so it's been almost a months since I really lost it with fwh and lb's like crazy. Since then I've been more upbeat and even starting to enjoy my life a little. (AD starting to kick in I think) About a week after my meltdown, h and I went out for about an hour and had drinks/appetizers. Baby cried most of the time but we still enjoyed ourselves. There has been almost no time spent together since. 5 minutes here and there when dropping off baby. No affection (my top EN) and no SF (my #2 EN) He has gone out with the guys 4 or 5 times drinking but nothing with me. Our phone conversations have been basically upbeat. Then a few days ago, I asked if maybe we could plan some time together and he said maybe two weekends from now. When I responded that I would really like it if we could do something sooner, he got mad, saying he was so busy working and I should understand that. (although with all his overtime, he still hasn't paid me even half the child support he owes) But I can't ask about the child support either or I get yelled at about how I should get a better paying job so he wouldn't have to pay so much or quit my college classes so I could work full time. (I work part time and go to school part time) I just get nothing back in this relationship!!

I know that is typical in plan a. I feel like this has been my timeline even though I didn't know about MB, what I did was vaguely similiar. After D day, I freaked for about a month, then settled into plan a for 3 months. Then came Dday #2, which is when he moved out. Nc between us for 3 months then reconciliation and back to plan a for 4 months. Dday #3, war for a month, now back to plan a for a month. So about a year total. He says he loves me and wants to stay married but there is NO effort put into our marriage whatsoever. He treats me like trash who is an annoyance more than anything else. I'm not allowed to have opinions, ideas, feelings or needs. Is it time for plan B? I'm so emotionally exhausted and lonely and sad and I could go on and on.

I ran across this advice on another thread:



Plan A...it's 3 parts.

Part one- Start meeting her EN's. Did you do a EQ? Identify what her needs are? (I did the EN for him and asked him to complete one.. his answers were all that he didn't need or4 want any of that from me right now) Start actively working to meet them in whatever ways you can? Start showing her what she stands to lose? Think back to what you did to court her in the first place, and started doing some of that again? Identified the things in your marriage that made her unhappy, and worked to change those things now? (So I've had to guess what his top EN's are.. SF - he wants nothing to do with me, Admiration - I've tried but there really is not much admirable about his actions right now except that he's a hard worker and a good father, and I compliment him on those all the time, also how good looking and in shape he is; Activity partner - I attend his baseball games with our son but it's not really something we do together, he prefers his guy friends for activity partners)

Part two- Make positive changes in YOURSELF. What have you done to improve yourself during this time? Make yourself less needy? Start going to the gym, working out, wearing nicer clothes, etc...? Thought about what makes you a good person to be around, and making that even better? (I've started taking night classes to become a nurse so I won't have to be a waitress my whole life. I get straight A's in school in spite of all this crap going on. I've started back to the gym and so far lost about 10 lbs and am starting to get hit on by the college guys so I think I must look ok. Got a new haircut and a few new clothes in smaller sizes)

Part three- The stick. Exposed to all parties involved. Asked for their assistance in getting your wife to end her affair. Made it clear that you love her, want to fix the marriage...and that choosing to walk away is HER choice, and not one that you've wanted at all? (I've exposed to everyone and I mean everyone. Most recent OT is in danger of losing her license to practice.. she was his "counselor") (I've said all these things and he just keeps pushing me away, being cold and cruel. It's only when I've finally had it and say we're done - 2 times now - that he comes begging back, vowing love and committment)

There's nothing about being a doormat in any of this. In fact...being a doormat is a surefire way to LOSE the battle. Make it clear that you're not willing to accept her continued choice to be with OM...and work to make that choice of hers as uncomfortable as possible! (as far as my spying can tell, he hasn't broken NC, however his coldness tells me that maybe he has and that's why there remaings no effort on his part)

What do you all think? I'm so very, very, sad today. The latest yelling to just leave him the h**l alone, just because I said I'd like to plan some time together is just killing me inside. Everyone at school and work thinks I'm so strong and "together" but I'm not. I'm just getting really good at faking it. This is the real me. The crying sobbing mess that can't seem to get out of bed all weekend. The huge open wound that doesn't ever seem to get any better. It's like it does heal over and scab a little, then he comes begging for a second chance and I let him in my heart a little then he just rips it out again, tearing the bleeding, festering wound right back open again. Almost as if every action of his is calculated to do just that.. keep me from healing. To continue hurting me, as if he gets pleasure from it. Does anyone else ever feel like this???!!!

Please tell us about your personal and M boundaries. What they are and how you have implemented them or plan to implement them.

L.

Forever ~ sounds to me like you do not have a FWH, you have a WH.

