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Hello Here is my story. Married for 23 yrs with 3 kids. On Jan 22 wife tells me she no longer loves me and hasnt for long time, say there nothing there for her anymore and wants to date other men.I have tried talking with her but she been very cold and says many mean things that hurt deep down.I'm 46 and she is 43 and I have been her only lover. For the last 7 yrs we have had problems because she makes comments about thinking of other men and how it would be on the other side of the fence. Couple days after she breaks the news about divorce I find out from my D19 that wife has been good friends with this guy and has been sneaking around meeting him.When I ask my wife about this other guy she says they are just friends and there has been no sex and that yes she has wanted to but didnt go though with it.The other man wife keeps calling my wife cell phone but wife will not answer.I'm getting all this information from my D19 because I'm in Iraq working for a US company.The divorce will be final sometime within the month. wife has told me a couple times since she broke the news that she isnt ruling out we will never get back together, is like she wants the best of both lives and cant make up her mind.D19 says wife has broke it off with other guy and I have notice some change in wife the last couple weeks. Their is a part me that wants to hate her and then their is a part of me that wants to keep that hope alive.I will be home in two weeks for a vacation and my wife has asked if I would stay at our old home with her and the kids. She says that I could spend more time with my kids if I was to stay there. She acts like this D is no big dill and she asked that we remain good friends.Now do you remain good friends with someone who just took everything you worked so hard for and throws it down the drain. I love her very much and have always showed her the love, did I make mistakes yes I did and I working on becoming a better persons. I have stopped calling her and only talk to her by email.
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For now you Plan A. I know you're half a world away, but read up on Plan A. And once you come home, STAY home. Your job isn't worth losing your marriage over, and you can defend your marriage better here than overseas. Sorry, it sux, but good thing you found this place. Read everything you can on this site.
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Bellevue I hear what you are saying. Wife has made comments over the yrs that we already are divorced just not on paper.There is a part of me that says let her go see how it is and if she does come back she will know and if she doesnt come back thats a chance I will have to live with.
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Your W needs to get some serious counseling because she has allowed herself to become selfish and that has turned into hurting you. Next it w/b the hurting the children. Don't discount that.
The A is a selfish virus of which the WS IS responsible for their actions and consequences.
L.
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TH,
I'm responding to your title on your thread...I believe you feel like 23 years up in smoke...it isn't. Just as your WW believes she's single when she's not.
You have children, history and a real marriage. Worth fighting for. Plan A includes expose, getting your priorities straight and living in truth...and bringing it.
Worth doing so you can know you did all within your control (yourself) to save a real marriage...not smoke...and to live in reality. Each time your WW told you over the last seven years of her thoughts...how did you respond?
This isn't all her and it's not all you...her choice to have affairs (and yes, in her head, her wayward mindset, she was having them before she acted) is totally hers. What you do now is totally your choice.
Have you been served with divorce papers? Or is this more talk, more fantasy? Choose to stay in your own home, work on your half of the marriage and stand firm. You don't have the power to let her go...she chooses and always has, her stuff. Change your perspective to reflect reality. Every day for 23 years she chose to be married to you. That's hers.
You chose, as well.
That's real and true. Do not get sucked into her fog, 'k? She's experiencing life through fantasy...entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Know this so you don't act from those in yourself or in her.
Your whole post focused on her...not you. She was the dominant pronoun. Choose "I"...make it into "I" statements and keep your focus where you have power...in yourself. This is really common--not me bashing you. We lose our focus into our partners...and in crisis, do well to bring it back to where we have control. Ourselves. That's reality for all humans. We only control our stuff.
And our choices matter as much as our spouses' do. We are equally powerful and limited. Knowing this reality and bringing it helped tremendously in recovering my marriage.
You can do this. You aren't alone and nothing has been burned up...you may experience it as if it has because that's your belief right now. I'm asking you to change your belief and the feelings will follow.
Read all you can on Plan A and Plan B. They work, if you work them.
Welcome.
