Mama2M,
I was reading this thread earlier, and really agreed with the advice you have been given. But, I started to think a bit more about this and I think you need to step back a bit before making a decision.
You said a lot of things in your first post, that have been bubbling around in my head all day. So let me start with some of the things you have said.
I realize that as a former WS I am not very popular here. I had a sex addict husband who was so into pornography that he would rather "pleasure himself" than be with me.
Why? Or is this a bit of an over simplification? I must say that this seems odd. What were or not doing that might make porn more attractive? I am not blaming you for the porn, I am just trying to understand the situation better.
When a former flame contacted me via email I crossed boundaries with trepidation and then enjoyed the attention. This former flame is someone who I had thought about through the years and gave in to his advances.
So your focus was not on your H for years before this started right? And then you crossed your own boundaries. Notice I said your OWN boundaries. Those are the boundaries that YOU are supposed to protect and did not.
Before I let this move from an EA to a PA I sat my husband down and told him that I was vulnerable and felt like I was close to crossing a line with former flame. My spouse had known about the email communication and because he was involved in so many things online including an online relationship he told me to go get "what I needed" from him.
Ok, here is a news flash. You were already deep into the affair when you went to your H. You were just seeking justification of crossing your boundaries. No matter what your H said or did not say, YOU had the affair and YOU violated your boundaries. Further, I wonder if you made it as clear to your H as you are making it to use? Nevertheless, these comments have a point, I promise.
I, probably out of spite, did just that and ended up pregnant within 4 months of sporadic contact. We sold our house 4 months later and separated.
So as I hear you state this, you got pregnant and left. No fuss, no muss, no one cared, no one got hurt. Is that what you are telling us??? I have my doubts, since had visited upon your H most men's worst nightmare.
Throughout my pregnancy my spouse and I played "the dance" of him wanting to reconcile and then me wanting to reconcile. He was in the delivery room for my son's birth, his name is on the birth certificate and basically has acted as a step-father throughout my son's life.
Step-father, seems you damn him with faint praise. You put his name on the birth certificate, he was there for the birth, he acted like a "step-father", and that was pretty much it??? I don't see any indication that you appreciated him doing this at all. Is that true??
Now here is my dilemma. I do have some contact with the OM and my son knows him as Daddy. He sees him a few times a year with supervision as I do not trust the aggression that he shown.
What does he call the man whose name is on the birth certificate and apparently does seem him regularly and loves him?? Does his "step-father" support the boy in anyway??? How old is the boy now?
I fear that my son may be hurt but don't know how to fix what I allowed to happen with the contact. My "spouse on paper" is now suggesting that we move back in more or less to provide a home for my son with a mother and a father.
"Spouse on paper" nice!!! It seems to me he is more than that. He is your H, he apparently cares for your son by another man, and wants the best for him. Suggests to me that your "spouse on paper" happens to be a pretty darned strong man and very committed.
I do believe that he has turned his life around with the sex addiction and see no signs of it. Is there a way that I can learn to love him again. I feel nothing in the way of desire to him although I do love him but more as a friend. I find that when I am in trouble he is a support to me so I know he loves me on some level as well. There is little affection between us but we do get along great and rarely disagree.We still attend church together when he can due to his work schedule.What do you guys think are my chances for recovery of this marriage?
Well yes there is a way for you to fall in love with him again and I will get to it in a minute. But, yes there is a way.
He says he doesn't trust me to not cheat on him again but I am confident that the OM has killed whatever I felt for him and I won't.
Well, now here is the problem, you are still in contact with OM. Your son calls him "Daddy", your H thinks and probably correctly that you still have something for OM in your heart. I will tell you why I think he is correct in a minute.
I feel like this separation has gone on for so long that if we don't reconcile I will finally go through with the divorce this year. We have filed three time with me pulling it twice and him pulling it once.
Time is NOT a good reason for divorce or to remain married. Perhaps there is a clue to this given that YOU have pulled the divorce twice.
If you have an opinion either way I would appreciate it. I don't know what would be the right thing to do at this point and do not know what exactly would be best for my son as he loves BS dearly.
Well there is no RIGHT thing to do. However, it might be best for your son to have a father and a mother. But, ONLY if they loved on another.
So let's start with YOUR issues first. I see several issues that YOU must address no matter what you finally decide. If you are going to hang with your H, OM needs to be out of the picture. No contact. Second, it is time you took responsibility for what you did and clearly from this post you are not. Your H did not make you have an affair nor did he make you become pregnant, YOU DID that. You continually make Disrespectful Judgements concerning your H. You should read the section here on love busters. The DJ is the WORST love buster of all because people act on the assumptions made with a DJ. Usually it does not work out well.
You will NEVER love your H until and unless YOU face what you did to your marriage. You will NEVER love your H until you have some empathy for the pain you have caused. You will NEVER love your H until you begin to respect him and see the good in him. To date you have avoided doing all of those things, and the outcome is forgone...you don't love him. If you can find it in you do these things, I think you will find it within you to love him. He clearly meets many of your needs as you have pulled the divorce twice so far.
Frankly, I would suggest you neither stay nor go right now. You should not leave until you can do most of the things listed for a period of time. IF you can (including no contact with OM) for say 6 months THEN you can make a well founded decision about what to do with this marrriage.
One last thing that builds love and is very counter intuitive. Meet your H's needs, become somewhat of a giver, not just a taker, and you will be amazed at what can happen.
My point, you are nowhere near ready for this decision. You are still in contact with OM which keeps you in a "fog", you have put walls up with regard to your H, and you clearly have at this point no empathy for his situation. Change these things, give it 4-6 months, and THEN make your decision.
Please think about this.
God Bless,
JL
