Here's the short version...my wife left me when I went to Iraq for a very foolish and inconsiderate thing. During this time, we agreed to try and reconcile when I got home. Got home, found out she'd been cheating with a fellow military member. Says it ended, but no reconciliation for me. She continued to see him at parties and bars and at somepoint they reignited their relationship.

I took this for a little while, supporting her financially and attempting dialogue on reconcillation. I bought Dr. Phils book for each of us, and I actually read/followed it.

Today was the day, i went through the Relationship Rescue template and attempted to get an agreement to start fresh. She didn't buy it, I told her it was because she was addicted to her affair. I also told her a little bit about PLAN A and that I was going to hold the door open, offer forgiveness etc but she needed to end the affair. She said no, so I reported the incident to his command who is none to happy. She says her friends and family already know about it, but I am telling all anyway. I will not be the one who quit this relationship, and I will not be the one who has to look in the mirror and say that they didn't do "everything possible to fix this problem".

BTW, been married 12 years, 2 kids...I had an affair nearly 6 years ago. We never fully recovered because we didn't know how. Excessive drinking and a regular deployment schedule kept us apart more than we needed until this October, and I kissed on of her friends. Thats the stupid incident to which I was referring. I have been bad, made more mistakes than most but I am re-energized and re-focused. Please don't judge me to harshly, I am keenly aware of the error of my ways.

Suffice to say, she is super pissed. She is mad as ****** that I am reporting this ****** to his command, she is tossing out anger and threats (she even threatened to move back in the house and have a "loveless" marriage). I suspect her reaction is close to standard, but need feedback to keep this up...it was a very tough thing to do.

Thanks in advance.

My wife is having an affair and I exposed her to her bosses and his bosses and told the kids and she hit the roof. Needless to say she says its just making her more determined to carry on the affair. Her actions are exactly as it says in the book. I love it seeing her worm about blaming me when she is at fault.

Best of luck

Where are the kids?

I have the kids with me, in the marital residence...I've had them since the day I got home from Iraq. Her time spent with them is limited (my fault again).

How much have you read on MB?

Did you read Longhorn's thread on Just Found Out (pinned near the top of the board)?

Have you read the basic concepts on the main MB website?

I wish I had more time to handhold you here. Your prior infidelity(ies) make your situation more difficult. (Did you kiss her girlfriend 6 years ago OR in October????)

YOU will make it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

I have read the basic concepts and many of the newbie posts and am currently reading the "just found out" posts. I've read many of the other posts on this board and elsewhere and am also reading "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil.

I had a no-kidding affair 5 years ago, but it was this last October that I kissed her friend. She found out in January.

No need for handholding, but any advice is welcome. I know that I am not alone and the eventuality will be better for me by going through this process instead of watching my marriage destroy itself. I have taken responsibility for my mistakes and I've made significant efforts to change the negative qualities that I'd had. I'm not 100% there, obviously, but I continue to put forth the effort.

Hi Dave,

You done good with the exposure. And I totally agree to exposing to her family & friends even though she claims they already know...

Oh sure, she's angry. Because exposure can be very effective at destroying some of the pleasure of the adultery. Consequence-free, secret fun-time has ended for them.

Continue to expose away.

Now, I have a question for you. You admit you were unfaithful in the past. And now you are very willing to take responsibility to try to bring about reconciliation.
So here's my question: I'm wondering if it would make any difference with my X, maybe motivate HIM to want to work for reconciliation, if I become involved with another man?
I honestly think that the more I was faithful, the more he just assumed "no man would want" me (he actually said that to me).

We are divorced (because he INSISTED), he is totally unrepentant, and I really have little to no desire left for reconciliation efforts. I'm not sure whether or not I'm 'over him' completely... Increasingly I just want to 'get on with my life' and just forget him. I haven't met anyone new and am not even looking. Not that there haven't been men who are interested - I just haven't been interested in any of them. IF I decided to give my X some competition I probably should just be bluffing since I wouldn't want to use some poor fella that way.

Anyway, I was just wondering if you think it would be effective? I recently listened to a Dr. Phil audiobook and he seemed to stress that males NEED some copetition to get motivated...

(Personally, I would have preferred for my X to have loved me enough to take responsibility for reconciliation - to have loved me like I loved him.)

Meremortal,

Your question is more complicated than anything I could truly help with, but I will offer some insight.

I think you should pick up a copy of Relationship Rescue...its obvious to me that you haven't been able to identify your desires properly...and the focus of the book is on the individual, not really the relationship.

Males do need competition...at the time she told me she was leaving, I became my own competition...my old self pitted against my new self. The NEW ME one that battle, and is now fighting him again with this affair. I am not trying to compete with this man, I have been married to her for 12 years, I have two kids with her - there is no need to compete, I am the better man. I did cheat, but I didn't seduce a borderline alcoholic (binge drinker) sad lonely wife who's estranged husband was DEPLOYED 5000 miles away. There is no competition now except for the affair...I want it to stop so I can move forward with my life. I want her off the "drug" of the affair so she can come to grips with her own life and responsibilities. MAYBE then we CAN get back together.

