Hello,

I am new here and I cant even remember if I posted my story, so here is a quick recap.

BH - (me) 32
WW - 33
Dating - 4years
Married - 9
One child - Jake 2years old
We live in IL (important for later)

I was a homebody in my mid to late 20's - played video games, watched movies while WW would go see family. Asked if it bothered her, she said no.

I would also use excuse of work to avoid doing things I did not want to and she would have to go alone. Still insisted it did not bother her.

Straw that broke the camel's back - Jan '06 I did not attend her best friend's wedding which she was maid of honor in b/c of work (I know that was dumb, in hindsight - at time I thought it was ok <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )

Feb '06 - WW in conference in Phoenix and saw OM - said she was immediately attracted to him and they exchanged cell phone numbers (he lives in OPH, is married and has 3 kids)

May '06 - she falls ourt of love with me

Aug '06 - she falls in love with him - they talk every day or every other day up to 50 minutes a day on way to/from work

Dec '06 - says she not happy with life

Jan '07 - says she not happy with marriage, work or where she is in life

Feb '07 - says she not happy with marriage

March 9th, 2007 - Says she no longer has feelings for me, that she had feelings for someone else but it scared her and she stopped

March 22nd - says she loves OM, they have been talking since Feb '06 and that nothing physical ever happened, just that they have an EA, and that she does not love me and wants a divorce. She felt alone in our marriage and grew used to it - now she wants to be alone - the house represents misery to her. I say forgive me for what I did, and I will forgive you - let's work on the marriage and go to counseling and you stop contatc with OM immediately - she leaves for the weekend, and says she will NOT stop talking to him and will NOT go to counseling

March 25th - She WILL go to counseling and will stop talking to him, but feels it is too late because she no longer has feelings for me

March 28th - He calls her - she tells him we can't talk anymore, good bye and hangs up.

March 30th - 1st MC session (together)

April 3rd - Her first IC - same therapist as above

April 4th - I read Surviving an Affair in 1 hour and 12 minutes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

April 7th - OK here it gets confusing. Driving home I say to her we need to talk. She says ok. I say several people have mentioned this to me, that what type of guy only talks to a girl on the phone unless they want to get somwhere physical or have already been there. She insists the worst they did was hug once and touch hands - they never even kissed (I believe that she is telling me the truth - she repeated this same statement sever al times since March 22nd - the only new twist was the hug, which to me is not that big of a deal). SO I bring up Survivng an Affair and contacting his wife - but I told her I would not if she knew he would not call - she said he would not because of the conversation on March 27th. I said ok, how do I know you won't call him? She said because the whole thing was stupid - it would never go anywhere and that she feels like she was using as an excuse because she thought I would react by throwing her out and D when I heard and not try to fight to stay married.

April 10th - I have first IC with same therapist - therapist thinks WW needs to discover herself before we can work on marriage because she has HUGE communication issues

OK, so two questions:

1.) I know it was an EA - but how concerned should I be if, in the time frame of two weeks, it went from I love him not you BYE to it was stupid and unrealistic.

2) What should we concentrate on first - her IC or fixing our marriage?

Thanks!

"therapist thinks WW needs to discover herself before we can work on marriage because she has HUGE communication issues"

Sounds to me like you need to do counseling with the Harley's and forget the therapist. Your wife has cheating issues.

I would expose the affair to the OM's wife. She deserves to know what hubby is up to. Also it will help with no contact.

The affairees often lie about the affair not being physical, so prepare for that.

Your wife needs to write a no contact letter to him, and give it to you for approval. It should say the affair was a HUGE mistake, she wants to work on your marriage, and for him not to contact her ever again for any reason. See if she will do that.

By the way, welcome.

The only reason I believe her is that she did not fall in love with him until August '06 - they met in Feb '06 and she said she just wanted to get to know him - he lives in Cleveland and we live in Chicago - they have only seen each other face to face 6 times in the last year - the three days in Phoenix and 3 lunches when he was in town for work purposes.

I do not even know if she knows his address - like I said, they have only spoke on the phone (except for those 5 days).

But I know where you are coming from - in fact it is scaring me - took her 4 months to go from I don't feel right to wanting to leave me - her affair started as we just talked, then we tounched hands once and now it is up to a hug - I wonder if in June she will say they slept together - I am NOT ready for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

An emotional affair can be worse than a physical affair, especially for a woman. We have seen women here leave their children and fly across the country to meet a man they met online.

So, who knows? Just be prepared.

