About six weeks ago, my husband and I returned from a vacation for his brother's wedding. We had a great time.

The day after we got back, we had gone out to visit family and returned home to make dinner. After eating, my husband had gone to the washroom and came back announcing he wanted to go to play hockey with a friend. I had been kind of hoping to spend some alone time together, because we spent the week with his family.

I didn't out right say this, but it resulted in him leaving the room, then coming back and just staring at me. Finally, he said, "That's it, I'm leaving" and he got his jacket and left.

He didn't come home that night.

The next morning he came home and I met him at the door. Asked him where he was, and got the response, "not here" He proceeded to get ready for work. Told me we would talk when I got home from work that night. I rushed home from work, to find all of his stuff gone.

I stopped by his work the next day asking what was going on. He told me he needed some space. He was going to stay at his parents for awhile. He gave me a hug, and drove away.

About four days later, after asking his parents permission, I stopped by their house early that morning to talk to him. He was still asleep, so I snuck into the room and whispered to him that I loved him. He replied, "I love you too babe" then, woke up. He was all kinds of mad, and got right up. I asked him to talk to me. He agreed t olisten while I talked.

Spent a little bit of time talking and hugging him, rubbinghis back, etc.

He then asked me when I was done to please respect his wishes for space and that he needed some time. Then, his mom called him downstairs, and I waited while she talked to him.

She came up about half an hour later, and told me that she just talked to him. She said he says our marriage is over and I need to accept it. I was like, "What!?" and said that it isn't over until we decide it is. I wanted to know why, so she agreed to go downstairs with me so we could talk and figure it all out.

Husband says he feels things are over between us, and tha tif by some miracle, things change... blah, blah, blah. Then says to me "I care about you so much, I always will." He then asked me to go, and gave me another hug. Iasked him to seriosuly take this time to consider what he is doing and he agreed he would. He also said he would take care ofme, and support me.

Cut to, about four days later. My brotherinlaw suggests I check my husbands cell phone bill. I log on and see a number that has shown up a few times that I do not recognize. I check the number in the phone book and find a girls name. When I drive by after my husband would be done work, I see our car in the driveway. So, I knocked on the door, and she answered. After glaring at me, she tells him to deal with this and he comes to the door. After me telling him I thought he was better than this, he tells me he is just having dinner. He is angry with me for showing up there, but I could care less.

I leave and go back to my sisters. Tell ehr what happened, and she tells me to get out of our home. I spend a lot of time crying trying to figure out what to do. The next day, I go to my sisters again after work, and she once again suggests I move in with her. After alot of talking, I agreed.

The next day, I moved our stuff out of the home to put in storage (because we don't live in the best neighbourood... lots of break ins) until my husband and I can decide what to do.

He gets angry with me for doing that. Figures I am trying to screw him over. I explain why I did what I did, but it is falling on deaf ears. He calls a couple of days later, and tells me I have the wrong idea about this girl. She is so in so's friend.

I mention in this phone call that I would really like to work on things, and he says that things can't be exactly the same as they were. I agree, but say it can be better. He agrees to talk to me about it.

For the next little while, when he calls (whcich is either every day, or every couple of days) he is angry. Everything is my fault. I am always nice, never accusing, never angry with him. I stay as calm as I can, because despite everything, I love my husband. I find I still call him sweetheart, babe, etc. When I do, he never tells me not to. I tell him I love him, he never told me not to.

A week and a half ago, I received a letter from a lawyer. He has spent the money to file for separation. (more to that story... involving my mother in law) He then called me that afternoon (not expecting me to get the letter that quickly) and asked how I was, etc. I talked to him as I normally would, the nsay, "I got that letter today" He says, "Oh" and doesn't say anythig else. I ask why he did that, as it really was unnecessary for us. I am completely willing t otalk to him about what we should do. He says, "Okay. I will let her know that we will deal with this on our own." I agreed to drop off some of the stuff he wanted the next day.

