I'm going through my third divorce right now.

I thought I was pretty bad off after my second divorce in that I didn't trust relationships at all. Everyone was a potential cheater. Everyone wanted to clean out my bank accounts. Everyone had ulterior motives.

Then my third wife just sort of happened to me (I wasn't looking to date). I was very cautious and moved very slowly. She thought something was wrong with me because I didn't kiss her until months into our dating and she had to initiate our first intimate encounter.

Even then I moved slowly and in fact she thought I wasn't serious about her and broke up with me at one point because she didn't feel I was as committed as she was. She couldn't have been further from the truth. I was opening to her, but cautiously. Unfortunately, I completely committed, even more so than I had in my prior marriages.

So when it ended less than a year after we married, I was devastated. I still am and so I'm no where near ready to enter into any serious relationships again. It's been six months and I still cry and struggle with things. I made myself go out with someone else hoping it would help and I ended up crying in the middle of things and just felt dirty and like I had done something wrong to my ex wife (why would I feel that way, I guess in some ways I'm still emotionally committed to her even though I need to accept the reality of the situation).

But in hindsight, I think my difficulty in trust were the problems in this marriage. By the time we married, I was open and ready to fully trust, but because there had been issues earlier, she pushed some issues that ended up becoming self fulfilling prophecies for her because she was so convinced that they would be issues before they ever were.

I don't know if I can bring myself to marry again. My kids are so hurt and damaged through my string of divorces. But I need to begin the road to repairing myself, more so than I have already done.

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can get to the point where I will not look on every date and potential relationship as the next ex spouse? Today, even more so than before my third marriage, every time I even remotely think about a person in terms of a relationship, I think of them as a potential cheater or a potential gold digger or the next person who will take the easy way out the first time we hit a bump in the road.

And I know with those feelings and mindsets, I have no chance of succeeding, ever. Any thoughts and suggestions are appreciated.

thirddivorce, all I can say is bless you. Been there done that. I've already been through my third divorce and it was tough. Right now I'm not interested in any man I meet. My last relationship was just bf/gf and I told him I wasn't ready to get married, that I had to know I could trust him first. He didn't get it. Don't ask my why, he's been married six time to three different women and was still ready to jump the gun stat. I was only away from him for three weeks and he asked a girl he claims to have known for only six weeks to marry him. Like I told everyone else, at least that beats the two weeks he knew me before he asked me to marry him.
Next time I marry, I want it to be for life. I want to know that he is just as dedicated to the relationship as I am and it will take a few trials to see how he responds to problems that arise before I'm willing to make any commitment. I waited 10yrs in between my second and third marriages, but the waiting didn't help. I still ended up with someone that put everything else in his life top priority. Ain't going there again! A husband and wife should make each other top priority, make adjustments, and believe it or not everything else flows a lot more smoothly. If my last h had followed Dr. Harley's advice, we'd probably never split up. It's been three years this time and I've only had one serious bf in the meantime. He turned out to be a sex addict and an abuse/controller. Dr. Harley said dump him. I did but it took a long time and me finding out he was cheating before I actually could. My IC said that he never sees himself as doing anything wrong - not even if she shows him (he's still going). Last time I told her that someone we both know told me he is already getting married again. She just said, "I wonder if she knows what she's in for".
I feel the same way you do about never having a chance of succeeding in a relationship. I feel the same way. Don't know if it will ever go away so I'm just going back to school now that my kids are grown and I have no one to take care of. Guess I'm just learning how to take care of ME for now. Feels weird though. Lonely. Friends help but in this day and age everyone is living such a fast paced life until even friends can be hard to get close to.
Good Luck!

Bad relationships can damage you. I am only on one divorce and I have the same feelings you do. My ex is on her second and it would be hilarious she went through a third. *wait...did I type that out?*

anyway, I think timne with yourself, being a great parent, being a great friend will reinstill confidence in future lovelife. Just know that the number of divorces doesn't define you. Being a good person does. Use this latest setback as a springboard to being a better parent, friend, employeee, whatever. The "good" that came out of my divorce is I came closer to my faith, became a better friend, a much better parent, and improved myself for the next person to come along.

