Just wanted to capture this in another thread so some of the exposure experts could weigh in.

I found OM's parents address and phone number and I am going to call them tomorrow. I just wanted to capture what I wanted to say vs. what needs to be said.

What I have is this:

Hi, is this Mr. & Mrs. OM's parents? Hi, my name is Eph525 and I have some information I believe you need to know. Your son is having an affair with my W and it has resulted in the fracture of our family. This has been going on for a very long time - in fact, I believe you even met my W before we got married - maybe she was introduced as OM's girlfriend or something like that. Well OM has continued to pursue my W all these years. Were you aware of any of this?


Of course, the conversation could go in any number of directions as that point, but I want to make sure I stay wit the facts. Do I need to go into more detail than that? I also plan to record the phone call.

Another thing is I am not sure what WW's response would be to this. She may spew poison WW venom at me, she may not say anything because there MIGHT be no contact, or she may not say anything and then play a legal maneuver portraying me as being vindictive or something like that.

Hope to hear some comments soon.

I wanted to contacted OM parents by my mother in law did it for me. But I would keep it simple, just give facts it all depends on them and how they take it. I wouldn't say "Were you aware of any of this?"

I would add this sentence for effect:

"Hi, is this Mr. & Mrs. OM's parents? Hi, my name is Eph525 and I am married to Mrs. Eph525. We have 2 children together. I am calling to ask for your help. Your son is having an affair with my W and it has resulted in the fracture of our family. This has been going on for a very long time - in fact, I believe you even met my W before we got married - maybe she was introduced as OM's girlfriend or something like that. Well OM has continued to pursue my W all these years. remove this close ended question---->Were you aware of any of this?

ADD THIS: I am calling to ask your help in persuading your son to end his affair with my wife.

A legal manuver portraying you as vindictive? However would she ever prove such a thing? And since when is it illegal to be vindictive? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Is that like a thought crime? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Accusing a BS of being "vindictive" or "vengeful" is nothing but a manipulation tactic from the FOG BOUND designed to frighten them into silence. I guess they think thats real scary. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ah, Mel. I knew I could count on your expertise. Good suggestions.

You and namese90 are right - that was a pretty open ended question at the end.

Yeah, I have the answer to the vindictive line of thinking i.e. fogspeak - I am receiving counseling from the foremost authority on infidelity (Dr. H) and it is his recommendation to expose an affair.

Eph, you dont have to have an answer!! Remember, you are not in a position where you have to justify yourself. If she calls and demands answers, just tell her "yes, I shore did call and tell them, shore enuf... So sorry you are upset."

You do not have to justify yourself, you did nothing wrong.

What Melody (and Dr. Harley) said. Better words have never been spoken.

(Something that struck me is you shouldn't forget to mention your children early and often.)

As for the actual delivery, once you open your mouth and start talking, the conversation will take on a life of its own. It's like giving a speech. If you know your subject matter inside and out, the actual speaking part will come naturally.

Stay calm, pardner. Give them the facts and ask for their assistance in ending the obscenity.

What I meant was that is my answer should she bring it up in mediation or with the GAL - not that I would answer her directly.

Also to basically have that answer to recite to myself in my head.

Eph ~

Everyone here is giving you very good advice. Here is a link to my exposure ~ I did just about all of mine via e-mails and internet postings, so here is exactly how I worded it. I was never rude, mean, nasty or ugly, and all I did was ask for help from anyone and everyone who would be willing to put pressure on and encourage my H and the OW to "do the right thing" and end their A.

I am sure they were both angry, but...I did not do anything wrong, and I know that. I was NOT being vindictive, I was desperately seeking help from anyone who I thought might be able to influence either one of them. I did not lie or slander anyone's name; I simply told the truth.

And something musta worked because last week, WH wrote (and I mailed) the NC letter. I believe we may be on the brink of beginning real recovery.