When I see him the next day, he tells me that he is glad we are going t owork this out on our own, and tells me how much he spent on this lawyer... (or, his mom spent because he has to pay her back)

No mention of the lawyer for about a week. Then, I emailed him about a car we are selling. He had told me that someone was coming to tlook at it, so I asked what had happened. He then told me he couldn't sell it because the lawyer says I have to contact her first. I once again reiterate I have no intention of talking to her, and that it will cost both of us a lot less to deal on our own. I then said to him, you realize, everytime you call her it is costing you more right? He says yes, and agrees that he will not involve her anymore. Then he tells me his lawyer said that I will try to screw him over and that if he sold that car, I would take his truck from him because it is in my name. I tell him that he knows me better than that, and that I would never hurt him because I love him.

He agrees that we can meet and talk on our own as long as we don't discuss our feelings.

Since that day (not quite a week ago) our phone conversations have been kind of back and forth. He'll talk to me normally one second, then is mad the next. I still find myself calling him sweetheart, etc. I am doing my best to stay as friendly as possible.

I am wondering what the best thing to do is. I want to work things out with my husband. I love him more than anything. I realize I am in competition right now with the other woman. This is why I am being as nice as possible. Anything else I should be doing?

Okay...

I had emailed my husband the other night about some of the bills and stuff that were upcoming. I find it a bit easier staying calm in my wording with an email because when I hear his voice my heart just melts and I get sad that I am not with him right now (which results in me crying)

He just emailed me back twice. Asking number one, why I needed a particular item that he has of ours (I need it because I am moving into my own apartment) and to ask about the other bills I had mentioned.

I proceeded to mention my move in my reply (without any detail) and the ntold him about something that had happened with our cat (she is hurt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)

Am I going about this the right way? Being nice, yet somewhat distant?

Hi, Missing.

I am very sorry for your pain.

Have you read all the articles on this site? You will need to understand the "Plans" and other concepts used here in order to implement them in your situation.

This is all going to take some time, so try to be calm and EAT. That is very important.

God bless,
Gimble

Yeah. About that eating thing...

I lost 25 pounds last month. No lie. Got me back down to the weight I wanted, but the way it happened... not good.

I have read a bit about the plans. I am a little confused though. I am not sure which plan to implement, because we are no longer living together, but my fear is that by using B, we have no chance. So, if I try A and help him to remember why he loves me, we have a better shot.

So, is being nice and loving (but not enabling or condoning) the way to go? I will not mention his "friend" until he comes to me.

Hi, missing.

You will want to get up to speed on "Plan A" even with him living away.

Quote:
=====================================
So, is being nice and loving (but not enabling or condoning) the way to go?
=====================================

Yes. In the mean time, find out all you can about the other woman and the affair. Get all your facts together, then it will be time to expose the affair and confront him.

While you are gathering facts, don't tell him what you know, and don't tell him what you intend to do with what you know (no threats).

Plan A is about making yourself an attractive option, it is NOT about being a doormat.

You are a ways from Plan B, so don't be worrying about that just yet.

Study "Plan A". There will be lots of other posters to help you out tomorrow.

You can do this.

God bless,
Gimble

you should be in plan A

you should NOT go to plan B until you show him that you CAN still be loving, kind and forgiving IF he decides to end the A

it doesn't matter if you aren't living together

you need to show him that you are able to meet his emotional needs

Do you know what his top 5 needs are?

o, because we are not living together, Plan A will work as long as I continue what I am doing?

It makes it really difficult because he is spending time with her, and not me.

I have noticed I tend to call him sweetheart and tell him I love him when we talk on the phone, and have not been asked by him not to. Is that considered part of helping him?

Going places with him is out of the question for now, because he is not seeing me at all. But, he is talking to me occasionally and reading my emails (replying back)

I have sent him a couple of emails regarding my love for him, and how I feel about us. No response from him about those (but he did use one of those emails to reply to me about something he considered an important issue in avoiding me.. .whether or not I am playing softball this summer because if I am, he is not)

Other than that, there isn't a whole lot I can do then be nice and happy when I talk to him. I have also told all of our friends what has happened, and word is rapidly spreading. But, I have also told all of our friends that I love him and want to work things out (that word is also spreading like wildfire) Will that make any difference?

a few questions for you....
any kids?
how old are you and your H?
is his mother as meddlesome as she sounds?

suggestions...

immediately move back to your marriage home.
secure your finances.
speak to a lawyer regarding your options.
expose the affair to every and anyone that could impact it.
Hold your head up high. Your H is acting like a jerk and you did nothing to deserve this. He is treating you poorly because he is having an affair. There is lots to read here... make a point to spend some time reading Harley's advice.

