TH I was reading your old post and I have to say a lot of the things you were saying sound just like I feel. I want to know how did you get over the feelings of wanting to leave I struggle with that as well as my H not really wanting to work on the R because he feels like everything is ok. I am just tired. I think it's why something told you to post I needed to talk to someone who has been where I am and has worked things out. Please help and welcome back.

Dig,
Your exhaustion comes through in your post.

I remember being frantic about wanting to know the WHY of the affair. I was panicked because I believed if we couldn't find out WHY it happened, we couldn't fix anything. I was desperate to fix something. I thought it would be my "insurance" against another A ever happening. It terrified me to think that we could amble along in the same old rut (whatever that was) and end up in the exact same place.

I haven't dug up your posts yet so I don't know your story but I wanted you to know I saw your post and I'll be back with more.

In my own case, DH casually looked up an old high school sweetie. Truly nothing more than curiosity. Unfortunately, her account in his love bank was still full to overflowing. He said he felt like those cartoons where a piano falls out of a window.

Over time, as his actions showed me that he was interested in protecting our M, I began to also trust his words about the EA. And now I totally believe him. I don't think there was anything to "fix" in our M. Now that we have been so close to losing it, we value it more than ever and are staunchly vigilant and protective of it.

I'm going to go read your story. I'll be back.

Thank you TH I really appreciate your and everyone else's help and I am looking forward to your reply.

I guess I am desprerate for answers because I am scared. I was able to dodge the bullet this time but I don't know if I can the next time if my H still is unwilling to meet my EN's and that does make me frantic.

Ack! Ack! I had The World's Greatest Reply (and lengthiest) typed up and I fat fingered something and closed my browser. Ack! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Here we go again...


I think the reason my posts resonated with you is because we feel/felt many similar things (correct me if my perception is wrong):
- afraid of losing the marriage
- afraid that the M is "as good as it gets"
- frustration at not being heard



Several changes helped me immensely; I think they pertain to your situation as well.

1. I quit focusing on how he wasn't meeting my ENs. I kept telling him my ENs and whenever I perceived that he failed to meet them I brooded over that. I did this as a self-protective mechanism. I set him up to fail, focused on his failure, then I could blame him for any pain or problems.

2. I focused on the good things. I learned what his ENs were and his Love Language and when he met one of "his" ENs for me, or spoke to me in "his" Love Language I learned to recognize it as his way of loving me.

An Example: I was reading through some old love letters and cards he'd sent me when we were dating. At first I was resentful and grief stricken because he'd spoken so eloquently and prettily when we were dating, but all that ceased into our marriage. Well, we lived in different cities when we were dating. No need to write letters or cards after we were living in the same place. So instead of harping on him about how "I wish you'd write me pretty letters and cards, like you did when we were dating" I went to him and told him I'd been reading some old cards and letters from him, and that they made me feel loved and cherished. I gave him a hug and thanked him for them.

Another example: One day when I was in class he came and changed the burned out headlight on my car, and left the empty bulb wrapper on the driver's seat (so I'd know he'd done it). At first I thought "That was sweet, but I REALLY wish he'd just taken the time to get me a mushy card...." I modified my line of thinking to be "That was really sweet of him to interrupt his activities, go out where my class was (with his tools at the ready) and change my headlight, and leave the wrapper as a surprise."

Later I began to realize how HUGE this was. Focusing on HOW he said what he said allowed me to realize that his Love Language is "Acts of Service". I began noticing all the things (big and small) he does for me and our family. He really loves us!!! I also tried to incorporate some acts of service into the way I relate to him, so he'd hear my messages of love. Even though I don't drink coffee, I get up and make coffee every morning and wake him with a fresh cup.


There was more in my original post, but basically it helped me to quit focusing on all the things that were wrong, and all the disappointments, and how lonely I was, and to begin focusing on all the good things, and instead of forcing me to love me MY way, I learned to appreciate the way he naturally loves me.

I agree with this so much. Yes I focus on what he is not doing and the things he does do and I get more bent out of shape over him not giving me the things I need from him.

The things he does for me are the things my parents did for me and I never felt loved by them either. I want to hear him tell me how the things I do for him please him. Why is this such a big deal for me and I crazy for wanting to run away because I don't feel apprecaited for all that I contribut to the family. I think I need that reasurrance more than ever because he hurt me deeply once by telling me that anybody could do the small things around our house. Like it doesn't matter one way or the other and I think because he doesn't acknowledge all that I do that he really feels like I am worthless. How can I get over this?