Hope to help, please keep the kind words and advice coming.

Thanx Dave,

I own the book Relationship Rescue and have read it.
Anyway, I think my X is just too far gone... and I'd have to be insane to even want him back.

I think you have a good attitude about the old you, and the addiction of your wife's adultery, being the competition - not the OM. He doesn't sound like much in the way of competition - predatory loser.

(BTW - My Daddy was in the military and I think it's awful that some of our troops have to worry about their spouses being faithful while they are deployed.)

You're doing the right thing. Godd luck.

Hey Dave:

Your head is screwed on so straight you might not get that many responses, which are usually directed at attitudes that are counter productive. Your attitude is dead on.

Where you might want to focus is on what she does and says and get feedback on hidden meanings plus support for the direction you are taking, which is the right one. It is sometimes hard to face an unrepentent WS in the middle of the fog all by yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It has been a very long time since I was military. And at that time I was single. So I haven't a clue what the military attitude is toward affairs. What, if anything, will the command for the OM do?

I wish you all the best.

Larry

Well, initially the OM's command will give him a no contact order...basically saying that he is to have no contact with my WS. If he does, he's foooked as they say as violating lawful orders is a big no no. At the same time, they will do an investigation, talk to friends, see the pics, give him a chance to tell his side. If it turns out that he lies to them, again he's foooked. If he tells the truth, he'll probably get in a bit less trouble. He was recently in trouble for some other stuff (i have no detailes) so it won't be a comfortable thing for him.

Thanks, I thought I was on the right track...I don't know if this marriage can be saved or not, but I just don't want to be the guy who says to the kids "I didn't do everything I could've".

There's a good question, I have an 11D and 7S...to what extent do I tell them what is going on, they still think Mommy is at a hotel for "mommy time" (well, thats what we've told 'em).

Your kids should not be lied to about their mother; kids can deal with the truth, not lies. Lies and illusions about parents do not make children feel secure or happy. Dr. Harley would tell you to tell them.

I would tell them in an age appropriate manner that she is having an adulterous affair and that affairs are immoral. They probably suspect something and if you don't tell them it will only confuse them. It will be a good time to give them moral guidance.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Agree with Ms. Lane

Though the kids may not express it...they inherently internalize blame. They likely think "mommy time" is code word for a break FROM THEM. Mom was likely quite nuts taking care of the kids 100% of the time while you were in IRAQ so they carry that forward. At some point and in an age appropriate manner they need to know that it's not them.


How bad is your drinking problem? Were you drunk when you kissed her friend last fall??? Have you quit drinking?? How are you going about accomplishing that???

Mr. Wondering

When you tell the kids, make sure you let them know that Mom's *behavior* is immoral, but that behavior can change - it's up to Mom.

Don't paint her to be a total villain and a bad person, but don't make excuses for her either.

You do have your head screwed on straight. It's freaky.

Do you know what your WW's (wayward wife's) top ENs (emotional needs) might be?

Well, on the telling the kids...

I have no interest in affecting their feelings for their mother, up until recently, she was a good mommy and can be again. I think the way I will approach it is by telling them that we've both done things that hurt each other, and because of those things she doesn't want to live with their daddy anymore. Its not their fault, we still love them, etc.

I'll take my lumps, the "old me" played a major role in this and karma is troublesome to say the least. I haven't really identified what my wife's ENs are, I think I know what some of them are but I want to study it more to make sure that I am not just jumping to conclusions.

On the drinking...it got severe after a while. Over the past year, we had friends over or parties several times a week. We often visited the local drinking hole and there weren't many times that I didn't overimbibe. I would classify it as binge drinking/borderline dependency. It wasn't a physical need, it was a mental one. I just didn't want to be sober, especially if others were around. It made me feel better.

After four months of drying out in Iraq, I have drank but not to excess. In other words, I haven't been intoxicated...no binge drinking, not pounding, not drinking for effect. I've had a few beers with friends in social situations, and on occasion 1 or 2 after the kids go to bed. I feel great, I am able to stay in control, but plan on continuing to taper it off. I do not drink every day, and I don't reserve specific days/nights "for drinking".

On to todays events - WS visited my commander, had a printout from a personal ad I took out right when I got home (stupid choice, attempted to gain negative attention I've now learned...its gone, BTW). She told him that I was being vindictive, etc. Pretty standard, no real drama for me. She called me this afternoon...told me that I got the wrong guy, that she was sleeping with someone else (a civilian) and not the Army guy. She said I'd never find out who it was, that no one would tell me. Kind of a "ha ha ha" moment for her.

