4-11-07
My H told me he was leaving on 2/13/07. Said he loved me, he was not 'in love' with me. I found MB and tried to meet all of his needs! He would respond positively while the need was being met, but each time it backfired the next day and he pulled a little father away.

He quit his job and left 3*16*07. Moved in with his brother's family -he sleeps in the living room! It is 180 miles away. He was paying their bills, buying the kids stuff, tok the kids camping and fishing, etc. He went thru about $4700 dollars in 2 months.

I then found McDonald's Stop Your Divorce and downloaded it for $80. I have been following that advice for a month now, and H is still not home. It seemed to work at first, I stopped calling him , so he called me 2-3 times a day. Great! But it waned.

He was coming every weekend to get his stuff. Once he came alone, so we had sex, etc. Then I thought of what McD said and told him "sex is for my husband who lives with me". Since then things have cooled.

So I downloaded another e-book for $50 - alot of the same advice as McD's) I am very fast running out of money, as I have the bulk of the financial responsibility and he did not work for a month. I will probably lose the house if things are not resolved quickly.

He calls about once a day (but not yet today and it is 9:34pm). I don't know what to say, what not to say, etc. I am so confused!!! I bought Divorce Busters and read it and have tried a couple of those techniques. Like telling him how I was happpy that he is happy living with his brother and being responsible for everyone. How I overestimated him but was glad he settle for a 7$ an hour job. Etc. (A 180 on wht I would have normally said.)
He asked me if I was happy. I didn't know what to say!!! Do I say no.. I miss you? Do I say yes, I am happy. So I said, Things are going good. Some of this stuff is contradictory. I am so confused.

He just called! He wanted to see how my day went. I was smiling in my voice. I asked if he was coming on Friday (he had mentioned it last call) he said probably not. I told him I was going to see if he wanted to see the movie 300. He said with gas prices and all, he only has 100 and change left till his payday from his new job. Talked briefly about the cat he took with him. He said he would call me tomorrow.

I would greatly appreciate any advice from poeple who have successfully turned things around. Especially about what to say, not say, do and not do. I don't want to push him away like McD says.
E-mailed McD and he said 1. act like I don't love him
2. date others.
I thought about Mort Fertel's program, but I do not have 400 dollars at my disposal. I bought Live Your Best Life, and The Purpose Driven Life, and they have helped me personally, but not with the sitch.

I feel like my head is going to explode from trying to figure out what to do! I am willing and eager to meet his needs! I love him more than anyone else on this planet! yet I know I must submit to God's will. I have been asking God to show me what He wants me to do. Yet I feel so lost! Any advice would be so appreciated. PS: He says he wants to be friends. He is not hostile. Just gone.
Other info:
Me - 40 yrs., 1st grade teacher
Him -41 yrs., just changed jobs
Mrd - 19 yrs.
no kids, just pets

4-12-07
He said he doesn't want to be married anymore. He doesn't want the responsibility. He had recently (around christmas) admitted to 3 sex encounters about 8 yrs ago. He said they were pure sex. He wants to live with family a few months to pay off his credit cards, then move far far far over the ocean far away so he doesn't have to worry and can have a fresh start. That is what he said.
Now I know it is not working out that way. It took him a month to get a $7 hr job. Can't pay much with that. I think it is some sort of midlife crisis. I think he is not happy with himself and doesn't want to work on it.

He did call today while I was at work at about 4:30. I was happy he called and told him "I was hoping it was you calling!" I hope it was not the wrong thing. I am so worried about saying or doing the wrong thing!

He seemed ok with it. Again, he said he just wanted to see how my day was going. he said he will call later. It is 9:01 so he will probably call before 10pm. I know we can fix this if he would just come home! I know to back off, meet his needs yet not be to clingy. I know to focus on the future and not the past. Yes I have forgiven him and have told him so. I think he has not forgiven himself yet.

I just keep reading everything I can and praying as much as I can. Any advice would be sooooo helpful. I am thinking about seeing a christian marriage counselor a friend has recommended. By the way, his family is on my side as is everyone we know.

