I've posted here a couple of times and have been told that I'm in a very serious situation, including numerous EA's and a PA, domestic violence, and clinical depression. I was then advised that hope is not a plan, and there is no quick fix for my marriage and that I will have to take any advice given here very seriously and that a good start is to own my part in this mess...

So.. that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying very hard to own my mistakes and stop repeating them. I am in search of a plan to follow and have read almost everything on this site. But so far have not received any advice on this board to be able to take seriously! Have I said something to tick everyone off?? Or is that just my insecure self who is so used to being rejected talking? Is it maybe because you think it is truly hopeless in my case? I know you have seen all makes and models of problems on here.. and if mine is really that much worse than maybe you're right. I don't want to give up though! I want to fight this unseen madness that has gripped my h but I feel as if I'm just flailing in the dark, hurting myself more than anyone. Please help me find the right path!

Do I understand that you want to save your M?

This is my first post, and I'm not a clinical professional, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

If there is domestic violence involved, you MUST get out and away from him as soon as possible. This doesn't mean divorce, but you need to protect yourself and any children (dont' know if you have any) that may be involved. Too many women have been killed by staying with a physically violent individual and you don't need to become another statistic.

Someone who is violent can get help, but often times it takes a lot to get them to see that. You can still desire to save your marriage while at the same time, refusing to be a punching bag and putting your life in danger.

He will need professional help. Anger management, counseling and probably a few more professional services, but he needs help. Just seperate yourself from the situation for a while. Go someplace secret and safe. But just seperate yourself from the situation as soon as humanly possible.

Once there is seperation, there can be honest dialog over the phone or through email about what needs to happen within your marriage without you being affraid of being hurt or worse.

Just please take steps to protect yourself first. Then and only then do I believe you can successfully work towards helping your marriage.

Well, you might start by reading the thread in my signature area about how to organize a marital recovery. Just click on it, read, and see if it gives you a place to start.

Thank you all so much for responding! Yes, I do want to save my marriage. And thank you for the compassion PS, but the domestic violence was by me. I just lost it a few weeks ago and started whaling on him. I didn't really physically hurt him, but the rage coming out of me scared both of us. He has been unfaithful to me in very hurtful, in my face ways over the last year, and I had just finally had it with the coldness he continued to treat me with in response to my pain from his marital disloyalty. I know it was wrong. I want to help our marriage not make things worse. I just don't know where to start! I will read the thread you have on your post longhorn and thank you all again.

foreverinlove..

until you get in control of your actions
both physical and verbal you will do no good to the relationship...

going over to your husbands place...and getting emotional towards him over his treatment and behavior of you in the past when pregnant...

is toxic passive aggressive behavior..

he can't fix change or do a thing about it....

and to get that way is
non productive energy wasted

it will only frustrate and piss him off....

whining cause he's having a beer instead of coming over....

is toxic and sabotaging to the evening....

you need to reign in all contact in to YOUR control

you need to release ANY and ALL expectations of ANYTHING from him...

you need to have every word from your mouth be calm and level.....

and you need to be in control of you

inspite of anything he does or does not do...

I suggest you make a very very strict plan for yourself...

10 minute phone call once tomorrow..
only pleasant and positive content NOT relationship talk...

10 minute phone call the next day...

till you have 3 -5 days of such...

then perhaps a half hour meeting

NO relationship talk..

do you understand how your communication skills undermine your recovery...which you are miles from....

stuff your pain..
unload it to yourself..
or one other close friend who can hold burdon for you..
but do not unload it on him..

he is not capable of processing it or helping you...
and it drags you both down...

you need a strict tight controlled plan A...in which you conquer your poor skills little by little and build on the triumphs instead of bad interaction after bad interaction...

you should focus on your dad...
and grieve with your immediate family and NOT rely on your husband right now for ANYTHING

you keep setting him and you up for failure...

do you understand my opinion...which can be wrong...
but what say you

ARK

YES!!!! I do understand what you are saying and I think you are soooooo right! The key is that he is not capable of processing any of this right now and he can't help me with my pain, fears, or multiple dilemmas. I kept on thinking that because he is my husband, that he should man up and help me whether or not he wanted to. Well, should maybe, but I'm slowly realizing while reading info on this site that you can't shoulda anything and if someone doesn't want to be there for you, then they just plain won't be, regardless of vows or shoulds. Unfortunately, I don't have any immediate family close.. it's just me with my dad at the hospital, oh and his current girlfriend. We come from a long line of dysfunctional people and my siblings haven't even made the effort to travel here. It's especially hard because I'll be all emotional about this and then try to come home to the kids and not let on how scared and sad I am, ya know, not lean on them. So I was stopping by H's house, trying to let out some of the tears and pain, before coming home. But that backfired terribly. Because he is just not capable of helping me right now. He's in his own pain and withdrawel over NC with the OW and as much as that hurts me to know and especially when he says how much he misses her, cuz he can't talk to me, and how she is his best friend, blah, blah, blah, blah.. I know that I HAVE to just stuff my feelings, except for in counseling and maybe a journal.

I've read a few posts on here where the BS who was a man was being congratulated for being strong enough to do what was right for the marriage in spite of nothing in return and how eventually their wife is so thankful for their strength and forsight. I feel like that is what I'm being called upon to do. I HAVE to get control of myself and conquer my despair in order to save my own sanity and maybe even my marriage.

I will try the 10 minute phone call every day plan. It helps to have such a concrete plan, even if it is just baby steps at this point. I can't thank you enough for pointing me in the right direction ARK!!!

I've also read the stuff on make a plan that you submitted Longhorn, and really have a clearer idea of where this 10 minute phone call is leading to. I wrote down the do;'s and don'ts so I could reread them several times a day. Also wanted to repost them for anyone else tryine to navigate these dangerous waters.

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP






Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

FIL,




You"re kidding, right?

Pep, starfish, believer, ark et al.

It don't get any better sweetie.

No I'm not kidding actually. Pepperband said she had no advice other than get professional help.. done. Believer said I needed to take all advice that I received here seriously... that's exactly what I was asking for with this post.. any and all advice to take completely to heart! Then Longhorn and especially ARK showed up and really helped get me on my way.. thanks again all!! I may need to ask for guidance along the way.. in fact I'm sure I will, but at least I have a start!