Yes, BR.. I reluctantly agree. I think that he's just become very good at hiding it. As far as my personal boundaries, I'm working on being more independent which is very challenging after being married for so many years and a stay at home mom. I'm trying to be more stable emotionally, which again is a battle due to clinical post-partum depression. My goal is to hold my self to certain standards of acting, meaning self-controlled and retaining my dignity, no matter what emotional state I'm in. I've done better since I started the AD.

Boundaries for the marriage: everytime I've taken him back, it's been with the condition that we go to MC. We've started and stopped 4 times, with him always finding some excuse not to continue. This time seems different, he likes the counselor and always makes sessions a priority. I've also had the condition of NC, which has been broken all 4 times.. so far this times it seems like he's staying away from her. I've also insisted on meeting some of each other's EA, my main 2 being affection and SF. This is where he won't budge. Refuses to do either until our marriage is in better shape. (as in why would I want to hug you when we practically hate each other?) I'm hoping the counselor can reason with him that our marriage will never get better if we don't start with some positive action at some point!!!

I've been reading more about plan b and am thinking that is where I need to be. I haven't given plan a justice but then I just found all this stuff recently. So maybe if I can muster the strength for one last all out plan a, for maybe a month, then if no changes, then plan b? What do you all think? The idea of a time limit with a makes it seem more doable. Please let me know what you think..

Before you think about Plan B, get your finances in order. You need to get an order for child and spousal support from your attorney. I think that will also help your marriage. Your husband needs to pay child support regularly.

I'm working on the court order. I think it would help the marriage too.. to not have to rehash it every two weeks like we have been doing.

H surprised me by calling this morning and inviting me to come to his baseball game. Not really quality time together cuz he's playing and I'm just sitting with baby watching, but he said he wanted me there. I guess that's something.. like he's reaching out to me after the fighting yesterday.

We have MC tomorrow. I've read Harley articles about getting a good counselor. So I'm going to insist we start coming up with a plan instead of just using the sessions as a chance to slan each other. (H starts and then I somehow get sucked in then it's just a free for all) Any ideas of other things/directions to go with counselor tomorrow?

Update.. the baseball game got cancelled due to rain but we spent the afternoon and evening together anyways. It was very nice!! Some R talk, initiated by him, but it didn't turn into a fight like usual. Even SF.. initiated by me.. but still!!! Both looking forward to MC tomorrow and working on a plan..

Ok.. well, we spent a total of about 10 minutes together today. MC wouldn't even see us together as he felt it was totally unproductive when all we did was argue. So no plan. Still no LB deposits whatsoever. For me anyway. I do all sorts of things for him. Not sure he notices since he's never around and never comments. I really think I'm getting to the point of just wanting out. Maybe it's just a down in the rollercoaster ride that is my life. But maybe it's more. I seem resigned in a way, but more so, I feel excited as if I could really start living again. Instead of just barely surviving by scrounging for the scraps he occasionally tosses my way. I know MB is for the strong and determined, but I really think I have been. I was very loyal, strong, determined and ever loving for almost a year. But in the last few months, the strain is obviously starting to get to me. I've lost it more than once. I've embarassed myself and given up my dignity by my actions. I've humiliated myself by begging for a hug or a kind word. I've went month after month without SF, yet tormenting myself with the questions of who he was getting it from or even just the knowledge of the dirty magazines he keeps in his closet. I've always found a way to provide for my children when he's too busy drinking and partying, or when his support check bounces. I've been destitute and deathly ill.. none of which brought him out of his selfish fog. And yet I've continued loving him and being faithful to him and always hopeful. Well, I really think I'm done. Unless he made some massive changes immediately, what's the point? I don't want to wait, hoping and praying for how much longer.. a month, 6 months, another year? I'm sick of his selfishness, his childishness, his lack of responsibility, his anger, his disdain, and flat out, I'm sick of his abuse! No more!

Time for Plan B. Look for plan B letters and end the "agony".

From what I read here, Plan B is a life saver. A sanity protector.

You can do it. You made it so far, in plan B you have the advantage of not having to deal with WH and all his c**p.

Be strong.

thank you ltil.. I'm looking at plan b

I've really been detaching from fwh. I haven't been asking for time together, nor calling him anything. The desire to talk to him or see him just isn't there anymore. All it does is bring hurt anyway. It's like if you constantly run into a bring wall every time you turn down a certain street, eventually you stop going down that street! Duh. Anyway, he seems a little concerned. But I don't know what to say other than what I did last night. That I still love him (even though I do feel that starting to fade) and I do want to save our marriage but I can't do it alone and I no longer choose to try and force him to cooperate. If he wants to become an equal partner in rebuilding our marriage then let me know. Otherwise, I'm moving on with my life.