I was just curious. Why do some WS's come back? What makes them WANT to come back?

Anyone out there that came back, or their spouse came back- What was the turning point, the a-ha! moment?

I am just curious!

Thanks!
Sadmo

I just posted to your other thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As to your question: Why do WS's come back?

They don't. Ws' don't come back. They can come back as an Xws and if there is false recoveries, then the WS leaves again (emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.).... but in reality the WS never comes back.

What you want is at the very least the Xws or at the most, your real spouse to be allowed back into the family.

I learned to put my family as a privilege not as a right. The WS lost his right t/b in our family when he become our greatest human enemy. Therefore, the WS was not allowed to be with us and for a while that was alright with the WS but I would let him see us moving forward and that irked the WS spirit.

See part of their survival is to create the demise of the BS and family. The more they see us fail, the greater their survival becomes. So it is better NOT to feed that sick selfish craving of the Ws.

L.

My experience says that not all have really left. I think a good percentage NEVER make the decision to leave their family but that they feel entitled to go have what they would consider fun for a while. I only know of a few people (outside of this board) that ever seriously considered leaving their spouse for their affair partner. I think many come back when they get bored or realize the harm they are causing others... I also think many come back when they get caught, thereby ruining their little fantasy.
I think the reasons people come back will be as varied as the reason that they screwed around in the first place.

Well, what I meant was, why do the REAL spouses come back?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I was going to ask you, did your spouse come back, or did you just learn to deal with him?

I was wondering if and when the person decides that 'hey, I do want to come back!" What made them want to?

And how would you know if it was getting to that point?

Sadmo ;

Sadmo,

Since you asked, my H did come back. It was and is a long hard journey. Not in the sense of a lot of work for me. I carry plan B in my back pocket and whip it out as needed. The WS is deeply entrenched and when that selfish attitude comes out my tolerance level is very very low. He is warned then if no corrective action is taken, plan B whips out and is executed immediately. Sounds tough? It is. I am not going to deal with this kind of schzit again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My H knows and understands. The WS in him whimpered away or hopefullly died. LOL!!

You can 1st tell by their eyes. The lost look is replaced with a hopeful more kind reflection. Then the actions start to match. There are periods of withdrawal and he is immediately reminded of how fearful that makes us. See we have learned to live without him but he has never learned to really live without us (though the Ws has tried)...... our family was still meeting the real needs and the OW was not.

I learned to play my cards well and NOT allow the WS to dictate to me how to plan my future. I stood up to the WS and do not regret telling the WS to go take a hike and never return. That gave my real H a fighting chance.

To this day, my H knows that even now I have the right to leave him for what he did to our family. He knows it is his responsibility to make it up to us.

While I don't think of PBR everyday.....I still spend more time than I would like dealing with the subject. My regrets for my decisions are minimal because I did give thought to most of my actions and reactions. The one thing I would do different is expose to her H and family. I did not do it and that is one regret.

So I don't want the WS back. I want and will settle for no less than an improved H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hold on to your values.

L.

My WS came back because his health was falling apart and OW dumped him. Not the best of reasons but things are improving between us. At the beginning, I thought of it as making the best of a bad situation but slowly, slowly we are starting to feel like a family again.

Out of gas for whatever reason or combination of reasons?

Mine came back b/c I walked away from him. He wanted to do his own thing & still be "friends". I couldn't allow that to happen. He then realized that he had lost the best friend he ever had.

StandingTogether,

How did you walk away from him? How long was it before he 'snapped' and decided that he wanted to come back?

Sadmo