Just got off the phone with my wife...two hours, jeesh. A couple of key points came up and I don't know what to make of them:

1. She'd like me to drop all the charges against the OM.
2. They weren't having an affair, they are just friends...she went out with him individually twice, had feelings for him, which scared her. Different story than what she told me originally.
3. The smokescreen civilian was exactly that, she was mad at me for hurting one of her friends.
4. She said if I dropped the charges, she would go to counseling and work on us being friends, but no more.
5. I asked her if the offer of counseling/friends would still stand if I said no...she said no.

She brought up a bunch of other complications, scenarios, etc that are all clouding my judgement...obviously, I'm not expert but I haven't even read about anything like this before. She said she's ready to be honest now...not interesting in re-exploring the marriage, but honest because she feels her friend is being victimized. She said she never once cheated (or at least had sex) with anyone else throughout the process. I told her I needed time to think.

My gut says its all too convenient...the civility in her voice, her answers to the questions. My "what if" button has been pressed, I'd hate to jump to a rash conclusion and she definitely has me second guessing myself. When the accusations of an affair were just between us and other mutual friends, she never led me to believe otherwise...but now the story and tone have changed since I brought the situation to the light of day. I am going to take my time, consider my options and engage your sage opinions on this...thanks in advance.

Lies! All WSs are liars! Dont believe a word!

And the part about going to counseling and being friends...tell her that in order to be friends, she would have to be your wife and not continue to destroy the family, you and the kids. As well as herself.

If she continues down the path she is on, then she is no friend. She is actually the worse enemy to your family and your kids.

Do not be sucked in by the wiles and lies of a WS! They just want you to agree with them and go quietly along to slaughter!

One note that I typed last week but then computer crashed...

I was an Army Inspector General and an infantry first sergeant. That being said, I dealt with a lot of these problems (adultery) throughout my career. And one thing is for sure...anyone engaged in adultery does NOT deserve to wear the uniform! While doing so, they have no honor, cannot be trusted...and low moral character. A military cannot survive with people such as these.

If a soldier came in for help and said "hey Top, I have been mixed up with this married gal for awhile and I want to stop. I screwed up." Then I would help him get the help he needs and become an honorable man again.

If, on the otherhand, someone walked into my office and said "SGT Shmedlack is banging my wife" and I find out it was true...then that soldier gets fried and kicked out!

You see, a soldier that makes a mistake (we all do) but attempts to rectify it, is different than one that gets caught. The first can and should be rehabilitated into honorable men and women. The second should see discharge papers (maybe after a little stockade time).

I believe you said you had engaged in adultery. Well, if you had not of seen how dishonorable that was, I would say that you do not deserve to wear the uniform. But instead, you have stepped up to the plate, accepted responsibility and are trying to make amends and do things right. For that, you get a loud Hooah.

For this dirt bag that is with your wife...he needs to leave the military ASAP. He cannot be trusted. He will get people killed, for no other reason than he only thinks of himself!

Get with it...and ignore the ramblings of the temporarily insane!

davethebrewer



Of course she would! It is putting pressure on her A!



SMOKE & FOG! ALL LIES! Never believe the WS, they will say anything to manipulate you. Of course its different than what she origingally said. She was lying then and she is lying now!



Yes, you already knew it was a smokescreen. Your gut told you that!
You hurt one of her friends? WOW what about her hurting her own family? Thats OK though right? Cuz friends are obviously more important than family.



You don't need friends like that. You need your W back and the mother of your children. Accept no less!



She is not offering that to better herself. She is offering so that you will back off! She has no intension of following through. Nothing wrong with her anyway...its all YOU right!



You will never be able to trust her and her babble until NC is established and withdrawal has taken place.
Only then will she begin to see some of the implications of what she is doing to her precious family. This is all about her right now and until you can flush the A out into the open for all to see, you are fighting a demon...an addiction.
Sounds like your exposure has put pure pressure on the fantasy!
The OM must is frantic! He has sent her to beg for him! What a coward!

Keep working your Plan A.
Don't forget Plan A is about YOU and bettering yourself. When your are confident about yourself and your progression it will rise to the surface.
Confident people are very attractive!
Tell her you will not discuss D, you will only discuss M and MC, and that you will not agree to any LS until all other resources have been exhausted. You will continue to fight for your family!
In the meantime, take good care of those kids! They need you now more than ever! Get them into counseling if you can and tell them an age appropriate truth!

You are doing great, hang in there! It's a lot of hard work.

MyBad
-------------------
The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.

Many thanks to both of you. The reality is that even if I bought into it all she DID have an affair, even if it wasn't sexual (which I doubt) it was an affair. It followed an extremely emotional time for both of us, not only was I deployed, but we'd had a terrible year and I hurt her deeply by kissing her friend.