MEDC

No children.

I am 27 and my husband will be 30. We have been married for 4 1/2 years, together for 9.

His mother? Meddlesome when she feels the need to be... but, I can deal with her (he gets really pissed at her ways... surprised he has put up with it this long lol)

Moving back into our home is not an option. We were only renting it, and our landlord has found another tenant.

I have read everything this site seems to have to offer. I am only asking questions because I want to make sure I understand completely.

I will be doing what I can to re-instill my love to him. Being understanding, helpful, loving, etc.

I think, my telling him I love him everytime we talk, or calling him by pet names is somewhat a start. He has not asked me not to, so I know this is salvagable.

There was one afternoon when we were talking, and I flat out said to him, "I know you love me... I don't need you to tell me that for me to know." He did not reply, did not deny.

I think he is on the right track... just confused like ******.

MMH,

Part of Plan A is exposure...find out all you can about OW...you know where she lives, find out if she is married, divorced, has a BF...can you look up WH's cell bills online and print them out? How 'bout emails? We have some great investigative threads here...and what exposure is about sharing the truth...so make sure you find it out, then expose.

Very important in bringing reality...it's not retaliation and it's essential to Plan A.

I hear from your posts your choice to use endearments and say ILY is really important to you. Do you know your WH's ENs? His languages of love? Do you know yours? I ask because what may be a language to you (words of affection) may not be to him.

You know him. I don't. I know I had to seriously come to understand how different my DH was in languages and ENs than I was...and they do change, over time, as each are met well, they can drop down and others come up...the love language seems to not change as much.

Sounds, also, like your MIL was speaking for your WH...up to you to respectfully state, "I prefer to speak directly with my H. I'm fighting to save my marriage. I appreciate your efforts for our marriage and our recovery from infidelity."

That's what this is, MMH. EA/PA...look to your own self and ask, "Is this what I want?" Not from feelings, from your own commitment...and if recovering your marriage is your chosen goal, then go for it. All the way.

You can do this. You aren't crazy, bad or wrong. Keep that in mind. You're not manipulating him back...Plan A is being authentic, with ownership. You can do this. My WH was out of the house for a month and every time he came over for our son, or met to exchange papers, I made sure I looked my best...like you, staying calm, listening and repeating, and stayed honest, as well.

I sent flowers to his work (his was a work affair) and my whole family brought him more a couple of months later. I did mistake buying him cards...they are my love language, not his...and I put jokes on his driver's seat each morning...I printed them off the internet. Does he love Starbucks or muffins? You can pack lunches and drop them by his work...lots of stuff you can do, MMH. Only, do it because you're sure you're doing it from your choice to love, acting your love, so you can get some good love deposits into your love bank...'k?

LA

Exposure to who? My husband, or our friends and family?

I caught my husband at her home, so, he knows I know.

I have also told pretty much all of our friends and family, so unless he is telling "his version" they are all aware.

The problem here? The new "friends" he has been hanging out with. All of our really close friends no longer live in our city. I don't know that htye can help from half way across the world.

Am I going about this the right way?

I am scared to death about this.

I hear your fear...I remember it. I do.

I meant exposure to her family...alerting them that she is involving herself in your marriage...

I would advise to not prejudge who can help and who can't...regardless of where they live. God works...that's my believe...have to get out of his way, though.

Did you get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? That is like manual of what to do, explains a lot...and sets you on a path where you feel your fear, know it, and act anyway.

Helps to not talk yourself out of the challenge through DJs...believe it or not, they bust our love banks and others'.

Does she work with him? If they do, will you expose to their employer?

Find out all you can about OW...so you know better who to expose to.

This is a brave journey you can't lose...because if you take it on and grow from it, you win...no matter the outcome.

Have you gone through the EN questionnaire and filled it out to the best of your ability as if you were WH?

This helps target your Plan A...and it's great to fill it out for yourself, to aid you in identifying and meeting your own needs. Same for the Love Busters questionnaire.