I didn't react angrily, although I was angry. I told her I no longer wished to discuss the matter with her, but if information was out there then eventually I would find out and I would act to stop that as well. I don't totally believe her, it seems like more of a smoke screen or a "gotcha" but who knows at this point. It did hurt tremendously, but instead of reacting to my anger I just got off of the phone as pleasantly as I could.

She also told me that some emails I sent to her in Iraq could be used against me in terms of separation agreement, child custody, support, etc. I asked the attorneys name, she only had the first letter of his name and the road he was on, perhaps another smokescreen, perhaps not. The threats of court don't bother me too much...even if we end up divorcing through this process, I think we'll both be able to end things on a fair note.

Clearly, she's still well within the anger stage, and although the tone of her voice was reasonably calm I could feel the anger through the phone. I really hope that I am doing the right thing, because right now it DOES NOT feel like it. Oh well, enough for now...thanks for all of the input, I will continue to post as things develop.

I am glad that many of you think that my head is screwed on straight, it just doesn't feel like it...there's no damn safety net! Your feedback is immeasurable, my family and friends have been very supportive but they aren't 100% neutral like you guys. Please keep it up!

Hi Dave,
I agree with most exposure yes absolutly. Of course she is mad at you becuase you are not keeping he homefront nice and cozy and turning a blind eye. If you truly want to save your marriage is all up to you. You can work on saving your marriege but honesty is the first thing. Keeping your children from harms way and hearing bad things about mommy or daddy is not a good thing. Have you talked to your WW parents yet?
Good luck

The latest events are as follows...

WS called and asked to come over and see the kids. I said sure! I said I was cooking dinner, asked if she'd like to eat with us, and she said yes. While I was cooking dinner, she sat with our D11 and watched TV and talked, I did not hear the conversation because I was letting them have their time...I finished cooking, we ate dinner (well, 3 of us ate, WS picked at her food and said she wasn't hungry when D11 asked). After dinner, I cleaned up and said I was going to the neighbors house for a bit. S7 called after about 45 min to inquire as to when we where having milkshakes...I came home and made milkshakes, offered one to WS who refused.

She attempted to engage me in coversation regarding sep agreement but I told her I'd call her later about it, as I did not want to discuss in front of the kids. When I called, she stated (again) that she wanted to backdate the separation agreement to June 06...we actually separated March 07 (I was deployed until then, she dropped the "D" in January 07). I told her that based on N. Carolina law, I wanted a year of separation to be complete. She reiterated to me that I'd promised to "give her what she wanted" in terms of a date, that I was hurting her, that she didn't love me, that I'd implicated the wrong guy in the affair (she had told me earlier in the day that she was having sex with a civilian, who I didn't know and would never know about...I think its a smokescreen because I went after her military lover).

Basically, I told her no to the separation date change, told her that if it was what she wanted then she could wait. She offered me a "no support" if I'd just sign off on it, that her lawyer said it was okay. When I again refused, she said she was moving out of state so she could file there...I told her that was her right to do (I don't think she understands NC law, much less other states residency/divorce requirements).

Needless to say, the whole thing just sucks...PLAN A is no fun, especially day 2! Regardless, I am sticking to my guns...its my marriage too, and I want to fight for it. If its ending, then I will earn my way out, not simply acquiesce to convenience.

Plan A can be awful. And it doesn't always work in terms of a new relationship with the WS. On the other hand, an important part of Plan A is for you to get your head on straight. And that is gold.

Larry

Day 3 - Not as bad as yesterday!

So yesterday during dinner WS asked to use my car, she needed to drive to Chapel Hill to see the doc. Her van is "unreliable". I initially said no, but I thought about it again and said it would be okay. She said "don't worry about it" angrily, twice.

We had an appointment with S7's teacher regarding his poor behavior at school (hmm, 4 months without dad and a mommy who was never there, now no mommy for 3 weeks+). I drove us both, as she has been coming over after the kids are out of school to watch them while I am at work. I asked about her doctor's appt (she had cervical cancer and a partial hysterectomy two years ago), asked if everything was okay...she didn't know for sure. I asked if she had someone to go with her, and she said she did...no pressing by me.

On the way home, she announced that she was moving out of hotel at the end of the week (yeah!)...moving in with two friends. I started to pry and ask but I already know I won't like the answer but didn't...I did ask her where it was and if the kids would be there. She said they wouldn't be over there, that there wouldn't be room and she was going to live there until August and then get her own place. She might have gotten a job (finally), but not doing what she wants to do. August of course is when OM deploys, so go figure...I doubt he'd be stupid enough to be present at the house but who knows...I will find out eventually.

Got some good clues as to another A she may have had recently.

Still obviously in anger mode, but seemed under control today...we'll see, hopefully the waves are hitting her as hard as they are hitting me. I am doing my best not to show it.

You are liable to find out way more than you ever wanted to know. On the other hand, you must find out to have peace in your heart, eventually.

Larry