Had p.i. check up on h while he was at a conference -all was on the up and up ...Had heard several voicemails for this woman about a month ago -one she said "i miss u" and several others that just sounded too familiar for an employee... Yesterday she left him voice "call when u have time to talk"-nothing about business
He just got home from conference last night and he could tell something was up ...he pressed til i had to ask him why she was leaving messages that didn't sound quite right.
he blew up. OF COURSE . i REALLY WASN'T ACCUSING HIM BUT IMPLYING that maybe this woman might have inappropriate feelings he acted dumbfounded and the whole thing really blew up - i slept on the couch
Now what - if it was u ,would u think his anger was justified ? or is the defensive attitude a sure sign that he was caught in something .
After an A 5 yrs. ago I'm not comfortable with this.
He says she's married but sooo what . should i drop it and keep my ears and eyes open .

Who is the woman and what did she want?

No, his anger was not justified and indeed a sure sign that something suspicious is going on. You have reason to be concerned and worried. The messages from the woman at his work is clearly not business related or indicates a professional relationship or even "just friends" relationship at all and the fact that your H acted so defensively further confirm my suspicion.

She is a sales rep. for him and he is head of sales. she lives in another state. as an employee she would have good reason to call if they are working on a deal but when she calls doesn't ever say "hi, it's blah blah" -with 100 sales people don't u think they all say hi this is so and so before leaving message .
he hasn't gotten up yet and worried about how this morning will play out -should i drop it for now
help

Well, it sounds to me like something is going on. If I were you, I would find out what.

He went on the offensive because he is hiding something. But this wont get you anywhere because you don't know what he is hiding yet. He went on the offense to scare you into silence and make you feel guilty for accusing him.

I agree, the messages do not appear to be appropriate at all. If he had an A 5 years ago, extra precautions should have been put in place to protect his marriage. The fact that you are uncomfortable should be taken into consideration by him, not the opposite.

I am more than suspicious, his behaviour is indicative of cheating behaviour.

My thought on continuing the discussion with him is: You don't have to at this time. If he does what they all do, which is Deny, Deny, Deny, then I would gather more proof. This may go further underground if your confrontation doesn't "kill" it. I doubt it will, honestly - workplace A's are ******.

If they have any "in-person" contact, your P.I. will catch it.

Is your P.I. still watching him?

No -P.I. is in Dallas(where conference was) and H is back home . She lives in NC and he hasn't been there since beginning of March . I was very surprised when P.I. watched him for 5 hrs. and NOTHING raised any flags .
Expecting him home any minute -don't know what to expect .

P.S. He says she's married -not that that makes any difference LOL . Can my P.I. find out all about her just by cell and home #'s...ie address, who owns the house ,marriage staus etc... I have a credit with him so should use it up -hate to waste the money my H worked sooo hard for LOL

Yes, if you have the phone numbers, addresses, or other info the P.I. can look up some details.

You can check to see what you can find as well at www.ultimatewhitepages.com and other search sites.

A reverse phone number lookup is available at places like www.anywho.com, www.infospace.com and others.

Wow. This just plain sucks. My question to you is, and please don't misunderstand me on this, what will you do if your FWH is again involved in either a EA or a PA?

I ask this because, that for me, is the greatest concern that I have as a BS. Recovery has been so elusive and dealing with the terrible hurt took such a toll on me, that I just can't imagine ever doing it again.

I guess I would feel that I had wasted the years following D-day 1. I think there have been a couple of threads here regarding what BS would do in the case of another A. I believe Bob Pure said "immediate divorce." I guess that would be the same for me. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life anticipating the next one.

Who

KHB,
You can get a real time GPS tracker and once claibrated, hide it in his car. You can then use this information to "target" the PI's time/place. PI's are about $50/hr and if your husband drives aggressively, they will need two to tail him, making it $100/hr.

My FWW used business trips to cover her hookups out of town with her OM. They lived in different states for a while and would meet about halfway when they wanted to get it on. If you are in the early stages of gathering info, and plan on using PIs the real time GPS will pay for itself.

I think this is dead on, like the saying goes - "the best defense is a good offense." That you hired a PI and have been detecting some "A-like" indicators has raised your alert level for good reason. Like you probably (unfortunately) remember from 5-6 years ago, your intuition is probably correct. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good advise to continue monitoring and map out a game plan should the worse be true.

