Wife dropped bomb 8/11/06. Said she was depressed, I was causing it, we need to get D now counseling will not help. Said there wasn't anybody else, I BELIEVED HER, DUMB, DUMB, DUMB. I went to counseling alone, corrected my behavior. We started to get along, then 1st of year she reverted back to her old self. I finally got on her work email 1st of month and found out she and fellow worker that is getting D are very friendly and their dinner/lunch/drinking dates fit her mood with me. Started in June of 06. She broke if off with him for 2 months and that is when we got along. Started back up in Jan full speed. My C said tell her it is either him or us and give her 48 hrs to make up her mind. I plan on confronting her this weekend and I talked to an attorney but I would like other's opinion on how to handle this. I want to give my marriage the best chance to survive this. I have been in house entire time. I have read SAA and not sure it really addresses how to confront them after they have already asked for a divorce for a different reason or so they say.

Maui Mike,

Well, welcome to MBs, a place that I wish I never had the need to be here, and I am sure you feel the same way. I can only tell you that the way in which I confronted was to print off everything from the emails so that I had a hard copy. I put it in a manilla envelope along with my wedding ring and waited for him get the hint, which he did at about 2:30 a.m. on 3/13/06. I still remember hearing him saying "Oh my God, Oh my God" as if God could change what had just happened. Anyway, here I am 13 months later, still married, wearing my ring, and running the gammut of feelings between what the he)) was I thinking, to I am so lucky to have him. Rough place to be in.

So, back to you. I strongly believe in the fact that it is difficult to deny when the truth is staring you right in the face. Confront her. Present the information. Then I guess you plan A or plan B. You've read the information. Personally, I think that the book "After the Affair" by Dr.Janis Abrahms Spring is much more helpful. It helped me to understand how my H's upbringing resulted in his decisions and his thinking, however, he doesn't want to understand anything. He just wants to forget.

I don't know if I could have Plan A'd or Plan B'd the way that Dr. Harley recommended. If my H had not demonstrated remorse and dedication to our M, I wouldn't be here (or he wouldn't, since she is 1000 miles away--at our previous home town). But, as I think through my situation, my H went through the same stuff as your W. (Man this isn't easy, is it???) I read the emails. I know that he told her that he loved her. I know that he told her that he hated sleeping with me. I know that he told her that they should have run away together. I know that he said the sex was INCREDIBLE with her. All fog. Fog. Fog. Fog. But still painful, nonetheless.

Guess I am just trying to tell you that there are no easy answers. Confront her with concrete facts. Confront her with the truth. Tell her that you love her but that you won't play second to anyone......that you deserve better. If I were in your place I would say, the kids and I are going to move on with our lives and try to maintain normalcy, whatever that may be, and if you change your mind, we may or may not be here. Tell her that she doesn't deserve you. Tell her you don't deserve to be treated like this....in fact no one does. Figure it out, but know this.....she MUST establish NC. For your own peace of mind, make her write a NC letter. The fog eventually lifts/fades. The stupdity disipates. But you have to know that this was not your fault. Let me say that again...THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I wish you the best. I pray that things come out well for you and your M. But know that there are many who have experienced what you are going through and are surviving. Notice I don't say flourishing. I don't say "are better off" and I don't say "are stronger for it"....fact is that even after a year, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't still think about his A's. I guess one important thing that IS better is that I don't cry as much as I used to. I GUESS that's a step forward.

Take care and know that you are in my prayers. If you want to touch base on a regular basis via email, my email is on my profile. I don't check this website very often, however, one thing that I try to do is help others--especially when I am feeling down or alone as a result of his A's. Take care and be blessed.

SS

Get all your proof and if she doesn't end the affair, expose to her family, friends, OMW, and HR at her work. They all get angry when you do this for a few weeks, but you would be amazed at how effective it is at killing the affair.

Thank you both for your advice. I guess one of my problems is that in none of these emails mention anything except meeting for dinner or drinks. I do know for a fact she has been to his apartment but there is never any mention of any sexcapades. It appears that is a EA but of course they may play it down since it is their work email. Either way it is all the same to me. I know I have had my head up my a$$ for this entire ordeal.
If anybody could give me some more ideas I would really appreciate it.

Mike, your best bet is to confront her and tell her you have evidence of her affair and ask her to end all contact with the OM. You don't have to produce evidence to prove what you both know is true. Tell her you know, don't ASK HER.