God bless you

and trust me... after all that work on himself, gekko is quite a good catch now if i do say so myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

anyway, i actually meant to reply to this post earlier but got sidetracked having to do out and shovel the 50 tons of snow we got last night. and i pulled a muscle doing it :-(

my trust was definitely broken very badly in my marriage. i trusted him with all my heart. even when things were not going well i always said that my ex had a good character and WOULD NEVER HAVE AFFAIRS, HE WOULD LEAVE THE MARRIAGE FIRST. boy was i wrong. lie after lie after lie, affair after affair. i don't think my ex even knows how to tell the truth anymore he has told so many lies.

BUT, i do not judge everyone based on my ex. i feel i have pretty good instincts. after being married to my ex, i feel i have finely tuned ones now. i can smell a cheater a mile away. i can tell if i am being lied to. i can tell if something just doesn't sound right. i dated a few guys after the initial break up. i tended to go for types who were similar to my ex thinking that was my "type". boy did the red flags go off immediately. i could just tell left and right when things were not right. i decided no dating for awhile and just decided to work on exactly what i wanted and who i wanted to be.

and when i did that, and when i wasn't even looking, along came a gekko! and i have been very happy ever since. long before we started dating exclusively we worked through some sticky stuff together. but we were always honest and communicated.

there is an honest woman out there for you. take your time, heal heal heal. get you and your life just how you want it and you will be surprised what kinds of wonderful people can enter your life when you least expect it.

mlhb

I think that's why I'm so devastated.

I really believed (obviously I'm wrong) that I had fine tuned those senses and I believed the most wonderful person entered my life when I least expected it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

What stops me from doing the same thing again?

Of course I know there are plenty of things broken about me, but what I know for sure is that my picker is broken (and I wonder if its even repairable).

I'm not looking right now, but the thought of being alone the rest of my life is terrifying. I'm a family man. I'm very independent. In fact, I describe myself as domesticated. When I remarried, I'd of preferred to keep my laundry separate and done it on my own because I have my way I like it done but I yielded on that and so many other things in favor of joining with my wife.

But there were still just enough things that I was indepedent on despite my best efforts that ruined our marriage.

i bet if you really looked at your marriage, and with hindsite being 20/20 you could see there were red flags and signs there that you probably just chose to ignore for whatever reasons... maybe you didn't want to be alone, maybe you wanted a family more than you wanted to see the red flags, i do not know. but i bet they were there.

looking back over my marriage i can see many many things that i should never have allowed. for example, he was always gone,never spent time with us. went to this friends house, went to the fire hall, went here went there. once in a while is one thing but i never should have just looked the other way so many times. his internet use and talking to other women on that. should stopped that. separate banking accounts so i had no idea who much money he actually had. should have not tolerated that... so many things i know i would not have in my next relationship, so many things that i saw that were not "couple" bahviors but rather very independent behaviors. but i allowed them and it really hurt our marriage. i actually pretty much gave him free reign to do what he wanted when he wanted and to not be held accountable to me. i made it wayyy to easy for him to sneak around and lie.

tell me you can't see any red flags in hind site... and just know next time you will NOT over look any red flags but rather look at them very seriously and talk about them with the other person. i think gekko and i are VERY adament we will never make the same mistakes again that we made in our marriages. if something comes up that makes us uncomfortable we talk about right away. no stewing about it, no letting fester into resentment. and there have been a few things we have needed to talk about. but that is ok because we did and we got them in the open and now its done.

you just need to heal and to not ever overlook any red flags. you will get there.

mlhb

I agree that there are things to learn from the previous marriages that will help you in your future relationships.

For me, I had a steady girlfriend who was caught kissing a guy during a party we attended. We broke up soon thereafter. Probably what was my next serious relationship resulted in my current marriage, which appears to be ending after multiple affairs.

I too, feel that I am better prepared with what I've learned on this site for the next relationship.

But, I have a nagging feeling that there is something more that I should do. Perhaps you should consider this as well. Do we attract/seek partners who are like ourselves? I'm NOT saying that you cheat or would cheat and, therefore, attract a woman who would cheat. Instead, I would consider looking at traits that lead one to cheat in marriage. For me, I wonder if a lack of confidence on my part leads me to women who also have a lack of confidence. I had trouble convincing my wife that I found her beautiful, intelligent, and funny (she would tell me that I would say these things because I was obligated to due to marriage). So, if she's not going to believe me, then more weight was put into the praises of her new "friends."

I am not dating yet, but I am doing things to boost my confidence level (e.g., working out, taking on more public speaking opportunities and leadership positions). My hope is that when I do date again, I will find a partner who is so confident in herself that she will be willing to talk truthfully with me about anything (and vice versa).

Giles