LA
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Thanks for the feedback
Orchid You are right she needs some help and I think she is confused right now. She is also being very selfish as you said, she acts like the 23yrs has been he11 for her. She sent me a email that said she knows this hurts me but she only wants to be happy and being married to me is not making her happy and there is nothing there for her anymore. We only had one good talk since she broke the news to me on Jan22 and I did all the talking. I have always tried my best to provide my family with a good life and it’s always made me proud to see my kids happy and to see them have a better life than I did as a child. My two daughters have giving there mom a lot of problems over the years and I even heard my wife tell her daughters she wishes she never had any children. I heard my wife tell my daughters to not screw up like there mom did and only date one guy. I meet my wife when she was in 9th grade and all though her high school days and then we got married 4 months after she finished high school. My wife in all our years of our marriage has always tried to have friends a lot younger that her and has always tried to act like she was still 21 and she would get mad when I tried to talk with her about this. My wife doesn’t like to talk about issues; she would keep every thing inside and not talk to me. I feel her seeking divorce to make up for the past because she didn’t have any single life when she got out of high school. My mom says that maybe she starting to realize she will be 45 in couple years and this is her last chance of seeing the other side of the fence.
LW I used that title because that’s now my wife is acting, it like just throw everything away so she can have a better life than the one she has. I have always loved her with all my heart and would go to the moon for her. I forgot to write in my first post that back in 2001 she wanted a divorce but we worked it out so I thought; now she says that she never was happy and was just going though life and keep telling her self that things will get better once the kids are gone. I fought for her then and it worked out for a couple years but here in the last two years I could tell something was wrong, but every time I tried to talk with her she would just says everything is fine and for me to not worry that she wasn’t going anywhere. The decree for divorce has been served to both parties and she already agreed to the terms, we are waiting on a court date right now, which could come any day now. I thought my wife was having some doubt but then on Friday she sends me an email that she wrote to the lawyer asking what the hold up was, it’s like she in a hurry to get it done. I will be home in 12 days and this will be the first time I see her since she drop the bomb. There is a part of me that wants to be nice and be her friend in hope that one day she will want to come back and then there is a part of me that hates her for what she is doing. I want to stay at the house but don’t know if I can put my heart though that. I have been think really hard on that and trying to be strong and show her that I still love her very much. She has said she wanted me to stay there so I could spend more time with the kids, but is that the only reason?
Sorry for not getting back sooner but due to 9 hrs difference in time scone and thanks for the advice
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1 year = 365 days
Approximately how many days have you & wife physically been together in the last 365 days?
How many months have you been separated in the past 2 years?
Just thinking about strategy..... need data.
Pep
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She has said she wanted me to stay there so I could spend more time with the kids, but is that the only reason? No matter what HER reasons are ... you plan a strategy ... You need to be IN YOUR HOME looking good smelling good smiling humming/singing/whistling helpful kind attentive listen laugh and ... make certain you remain a little mysterious ... do NOT lay every thought/emotion/fear in front of her do NOT cry/whine/pout/yell/argue/talk too much/give the silent treatment/give dirty looks/threaten/roll your eyes/point fingers/complain/ask "WHY?" this is a reconnaissance missionbefore you engage in battle you inspect the terrain you gather data you determine the weakness/strength of the opposing party and you do not give yourself away by talking too much Can you be strong enough to do this? Take control of yourself? Pep
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/15/07 10:15 AM.
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nvm! I just read that he will be home in 12 days.
Pep is right. You need a plan and a strategy.
Last edited by BrambleRose; 04/15/07 11:31 AM.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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TH,
No worries on time responses...worth waiting for is in my creed.
"I used that title because that’s now my wife is acting"
I understand. I remember. I did this. It's a signal, TH...that you take her stuff as definitive...and it's really her stuff. Know that taking on her beliefs as your own right now is toxic for your marriage. She's in a wayward state of mind...you want to see those things in yourself and not make them your reality. Healthy choices.
"I have always loved her with all my heart and would go to the moon for her. I forgot to write in my first post that back in 2001 she wanted a divorce but we worked it out so I thought;"
Pardon me and my penchant for sensitivity to words. Past tense...worked on it. At that time, did you learn that marriage is a dynamic? In flux? Not a solid which once formed and molded stays that way? No mocking here...look back at what issues there were, what in you changed, and see if that new perspective you had slipped away?
"now she says that she never was happy and was just going though life and keep telling her self that things will get better once the kids are gone."