So, since you read SAA in an hour and 12 minutes (good on you), Plan A should be fresh in your mind. That is the starting point. Figure out her EN's and start meeting them.

During all of this, how is the sex life going?

I am trying to meet her emotional needs - her top 5 are Family, Admiration, Honesty (I deserve an Oscar for NOT laughing when she told me that), Recreational companionship and Affection - I did a terrible job meeting all but Affection and Honesty, so I can see why she fell out of love - I have been working on all 5 continuously since I read the book - I know that is not long, but it is a start...

Sex = Nonexistant - Last time we slept together was March 8th - the day before she told me she did not have feelings for me anymore - we still kiss and have had a couple of more intimate moments, but no intercourse.

I think she does not feel right - she had been sleeping with me regularly the whole time, which, if she is telling the truth, means she slept with me for 10 months without loving me - I imagine that after she told me she did not have in love feelings for me she wanted to stop pretending she loved me and pretending she wanted to sleep together. She has said that intimacy will return when her feelings of being in love do. I do not know what to think about that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Intimacy will return, guaranteed. And she will feel in love with you again if you keep meeting her needs, and there is no contact with the other man.

So continue meeting her need, and expect NOTHING in return. Your marriage didn't get like this overnight, and it isn't going to get fixed overnight.

Watch for contact. And you should ask her to write a no contact letter. See what she says about that.

Believer,

Thanks so much for your input - I really appreciate it!!!!

You are very welcome. Hopefully some more folks will weigh in. It is fairly late, and there will be more input in the morning.

All of this stuff is awful, but I promise you that things do get better. Now is the time to figure that you want a marriage that is better than the one you had before, and work toward that.

OK - been thinking about it - how do I know when she is through withdrawl - I think she is if the comments she made above were true, but all she really said was that it was stupid - NOT that she no longer had a desire to call him or that she did not love him anynmore - how do I approach this, or do I not bring it up?

Second, I have a future problem - the conference she met him at is being held again in May - should I ask her not to go, or, if we are working on the marriage, believe she can resist him? I believe you will all tell me to make her not go - I just do not know if she won't - (not for him, but she loves her job - she said that seeing him there will not be a big deal - there are 600 other people)

Thanks again!

I thought of something else - should I ask her to read the book Survivng an Affair so she can understand where I am coming from and why I am doing what I am doing, or should she not know about Plan A/Plan B or stufflike that?

I would REALLY like her to read the section on affairs and the deaths of affairs (to reinforce her comment above where she admits talking to him was stupid), but I would feel weird if I said "Read this section but NOT this one!"

Thanks again!

Don't try to lecture or educate her. It is always a waste of time.

She absolutely cannot go to the conference. That will allow the affair to start over again. It would be like sending a crack addict to a crack house for recovery.

2) What should we concentrate on first - her IC or fixing our marriage?

uhhh

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!

WRONG ANSWER

really wrong answer...

"her IC"...nope....

"our marriage"....

wrong again....

you pick a time frame for YOU and YOU work on YOU and YOUR plan A....

which means....

stop any isolation and engage your wife daily in your life,...your passions...your ideas ...and your partnership with HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fill your home and life with joy and happiness...

compliment her
do things for her...

EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN

seek out yourself a hugely pro marriage counselor...
not some pop psyche feeding in to finding oneself crap

you APOLIGIZE....for not attending the wedding....
soulfully
and
sincerely...

and you dump the insane counselor who advocates finding oneself......

what is your plan A
what are dong in plan A

what are YOUR questions concerns and unsureness about PLAN A

ATTEND THE CONFERENCE WITH HER..MAKE IT A VACATION OF LOVE

ARK^^

OK - I am at a low on this rollercoaster ride - I understand what you are saying ark^^, I really do, but let me ask this - are we supposed to close our Love Bank for some sort of Bank Holiday while we are in Plan A - cause I am beyond depressed.

She called me from the conference last night, drunk, again (I know people drink at these conferences, but that is how she met the OM last year) and all I could do was feel pity for myself and anger for her. I want to stress that I did not say any of this to her.

DO I wait to get through Plan A before I am honest with her about my trust issues and keep my Bank closed until then because she is having MAJOR withdrawls (if the Bank was open, that is).

Thanks for listening.

