Litte background.

My FWW has an acquaintance through work. She lives in the same complex as us and her son and our son play together.

She is Divorced. So she seems to attract Married Men. She is currently in an on and off relationship with a separated man.

He isn't divorced but they are separated and living apart. This I know to be true.

She has asked our advice and my advice is simple "You are dating a married man what do you expect? A non drama filled life." The coach of her son's baseball team has hit on her, he is married as well.

Anyway this weekend my FWW was pondering aloud her "friend" and why she seaminly had married men coming on to her and why her friend was attracted to them.

I said simply "For an insecure person what better ego stroke is there? Think about it the married person is chosing the OP over their own spouse. In a sense the OP is being validated as better then someone you chose to marry."

Then I thought that would also hold true with an ego centric person.

Just me thinking out loud. Not that an OP needs to be stuck up for here but I wonder how many WS actually Prey on the OP.

I am not making excuses for an OP here but I think about my FWW's OM and he had nothing to offer her. I really believe she used him as an ego stroke and a way to rebel against me. I mean after her A when things were going bad I would say well you always have OM to fall back on. Her response was always, "He is a loser, you don't think if I left you I could do better then him?" For a while that bothered me of course because why do it?

But in return he got what he wanted. A big ego stroke.

Just a thought. I get really down on the OP's here but now I wonder if they are just in a bad place and they are the prey.

My opinion on this frog...The OP and the WS are TWO very "soul sick" individuals preying on one another...

Mrs. W

Well said, and true I think. My FWH's OW was a BIG Girl, completely not his type. She was several inches taller than him and much, much heavier than him. Her feet were even several inches longer than his. She was unkept, maintained poor hygiene, and was whiney and needy.


But...... she worshipped him, constantly told him he was the most successful, handsome, manly-man stud she had ever met. I can only imagine that he knew it was mostly unwarranted flattery being used to get him into an inappropriate relationship with her, but he needed the ego boost at the time.

She, I am certain, was thrilled at the prospect of my FWH betraying me with her. Over time, she really began to see herself as a real dude magnate, the prize of all babes, when really all she was was an available, piece of a$$.

When I spoke to her following d-day, I told her that men never leave women like me for women like her....she was stunned, but I know that all of a sudden, she knew that her dreams of him leaving me for her were complete fantasy.

Both FWH and OW fed on each others sad, pathetic need for an ego boost. Both of them suffered a long, hard, well deserved, fall back to the real world.

In many ways, waywards really are just plain dumb!

Who

Mrs W.

I like your thinking. It takes two to tango. I just have been looking at this from all angles and I thought wow I have some harsh things to say about OP's, but now I wonder.

Yes the OP is broke or "soul sick". Wonder how many OP's were a willing party based on their problems.

Instead of the WS being the willing party based on their problems.

All I can say about this woman that your wife is friendly with is she should consider herself lucky that she doesn't know me.

I'm pretty blunt when it comes to infidelity NOW. I show no mercy to those who think that it's in ANY way okay to spend time with someone who is married, I don't care how needy you or THEY are.

Now, as for the ego boost, it goes both ways. I'm SURE that my WH has 'prayed' on this OW, but she is happily obliging, because he persued HER, he wants HER.

Most romantic relationships start out this way, don't they? One of these romantics idiots, in this situation, is married, and you cannot escape that fact, especially once the thrill is gone.

So if not her then who? See I think I am resigned to the fact my FWW was going to have an A. He just happened to be there.

I don't necessarily blame him. I of course blame her.

To your point though she was below him?

Same with my FWW's OM. Below her.

I too blame FWH more than OW. She was divorced, had no career, two very young children and was unattractive too.

FWH chose her because she was available and very willing. He wanted one thing, she wanted the whole deal. Either she was completely in fantasy land, or he lied to her....probably a bit of both.

I also think he figured there was no chance that he would even be tempted to leave me for her. He was embarrassed to be seen with her. When she joined him on business trips (she live 3000 miles away from us) he would make her stay in the room so no one would see her. He would go to business social events and dinners and make her order room service.

I am curious frog, your d-day was before mine, but recovery didn't start until last Nov????

Who

You got it.

Kinda sad actually. But we are through it now. Had to give the plan FU.

No Radical HOnesty, Alcoholism lots of things.

Las Nove I finally gave up and she decided to comitt to do whatever it took for as long as it took.

I actually posted the extended version somewhere else.

I was neither soul-sick nor problem ridden. I ended up that way though. He lied to me about his marital status for 8 months. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't have gone out with him if I knew, (and I wouldn't have) and that he thuoght by the time I found out he would have been divorced and it wouldn't matter. He was/is a very sick individual.

I have to say I got no ego stroke from that experience, in fact it almost destroyed whatever self-respect and self-esteem I did have.