V/r,
No Way

Well , we've not spoken since Sun. night .We both said some pretty ugly things ...he's usually the 1 to want to sit down and have a pow-wow but not this time . I keep wondering why ,when he was in Dallas and had the chance to hang with her ,he didn't Guess I'm second guessing myself. What if it's her wanting something more and since I intercepted 2 voicemails (and erased them LOL)he didn't really know - maybe just wishful thinking cause he had to know there was more attention then there should be and if that's the case why wouldn't he just say "well, i think u might be right - i didn't really accuse him of anything sexual(he's older and has diabetes so things aren't working like they used to ) but because of his issues with ED maybe he needs the attention to "feel his manlyhood" .
I'm babbling aren't I ??? LOL

Also ,when he's home everything is sooo normal - no dinners ,no late nights ,nothing- no reason to gps him . Next week I'm traveling to Ca. on a business trip with him . Sounds like a good life as I write it so why doesn't it feel like it - Maybe it's the A 5 yrs. ago - just can't get over it ???
Wondering if I'm being paranoid -maybe I should call her

P.S. had the p.i. do a check and she is married -got his name and went to their county property tax website (i did research when my taxes went up last year and brought up comps for my neighborhood) found their address by putting in his name and pulled up their tax records -it even had a pic of their house -that was an added bonus !
****** ,I could be a p.i. LOL

Sorry I didn't answer your question "what will I do if it is an A"- GREAT question ...If I get solid proof of even an EA I'm otta here . I love the man and we have a great time together and actually our family life is pretty great but can't and won't go through that again . The real losers will be my kids (D 18,S 17) It took my daugher a long time to get over other A and she told me the only reason she forgave him was that I forgave him .If he blows this ,she will have real trust issues with men down the road and I'm afraid I'll hate him for that .As for my son ,I sure dont want him to think this is the norm
I'm grown up and I will be fine but I'll never forgive him for messing with my kids -and I'd not badmouth him to them but they would form their own conclusions
Guess that was a LONG answer to a short question.
Thanks for all of your thoughts !! This site really got me over the hump 5 yrs ago- couldn't have recons. without it

khb5,

Thanks for answering my question. I have given this issue so much though over the past 3-years and my conclusion is pretty much the same as yours. It wouldn't take a full blown PA. Anything inappropriate, and I mean ANYTHING like internet chatting would be the end for us.

And you know something....I would be fine....or at least better than I would be if I stayed with him and had to live each day knowing that there was something seriously wrong with him.

We have a good life together. I have a great career with an excellent salary and will be retiring completely in two years. My FWH is a free lance writer and works from home so two years from now, we will have the freedom to travel and play.

He would be a fool to blow that. Yet, at this point, I am not sure that he won't. But if he does, too bad for him. I will continue on without him.

I sure hope that this situation turns out to be nothing and you and your FWH live happily ever after. Keep your "dar" up.

I still check up on my H frequently which is easy because he spends 99% of his time sitting in his home office at his computer.

Who

We sound like we're definitely in the same boat !! We are a few years from the big pay-off and I think he'd be a fool to blow it now also but sometimes think he just doesn't get it .
Does he know you're checking up on him ? If so ,is he fine with that ? Also, how long was his A and how did it end and how long have u been in R ?

khb5,

Just a quick response right now. I have been in mandatory training all day and am on lunch break right now.

We never discuss anything about the affair or the OW anymore so I'm not sure if he knows that I am reviewing what sites he frequents on the internet and both incoming and outgoing calls on his cell phone. I also carefully look at the incoming calls at home and research any numbers I don't recognize.

His PA lasted around 8-months, but I am pretty certain that the EA which preceeded it may have begun as much as 2 years before the PA. OW was a college classmate who had been living in Paris until spring 2001. FWH hired her as a free lance writer for a publication he was running so they had consistent business contact.

She divorced in summer 2002 and FWH never mentioned it so I suspect that at the very least they were already in an inappropriate EA then.

The PA began about 4 years ago RIGHT NOW and continued until Late Nov, early Dec 03. Supposidly, he ended just prior to me accidently finding credit card receipts that made it real clear what he had been up to. A 10- minute look at his laptop confirmed who OW was.

The A had died a natural death by around month 4 or 5, but OW held on using threats, hysteria, begging......until FWH started to hate her.

NC was immediate and I guess R started shortly after D-day....still has been hard.

I gotta go back to class....have a good day.

Who