After knowing for about 7 weeks, the OW realized I knew about the affair. It was said to have stopped back in February, a week or so before I found out. He wanted to just pull back, and treat her professionally (coworker) & hopefully avoid losing his job in the process.

She text messaged him - 'i feel like i ruined your marriage.' He worked with her and wanted closure on the issue, but she was rude, and ignoring him, and avoiding him as much as possible.

I'm happy she knows, I feel this hope that she will no longer send advances towards him, flash undergarments, and that me and WH can work on our marriage more fully, without having her constantly there. He admits he still cares for her, and while it hurts, it didn't hurt as much until now.

After her behavior towards him yesterday, he came home and was just completely depressed. He couldn't stop thinking about her, or talking about her. He doesn't like her upset, and he definitely doesn't like her upset with him.

I realize that we don't think of this OW the same way, but I foolishly thought, this would be a happy moment. And it's not in the least. He has changed 110% then he was when the affair was taking place, but he has lied so much to me & even just the other day. I find out, and he apologizes. I'm just exhausted, hurt, and feel like leaving... but at the same time I feel like part of healing and moving forward is just around the corner... but I can't trust him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You never will trust him as long as he works with the OW, and for good reason. Simply put, if indeed the adultery is over, it's only lying dormant. It could re-spark at any moment.

That's why Dr. Harley says unequivocally a wayward spouse must leave that workplace or the “lover” must. They can never, repeat never again have any interaction. You need to obtain and read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Within the pages of that book are the principles Dr. Harley has used for thousands of couples to recover their marriage. Right now, your recovery is in jeopardy. I suggest you take action at your earliest opportunity.

Longhorn is right, there can be no contact with the OP - ever. Your husband needs to find another job.

Did you expose to his superiors? Some companies have policies agaist affairs. One or both could lose their job - that would benefit your marriage much more than the financial loss.

You *shouldn't* trust him while he continues to work with OW, although he may convince you that you can. I made this mistake and paid the price. Until he is totally withdrawn from the affair, you should assume that he is lying to you.

Think very seriously about insisting that he (or she) change jobs. Unless that happens, recovery will be extremely difficult if not impossible.

If there were one thing I could do over, it would be to have drawn the line right after DDay (#1)--change jobs, or I'm filing for divorce right here and now. I think this would have saved an awful lot of pain.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

Thank you for your insight. We have both been searching for a new job, we live in a rural community and I'm not kidding when I say it's really, slim pickings in this area (most jobs pay something like 8.00 an hour, we can't even pay mortgage at that price, and we live in a small house). We have been discussing moving as well.

Since OW found out about me knowing, she has said she's looking for a new job and wants to quit. I won't believe that until her last day, I can see why she would want to quit, but I can see why she wouldn't at the same time.

The things I have done to try and catch him in a continued affair. Things I never thought I would have to do. I still have my suspicions. I just wish I didn't have to dissect every word, keep logs, and check up on him. It makes me physically ill, all of the stress.

I have been reading the book, and trying Plan A. The contact he has is supposed to be just once a week for a few hours at work. Which is too much, I know this. But he is our main income (I do very part-time daycare, for groceries and kid stuff), he can't just up and quit, and if he gets fired for an affair, it ruins his chances in this community. He just lies and lies, and then I catch him, and he says sorry, it will never happen again... blah blah... and then it does, just something else this time.

He's changed. I don't even feel like I know him. Once in a while, its like -ah the man I fell in love with, made my vows to-... but it doesn't last. As soon he's back to work, shes there visiting him, or coming in for extra hours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The sad thing through all of this, is that I don't want anyone else. I want the man I fell in love with, I want my children to have their father. I want this to work.

Keep reading on here. The chances are good that the man you married is still in there, but he's lost in the affair. Until he withdraws from the affair, you should think of him as a different person. You will see people refer to their spouses as having been possessed by an alien, or sometimes people talk about their Wayward Spouse (WS) as opposed to their Spouse (S). It's a good way to think about him until he proves otherwise to you, and right now he's still wayward.

But know that it CAN work. How much reading have you done? Do you know about Plan A? Have you read the jumpstart guides at the top of the Just Found Out message board?

I have been working on Plan A, Ive been doing small things I let slide before, and putting in effort. Things he has mentioned in the past, more then once, that also ranked high on his emotional questionnaire. And he has noticed. At the same time some things Id love to work on, I am just too emotional to begin on, too sad to break past. But yes, I have been working on it.

The only part I haven't done is tell everyone. Of course he doesn't want me to tell anyone. But it's not really that, it's that I don't want everyone to know. My family knows, some close friends as well, and thats the extent. I haven't told our couples friends, his family knows nothing. I should do it, I just hate for them to know. They (inlaws) won't be on my side, they would think I did something to warrant it & that if this marriage doesn't work, I am the reason behind it. I have told people I know will be supportive in me, and not him, for his choices.

So...if you aren't going to expose this obscenity, ignoring Dr. Harley's express advice, what is it you want to do about the adultery? Where do you see this ending up if you let things keep on going the way they are?

That is where I am right now. I have told people, I just mostly haven't told his family. I didn't call long lost contacts to say anything.

I've been afraid telling his family would put them on his side, and that it would stress our marriage more. But I'm trying to see past that, I was thinking of telling them. I wanted to know if it would be a bad decision since we aren't the closest, my husband is very distant from them.

I've been going back and forth with telling his parents. And I am 90% sure I'm going to do this. Makes me feel ill thinking of telling them this, think both need to be there, or can I just tell mil? Should WS be there or no?

Sunday WS works late with OW, we only own one vehicle at the moment, so my sister is coming to watch the kids, and for the second time. I will go out and watch them leave. This is when everything happened in the past. He would say he was working late, but they would go out after work. I can't afford a PI, and thankfully my sister is so supportive to drive out here and help me out, loan me her vehicle.

I am thinking of telling his parents on Monday (I think that is a night WS works second shift), so I would go out then, if its recommended to leave him out of this. And it says to not tell him. That is the hardest for me.

What began in the beginning of wanting to keep things private, has now become a feeling, of letting him get out of this, or sneak away without any repercussions. And that feeling is what is motivating me to do this, and stop putting it off... I think my nerves are destroyed for life.

Is there anyone else you need to expose to besides his parents? What about the workplace? Do it all at once.