Here it is:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

I would also include that you want their son to completely cut off all contact for life because otherwise it will start back up again. "Ending it" will do no good if he keeps talking to her until she gets divorced.

OM's parents want proof that their son is being a ****** because they refuse to believe it if you don't show them some. In my situation, OM's father was in denial that his son could do such a thing until I Fedexed him the proof. Only then did he talk to his son.

Eph,

Big Tough Day!!!

Here's a song for you!


Great Big Sea,

Clearest Indication

Eph,

Two of the largest impasses ->DENIAL---APATHY--->.

Should you encounter either one or/both.

Just in case, your feeling a little frustrated still after all prayers have been said. Strong emotions being felt.

U might want to check this site out.

Bruce Lee-high speed painting.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Unable to get in contact so far. Will keep trying this evening after work.

So I finally talked to OM's dad.

Explained what was going on, gave the details all the way back.

He asked what he should do and said he has already talked to him about it before, and he does not condone it. I told him that I did not appreciate it and that he has disrespected me and my family ad maybe he would listen to him as his father.

He remembered meeting my wife back before we were married.

He said frankly he does not know the details and does not want to know the details (DENIAL), and that maybe his mother would like to now about it.

I gave my number in the event that she wanted to talk to me.

He basically said he didn't know what to do.

I thanked him for his time.

And I recorded it all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Quite liberating if I do say so.

God help my son if I ever caught him acting so trashy.

Excellent, Eph. Now, don't expect anything to suddenly happen in your situation, okay? It takes time. Always remember they are his parents and biology is going to ensure they will tend to "be on his side" when saying anything to you. Privately, though, they may tear him a new one. Their opinions have an effect on him though. It creates pressure on him and, through him, upon the adultery. Little by little, with each additional increment of pressure, the fantasy begins to crack. With every crack, more tension is created, causing more cracks, etc., etc. See how it goes?

Your WW, btw, may be absolutely furious at this new exposure too. Please be ready for it and prepare yourself for the invective and anger, okay? She may come up with the oldie but goodie, "I was going to work on the marriage 'til you did this. But now...(insert expletive of choice)...now I wouldn't work on our marriage for (insert appropriate protestation), etc., etc.

How many other ways can you ratchet up the pressure, pardner?

well I exposed to WW's mom and she was also in denial. Her brother also knows but I am not sure if he is doing anything. They were both with her on our court date.

WW's g-grandmother knows - I told her all about it when I took the kids up there a few weeks ago.

The only other person I could tell is her grandmother.

LOL.. we all feel that way, but here's the funny thing. My FIL cheated on MIL for 20 years before he had a stroke which rendered him 1/2 paralyzed. The OW left him after that, and MIL was the one who had to attend to FIL for months in the hospital etc. You'd think she'd be the strongest advocate against adultery, right?

Well after I exposed, she was upset for a day or two with WS, then made her PROMISE not to see the OW again. Then told WS in the same breath "You should try to make this work, but even if you divorce him, its not the end of the world" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I also sent a letter to OW's parents, and they were furious enough that the father actually hit her. But it hasn't done anything to the A at all.

Sorry for the OT, but just trying to say that your mileage may vary for exposure to parents and OP's parents. They will put pressure on the A, but don't put all your hope in them alone that it will end the A, because most of the time, parents knowing about the A is not enough to end it.

Actually, Eph, I wasn't thinking of grandparents, etc. I was thinking of exposure in other corners: at work, social and professional societies, church, etc. I was just trying to jog your memory to see if there were other avenues you could take on the total question of exposure. If you've done all you can, of course, then you sit back and wait for the pressure cooker to do its work while you do Plan A. K?

Keep up the good work, pardner.

I don't think there is any such expectation, devastated. No one has ever said such a thing as it would be an unrealistic expectation. It is not expected that the parent will effect the end of the affair, just that they can squeeze the affairees and cause conflict in the affair.

Great job, EPH!!