Well not it is 10:25pm and he has not called. So I am going to bed now. So disappointed. I just wanted to hear his voice. Should I go 'dark' on him? Or not yet?

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". It will give you insight into the dynamics of an affair, and how marriages become vulnerable.

Until you get the book, read all you can on this website, especially about Plan A and exposure. I bet there is another woman involved.

Read as many threads here and you can see affairs have a common theme. And the Harley's, founder of this site, have a series of steps that can be taken to "save a marriage".

Like you don't have anything else to do, do some snooping. Check all credit card receipts, bank withdrawals (time and location), cell phone records, and look for any clues as to what might be behind all his erratic behavior.

Read and learn and empower yourself. You can make a difference.

SD

PS...click edit on your first post and break it up in to some paragraphs. Some of us older people can't read the posts to well without some breaks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes...

Yep, there is a woman involved somewhere. Do some snooping.
Has he visited his brother before? It must be someone close to where he is living.

Then see an attorney to protect yourself financially. Waywards can go through the money quickly, and he needs to pay his share of responsibilities.

sandianne...

my advice for you would be to..

1. establish if there is an affair..
ask the people he is living with...are any of them allies...for you to safely ask...

2. DEFINITELY secure yourself financially....start to throw wrenches in to the conversation that are innocent...but get his attention....
when on the phone..
"I was looking at divorce laws in our state on line...some interesting stuff there...
and then SAY NOTHING...TOTALLY change the subject and do NOT get dragged in to any conversation about it..
"just intereresting" that's all dear.....

3. Consider NOT taking his next three phone calls...but do it this way...

ring ring..
OH it's you...that's soooo funny I was expecting someone else...hey I gotta go ...we are heading out and I can't talk right now...call later...ba-BYE

if he comes for a weekend....
plant seeds of doubt....

have flowers in your home with a card that say..
it was nice talking to you...

bake cookies or brownnies when he is coming that he loves and fill the house with the smell....then say you are making them for a friend...and sure he can have one...but most are going with you out later....

la-de-DA....

The whole time be pleasant but aloof..
when he comes over look smashing..

new haircut
style highlights.

new marvelous clothes....

you work this on three different levels...

one is the one where you financially protect yourself

two is where you keep the conversation short light but very very charming and sweet...

ask questions he is not expecting....

how are you sleeping these days..
I worry about you if you aren't feeling well
I wonder if you are eating right....

with the flip side of you...

do and tell him this...

"I'm going saturday to work with habitat for humanity...
can't wait to spend some time helping people...
especially if they hand me a hammer...ha ha..."

you want to get his attention
you want to take away all aspects of you being
whiney
controling
miserable without him..

and plant deep deep seeds of reality that you will survive..

not home pining for him and asking him to movies...

infact you wanna blow his mind...tell him you are going to the movies with some new friends you have made....
and tell him NO MORE>..

ofcourse this means NO dating\
no real involvement of anyone..
but the illusion of a taste of reality....

this is NOT by the book marriage builders advice...
but in you case
no kids
hubby gone wacky...

wants to move across the ocean..problem is the thing he is running from is inside of him......
and wherever he goes there he is....

tell him he can't come next weekend either cause you are having people over.....good friends that he would enjoy to see...but dont' invite him....

ask him for a recipe though of that dip or sauce he liked...

can you grasp this plan...
can you see it....

ARKie...
wishing for and getting what you wish for are always two different things.....

Well, the initial speech is reminiscent of cheaters everywhere, but...are there any other red flags here? Where are the zillions of cell phone calls, the IM’s, the unexplained absences, etc? Have you just not mentioned them?

sandianne,

Uggh, I hate to reiturate here, but my very strong suspicion is that there is, indeed, a woman in the picture.

I went through almost the exact same thing you're describing, and it all started with those lovely words, "I don't think I want to be married anymore." From there started the roller coaster ride--he wants to move out of the state, wants to quit his job, wants to go off into the sunset, acting weird, saying the strangest things. Couldn't figure it out, then it hit:

It's an Affair, Stupid!

I'm NOT calling you stupid. I'm calling me stupid. People said it was, I denied. It's just all part of this very sick saga. You're at the starting gate.

