My wife and I just separated 2 weeks ago. After months of counceling with things appearing better, my wife now says that it's too late. We've been married 13 years, our sex life has declined to nearly nothing. She feels rejected and unloved. After she left I'm feeling very lost without her and want her back. I really messed up and didn't pay attenting to her. Now she says it's too late.

I'm think about sending her a letter, should I do it?

Others forums and concelors have said that it's pursuing and that I should do it because it'll push her away. But why? When you first date sending flowers and pursuing is how you get the girl...

Also, would it be ok to send her flowers or something?

Here's the letter:

Dear {WifeName},

When you came to me in October, I took things seriously. I immediately went to doctors and began counseling with {CounselorName}. I have truly felt better in the last month than I have felt in many years. I have learned a lot about myself, about you, and about our relationship.

While I understand and respect your right to want to move on, I feel that I must fight for our marriage. I think that you would want and expect your husband to fight for our marriage. When we got married I promised to love you and part of loving you is fighting for our marriage. You are truly the most important part of my life!

Even when I have not shown you the love that you so deserve, please know that I have always loved you and that I want you in my life. I know that I have not always been the husband that you deserve and that you have resentment and pain because of it. I am truly sorry for my actions and lack of actions.

In the end, I want to be able to say that we’ve done every possible thing to save our marriage. I pray that it will be successful. I know in my heart that I must fight for you.

I will be forever grateful, if you would please give “us” one more chance. Please let me prove to you that I am the man you once loved.

Love always,

Your husband,

{MyName}

Send it and then develop a concrete plan (with lots of details) to deal with the areas you failed and where you want to change. The start your plan no matter what she says and let her see actions rather than just words.

I strongly recommend that you read the articles on this site, and some of the books, but read ALL of the articles first.

God Bless,

JL

There is obviously a lot more to this story than you are telling us. A lot of damage can be inflicted in 13 years.

Keep working on yourself. Continue with your counseling and doctor's visits. Your words probably didn't mean much in the past, why should they matter now? Your wife may need to SEE the positive changes in you before she is inclined to give the marriage another go 'round.

Don't go nuts with flowers and letters. They can be LB's if they are not interpreted as sincere.

Thanks for the input.

I just feel that I need to let her know that I'm fighting for our marriage....

Before I say anything else, I guess the first thing I need to say is that accepting advice on a board like this is risky so be sure to question highly anything I write after this.

Now, I think you are right on to write your wife a letter. Most if not all professional marriage coaches and counselors will recommend some type of communication to express your sincerity. Often times, it is best to put in writing as you have. I know, I have been down the road you are on. If anything I have probably done too much writing so one caution is to be sure to not over do it. I really like the way you start your letter. It shows sincere willingness to honestly look at where you are, how you got there and how you can go forward in restoring your relationship without going overboard (something I may have been guilty of).

One thing you might want to consider is refocusing the closing of the letter. I'm not sure I know how to tactfully say this so I'll just be straight to the point. By asking her to "give us one more chance", you may be empowering her to continue in the role of controller. A woman may not respond well to such pleading. Right now, she is in control of the relationship because she said she wants out. It is impossible for you to wrestle that control away from her but if you phrase it more as an invitation to join you in exploring what is wrong and even what is right about your relationship you may open up more dialogue than just asking her for one more chance. I think if she looks at it as she is giving you one more chance, it leaves everything in your relationship as being performance based. If your relationship is performance based, you may never be able to perform to a level high enough to win her love. Even if you could perform to that level, you'll eventually burn out. One thing to look out for is that you being a male probably look at everything logically and it is easy to see the steps to reconciliation. On the other hand, she being a female probably looks at it more from a feeling and emotion standpoint which is very hard for us guys to figure out. If you can get her to honestly look at the issues, then it becomes more of a partnership rather than you working your tail off to please her. Been there, done that, it don't work.

