My wife and i have been together 7 years and have always been very close so much so people have commented on it.She is and always has been my whole world but about 3 months ago i started getting the feeling something may be going on. About a week ago we had our D-Day she left for a couple days and is now back with me she agreed to counciling but now its maybe she quit her job because of this guy but she goes for a walk every night and is inseperable from her phone...is she talking to him? ...D-Day i heard i love you im just not in love with you and she had been faking it for 3 years.since we are back together I hate to start the fight all over but should i accuse her of talking to him?

It seems to me that you do not have all the answers that you need. You need to find out the dynamics of the WHOLE A, everything. There can be no lies, no withholding information. Then and only then can you figure out what how this can be handled. If you do know more info then you need to post that so that everyone can access your situation better.

Sorry you are here, but it's as good a place as you could find to be. First of all, purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". It's also by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this website.

Until you get the book, read all you can about infidelity on this website. Affairs are like addictions, and they are so similar, you'll see another version of your story with every thread you read.

Read all about plan A.

Stop telling her you love her all the time.

Know that she lies about nearly everything.

Stay at home, sleep in your bed. She had the affair...let her sleep where she wants.

Stick with a mantra..."we are married, and I believe in our marriage, and will do everything I can to save it".

You might want to consider copy/pasting your post over on General Questions II. It is far busier than this forum. Also, don't be discouraged by the lack of "traffic", as the forums are much slower on weekends.

Read all you can, as knowledge is power. Do some snooping and gather all the evidence you can get, but don't get caught. Hire a PI if necessary. Check cell phone records, credit card records, purchase and install a keylogger on your computer, and consider buying a voice activated recorder for your land line. The more evidence you have, the less she can deny.

This is a long and rocky road, so hunker down, and prepare yourself for a long haul.

Also, for us older readers, click "edit" on your above thread and break it in to paragraphs so it's easier to read.

Best wishes,
SD

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I confronted the guy and that didnt go as wel as i had hoped.He said no way!any way i shoulda stopped there but didnt, threatening him and later tried to appeal to his sympathetic side..you cant reason with some people anyway im done with that.Decided to try to win her over and our marriage is showing signs of improvement.its only been a week our sex life has improved along with everything else and she says ive been very affectionate and have made a point to spend all the time i can with her...BUT in her phone she calls me TOOL am i being used? or is she still in the withdrawl stage from him? I keep telling her we can get thru this if we both work on it maybe im just being impatient?

Check her cell phone bill. Her not wanting to part with the phone, and going for a "walk" is a big red flag. Ask her if you can walk with her. She will most likely refuse.

As long as she's in contact of any kind, the A remains "on", and withdrawal cannot take place. No Contact is essential to healing a marriage. They cannot remain friends.

She said she needed time and that kinda goes along with the withdrawl stage i was reading about just nervous dont wanna stir all that up again...it will be about 3 weeks before i get the next bill. she stays up way late and texts alot always says its one of her girlfriends and it may be.she does tell me she loves me now without me prompting her and offers hugs and kisses freely. sometimes she gets distant and then lastnight she told me she still wants to run away but she says im still here and im trying...Im just scared I hate to lose her If she will let herself I know we can be more than we ever were i forgave her and I dont think i could love her more.

Ask her if she will write a no contact letter to him. It should say that the affair was a HUGE mistake, and that she wants to work on her marriage, and desires no contact with him for any reason forever. Then you send the letter, or email. See what she says. If she says it is pointless, or refuses, you know something is still going on.

I suspect that it is, and she is buying time.

I was thinking about the letter thing.i will ask her to do it

Ask her. For me, that is the litmus test. Of course, the wayward spouse could agree to it, and send it and still have contact, but STRANGELY, they usually don't. If the affair is still ongoing, they will refuse, saying it doesn't make sense, is pointless, it will cause problems, etc.

Asked her about calling the guy, She said she had but not in a couple days.Told her she had to choose there could be no contact that there can be no healing till he or I was gone. She was upset then accusing that it was my fault told her fault or not there can only be one attitude changed way for the better but I had to hear her say it and she said she wants to work on it we are writing a letter to him.
Now I know we have a long way to go but dang I feel better.
Thanks so much! I had also told her that if she chose him that I didnt ever want to hear from her again or see her, just stay away from me and the kids there was no since in dragging this out.

Total,

Is OM Married and if he is have you exposed to his wife. Have you exposed to anyone and everyone who can start putting pressure on your WW?

You need to take all steps necessary to either end the A and ensure that all contact has stopped. Right now your W sounds like she is still a wayward.

Stop walking on egg shells with her. You need to establish a good Plan A and also find out the extent of what has been going on. Only with valid complete information can you develop a good plan to move forward with killing the A and heading toward recovery.

Also, make sure that you really mean it when you say that she has to choose, if she is still in FOG, she might just choose OM and that could ruin any chance of R. Better that you do what you can to end the A and then if that doesn't work, well, you can always go that route after Plan A and Plan B both fail.

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