MB is the best place for you to be, so at least you have that from the beginning. I didn't.

Do everything here everyone tells you to do.

My marriage is now on a solid road to recovery.

I am doing alot of that.
I got on match.com and he happened to call while I was looking at it. He asked what I was doing and I vaguely said the computer.

He kept asking what, so I finally told him it was match .com. He got a little annoyed. Said if I needed to do this, ok. Said be careful, those people are just desperate. Then he said he was going to do it too.

I smiled and said brightly, ok, that's great, to everything he said. Then he said, no he wasn't looking for anyone right now and he didn't really want to do it. ME thinks..HA HA HA!
So I go on about how busy I will be this weekend, with work and a barbque, and the movies, and church, and shopping, etc. Then I say-gotta go, bye!

I'm thinking as i look at the website,-wow there are some really great fish in the sea! Anyway, I do not actually pay to join, just create a profile and post a picture-but I don't tell him that!

He calls early next morning- did you finish putting in your info? Yeah, I say. Now I just wait. So we talk a litte, again I say I've got to go-running late, bye!

I have my busy day. He calls at 11:00pm. (He has been worrying about me ;-) He says he just wanted to see how my day went. It was great-windy and cold, but great. He asked if I checked the site, I said, yeah-I got 2 winks already! This is true.
Boy, he had all kinds of safety stuff to say to me. Then when I told him I was asleep and sleepy, I had to go- he wouldn't hang up, started talkeing again. Our longest conversation in a week! Finally I had to go so I could sleep.
I had a thought, buy a thong-which I would never wear, and next time he comes over, be folding my laundry and it be in there. It would drive him crazy!

Back to your advice- I get your drift and it is working, albeit, slowly.
I am joining a writer's group.
I am looking for a local church to join.
I am going out more with friends.
I am going to be seeing a Christian Marriage counselor beginning this week.
My wonderful mother has bought me 4 new shirts to wear.
I have lost 30 pounds and am in a competition at work to see who can lose the most by mid May.
My sister dyed my hair recently and trimmed it for me. (She used to be a cosmetologist.)
I got a pedicure.
I am taking myself out once a week-even if it is just the dollar movies.

I am moving on..with or without him. I'll keep you posted and please let me know any other ideas you may have to shake him up!

Stop communicating with the Ws unless it is important. You are currently filling a WS need not your H's.

L.

Orchid, can you elaborate? I am filling a wayward spouse need and not mine? What do you mean be WS and H? I thought ws meant wayward spouse and h meant husband. I have thought about just not talking to him. (But I like talking to him. and I do worry about him.-My mom says he is calling to touch base.) Won't that just make him angry? I am going to the bookstore to read Surviving an Affair. and His Needs, Her Needs. I jsut can't justify spending money right now. I am sooo broke!

MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE NO BUSINESS ON MATCH DOT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REGARDLESS of what your spouse is doing saying thinking about marriage...

it SHOULD NOT change your core beliefs about the sanctity of marital VOWS

NO MATTER the BULL SHI%% that WS speak and do...

it CAN NOT shake your core belief system...

if YOU believe that married people...when in a marriage crisis....
can and should partake of ANYTHING on match.dot anything....

then marriage BUILDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can not help you...

yes I do believe I am yelling..

but when dealing with muddled minded warped thinking adults..

changing the definition of marriage....based on feelings and whims...

it is very very very very very very very important for the NON brain muddled thinking spouse...to speak and ACT very clearly on importance and uniqueness of marriage...and never ever ever ever ever stoop to their level


PLAN A IS NEVER EVER BEEN AND NEVER EVER WILL BE SMILING AND SUPPORTING A WS ON MATCH.DOT DATING SITES.....

please please please tell me you understand this basic basic concept of marriagebuilders...

please please please tell me you understand that my advice was never ever to do a real act of YOU breaking your vows...
and going on a dating site IS breaking YOUR vows...not his YOURS!!!!!!!

that there is big big difference between illusion and reality...

AND

that never ever do BS condone such behavior from WS

BOUNDAIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!
clear
concise
concrete

I pray you take your whatever it is off a dating site...
I pray you call your WS and apologize for doing a such a thing and BEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
his forgiveness....