I did something bold when I was in your place...I asked my WH for equal time. I didn't get...but I got some...enough...and I wouldn't have if I had DJ'd myself and not asked.

And the time I got I spent as RC time with him...which was very different...we had years of no RC.

That helped, I think.

We are far into recovery, MMH...and your screen name still jarred me...took me back to that fear-filled, longing and heartache. Right there for a moment. I do feel for you. I'm telling you what others told me when I got here...to eliminate my LB's...and mine, maybe you could already tell, were DJs...and that changed my whole life...and to this day, I am working eradicating those pesky buggers.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And thriving.

You can, too...with or without your partner. My goal was with...and I enlisted everyone I knew, without calculating if they could help or not...and my WH decided to go to MC with me, not to save our marriage...to figure out if he even wanted to try, or leave for OW.

That was his great choice...because the first thing MC said was that he could help WH make that decision, but only if he stopped seeing OW to eliminate that undue influence...which would keep him confused.

And WH did.

Read the threads here...so many have been in your very shoes...and know your fear, how deep and annihilating it can feel...know that's your experience right now. You are not annihilated...you're right here...whole and complete.

I promise.

LA

Today's new news.

I called WS this morning at work. I asked how he was doing and he replied okay. Then, told me he had to go he had a customer. Said he would call later.

I won't hold my breath.

Talked to a friend of ours. She too had called him at work to ask him about her car. Needed to bring it in. WS blew her off as well. So, she called his boss. Boss knows all about our sitch, adn told her that my WS has been that way for a few weeks.

I guess he isn;t as happy as he wants us to believe.

I typed up an email with everything I know about the A. Ended it with my feelings for him, and my commitment to our marriage. Sent it off.

Now, I wait.

I found a print online that I know my H would love. I bought it for him, and when it arrives, will bring it to him at work. (with a smile on my face)

My H is worth fighting for. The WS is a bump in the road right now.

MMH, r u still logging in? I'm quite confused with the dates, is this 2004? or 2007? Sigh...

Have you exposed this affair to everyone in your circle of friends and family?

Yes, I have. I have made sure everyone we know is aware.

Unfortunately, he is hanging around with his "new friends" and avoiding the ones that love him and care for him. This is where he met this girl.

Funny enough, one of his new friends had told me about 2 1/2 months ago about how much my husband loves me and how he has no fear of telling the world, and how lucky I am having someone who feels so strongly about me.(a comment that didn't surprise me in the least, because it isn't the first time I have heard it) A real friend would have tried to stop him, not condone this.

I expect I won't hear from him for awhile. Unless he gets wind ofthe fact that I have let others read my email... so tey know all of the facts.

I'm not quite sure if this is 2004? or 2007? I'm very interested with the topic and would like to respond but I may be too late to respond on this issue.

This is now. 2007. Real time for me.

bump

Today:

Had lunch delivered to WS.

Later this afternoon, had to call WS about our car insurance. He told me to come pick up some money to pay a few bills. Got to his work, and he was nice, willing to talk for a few minutes.

Took me outside and told me he has the parts for my car ordered, and told me about an issue with our other car.

I asked him a couple of questions about some other things, and noticed he had some sauce (from his lunch) on the corner of his mouth. I reached up to give it a wipe, he did not pull away. He also has grown a silly patch of hair right under his lip that he would never have before because he didn't like the look. (his new friend has the same thing)

I gave it a quick grab and said, "Oh, is this the new look for you?" and he asked if I liked it, so I replied, "You know the answer to that" Then I gave him a wink.

He asked me where I was moving to, and I replied I hadn't decided.

WS then said he had to go in because he had a customer at the counter, so he told me he would talk later.

I called WS' boss after I left. Talked to him about stuff for half an hour and he agreed that he would help me out because WS is not acting normal lately. Very, very moody... pretty uch miserable.

He is going to try and talk to him a little more about our sitch. He did say that when he first found out, he told WS that he is an idiot, and as a result doesn't think that WS will open up to him.

He will be puting more pressure on him now though. (as a friend)

Anyway... that's all I have to report today.

Oh, told WS I loved him and he once again didn't say anything.