That's her truth not the truth. Want to be clear that in a wayward state of mind, rewriting history is natural...comes from choosing our actions from our inner child, not our adult selves...includes signal words like never, ever, forever, always, everything.
"I fought for her then and it worked out for a couple years but here in the last two years I could tell something was wrong, but every time I tried to talk with her she would just says everything is fine and for me to not worry that she wasn’t going anywhere."
I hear you detected old stuff and asked...and then you accepted her answer. Sounds respectful to me...I wonder why it didn't bring you to here, to MB, to books and other stuff, though...because you knew something wasn't healthy...this isn't me blaming you...it's me asking you to get to your whole truth...it's as valid as hers is...where you base your actions on hers...when they are your own.
"The decree for divorce has been served to both parties and she already agreed to the terms, we are waiting on a court date right now, which could come any day now. I thought my wife was having some doubt but then on Friday she sends me an email that she wrote to the lawyer asking what the hold up was, it’s like she in a hurry to get it done. I will be home in 12 days and this will be the first time I see her since she drop the bomb."
You don't know if she's in the hurry to get it done mode or not, and if she is, why...assumptions kick our own butts...stab us extra and we are doing it. Stop doing it. Whatever her rush is about her...not in your control. What is possible is for you to ask your lawyer to delay, delay, delay as much as possible.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
"There is a part of me that wants to be nice and be her friend in hope that one day she will want to come back and then there is a part of me that hates her for what she is doing."
Thank you for sharing your stuff honestly.
"I want to stay at the house but don’t know if I can put my heart though that. I have been think really hard on that and trying to be strong and show her that I still love her very much."
When you are split in two halves, look for the split belief behind it. You have total control over your own choices. You have NO control over others or outcome. Usually, I would feel that split when I was making my choices dependent on possible response, outcome. Getting yourself to align to what is real...only you control your stuff...your feelings are to you, about you, from your own beliefs (and where your focus is), then you are no longer split. You make your choice from your intent--to save your marriage, not to dodge feelings you may or may not have, which are temporary information signals.
"She has said she wanted me to stay there so I could spend more time with the kids, but is that the only reason?"
You can't know...don't base your choice on what you can't know...base it on what YOU want...how you align yourself to your plan...if it is to save your marriage, live from truth and bring it...then you don't focus on what her motives are...you focus on yours.
All this is for clarity...no one saved their marriage when their focus was all over what they had no control of. And many, many people have saved their marriage. Clarity has no hurt, pain or anger...getting to the truth, separate from our truth, is an act of love you are more than worthy of.
Do it.
I look forward to reading your answers to others' posts...I very much want to know how often you travelled for or lived away from for work in your marriage.
You can do this. You can unsplit yourself, choose your goal and live to your Plan. You will not be wrong, bad or a monster for doing so...or not doing so. You'll be TH...who you really are. You're not dealing with your W right now...you're dealing with an alien abduction of her...and yes, they will bear a striking resemblance. Know the difference.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LA
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Hi, Tex.
Is there a reason you can't push the court date out on the divorce?
No reason to go down without a fight unless you don't want to.
Just so you have an inkling of the truth, it is highly likely that your wife did have sex with her "friend". You sound like a guy that wants to face things head on.
Do you want to save your marriage? Are you willing to change your job in order to be at home more?
As the other posters have told you, a plan is imperative if you are to have a chance at succeeding.
God bless, Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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1year=365days We were physically together 35days(I can only be in the states 35day out of 365)
No matter what HER reasons are ... you plan a strategy...
TEXHORNS strategy so far
1. stay in house with her and kids
2. be happy when she is around and do things with kids, my son has 3 baseball games while I’m home. Spend time with 16yr daughter/ she needs a good talking to about getting a life, 19yr daughter and SIL will only be home for first two days so spend time with them(SIL just joined the Military in Oct and they were married in Dec). first full day at home whole family is going to major league baseball game and out to eat before going to ball park (wife has sent me email saying she looking forward to our family outing to ball park)
3. have dinner cooked when she gets home from work, let her relax. Ask her out to dinner one night after she gets home from work
4. no talk about divorce and what went wrong, no talk about OM. No talk about the past. Question: If she ask about my future plans should I let her know that I have made some goals
5. wife has already said she needed some honey do jobs done around the house.