It sounds to me like one of your top ENs is admiration. You want to hear that your efforts are appreciated. When he said "anybody" could do the small things around the house, it hit you in the gut.

I find that my top ENs and my Love Language can contribute the most points to my love bank, and they can also make the biggest withdrawals when they are used to attack me. That's not quite right but I can't think of a way to phrase it. When your ENs are turned against you, you know?

When he says something like that to you, tell him how it makes you feel! Don't accuse him with "You never appreciate me..." because "you" statements are counter productive. They are usually a DJ. Instead, use "I" statements. "When I hear that anyone can do the little things around the house, I feel small and unimportant. I want, more than anything, to be an important part of your life. That remark really stung." That's really all you can do.

Either he'll eventually hear what you're saying, or he'll use this knowledge to further bait and torture you. You can't control that. All you can do is step back (metaphorically) for a moment, take a deep breath, and approach the situation with calmness and assertiveness. It's okay to just stand there for a second and gather your thoughts before you speak. Turning "You" statements into "I" statements takes practice.

You can also keep your radar out for little compliments he gives you. When he praises you, give him a big smile and a hug and TELL him "Thanks for letting me know. I really want to do things that please you." and do more of whatever solicited the compliment.

From what I've read thus far yes, I think you're crazy for wanting to run away because you don't feel appreciated. This can change. You can learn to hear his appreciation for you.

I had a long reply to this and hit a button and have to start over. Give me a few.

Last my H and I had a long talk. We watched Tyra and the show was talking about how children can't be children because they are trying to be sexier at younger ages. They said it is happening at such a faster rate because of the way our society objectifies women. To avoid this happening we have to treat our children with respect and teach them to respect themselves and others. Also to give them plenty of positive attention so they won't act out and try and get it the wrong way.

I knew he was thinking about what they said because he was being quiet after it went off and I asked him to share with me what he got from the show. He said he got that we should treat our children with respect and that sometimes I don't and I asked how and he said that you ask them questions and then answer them for them like I do with him and I said I am sorry and I know I have a problem with that and I am working on it. I told him it is such a habit that I may need his help realizing when I am doing it.

Then I asked him if he thought that he spent enough time with the older children and he said he didn't know. That he had been spending more time with the children watching t.v. and I said that that is wonderful but maybe they can do something more interactive like he asked me to do and I asked what does he like doing with them and he said he didn't know. I told maybe he could try different things with them until they find something they all enjoy. I told him that his R with them is more important than mine because he set the precident in all of their furture R with men and they would find men that treat them the way he does. Then he said he would try but he didn't know if he would have the time and I told him that if it was something he wanted to do he would find time. Then he said that if he spent more time with the big ones that he would have to spend less with the little ones and I would fuss about that. I asked if he had any proof of that and he said no. I asked him to try and see if that's the case first then before he assumes this. I said maybe he could try reading to them since they like that or something that he picks as long as he does something because they are growing up fast and you don't want to look back in regret.

Then I asked why he didn't like going out with us as a family and he said it is more trouble than it's worth and I asked why and he said because he always gets stuck with the stroller or having to watch someone and I said if it's that way it's because that's the way he wants it to be because he could choose to split the responsblity with me so we could all have fun but when I try and help he doesn't let me. I told him I take all the kids out by myself all the time and we have fun. I went to the zoo with them all and we had fun together. I said just because he thinks it's going to be a hassle doesn't mean it will be but because of that attitude he will think it is one no matter what and that's not fair to any of us. I told him I want someone to go out with us as a family so we can have fun as one. I don't like going out without him all the time. I said we use to have fun together out all the time now we hardly do anything outside of the house togehter and miss that. He said he wanted to take us to the aquairum saturday but he forgot about the boy's party and sunday he wanted to rest. I said we can go this sat and he said ok.

So we will see. I feel much better after we talked. He told me he thinks I am hard to talk to. I told him sometimes I feel the same way about him but I do it anyway because I know I have to and I told him he should do the same because we can't have a R without it. I told him I think that is why God put us together because we both have to learn how to do things we find difficult to do so we can grow together. I feel much closer to him today. I am happy for that.

I forgot to add this. I asked why when I told I felt like I was falling in love with him again did he stop doing the things that were causing those feelings and he smiled and did not answer but hunched his shoulders

I'm glad you feel closer.

