane..

I tried to put a keylogger on the computer (PandoraPC), and I think Norton caught it. I will try again before confrontation, and try to get Norton to ignore it. I would feel better about confronting if that was there. As the only way I could have "discovered" what he was up to is on the computer, he will know that I know how to access his secret accounts. Thus in order to continue to monitor his activities (because he might change passwords, emails, etc..)I would like to have the keylogger working.


D-Day was the day I went snooping on the computer and found a series of inappropriate emails on a secret email account to OW and others, found his paid registrations on two dating sites, found the dating sites he was regularly visiting. In other workds, that is the day the H*ll for me began.

Exposing to the OWH is possible, but a bit tough. Although I have the home number and work contacts, there is a three hour time difference - he is ahead of us. I can't contact him during my work day (I am an elementary teacher - I can't have this stuff at work). Before work, I have the kids to get off to school (mornings are crazy). If I call after work, I would have to call home and might end up talking to OW. I just have to figure this out. I also don't want him knowing and because of the time difference, him confronting his wife and then her tipping off my DH before I confront.