I'm in a funk again. Trying to figure it out. Why do I keep getting nostalgic?

I was thinking about past Easters, with the family all together. My ex and I would go to church and then go to Easter Brunch at the Officers Club with the kids.

It was always fun and always a pig out session.

It's been very hard for me to understand how and why she didn't value the good things in our marriage more and has focused so much on my faults.

I have accepted that I don't get to see the kids as often as I would like and that that will get better with time, but it is a really tough thing to accept. I'd still rather have the family around and the kids sleeping down the hall.

I sent my ex a positive e-mail. I told her that I hoped she had a good weekend with the kids and that I was willing to help her on certain things if she wished (shortening her commute, finding a sitter for when the kids were sick)

I told her I missed her as a friend and that I've been trying to keep things more positive between us lately by not arguing over little things.

I don't know if any of it will penetrate that fog, but it's a gesture.

I do miss her as a friend. She was my best friend for 7 years. I just have a hard time understanding how she could go from loving me one day to hating me the next.

I've done some things to really help make an impact on myself personally. I am now going to the gym almost daily and want to get back to how I looked when I was 25. That's my goal and I'm really shooting for it with a plan.

It's a process of healing I guess and there will be regressions. My funk has lasted a few weeks now, though.

But it is almost a peaceful kind of funk. I'm not constantly fighting with the ex over little things any more and we're settling into a routine. It's more like an acceptance of the sad reality and trying to make the best of it, despite not liking it's taste. Does this make any sense at all?

Am I wrong to send her positive messages once in a while?

For example, I had to get a sitter to watch the kids while they were sick during the week. She had concerns about this and called to pass on things I should make sure to tell the sitter. I listened and noted it.

I could have argued with her by saying something along the lines of, "I don't need your inputs and I can handle this" but chose not to. I listened and didn't say much and tried to not be defensive. I could understand her concern over it. I just wish she had a little more faith that I will handle things well. She threatened me in the end of the conversation by saying that she would go after me with everything she had if anything happened to the kids. I chose not to argue with her, which I've been doing a lot lately. I attribute a comment like that to anxiety.

I texted her later and told her that her inputs were welcome and respected and that the kids would be fine. I then wished her a fine day.

Is this how ex's start laying down the arms and start becoming friends or at least friendly? Does it happen when one side decides to no longer argue and to try to make the best of the interactions?

I'm just wondering what others have experienced with this.

She's not in an A and we've been divorced for one year now. She's had a steady BF for about 9 months, but she says it isn't serious and she doesn't bring the kids around him. She told me once that she didn't really see herself ending up with this guy, but I may have mis-interpreted what she was saying.

I personally feel I'm close to being open to dating again, but not quite there. I still want to give myself a little more time to heal and put this year behind me.

I read so many stories here of people who have ex's and WW return and it throws them for a loop after they have worked so hard to heal. It makes me see that I am probably not as far along as I think, sometimes, and the anniversary of our D helps to illustrate that.

The other day there was a fatal accident on the highway she normally takes to work. I had the urge to call her to see if she was ok. I didn't because I don't want to be annoying, but that urge was still there. It shows I still care.

I guess that's what time has allowed me to do. It has given me perspective to exercise restraint. A year ago I would have made that call and probably just gotten an annoyed voice on the other end saying, "what do you want now?"

I noticed that I was so used to sharing things in my life with her once and now I don't really share much of anything. It doesn't even cross my mind to share some things, which is a major leap from a year ago.

Any thoughts? Just a normal part of the process? Those further along in the healing as BSs that divorced, please let me know if anything I've said here sounds familiar.

i wish i could say i feel the same way that you do but i do not. my ex and i never were "friends" so we did not share a whole lot. i will be honest and say, it will be 2 years this july since he moved out and i DO NOT MISS HIM AT ALL.

i am actually working on still being in anger mode. that is what i am trying to let go of. i still find myself extremely angry at times at how he acts or how ow acts or things that were said 2 years ago!

so i really cannot relate to that feeling at all. there was so much animosity in my marriage that i was more than ready to move on when it ended.

mlhb

I'm past the anger. I didn't have a long term affair to get over. It was a series of dates that didn't lead to any relationships. The ocurred while I was gone. One of them got physical.

I say I'm past the anger because I choose not to argue with her and it feels good not to argue. It's an acceptance that no matter how much I cry or express my hurt or rant and rave she will never get it. At least not from me. She may one day understand if she's ever in my shoes or if she can get past her own anger. Until then, she'll probably still say I'm crazy, that she doesn't know who I am, etc. etc.

There's no acknowledgement on her part on the incredible amount of pain she inflicted on me, but I have finally accepted that she won't see it and may never see it.

I guess that the acceptance of that fact alone has led me to a sort of calm inside. It's a sad calm. One that I guess simply comes from a sad acceptance of the way things are.

There was a hope for a long time that she might apologize or come back.

I still feel she thinks the grass is greener on the other side or with someone else. It just may be greener for her. I just thought it was pretty decent grass on our end and have never really understood the need to go searching elsewhere.

I am happy to walk away with the positive memories that we had, but it is hard to think of those things and understand why she feels they weren't good enough memories and to save things.

I have pictures come up on my computer all the time of our time in England. We had really great memories there with many good friends. We had our trials as well, but I thought those things strengthened us, not weakened us.

The best guess I can come up with is that she needs this for her own personal happiness. I think she wants to prove to herself she can make it on her own and needs this period of time for personal growth.

I never felt this personal growth had to come at the expense of our marriage, but that's how she feels. She was young when we married and went straight from her parents to being with me. We had a very active few years afterwards.

She got pregnant two weeks after we were married. I got stationed overseas and we had to move to England. There was the Iraqi Freedom kickoff followed by her getting pregnant with twins, followed by some medical problems, followed by some turbulence with my leadership and all the stress of living so far away from family.

I really thought returning to the States would mark a new chapter in our marriage and the beginning of great years to come. I was obviously wrong.

She's on her own personal journey now and I have gotten to the point where I have accepted she's gone and not coming back and I need to move on myself and start my own direction. It's been a tough point to get to and I just wanted the thoughts and feelings of others that have been on this journey from a BS perspective and where they are now.

Do my feelings, thoughts and words sound familiar?

I think so. I cannot heal in anger, so for me when I left my DD's dad I needed to find positive things about it, even though it really wasn't positive to have our daughter raised in separate homes.

He was the love of my life but I forced myself to stop loving him because of his cheating.

It was also very important to me that my DD have a happy mom so I worked very hard on healing and becomming happy.

It took me probably two years at least to get over him and another couple of years before I would date because of a few different reasons but mostly I needed to be alone for awhile because I didn't want anymore failed relationships. (didn't work for me still ended up in another one, but I became very happy)

It takes time mustangdriver, probably a couple of times through all of the seasons. It takes replacing those old memories with new ones. And it probably will take falling in love again to truly get over it.

You have a desire to be happy, and to heal, so I have no doubt that joy will find you again soon. Just allow yourself to feel down and to heal so the next lady who is lucky enough to win your heart does not pay for unresolved past issues you haven't dealt with. Know what I mean?