She also said it was negatively impacting her relationships with other friends in her new circle, male and female. She's moving out of the hotel and into a house with two other females, both of which are friends with OM. She said that since she can't hang out with all of them, it makes her feel uncomfortable, like she's the cause of the problem. I reiterated that all of our old friends like us both, they've been very supportive to both of us...why not come back to that starting line.

Now she wants to join the Army, she says she can't because she's married to me. I am leaving the Air Force in November, she's only 27 (28 this summer). She said the recruiter told her she could not join because of my active status...but I have a guy at work, M w/2 kids who's wife just left TODAY for Army basic training. More smoke, more BS.

She's says its all about me controlling her, I exposed her A to control her, I won't sign off on a quickie divorce to control her, etc. Still no job, no permanent residence, no freaking plan! It really does seem textbook to me.

My emotions are under control, my reactions haven't been angry (for the most part)...I'm trying to control love busters, etc. Today she is borrowing my car, so I have hers. I am thinking about leaving an emotional needs questionaire in the car with some flowers...good idea/bad idea?

The EN questionaire is okay. I vote no to flowers. Do you have temporary custody of your children? Is it something formal or just "an agreement"? I know you would love for your WW to turn into the woman you married but she is not interested in that right now.

You are doing all the right things do not give into any of her selfish demands and do not let the OM off the hook. He deserves to be held accountable. Did you also know that in NC you can sue him for Alienation of Affection. I would check into this as well with my attorney in order to put more pressure on their little fantasy.

Hang in there.

It is all a load of Fog talk and manipulation. Don't let yourself be distracted by disinformation. Among other things, I always made the point to my wife that I wasn't interested in fueling her self-absorbed fantasies, I was interested in what was best for the family, including her and including me and especially including the kids.

Somewhere along the way, she lost her emotional connection to you and the family. She found another connection and the chemical overload in her brain is causing a form of temporary insanity. Believe in the steps that will help her recover her mind and soul. It is a rocky road you must travel but the only one that has a chance to work. It may not, but what else can you do?

Just don't allow her to confuse you. Be true to the attitude you have so far displayed and you will be ok and so will your kids. Your wife has to eventually own her own stuff and she will in the fullness of time. Between now and then, it is all a chemically induced string of lies and betrayal and inventions of a temporily deranged mind.

Larry

How ya doing Dave? Still on course?

Larry

Hey all...I am still doing pretty okay I think. A few new developments but for the most part no real changes. WS moved out of the hotel, still of course needs money due to lack of job but I managed to wittle that down to a quite minimal amount (basically, she left me broke with a bunch of late bills). Well, comparatively minimal to say the least.

Not constantly bugging me about dropping charges anymore, but still asks about every other time we speak which is most days. I am having a problem in which I will contact her, usually when I'm irritated about something...usually its txt messages on the cell phone, we had a pretty good txt fight the other night. She called several times during this, I didn't answer because I know that I'd just LB more over the phone...I at least recognized the problem, so am trying not to do it. So far so good today and yesterday.

Called me yesterday, wanted me to go to friends house down the street and shoot pool. One of her male friends was there, a good friend of the OM. I went, no drama...I think it was an effort at trying to humanize the OM to me, I don't know but either way I was very cordial. Told WS that I was going out last night as well, to our old watering hole. Ended up in going to a different place, a place that she hates, but for whatever reason I guess she showed up there...I didn't see her, she saw me. She asked about it today (if I had fun, etc). I did, so I told her that but kept the conversation short. I am usually verbose, so I am trying to minimize the amount of talking that I actually do.

Still says I am trying to control her, under no circumstances is she coming home, doesn't love me, I am not her soul mate, etc. I just asked how I was controlling her, she could not give a good answer...more babble, very general answers. I asked what she's ever done wrong in our marriage...her response was "probably something". So, if you guys happen to see a 5'5'' blonde gal out there walking on water, thats my WS. She's just blaming me for everything...of course, the problem is that I already know what I am at fault for, she just likes pointing it out to get me going.

She was mad about the letter I wrote to her friends and family, says I am painting her as the bad guy without saying what I did wrong (its probably a bit biased, I didn't go into any specifics of our past...I named the OM in the letter). Oh well, I am feeling pretty much hopeless but don't want to lose hope...I still think that there's a chance out there, I'm continuing all of my positive behavior and trying to eliminate the negative. I feel good about my actions thus far, and although there isn't any obvious impact its still too early to worry.

She'll be able to file in Decemeber, kids will be gone all summer so we'll probably have minimal contact for a few months. We'll see how this train will roll...sorry for being longwinded (again), thanks for all of your support.

So now she's threatening to file charges for domestic violence...there was an incident last summer but charges were never file by either of us, although they probably could have been. Told me she hates me, despises me and that she wished I died in Iraq. That sucks, but oh well...I guess we aren't amicable anymore. I maintained my composure, so I don't feel bad.

I guess OM is whining to their mutual friends, is really down and may hurt himself. I suggested telling the authorities, so they could keep him from hurting himself. She asked that I speak to his commander and say that nothing sexual went on, I told her that I would contact his commander and tell them he said he was going to hurt himself.

