Greetings all,

I have a friend in need, her family could use your input as well. I've given them all the advice, thoughts and prayers I can - I'm requesting your thoughts on this very real situation. It's my hope that my friend or her family will participate here in this forum, they have expressed some interest in doing so.

Here's the story:
BW is 29 yrs old, WH is 32, and they have been married for 10 years. They have two children, one is 4 yrs old, the other is 6 yrs old.

Recently, WH was captured by a police sting operation instant messenging online with a "female" who communicated she was 14 yrs old. After the undercover officer identified as being underage, WH continued to interact. WH even sent naked photographs of himself to the undercover cop. WH then drove out to meet the undercover cop, changed his mind and went back to his car when he was already in the parking lot of the apartment complex of the "OP", and then was arrested.

BW - Is standing by her WH. She is described as "in total denial" by her family members around her. She hasn't addressed the secondary(?) issue that I brought up that WH has betrayed her, even if the undercover cop had announced the age as 28, not 14. BW is very defensive of her BH and the situation, and family members are concerned that when she crashes she will crash hard. BW believes this will all be cleared up, and that her WH was entrapped. WH has admitted that he did indeed do the described deeds. WH believes that he is a changed man, that BW should forgive him and the family should stay intact. WH has threatened suicide on numerous occasions as well.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated,

If the BW came here and posted, what would your initial thoughts or questions be?

Do any of you have experience or recollections of what impact this will have on the family? I believe that the BH is prohibited from being around any child, including his own, under the age of 18.

We may encourage BW to come here to help with her personal recovery, she is (obviously) emotionally raw right now -

I've shared my thoughts with the family in question, I could use yours. They may hear some things I have said, as well as some new thoughts.

Thanks for anything you can share on the topic,

OUCH! Here is a sitch where both the BS and the WS will have to come to terms with the LEGAL ramifications borne of the WS's choices.

The best information you could give them would be to find a great lawyer, and become intimately familiar with the laws in their state.

In that this is a legal matter, I would be reluctant to advise to the WS, other than what I said above. The BS may be best served by professionals who can convince her that she has indeed, been betrayed. In addition, it should be made real clear to her that her children ARE most likely in danger.

The laws regarding sexual preditors are under scrutinization and stiffening in many states. He will most likely end up a registered sexual preditor and be given stipulations as to where he can live and how much contact he can have with minors, as you mentioned.

Personally, and no offense to you Jayban, I feel sexual preditors should be imprisoned for life with no chance at parole, or worse. But that's just MHO.

The BS is so much more a victim here than in your "garden variety" infidelity.

I am sorry for your BS friend.

SD

No offense taken SD, I'm looking for advice for the BS in particular. I personally agree with you wholeheartedly on the "lock em' up and throw away the key" for sexual predators.

I'm really interested in bringing some objective views for BS to read - she is...FOGGY...she needs some bright lights to cut through that fog...some 2x4s too.

Jay,

You can have her post here, but she is in the fog as well. It might be better to get some of her family members in here to help her. I would say that IF she decides to take her WH back, she should develop a list of conditions that HE must abide by if he does not want to lose his family. I'm strictly speaking from the marriage. The legal ramifications of what he did are a separate issue. She can come here to help decide what those conditions should be. I would say for one:

1) He should have restricted access to the internet, or no internet access at all.

2) He should enter IC as well as MC.

3) He should not be left unsupervised with any children, his own, friends of his children, nieces, nephews, etc.

4) He needs to be completely open and honest, account for his time, etc.

While I do believe in forgiveness, this is a much more serious crime that JUST adultery, and he should be handled much more cautiously. I would have her family watch out for her and keep a close eye on her until she emerges from the fog. This is not a situation to forgive, forget, and move on. This situation must be addressed appropriately.