Hello
here is my story. Married for 23 yrs with 3 kids. On Jan 22 wife tells me she no longer loves me and hasnt for long time, say there nothing there for her anymore and wants to date other men.I have tried talking with her but she been very cold and says many mean things that hurt deep down.I'm 46 and she is 43 and I have been her only lover. For the last 7 yrs we have had problems because she makes comments about thinking of other men and how it would be on the other side of the fence. Couple days after she breaks the news about divorce I find out from my D19 that wife has been good friends with this guy and has been sneaking around meeting him.When I ask my wife about this other guy she says they are just friends and there has been no sex and that yes she has wanted to but didnt go though with it.The other man wife keeps calling my wife cell phone but wife will not answer.I'm getting all this information from my D19 because I'm in Iraq working for a US company.The divorce will be final sometime within the week. My wife quit talking to me right after she told me in Jan but now is emailing me everyday and we have had some good talks by emails but she is still going though with the divorce.I will be home in two weeks for vacation and have decided that if she wants me out of her life to back off and not make any contact with her and stop answering her emails.Should I stick to my plan or should I keep talking with her. she has ask me to stay at the house when I come home for vacation so I could spend more time with my kids.
I know everyone going to tell me to quit my job and go home but if the divorce goes though I will be losing everything and she has spent all the money. So I'm having to start all over again.there for a long time she would email me asking if I heard anything from my lawyer, she has stopped asking if I talked with my lawyer.

Do not fool yourself. Without going into details I went thru a similar situation. Women like her have already divorced you in every sense of the word. There is no morality and they have everything justified-just like Saddam did until the end. How it is that the women we loved so much, were inspired by for so many years, inexplicably transform into a different being is beyond humanity. God will owe us an explanation!!
Start a new life. It will be near impossible-but you have to.
Peace forever.

texhorn,

Observations and suggestions for you:

* Your wife is most likely having a PA.
* If you work overseas my guess is she has disconnected with you a long time ago. In Dr. Harley's book, he talks about spending recreation time together. Specifically, he recommends 15 hours of good, quality time. This is how I believe my XW became vulnerable to a PA. She just saw me as a paycheck.
* It's very difficult to woo a WW back in if you are separatd by such a great distance physically and if she is numb to you. This OM most likely is giving her attention and making her feel good about herself.
* Your W is not thinking logically at all. She is not thinking it is better to save and nurture what she has, but rather she thinks she is pursuing greener pastures. She's not. Unfortunatelyk, it will be a hard lesson for all involved (you, her, the kids).
* Read the following books asap. They will give you a good perspective.
His Needs / Her Needs
Surviving an Affair
The five love languages
* Talk to Dr. Harley. It's $180 per hour, but it may be worth a shot.
* The fact you are on this web site tells me you want to exhaust every possible avenue before the D goes through. I don't blame you.
* My wife's PA and D was the worst time in my life. I didn't realise it was possible to be so down and so emotionally drained. Take care of yourself, because your lows will be very low, and your highs will be false euphoria. It's tough.

Good luck, God speed and Gig'em.

HL

Your best bet is to jump over to General Questions and start posting there. Your wife is having an affair, and that is the main problem. It will be difficult to work on the marriage so far away, but can be done.

Your first course of action is to expose to the other man's wife that you suspect an affair, and you are being forced into divorce because of it. Married men seldom leave their families for an other woman. So this may help end the affair, and then you will be in a better position.

There are some posters here who remarried after divorce, so don't get too stressed about that.

Tex- I sort feel like Salam on this. This lady does not appear to be a good ally for you when you are in Iraq making a living. It sounds like you may be divorced already. It sounds like she was/is not finacially responisble. Find out how you contributed to the problem and try not repeat. Good luck in Iraq.

Salam and johoman
It's funny you say that about wife feels we are already divorced. She has said them same words many times over the last couple years and for the finacially part she loves money and sure knows how to spend it. Last time we talked on the phone I told her the money tree has been cut down and used as fire wood. she in for a real rough ride and alreay had to get money from her mom to help pay for the lawyer. Theres is a part of me that wants her to fall flat on her face and really see how hard times can be when you dont have the money coming in. She told me yesterday that she thinking about getting a new car, I thought go right ahead I'm not paying for it.

TEX, please read up on Plan B as soon as possible. I'm not sure your marriage is past repair yet. The fact taht your wife isn't talking divorce is good. Once the affair is exposed and you allow her to suffer the consequences of being apart from you financially, emotionally, etc, she may have a real awakening. If she does, then you may want to consider leaving Irq for home. LDRs are very difficult for many people. Oh, and talk to a lawyer. You may have to file for a Legal separation in order to avoid being responsible for her debts. Just because you don't sign for the car doesn't mean they can't come after you for the money.

Tex- Falling flat on one's face can be very educational unless some enabler comes and protects them. In your line of work having someone you can trust is absolutley vital. You put your life on the line in Iraq you don't need to worry about what is going on at home.

Greengables
the divorce papers are already in and we are waiting on a court date.I dont think she has told her mom and dad about the OM and the reason I say this is I received a email from her parnets saying I will always be thier son-in-law and that they will always love me. I think she was talking about getting the new car after divorce is final because in the decree she getts the current car note.And yes she going to really have a hard time financially going from 9K to 2K per month.But I dont want her to stay because of money

Tell her parents what is going on.