ARK

Orchid: You should be concentrating on your H NOT the WS. WS' do NOT want the BS interfering or reminding them they are married. WS' do NOT want t/b married.

Yet your H is in there...somewhere....


Orchid: WS does mean Wayward Spouse and H does mean Husband. Do you realize you are dealing with 2 distinct characters? Do you notice the confusion on his part and when he is nice, then cold it confuses you? Sometimes that is the 2 different personalities. Why only sometimes? Because a WS can try to manipulate the BS into helping the WS enable the A. The WS often does this by being nice to the BS, get want they want, then turn on the BS. Sick process....one full of hurt and confusion. Feels like a bad roller coaster ride that makes you want to puke.


Orchid: Go to your public library and see if you can check out those books.

L.

I am NOT going to actually date anyone. Which is why I did not pay for a membership. I just wanted to put the fear of losing me in his heart. Hey, this a woman who has never slept with anyone other than my husband. When I was a teenager and on a few dates guys would lean over to kiss me, I would just get out of the car! I could never kiss someone I did not have feelings for! My heart is with my H. to the very end. I am just willing to do whatever it takes to get him back home! This is what Homer MacDonald's ebook says to do. I am taking any and all advice right now, then I think about it and test it. But, I will not compromise my values or myself. That is the limit. Hope this clarifies things. Keep on with the advice, I am listening with my whole self.

It's not for a person who has taken vows to post anything on dating site...

It send the absolute 1000000000000000000000000000000000% message to your husband...

it condones his actions...

what will you say when he pays the money for that site or a different one...

you will have NO defense....

also it is not fair to the people who are 100% free and available on a site to be with toyed with and used to assist people in making their spouses jealous...

the message you gave your husband is your permission....

please please please change that route....

you must be the beacon of truth of the importance of your vows...

he will seek out to fill his world with people who devalue marriage allll the time...

ARK

More news...He just called on the premise of looking for something with the clippers. We talked briefly. I asked what he does at his new job. He told me. I was interested.
Then he said he is letting it all go. I asked what?

He said he is not paying any of his bills. I told him I have been paying them. He said You don't have to do that. I told him I didn't want him to ruin his credit. He started to cry and asked..What have I done? What am I doing?

I said, I don't know. What do you want? He said He doesn't know. I asked,, with great trepidation..Do you want to come back? He said no. He wants to go away...to the island, but he can't he has no money and doesn't have his passport yet.

I said, I understand. I heard the family coming in, in the background, He said he will call me tomorrow. I said, ok.

Oh God!!! I just want my husband back! What do I do now?

I am here seeking advice. I used the advice I read here when he first said he wanted to leave, but was still at home. It made him leave faster! So I looked elsewhere for advice. I found Stop Your Divorce, Divorce Busters, and other sites that say to make him realize what he is leaving, act like everything is OK, make him jealous, etc. This course of action seems to be working. So I am utilizing ALL advice, based on what I am experiencing. I am a confused soul, who longs for and misses her one and only love. When he comes back, I plan on doing my best to build our relationship, meet all of his needs, etc. But he has to be back for that to happen. My goal right now is to get him back home. I am doing the best that I can. Forgive me for offending anyone.

There are two roads to failure.

1) Take nobody's advice
2) Take everybody's advice.

These things take time.

I made the same mistake when first signing up, looking for a quick solution.

No such luck.

6 months to a year is considered a short recovery! 2 years and more isn't uncommon.

Don't throw in the towel just yet, nor panic. You have a long and HARD road ahead.

I would suggest tossing everything else out the window and focusing on the "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair".

Read 'em over and over. Get the CD ver of HNHN to play in the car as well.

That way, if your H comes back (yes I said if) you will be ready.

The only other source of power that would generally be safe to turn too at this time, without offering conflicting advice, is God.

Good old fashioned prayers. Does a body (and soul) good.

I'll say one for you now.

Update...
He called earlier, I said I was going to the movies to see Happy Feet with a friend. He assumed is was a guy. I told him it was a girlfriend from work.

