I am 43 years old and have been married to a loving, thoughtful man for 16 years and we have a 14 year old son.

Unfortunately, a recent argument has spurred my husband to suddenly decide to take an overseas civilian contractor job in Iraq for 6 months! The original source of the argument was petty (I moved a drinking glass) but he says that he's short tempered because he's been under a lot of stress lately over the deep financial debt we're in. (We have an astronomical mortgage payment and three vehicle payments which take up practically our entire paychecks.) He says this job will pay $8000 a month and we can have all the cars paid off in 6 months and will be able to live a little more comfortably.

To make a long story short, I'm so angry and scared over this that it's making me physically ill. We've had several fights over this and I'm at the point now where I can barely stay under the same roof with him. He says I'm not being supportive while I think he should have looked into local job options or let me take a night job. Most of all, I think he should have given this more thought. (My husband has a long history of doing impulsive things only to regret them later - which is why we have the three car payments and the huge mortgage!) Instead, he let his friends talk him into this and only three weeks after the initial incident which started all this, he's all processed and is set to fly out on April 29th. So much for giving this some thought!!!

What vexes me the most is that my husband has slapped me with this so suddenly and expects me to be cool with it. Am I being unreasonable? I'm so confused and so full of anger that I can't think straight. One minute I'm crying and the next minute my blood is boiling in rage.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm interested also to hear from other long distance/military wives who've gone through a similar emotional journey.

Thanks.

One thing I forgot to clarify in my post above is that my husband is going over there on his own. My son and I are staying stateside. (Another poster had thought that I was also going.)

Sorry, I posted this to the wrong thread. =)


Chakkuri – Not sure I fit the profile of who you were hoping to hear from but I’ll drop my 2 cents in. I was deployed to Iraq for 4 months so I guess that gives me a little perspective on your situation.

First off, in my opinion your discomfort with this situation is totally understandable. This is a major decision with potentially very serious consequences. First of all, Iraq is not exactly a friendly place. Even if where he is going it ‘sposed to be safe – there is nowhere I’d want anyone I care about to be in that whole country. Things can change quickly and an area that was once secure can quickly become not so safe. So, yes, this is a big deal and not a decision that should be made lightly, quickly or without your enthusiastic endorsement. A Harley fanatic (like I guess I am) would direct you to the POJA – otherwise known as the Policy of Joint Agreement. This policy states that to maintain marital harmony and happiness, nothing… NOTHING should be done without complete and enthusiastic agreement by both you and your husband. If you haven’t found a solution you are both enthusiastic about, keep brainstorming. It sounds extreme but I totally believe in it. Here is a link to his summary of this idea.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

You described your husband as loving and thoughtful but also rash, impulsive and susceptible to peer pressure. Is this current disagreement about his taking this job just a symptom of deeper marriage problems? Take a look at the love buster section and emotional needs section (in that order) of Harley’s site and see if there might be something else going unaddressed in your marriage. Have you guys filled out the love buster and emotional needs questionnaire?

Just my thoughts =)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Looks like this tale has a happy ending. Last night my husband went online and saw, for the first time, the casualty lists of all the civilian contractors who were killed in Iraq. A lot of them were from the same company he was thinking of working for.

So he decided NOT to go and has apologized profusely for putting our family through the emotional turmoil of the past few weeks.

We've got stuff to work on but we'll make it!

Thank you again for your two cents.

My heart was broken for you after reading your first post, and I am very happy to see that he is not going. I hope that you both are working diligently through Dr. Harley's concepts and applying them. I think they are working wonders for our marriage.

In any case, I'm glad your husband has decided not to go now and that you have time to spend with him to work through things. Good luck!