Has anyone ever heard of a woman saying to her husband that I love you but am not in love with you without some sort of affair? Wife says she said it a few times to me because I kept pushing her for an answer and that it was because of bad times with me she said it and not because of anyone else. Any opinions?

She's babbling. The real question is why?!??!

How can you be sure this is NOT A related?

L.

Yes, how do you know there's no A? Because she SAYS so?

She has admitted stuff to me on occasions and asked if I think she is a bad person. And wanted to know if I did stuff too. And wanted a clean slate. But didn't admit too much. But later denied she admitted it and called me crazy.

I don't know, Steve. The calling you crazy thing is what a lot of WS's do.

I will suggest that the two of you start working the same shifts. Opposite shifts are DEADLY to marriage. And are you spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together?

Her online stuff may be meeting needs that you are not meeting.

You are being played. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. I would put a P.I. on her.

I went back and read your previous post and it appears that she said something mean to you so your response was to go troll for chicks and "act confident?" How old are you, son?

It was more than something mean and at that point I moved on and gave up on the marriage and lost hope. I then told some friends my situation and said I could date once the divorce is final. Some agreed. I am not going to cheat even if she is getting emotional needs met somewhere. And her mean comment was for me to be someone else's problem. I am thirty some years old. I didn't act confident I realized I can be on my own and that made me feel better. From what I read that change from pain to feeling good about myself part of letting go and starting the healing process. At the time I didn't understand at all what was happening until I did a lot of reading.

Well, I just wanted to say that I said that to my H a MILLION times... and I was NOT in an affair. My love bank was DRAINED, and he was not doing anything to fill it up.

I wanted, needed, him to hear what I needed, so that I would not be so unhappy with him.

What is she saying that she is unhappy with you about?

Sadmo

Sadmo
You are the first person I ever heard say that. Her love bank is drained also. Probably more than yours was. I don't know if I can fill it now. How did you come out of it and how long did it take if you don't mind me asking?

She says years of being unhappy has contributed. Also she had to do all the housework. Dishes,cook,laundry,pack my lunch. I did some work like cut grass and shovel snow. I cleaned the living room but she had most of it for many years. She would gripe and I would ignore her more. And I got grumpy and irritable about not enough sex. The arguements became worst. She had a bad business venture that lasted 3 years and devistated us. I was understanding for a while but then when it wouldn't end I kept pointing out her mistake. Now things came to a head and it looks like divorce. One day I want it more than her , then her more then me. I am not having any emotional needs met for a while now so at times I get on her and tell her to make a choice. Other times I try to work it out but get nothing back. She said she needs time to calm down and she can't be what I want her to be. I think it would take nothing less than a miracle to turn it around now.I have to be careful because I keep getting attached again and I don't want it to lead to depression again. Also she get's really mad and feels pressure if I flirt with her.

Want to know how to win back your wife?

[color:"purple"] Behave in ways that show you cherish her .[/color]

This is what is irresistable to women.

Pep

SA-

This is EXACTLY what will win her back.

Unfortunately, my H would not do anything either (sounds like the same scenario, only we did not have a failed business venture). He did not help with ANYTHING other than watching the kids while I was at work. I cleaned, cooked, cut the grass, took the kids here and there, and he went to work, came home, and relaxed. Then he started to spend time 'hanging out with his friends' instead of me.

I was DRAINED. I talked, and talked to him, to no avail. He could not, or WOULD not hear what I was saying that would make the M better.

We are separated now, and I ofter WISH that he had done SOMETHING to show me that I mattered.

Believe me, if you show her that she matters, and HER happiness matters to you, it will make a difference.

Ask her HOW you could help around the house more. Or just do more.

Forget about sex for now. If she does not want it, when you try to get it from her is going to be a MAJOR turnoff. You should just be nice to her. Rub her feet, her back. Expect NOTHING in return from her.

It will make her want to be with you more, know that you are trying, and thinking of her.

Seriously.

Good luck!

Sadmo

Believer,
We were doing the 15 hours a week but some of it was watching tv which I hear doesn't count. On saturdays we would go out and eat or try other things. Then it started to seem like I was the only one trying. Recently I stopped trying and feel like nomatter what I can't compete with the 40 hours a week she spends on the internet from the time I leave for work until the time I get home. I got sick of it and gave up. She's hiding something and is not willing to come clean.

Can a PI watch her internet activities?

Peperband,
with the different shifts and getting nothing back it just seems like she is using me. I was paying everything for like 3 years and recently after she said she wants divorce I told her to pay half.
Also she has behaviors she is not willing to admit to. I did too but I admitted mine and am working on them and have eliminated the bad ones but still have a few. When she's on the computer all day I can't help it I get mad. When I call home she rushes me off the phone and the time she is on all I hear is typing.

Sadmo,
Since reading here and the big fallout I started doing everything around the house. Everything. And she stopped doing anything. She barely works. About 12 hours a week she works and I was doing it all and felt she was setting me up for failure so I told her I want treated with respect and want her to do her share. Now it is about even with bills and with housework.
I am curious and you don't have to answer sadmo but your situation seems kinda similar in ways. Who filed for the separation you or him? And when it happened did he wake up and try to do more? She says she can't be what I want her to be. I just don't know if it's worth it at this point and I know she is not willing to give up her buddies. Thanks all.

