I have been married for nearly 2 years.

I have played in bands for the past 15 years of my life. When I started dating my wife I was in a band but things started to slack off. My wife and I were together for 2 years before we got married and have been married now for nearly 2 years. Recently we have started a new band and everything is going great.

My wife is giving me a seriously hard time about the situation though. We practive 2 nights a week and she is telling me that it is too excessive. She gets totally bent out of shape now when any show comes up that we play. I asked her if she is forcing me to make a choice between her or playing in a band. She says no, but she wants me to practive only 2 times per month and play a show once or twice a year.

I try to explain to her that it is something I love to do, something I have done my whole life, but she isn't supportive of it at all.

So I'm really upset over this because the guys in my band who I've known since high school are dissappointed in me because jamming is all of a sudden a big problem for me, and my wife is pulling at me from the other direction not wanting me to play at all.

I'm basically getting to the point where I am starting to rethink what's going on in my life. I love my wife, but I feel that if I have to give up playing music I might be miserable with that choice.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this or knows anyone that has. I would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

Welcome, space, to MarriageBuildes...

You aren't alone...there have been quite a few spouses on this website with a passion hobby...

Have you read all the articles on this website (links to the right of your screen), about the four rules of marriage? An important one is Policy of Joint Agreement...POJA.

Did you both enthusiastically agree for you to start up a new band?

Can you also see where she is passionate about your marriage, wanting it to be her number one priority...and you aren't being supportive at all?

You guys can meet in the middle...do you want to disappoint the guys in the band or your lose your marriage? It really will come down to that...because choosing to continue with the new band really means your top priority is your band, not your marriage. Won't happen over night...will happen. We live our priorities...and I'm not coming from a wifey point of view here...not siding by gender. I'm recognizing you did this...and weren't in one while you courted, fell in love and the first two years of marriage.

You vowed for a lifetime to your wife...doesn't mean what she says goes...you're each half of the marriage. You can search for "band" threads, musicians...heck, "cars" "running" "hunting" lots of sports which are partners' passions...

How close they were to losing or lost their marriages...how much regret they have because of it...and how hard they worked to get it back, when too late, they realized what their real priorities were.

We choose our lives in every moment...right now, you're seeing her as your enemy...and she remains your partner. She's fighting for her marriage...knowing the odds are stacked against you both...how much care and attention is necessary to get to thriving. Read about the other rules, also...of radical honesty (which I believe you are being with your wife), the rule of time and protection...

Understand all her concerns...her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions...which is knowing her...intimacy through sharing and being shared with. It's not one or the other...it's where you put it on your priority order...and where you want your whole life to go, not just your music.

Fear gets us into our inner child...where we think it's all or nothing...we have an automatic perspective of all or nothing...not real in our adult experience. You're not crazy and you're not wrong.

You may want to post over in Emotional Needs forum, though. This is about ENs...yours and hers. And it gets a bit more traffic than Resolving Conflict. These forums aren't hard and fast for subject...Infidelity: General Questions II gets the most traffic.

Is this your first marriage? Her first marriage? Any children?

Thank you for being here...for being brave and posting...I think your marriage is a high priority to you.

LA

Thanks for the reply. I have not read any of the articles yet so I think I will do some research. This is a first marriage for us both and we do not have children yet.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you for reading...widening your knowledge will affect your perspective.

Did you guys plan on having children? I noticed the "yet" part...and can you see where any wife would have a problem, not just your wife, if she felt bypassed, or the marriage wasn't your top priority?

We don't really replace people in this life...so working this through to where you both are enthusiastic goes a long ways in learning how to parent as one (not called parentsing)...POJA is amazing...ups intimacy and unites you as the partners you are.

Did you fear getting married? Was it something you really longed for or just thought was next? I ask because the fear of being controlled isn't real...and it sure feels absolutely real. You can't be controlled. No human being truly can.

Unravelling that experience from reality is a journey worth taking, IMO. Helps in all relationships...in every direction.

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I would love to see you both have a thriving marriage.

LA

I'm wondering why the W is giving you a hard time right now. Playing 2 nites/week doesn't sound too excessive to me. Is something happening with her right now to make her so reactive to you? I would think that since you've played in a band for so long and when you were seeing her that she realized it was a passion for you.
Are you giving her what she needs on those days when you're not playing in the band ?
Seems really unfair that she's not supporting you.