Nowwhat74

I thought you said the conference wasn't until May?

well that's because you have EXPECTATIONS in plan A...

plan A is about NO EXPECTATIONS of any type of return to your love bank...

it is total giving and doing with NO STRINGS attached...

why would YOU take a phone call from a drunk woman...

dear...I'll talk to you tomorrow..be safe...

anything else ....talking to a drunk WS you signed up and put yourself in that position....

what do you mean your trust issues...

there is no trust issue...

you don't trust her
you shouldn't trust her
and until in real recovery will you even begin to deal with trust issue...
what is the point about talking about it now except it will alienate her and feed in to doubts that you can't past this...

AND

that she has caused too much damage

don't people understand in plan A there is NO point in discussing relationship stuff because the WS is in NO way capable of processing it.....on an even level...neither is the BS able to present it on an even level....

it becomes an emotional tangled mess that expends energy unraveling when neither partner has the TOOLS necessary to free themselves...

it's self sabotaging
it's feeds the junkie mind of the WS

i am evil
i am bad


plan a is about HER bank not yours...

can you see this
what are YOUR questions about plan A...

boundary for you...

DO NOT TALK TO DRUNK WOMAN ON THE PHONE..

ELEMENTARY...

ARK

I am sorry - I should explain better - last year there were 2 conferences, she only went to one (the Health Care division, where the OM works).

This year there are two again, the General Line one (which is now) and in May the Health Care one (which she is currently supposed to attend as well as the OM)

That is the one I am really worried about - I did not expect to be as worried about the one she is at currently as I was last night - I thought this one would be easy - I was wrong and did not truly understand the depth of mistrust I had for her until last night.

Nowwhat 74

ark^^

Thank you for your open, heartfelt and honest replies - I truly appreciate them because they are helping me better understand what to and what NOT to expect.

So here is my question - she "loves me but is not in love with me" but she has also stated that what she did with the OM was stupid (she did NOT say the same about her feelings for him) She even thinks what she did was just an excuse for her to try to end our marriage because she wants to be alone, and not with him (she assumed I would divorce her and not fight for our marriage)

So, should Plan A end when she is through her withdrawl symptoms, or when she is ready to be fully committed to fixing our marriage? Do I even bring up the OM and ask if her feelings are gone, or do I wait for her to approach me?

I am so confused - thanks again for everyone here for their help and guidance - without you this situation would be 100 times worse....

Nowwhat74

the end of plan A is in your court....NOT hers...

you pick a time period...

you do not tell her about your time period...

then you plan a relentlessly.....

the better the plan A
the more effective plan B

two to two and half months of good plan A...

three months if you can STAND it...

filling her love bank...

have you changed your ways...

the isolation
are you seeking activities with her together

are you bringing her tokens of deep love and appreciation...
which is often as simple as a coffee or a favorite dessert from a favorite restuarant...without expecting or wanting a THANKYOU

taking her lunch at work...

putting note on her steering wheel...

hope you have lovely day....

plan A is full of actions....

what are YOUR plan A actions

ARK

also are you going on the May trip.....with her...have you suggested it..

ark

This is confusing to me - I thought you did not have to go to Plan B unless the WW was not willing to end her A with the OM - so would not a real good Plan A prevent Plan B from ever being necessary? If that is true, how do I know Plan A worked? When she is willing to committ 100% to fixing our marriage? Or is it when I am 100%?


To the point she is overwhelmed with my changes - I really was a passive participant in our marriage - she did everything.

Her ENs, in order, are
1. Family
2. Admiration
3. Open and Honest (I deserve an Oscar for not laughing at her when she said that)
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Affection

I was failing on going with her to family activities for 4+ years, which is a 3 hitter on her bank (Family, Admiration and Recreation all in one)

I can see why she was unhappy. I would stay home and watch movies/play video games. I looked forward to those times - but no longer. I put all the video games in a box and said "Let's sell these and take a trip, just you and me." She said it was too extreme.

I have not missed one opportunity to go out with her on family outings or dates - not one - she says I am being overbearing and the change is too much for her.

I am doing laundry, cooking and running errands, all things I failed to do before - she says I am trying to hard.


She says whenevr I do stuff like this (pick her up lunch, come to her work for lunch, send her flowers, have candles lit and dance to a slow song at home, etc.), it makes her sad because she does not feel the same for me and feels pressured by my actions - I told her do not worry about it, I do not expect anything in return - I just want you to feel special. Again, she says I am trying to hard - that she needs time alone to figure out what she wants.


At this point I do not know - I want to keep showing her how much I love her and how sorry I am for the past and how much better our marriage will be when we get through this, but I keep getting roadblocks of you are trying to hard, give me space, stop being so overbearing, etc.

On the other hand, she said the affair was stupid - so is it over?

Again, and as usual, I am confused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nowwhat 74