6. show her that I’m feeling great, and life is good (been working out every night at the gym and lost 37lbs so far and this has changed my outlook on life: wife has complained about my health for years) she also has joined a gym and if I get invited go with her: she knows I have been going to gym but doesn’t know how much weight I have lost and was happy about me doing something about my health
7. if she invites me to lunch on her work lunch break tell her I will pick her up at work location
8. she will have 1 day off from work during the week due to her work schedule, if I get invited to spend the day with her plan something fun to do and not just sit around the house, maybe a mid day movie and nice lunch together somewhere different from our past lunch dates
9. no crying, whine, be strong and cheerful and no talk of divorce
10. go see old friends, (she has always said I didn’t have any friends and the ones I do have I don’t go visit that much when I’m home)
11. dress nice every day
Question 1: if there is a chance to have sex,
Question 2: and this is my gut feeling after being married to her for 23yrs. I know that with me working overseas there have been many lonely nights for her and there hasn’t been a husband there for support with the kids and to help her with the everyday chores of raising 3 kids and my 2 daughter have given her a lot of problems. Could it be possible that she was involved with this OM and it lead to a PA and it’s ended but her guilt and pride has begin to work on her that she sees the only way out is to seek divorce? My wife is very well liked on both sides of the family and she knows that if the truth was to come out it would not only hurt her mother/dad but would hurt many other people within the family. For 19yrs my wife has been 100% devoted to her kids and she has gone the extra mile to make sure the kids had a great life and now it time for her to enjoy life a little. My wife works with two other ladies that are divorce and my wife best friend has been divorce for 3 years now.
There has been no NC by phone in two weeks, she still emails every day during the week and some of her emails have been very good talk. Most of the emails have been about the kids and her weekends/my job and how I was doing. Should I keep the NC by phone and just talk to her by email? she hasn’t asked why I don’t call, we use to talk every day on the phone,
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Let her catch you looking at her ... then when she sees your desire ... say
"You are so lovely my eyes hurt from looking, but my heart cannot look away."
(say lovely not beautiful because lovely is unexpected)
Take off your shirt after you have done something sweaty ... wipe yourself off with your shirt. Then give a goofy grin, say "I'm all shiney."
Ask her to pray with you. Hold hands, and you lead in prayer.
helpful or not?
Pep
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If there is a sexy opportunity
take it
but do not call it sex in front of her
instead:
make love to you pleasure you taste your loveliness be inside of your loveliness
stuff like that
Pep
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I think you should quit your job...
and MAN_UP for the kids and seek full custody
I can not IMAGINE handing my children over to an adult wanting to act like a child....and start parading STRANGE men in to their lives...
because she can and wants to......
I am very very very serious about this....
her path is a path of chaos and destruction and you MUST be there to protect the children....
quit your job TODAY...
otherwise you will be on the other side of the world ...as your teenage daughters are exposed to strange men...replacing their dad....all in the name of mom being happy...
they will be at great risk for poor marriages...abusive relationships....divorces and even higher risk for abuse from the men she brings in....
MANUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
start a post asking help from the others here that have gone the long hard row to protect their children from INSANE women....
this is totally seperate from fighting for your marriage..
ARK
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received emails from STBXW yesterday
1st email from STBXW yesterday: Quote Well, haven't talked with you in a while. I know you call the kids but we haven't talked. Hope is all well and I know you are looking forward to coming home in 11 days. We are all excited about going to the baseball game. It will be fun. (whole family is going to major league baseball game Sat)
My reply to her I said I dont mean to show any disrespect but you wanted me out of your life and you have to understand how it feels to lose someone you love very much and to lose my home and to know my family will never be complete again
she quoted back with this statement
I know it is hard, but I just want us to keep in contact. We have to for the kids and I want to know you are doing good. I know it is hard, but time will only be better for us both.
then she emails saying she put her BMW in the shop and they wanted $1700 to fix it and she told BMW to only fix the power window that she would have to wait in the rest.
Should I maybe give her a call to test the water or wait for her to call
TEXHORNS
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is your plan to turn your young impressionable daughters over to her and her boyfriends...
does that sound logical to you
does it make sense for a person acting irresponsible and flakey and selfish to be the one in charge of three girls...
is that logical
ARK
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