God Bless,

JL

[quote]Do not fool yourself. Without going into details I went thru a similar situation. Women like her have already divorced you in every sense of the word. There is no morality and they have everything justified-just like Saddam did until the end. How it is that the women we loved so much, were inspired by for so many years, inexplicably transform into a different being is beyond humanity. God will owe us an explanation!!
Start a new life. It will be near impossible-but you have to.Peace forever. Salam 1



Same here. My D was final last Thursday. Our M was 16 years and she is just as described above. Long ago divorced me, colder than the polar ice cap, no remorse of any kind, and justifies everything she says and does. And since we separated nearly a year ago she is on her second relationship. The cruelty she exhibits is beyond understanding. I long for the day when she is treated as she has treated me. I too have had some heart-to-heart dialogues with God concerning how ever could He have had her darken my doorway in the first place. No love remains only hatred. But I want this gone as well and in time hopefully it will be.

How long have you been in Iraq? Did she agree with your decision to go? How are your filling her Love Bank from that far away?

My Trip Home from Iraq

sorry for long post but I wanted to share what I just went though and maybe get some answer on why my XW done what she did.

4-27:arrived home from Iraq, went to S10 baseball game with STBXW. Stay at house but sleep in S10 room
4-28: D19 & SIL came down from Ft Hood, whole family spent the day together, sleep in S10 room: STBXW and I are talking and enjoy each others company but nothing is said about our D or why she seeking it.
4-29:Every stange day starts out by STBXW giving me a hug and kiss frist thing that morning,and many times durning the day. at end of day I'm in shower and STBXW comes in with me, we end up ML and she tells me I dont have to sleep in S10 room. This was the best night we have had in 5 years and she tells me the next morning how great our time together was lastnight.

4-30:STBXW calls from her work to ask if I talked with Lawyer, Lawyer calls few minutes later to tell me to meet him next day at court house. Call SBXW to give her the news on what Lawyer told me, all she says is ok sounds good and tells me she is taking off of work next day. Sleep with STBXW and ML again.

5-1: STBXW says for me to call her when I'm done with Lawyer. Meet lawyer at his office and then we go to court house. Divorce is final at 9:15am May 1 2007. XW meets me for lunch and then we go to her house (now)we ML and again later that night.

5-2: Start packing my things and when XW gets home from work she ask why I took her pictures of me, she wants them back and puts them back up on the wall with other family pictures. I ask for her wedding ring to keep and maybe someday give to grand kids, she says no that she alreay put it away and says she might have me put it on her finger agian someday. I notice change in XW towards me, she starting to like cold, rude. XW come home from work and I ask to talk with her, she says we have nothing to talk about. We sleep together but no sex.

5-3: I spend the day moving my things to my moms, XW calls to ask me to come by her work because we won a TV in a drawing. When I arrive she ask what I have been doing all day and when I tell her I was moving she says I dont have to move my things if I dont want to.I said I already have moved. XW comes home from work and I ask to talk with her again, so we talk and I ask for the truth,she just says we have grown apart and there is nothing there for her anymore, I ask about OM and she says yes she is seeing someone who is married but they havent had sex but she did kiss him and things got heated so she stoped it because she couldnt do it until she was divorced. I asked her if he was leaving his W for her and she said they havent talked about that yet and she did say he didnt want to hurt his two little girls.( I didnt think of it at the time but what about my 3 kids that just got hurt)I asked why we had such a great time together Sunday and Monday and she didnt know but she liked it also and it was great. We ML later that night.

5-4:family went out to eat and to movies, sleep with her but she said she could ML because she didnt feel it was right anymore.

5-5: I got up early and packed what I had left and waited until she got up so she could see me walk out the door and I left to stay at my moms house until I left for Iraq.Before I left I asked her for one last hug because there could be a chance I never get to touch her again and she said maybe not so we hug and told her ILY and thanks for the 23 years and 3 great kids. She said she knew I Love her

I sorry for such a long post but I miss my XW so much and cant keep my thought from her. It's been two weeks since I talked with her and I know she my XW and it was her choice what she did to me and my kids but I love her with all my heart and always have for 23 years. Everyone says I should just step back and give her time she might see that it's not always greener on the other side. I have had a hard time since getting back to Iraq and cant keep my mind off of her and I want to call her so bad but decided not to call and wait for her to make that move if she wants too. I know I cant set here and wait for that to happen and I need to start getting my life in order but it's so hard due to us not having much of a life over her and with all the free time ones mind gets to think of what went wrong and will I ever get another chance. I have made some goals for me and the biggest one is too finsh the year out here in Iraq and then go home to start a life with my kids and to enjoy life as a single father and to help my D19 because she having a hard time with her marriage in it's frist year and her husband being in the Military. I want to enjoy my S10 early years because I have been gone most of his life.

Jay

((Tex))

I am so sorry you are in Iraq fighting for our country, and dealing with this [email]s@$t.[/email] My D was final 2 days after what would have been my 23rd anniversary and my DD21 got married during this mess.

Please try to focus on your wonderful kids.Don't think about what went wrong. With a WS, there is no telling what kind of malfunction has occurred in their brains.

You will get through this.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

God bless you for your service to our country.