Don't know what else to do, not going to worry too much about it to be honest. She's spewing venom, I suspected that this "reasonable talk" over the past week was a ruse and I guess I was right.

My goodness, aw shucks, gosh darn it. ROFLMAO.

The fire is getting hotter and the frog doesn't like it. Still in the pot though. Time will tell.

Who hit who last summer? If you, don't ever, never do that again, period, the end.

Reasonable to a nutcase affairee is "Do what I want."

Larry

No hitting involved last summer on either part...wierd story, we left a bar and she wanted to drive...she was drunk, I wasn't. She got mad, ran off (bar only about 4 blocks from our house). I went looking for her, couldn't find her. I finally went back out and despite her misdirection found her...gave her a ride home. She got out of the car, started to run over to our neighbors who was outside starting his car. I grabbed her arm, she fought against me, thats how she got bruises on her arm. I shouldn't have held on, but I did. But your right either way, I never grew up with any violence and there isn't an excuse despite my intentions.

Time will tell, I'm just not going to fight. She's made plenty of empty threats so far, so I am not particularly worried.

How old was she when you married? Sounds like she was very young.

Ok, got it. And there is nothing wrong with holding on to someone who is irrational to keep them from hurting themselves. So don't take a guilt trip over that.

Read, Men are from Mars, etc. Read Michelle Langley's book - google it and take some of the things she says with a grain of salt EXCEPT female emotional cycles and mind sets.

Larry

Hey...she is an addict. She is spewing venom because you wont help her get her fix.

Stay on course! When WSs do this, it means yo uare doing GREAT!

She was 17 (me 18) when we married...had a kid the same year and I joined the Air Force that same year. We were both young, and still are I think emotionally. She's really worrying me now...threats against me legally, threats to move out of state, threats to get a lawyer, threats to take the kids out of state...etc. I may have to file for emergency custody if this keeps up...remember she moved out and left the kids with me, so I don't know. Meeting with attorney in 3 hours, we'll see how that goes. I am in panic mode.

You need to stay calm. They are always furious when the affair is exposed.

My guess is that the OM will drop her like a hot potato. She has a husband that will make his life miserable. He will find someone else.

In the meantime, insist that your desire is to keep the family together. If she wants to move out alone, let her. But don't help her financially. Let her experience the consequences of her choices.

Your WW is spewing nonsense, much like a four-year-old will when her fingers are caught in the cookie jar. She's threatening legal action based on what she's seen on one of those "reality" TV courts or something similar. But she doesn't have any facts or actual legal advice.

On the other hand, your visit to an attorney will give you all the aces in the deck. If you think your wife may actually try to take the children out of state, get your attorney to file a restraining order against such a thing. Also, I know NC has some provision for filing an action indicating you two are separated because of adultery. Additionally, NC also has a law still on the books wherein you may sue the OM for "alienation of affection." Your attorney can send OM a letter advising him you will file under that statute if he does not cease and immediately desist.

I think taking both these actions can be beneficial in applying pressure to the affair. It brings WW up against a big ol’ brick wall because the legal system does NOT pay attention to raving aliens. Secondly, the OM would have to hire an attorney to fight the alienation of affection suit and he’s going to be even more pissed at that because it’s in addition to the difficulties he’s in with his commander.

Pressure…it’s all about applying pressure to the fantasy. Apply enough pressure and the cracks get too wide for the fantasy world to be maintained.

Hang in there, Dave. The road gets rocky and it winds around quite a bit, but you’re right. Your children deserve you making the effort.

Listen to Longhorn and get busy ASAP Dave!!!!!!

Do what he suggests sooner than later.

Well, I spoke with my attorney who understands my perspective and priorities. I will tell all of you that my number one concern is the safety and well-being of my children. Perhaps that gets overlooked from time to time, but I realize that they will be around regardless of her extra-marital relations, divorce, etc.

WS came over today, I had a mutual friend sit-in due to the threat of domestic violence. She is now going to file in Kansas from NC, how I do not know but as I am a KS resident (military) she can probably do it...she got the idea from the JAG. She said the JAG told her that my letter to friends and family could be used against me in a libel suit. She wants to move back into the hotel and has threatened me with going to my commander if I don't pay it, as I am required by military law to support my dependants. The way I see it, I have already shelled out quite a bit to her and as I am taking full time care of the kids (she gets them after school until I get off work), I am supporting them quite well.

Its all crazy right now...basically, we both want primary custody of the kids...she also wants a separation clause that says I won't harass her or whatever. I think its in the kids best interest to stay with me, in our home and share custody from there...we'll see if she follows through on any of her threats.

Stay calm and centered. I doubt that JAG told her she could sue you for libel.

You need to get some popcorn and sit back and watch. These affairees may be the first to be "soulmates" and have a special relationship, but I doubt it. Chances are excellent that OM will back out quickly. Expect her to me furious.