Really, I had just rented it to watch at home! Anyway, he calls me tonight and askes bunches of questions, which I try to avoid. I say I don't want to alk about it, it is private. I tell him I didn't like the movie - true.

Anyway, he starts crying again. He asks what do I want from the divorce. I ask him what does he want from it? He says he donesn't know.
So I tell him...I believe in our marriage vows, and would never sleep with anyone until I was officially divorced, and since I believe in our vows, I will not file for divorce. He said he believes in the vows too.
He asked how long will I wait for him? I said, I don't know.

I told him I would prefer it if our marriage worked out, but I understand that he doesn't. So I am not going to put any pressure in any shape form or fashion on him.

I said I am taking care of me. My life is good right now. I have made changes in myself and for myself to be the person I want to be.
He starts crying and saying he likes hearing my voice. He likes calling me and talking to me. He said he is getting pressure from everyone where he is at, he has a BIG family and they are all on my side.
He says he wants me, and he wants to go to the island.
I said I understand that feeling.

He says he has a crappy job, why did he quit his good job?
I didn't say anything, I was just listening. He said more but I can't recall the specifics. I just listened alot and
told him I understand. Which I do, after reading from this site and Divorce Busters.
He said his truck is having problems, I said I am sorry about that.
I said I am sorry about him leaving, that it was all my fault. When he asked for space, I was too clingy and needy and didn't let him have it. I said I understand that now and I am sorry.
To make a long story short, he is bringing his brother and sister-in-law down here to see her parents this weekend and asked if he could sleep on the couch.
I said of course. He said he wants to take me to eat and to the movies.
He said thinking about me with other guys made him so jealous. I broke down and admitted I did not pay the fee for Match.com.
He asked, are you really moving on? I said I am trying to make a life for myself. Then I realized the cat was missing, so I said I had to go find her. He said he wished he were here to help me go out and look for her.
He said, I will let you go, I know you get up at 5:00.
So we said goodbye, he said he will call me tomorrow.

Did I screw up? Any advice on how to handle him tomorrow?
He seemed very sincere and contrite. I know he loves me still.

PS: I did find my cat 2 houses down. So don't worry.

Any and all advice is welcome!

So if you keep talking to him and filling that need, why should he come back? What part of you and your life is he really missing?

Notice how it is still about him and not about you both? WS' are quite one sided even when they are pretending to care. That's your clue.

L.

You mentioned that after following the advice here he left sooner? You realize Ws' do leave. They 1st left when the EA/PA occurred.

Get a plan for you to recover. Plan A allows you to take a good look at yourself and make the changes to make you a better person.

Now why would he want t/g to the 'island' if you are more attractive (in all aspects - emotional, mental, physical, etc.). He keeps saying he wants to go so he should go.

You are kind to pay his bills. I paid my H's bills and when my savings was eaten up and he was still a WS, I notified him and stopped paying them. Later when he finally got his act back together and our family allowed him back..... well one of the consequences was filing bankruptcy. I let him handle it. This was part of his recovery mode. Yes, our credit took a beating but that was the risk I took.

See I realized the A taught us to live without him but he really never learned to live without us until I moved forward. This meant I eventually went to plan B and yes, he thought that meant I had met other men. Stupid WS. I told him I was very capable of meeting other good people and often do so stop complaining and whining. He then mentioned I deserve someone better and I agree. See I didnt' agrue and it infuriated the WS in him but it also disarmed the WS spirit which was my goal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

sandianne..

why do you keep giving him your permission to behave like a child...

I don't understand that...

why do you do that...

I am honestly tying to understand you....

because your messages and words are so mixed they confuse me and I'm not a WS in total selfish mode....

It seems like you are readily giving up your own values and beliefs....all in the name of HIS happiness...

and you doing that is as futile as the escape path to an island.....(does he watch LOST or something)

I just can't see what your core belief base is....
cause his is very skewed..
but yours seems skewed as well....

Is it really OK with you for him to act the way he is acting..
and can you condone his actions and still stay morally and spiritually grounded....

we say that WS have confused thought process...ie fog..
but round here many BS have fogged thoughts as well

Are you willing to follow marriage building principles..

ARK