"Can a PI watch her internet activities?"

You can, install a keylogger.

What is she doing on the computer all that time???
Online games? Chat rooms? what?

Maybe, it's not a EA but whatever she's doing on the internet all day is killing your R and in time herself.

Of course she's not in love with you... your're her daily reminder of reality. You "destroy" the fun as you enter the door averyday after work.

Whatever she's doing in there, it's an addiction. She needs to stop it.

I said it to my H before we separated. I was not in an A, nor had I had one. He had at least one EA (for 2 1/2 yesrs - over at least 6 months before I discovered it).

My LB was drained too. I tried and tried but one person does not a marriage make - so while I did (and still do) love him, I was no longer "in love" with him, so I asked him to move out and eventually filed for D.

I did not want to D, I wanted to reconcile and rebuild. Only snag was - he didn't.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar - but if your gut tells you there's more to it than that, then go with your gut.

JMHO

JinGA

Lost,
I can't believe you said that. I have been telling her it's a wedge between us for years. Since 1999 matter of fact. And actually that's when our relationship got worse now that I think back. I have my blame for my laziness and angry outbursts. Most of our fights since then were about the internet. And later money. She does online gaming. With a headset and voices. I heard her talking about me real bad once. Like she hated me. I was shocked. I never even knew she had a headset and talked until I wondered what was going on and recorded her. She flipped out. I tried a keystroke logger once. She is a gamer and noticed the computer running slow instantly. For the recorder and the logger she told her family and made me look like I was crazy and paranoid. She made me feel very low for about 3 or 4 years for that. I still hear about it. She was going to wipe her computer before let me see what the logger found. I said that it makes her look guilty and she said she was prooving a point that I shouldn't spy. We have had many arguements but the only two times she ever left me was when I threatened her computer harm. She took it both times. I know that doesn't say much for me but I didn't know about behaviors back then.

She doesn't see the internet as an ediction at all because her work around the house is done. I tell her that 40 hours a week or more every week for many years is an adiction. She says I make her life so bad that that is the only outlet she has.

Jinga,
Thanks for responding. I am the only one trying now and she is about to move out. I won't stop her. We got married in 1991. I have to think of myself at some point. It's not what I want. It just seems to be happening. My gut is telling me something though. Also I was wondering what (others/PA) mean? Other EAs?

I don't want to hijack the thread but I'll answer your questions. He had a 2 1/2 year EA (while we were in MC no less - he sat there and played perfect H/victim all the while!) which I discovered 6 months after it was allegedly over (they were "just friends" at that point.. I exposed it to all - didn't know about MB but it was the logical thing to do).

I don't have any evidence of others beyond a reasonable doubt, but I do have some circumstancial evidence prior - stuff he managed to explain away ridiculously - but it's "possible" so I sort of gave him the benefit of the doubt - being places with women we worked with, when he should have been elsewhere, once I found a condom wrapper in his car (you wouldn't believe the 'splanation for that one!)... but I could never find solid proof.

For 2 years we lived apart due to his work, this was after the EA was exposed and supposedly resolved, but I cannot be sure there was NC - when I visited him I found her phone number in his stuff, so I threw it away but I have no idea if he'd ever called her after D-day or whatnot.

So I can't prove a PA beyond a reasonable doubt (but I'm not naive either) - and he had enough opportunity and perhaps motive... so I honestly don't know. I found chat logs on the EA from long before they occurred, on our home computer back in '98 (we married in 89, together since '84). Those chat logs would curl your hair - and the "woman" was 17 when it started <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

After D-day it was decision time for him, and he said it was over and NC etc., and for the most part he didn't do anything after that that I could see - but other major LB and outright deal-breakers lead to the divorce.

Hope that answers your questions. By the time the marriage was in shambles, any "romantic" love I had was long gone, and while I do still love him even to this day - during the end of the M it was more like a "brother love" than any sort of romantic love.

JinGA

Dude...your wife is WAY wayward here if she's hiding things to the extent you're describing.

Go get a hardware keylogger, and install it on the keyboard port of her computer. There's no reason why she'd detect that at all.

You have a SERIOUS issue going here man. This sounds exactly like my wife's behavior during HER online EA.

What game does she play online? Depending, I might know some logging methods specific to the game too.

owl,
That's why I wonder if I should just give her the divorce.
She plays World of warcraft and I have been paying for it for 3 years.

She would find it and tell everyone how awful I am and leave if I did that. Where do I get one? The hardware logger that is.

I have read where World of Warcraft (WOW) has been the media of a few EA's, and has lead to PA's. I have also read of M that broke over the time this game consumes.

I have a 15 y/o son who plays "with rules in place". It is a great bargaining chip to hang over his head. One grade slip, and I block WOW from the computer router. Chores not done... Turn it off.

As for the "ILYBNILWY" statement... I personally believe anyone who has a negative balance in their Love Bank, is capable of this statement for whatever reason. Most here, i suspect find it strikes the infidelity nerve, and it certianly a red flag worth further investigation.