I think the problem Frog, is trying to find who the right person to place the blame on is...it probably doesn't even matter who is mostly to blame, as it hurts all whether they willingly chose it or not.

I can't for the life of me see how messing around with a married person or cheating on your spouse could be an ego stroke. It would have to be an ego belonging to an incredibly immature and short sighted individual...junior high level mentality.

I believe that in far more of the cases, the OP/MP just has poor boudaries and find themselves in an affair before they even realize what they are doing.

Most single people I know have no desire to mess around with married people, they are brighter than that and have more self-respect. (In response to some previous posts of yours) Of course then you get people like your neighbor friend who have some serious issues, and really need to stop and think about what they are doing.

In my case after finding out I had to go into a six week counseling workshop as I could barely function and could not even take care of my own daughter. I remember remarking to the counselor that the world would be a lot better place if married people would keep their problems within their own marriage.

Or sometimes, they think that an affair will actually be an easy fix, that they can just do it and still keep the rest of their lives the same. They simply have no idea how far reaching infidelity is. It affects their entire lives...they do know what they are doing wrong, they just can't talk to anyone about what they should do once they start.

And, it is so much easier to enter into an affair than it is to end it. They are forever changed by the experience.

Who

I think so, too.



Yep.

Of course it is an ego stroke. Even at a junior High school level.

I am not trying to find the right person to blame. I am saying in a lot of cases I really beleive the OP is not the person they are made out to be.

In your case you were the Prey the OM lied and took advantage of you.



I agree on the boundaries part. I will use my FWW's friend as an example, she is very outgoing and somewhat flirtatious(sp) seemingly has no problem being buddy, buddy with married men. OOPS. Why do married men that are willing to stray seem attracted to her.

To be honest she is an easy target for men. Low self respect. I also believe she is an alcoholic. So these guys put some alcohol in her and boom.

I am not trying to blame anyone. I am actually trying to do the opposite. I am trying to say maybe we always assume that The OP is a ...... insert your own derogatory term in that spot.



The OP can talk about the A. I personally know two men that had A's with married women. Both of them talked about it.

To be honest the one friend, now that I think about it liked the fact she was M'd.

That did answer my ego stroke question I forgot about him. LOL.

That alone says alot about these men. But, I do still believe that many OP, even tho they somehow "justify" their actions are very careful whom they discuss their actions with.

The OW in my sitch was a college class mate of my FWH from way back. She was divorced and confided to another (never married)female class mate who was also a friend of my FWH. OW expected that this GF would encourage her and take her side. Didn't happen. Instead GF told OW that she was making a big mistake and that there was almost no chance FWH would leave me for her.

OW's version of that advise when she conveyed it to FWH, GF thinks you should leave WhoMe, because you would be so much better off.

FWH did confide to an unmarried male friend of his about his A after he tried to end it and OW started to threaten to expose to me.

This friend told him that he had already made a really big mistake and that staying involved with OW would only make things worse. He also told FWH that OW was "very dangerous" and that FWH would ultimately have to tell me about the A.

Who

Because she fills some kind of E/N for them, and because she is willing. They wouldn't be attracted to a dead-end, stop sign.

You know, maybe it is an ego stroke for some, but surely you see the shallow, short-lived stroke that it would be? Self-esteem comes from within, and only after practicing self-respect.

People who have self-respect don't go looking for ego strokes from inappropriate R's. They know that in the long run it would cause harm to themselves.

All the years I worked in bars/clubs I saw the people come in looking for ego-strokes...it's a fruitless, never ending search. Kind of like a drug that never really replaces the underlying lack of nutrition that causes the problem in the first place.

Who,

Yes it did say a lot about them. In both cases I told them it was wrong and I didn't want to hear about them.

I am not saying the the OP sit around discussing it all the time. I am saying that it isn't as gaurded a secret as most would think.

I know the OM in my case went right to work and told his buddies he nailed a married women. "His actual words." My FWW of course so he didn't try to keep it secret.

Weaver,

Funny I forgot about my bar/restaraunt experience. I can't tell you how many affairs I witnessed.

With her there is an EN she is filling that is for sure!!!!!

Whatever EN they want filled she could fill for a short period of time.

But again the WS had an EN that might not have been communicated to the bS.

My point is that I don't think the OP is always the letch we make them out to be.

I don't pity the OM. I don't feel sorry for him. I don't blame him. I don't even hate him. My FWW betrayed me.

But when I see this woman she needs help. My FWW is trying to get her to go to AA with her. She needs IC, she just isn't healthy right now.

IMVHO if you talk to her for a short period of time you can see that. I almost feel sorry for her in that I think these guys are taking advantage of her.

But in my opinion it is an ego stroke for her.