I have an exercise for you.
Go through your post (the long one from today) three times. Each time, I want you to look for something different.

1 - How many 'you' statements did you use and how could you have used 'I' statements instead?
2 - How many times did you criticize him (directly or by suggesting he might do X differently)?
3 - How many times did you find something to appreciate, and let him know?

You don't have to post your findings. I'd like to hear what you think when you're done, though.

Ok I have done what you've asked and I see where I could have changed my approach to deal with the situation but I have to say after this convo last night my H seems alot happier as well as me. So even though I understand I still have work to do learning to communicate I know after this talk we are both in a better place because of it.

As far as the critizing I think some critcism can be constuctive and I think this is the case here. He know I wasn't just nagging him and I know he wasn't just nagging me but we were talking together for the good of our children.

What do you suggest I do differently in the furture? Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I did tell my H I can tell he has been making more of an effort and I really appreciate it. I didn't post everything we talked about because what I had already post was long enough but I was more appreciative to him then what I wrote but still I see your point.

What would I suggest you do differently in the future?

Use 'I' statements.
Thank your husband more and focus on his good qualities.
Quit trying to make him act the way you think is best and trust that he will do well on his own.

You're right, there can be constructive criticism. In a marriage it is much better phrased with 'I' statements or respectful requests.

How do you know he knows you weren't just nagging? How is nagging different from what you did? You don't need to answer that, just think about it.

I don't know but the best way to find out is to ask him and I will when I get the chance. Did I come off as making demands of him. I am sorry but he is the one who told me I need to do more with the kids than just watch T.v. how is that ok for him and not me? Even when he told me that I was doing way more with them than watching t.v. I help them with their homework. I change most of the diapers. I read to each of them. I play with them I bathe them. I cook for and clean up after them and him. I buy the groceries with all the kids with me to give him time to himself. I get them ready for bed and tuck them in. I get their clothes ready for school. I go to the functions and meetings at school for them. I help them with their school fund rasiers. I get up with them in the middle of the night. I clean up the vomit when they are sick. I take them to the dr to get their shots, when they are sick and to get their physicals. I take them to the dentist. If they are sick at school I am the one that picks them up. He doesn't help me do any of this unless I ask and then he never lets me live it down.

My H thinks that because he works and brings home the money and that we live comfortably that he doesn't have to engage more with the kids he told me that's my job and that's why don't have one outside of the house. I feel like these kids are for both of us and I should not have to be the one to take care of them all by myself. If I get a job that makes enough money to support or household why would I need him? I am tired I am tired of asking for his help. The kids could be sitting right beside him and they will get up and come find me to ask me can they have a snack or whatever my oldest DD doesn't want to have much to do with him at all. I need help. One day all of the kids were all crying and asking for something for me at the same time and he was sitting right there and I was trying to fix breakfast but do you think he asked if I needed help no? This is what drives me crazy. He goes out of his way for the people at his job and I have to do it all here. If I am going to live like a single parent way not be one?

Also I thank my H for all the things he does here everyday.

TH I talked to DH last night and he said he didn't feel like I was nagging him and that he is happy I talked to him and that he is feeling closer to me because of it and that he can tell how much it meant to me because I seemed closer to him and I told him I was and I feel the same way as him.

We have our days and I have to say the last few have been really good.

Ok I need suggestions. Thursday is our 8th anniversary and I could use some ideas. If anyone has suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

bump

bump for Marsh

Ok, real quick...



I don't think there is such a thing as constructive criticism.

I think there is sharing. And there is feedback.

You are already weighed down by the burden of four children...why treat your H as if he were another child?

Haven't you noticed how exhausting it is to be judging and correcting your children?

Stop correcting your H.

Accept him as he is.

And let him be responsible for the choices he makes.



It's ok to say," I'm really tired/busy right now, why don't you go ask Daddy/older sibling if he/they can help you?"


Ahhhh, the joys of motherhood! LOL

Why didn't you ask him to take care of the kids needs while you fixed breakfast?

Or ask him if he'd like to finish getting breakfast so you could take care of the kids?



Did YOU ask him for his help?

See the two way street?

~ Marsh

Look at the other 2 I bumped up for you. If you have time. Thank you for your help. I do ask for help but when I do he gripes and moans and I end up not wanting to do it often and I think that is his intent.