Ask her to end her affair and end all contact wtih the OM by sending him a no contact letter. If she works with him, ask her to give her notice.

She will probably resist this. In that case, you would want to expose the affair. Expose it at work, to her parents, your parents, the OM's parents and your children. Your children very much need to know the truth. Don't tell her you are going to do this. Forewarned is forearmed.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposing it will kill it or at the least, hasten its death. It is no fun to be bad when everyone is watching.

I would not move out of your house under any circumstances. Make it clear to her that you will not be part of any divorce schemes and will not cooperate AT ALL. You will try to maintain the house and full custody of the kids if it goes that far, though. She needs to understand that you will not bend over and be her "friend" in any divorce scheme.

Talked to him today about confronting cheating wife, he gave me great advice on how not to be confrontational, just lay out the facts about the breakdown of our marriage, do not be argumentative, etc..then he says DO NOT MENTION OTHER MAN! Wait until after she makes her decision because this could be a very hot subject with you both! Gee no [censored], that is what this is all about right? C say no you guys had problems before or this wouldn't of happened. I agree with that but I told him that was not going to happen, the girls need to know if she leaves the reason why. He said yes AFTER she makes her decision let her know about him.
Now he has me wondering if he is right but everything I read here tells me let them know.
Please help as this weekend I will be talking to her about this.

M_M,

Does she have a cell phone?? Can you check her billing records? All outgoing calls should be on there.

Do you know any other people at her work that you could have a discussion with?

A voice activated digital recording device could be place in her office or her car.

""I do know for a fact she has been to his apartment but there is never any mention of any sexcapades.''

If she has been to his apartment...then...well gosh...I..umm..really don't think it is just an EA. Do you?

Stay strong and while you are snooping start plan Aing your a$$ off.

kirk

M_M,

Sounds like you have a non-confrontational therapist.

OR HE IS NUTS!!

IMHO.

Well, of course you should mention the other man, you can't very well bring up the affair without mentioning him. To think otherwise is downright silly. You can't very well solve a problem if you don't address it openly and honestly. If you don't start bringing it up and combatting her affair, she will make the WRONG DECISION and choose the OM.

If the Titantic is sinking, you don't yak about the peeling paint in the girls bathroom, do you? Your ship is sinking and the first step in saving the ship is OPEN,HONEST communication about the REAL PROBLEM. All those other marital problems cannot even begin to be addressed until you stop the affair. If the end of the affair does not take place, there will no recovery.

This is one reason why marriage counseling is USELESS when one is in an active affair, the other partner is NOT WILLING to address marital problems because they have CHECKED OUT. Oh sure, a fogged out WS will blame her affair on marital problems [almost always exaggerated out of all proportion] but not for the purposes of RECOVERY, but for purposes of RATIONALIZATION. So if you start focusing on exaggerated marital problems, that the WS has no intention of honestly addresssing, you only SERVE her rationalization. AT YOUR EXPENSE.

So, get the Titantic RIGHTED and THEN you will have a ship to paint. But until the sinking is stopped, there is nothing to paint.

ML and krusht,
Thanks for your input. I misspoke when I said I talked to C about confronting my wife. I told him I was going to "talk" to her about us and how she needed to make a decision and I needed some ideas on how to bring this up in an adult manner and not bring up all the hurt she has caused me since that really isn't the issue. I then told him at the end of session there is no way if we D I will let my daughters think they have caused this I will make sure W tells them and I will tell her that when I talk to her and that is when C freaks on me and says that is not a good idea. After 8 months with this guy it is the first thing he has ever said that I have questioned.

But I still have to go with what I read on here and SAA. I have to let her know I know and this is not acceptable. I have already done plan A 7 months ago before I even found this site. This was with the help of my C which has given me great advice up until yesterday.

As far as snooping, I have done it all. I am sorry to admit I have done pretty much everything that was mentioned on this site even before I read it. That is how I know she was seeing him before she asked for a D and how she quit seeing him to give our M another try and now back to seeing him. I have a spread sheet that has all phone calls, dinner, emails, etc..

So I am going to stick with input I have read here and SAA and my gut feeling. I am open for anymore more ideas on how to approach this and how NOT TO DO IT, right now any and all advice would be appreciated.