There are some real good resources on this site and I have read several of the books. One book that I would recommend is called "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. She also has a website but I don't remember the exact name of it. I think her book is excellent in describing how you as the one wanting to continue the relationship can pursue the leaver in a way that they can accept. It also gives you some ways to communicate your deep regret that she no longer wants to continue the relationship in a way that may get her to think before she takes another step.

I'm giving this advice because I'm an expert at what doesn't work. Please feel free to question everything I have said and what others may write in response to what I have written. I've been very fortunate to come across many resouces that are helpful. It may not mean that in the end I or you are successful but as you said, we will rest at night knowing that we did everything we possibly could to save the marriage.

For the record, I am still married but have very reluctantly signed divorce papers after doing all I can over a two year period to have our marriage restored. I haven't given up but was forced into the situation I am in. I do not know if the papers have been filed yet. I pray that you don't get to where I am. I'd appreciate it if in your prayers, you pray for J and K. The Lord knows the rest of the story. I'll pray for you as well.

Thanks Golfbud.

Michelle Weiner-Davis website is great. I haven't receive the book yet. After reading lots of posts on that website, I am very careful not to pressure or go overboard pleading my case. I wanted my letter to be short and not beg.

I do like you suggestions about the closing. Very good points. I'll have to work on the wording of it more.

When I talk with my friends, they all say "send her some flowers", do something... When I read the post on the Weiner-Davis website, they all seem to say don't do anything, give her space. I just don't want to always wonder, what if I'd sent the letter.

One thing that some ladies have said on other sites, is why would she believe you this time? She's been asking for a long time without change. It's a good point, and it's also something my Wife said the last time we talked. "How do I know it'll be different." I really don't know that there is anything I can do or say at this point that could prove that. However, I've just lost my wife/best friend and it hurts. Now, I don't have to put my hand on the hot stove twice to know it'll burn me. I know it can be different. I know I can be the man she married. How can I get that point across?

Thanks for any help!

I'll keep you in my prayers!

Glad you liked the site. I know you'll get a lot out of the book. I did but unfortunately we were too far gone for it to help a whole lot. If I had that book and some other stuff I have found when I was where you are, it could have made a big difference. Then again, once a woman makes her mind up.....! The flowers are tempting for you. A word of caution, she may see them as shallow flattery which isn't going to help. Only you know the situation well enough. I think most people right now would lean toward not sending flowers.

I think that her question of "How do I know it would be different?" is a real positive. If she is really asking that question and looking for an answer that's good. She may not really be expecting an answer. Don't be too hung up on answering that directly. It may be more of a statment that she doesn't believe it can be different. I'm probably relating from my own experience too much here so all I can say is it seems to me that you do have a window of opportunity but it is very critical that you respond appropriately. You haven't mentioned counseling yet. Only thing I'll say about counseling is that if it is something that she might consider, I would go by myself first without her knowing it. Again I'm relating from my own experience but here is why. The last counselor we saw together probably did more to confirm for her that it is ok to divorce than anything else. We supposedly were getting biblical council but looking back I wouldn't go back to him for anything. Bottom line, just because someone says they are a counselor doesn't mean that they are going to be totally in the corner of doing all that should be done to save the marriage.

As for the statements and questions concerning how does she know you will change; again those are valid questions and they are terribly difficult to answer. There is nothing you can say and making promises is not going to do anything other than put you on a leash jumping through hoops. You say she has been asking for change for a long time without results. That may be a fairly typical situation and one I have been very familiar with. Situations like that are almost self perpetuating circles. I can relate to that very well. You may well have felt like you were being forced to change which is not something that you would naturally do. One thing I believe is that now more than ever you have been forced into a situation where you are not only willing but capable of making changes. I wouldn't look at it so much as becoming a changed man or even becoming the man you once were. Consider it that now is a time in which the things that are clouding the real you can be done away with. This situation is not going to change you, it is going to cause you to want to purge the things from your life that hinder the real you from being known. If I had to guess, you probably rarely complained much about any of her shortcomings. If I'm off base, then please excuse me. Let me ask you this. Would you consider yourself to be passive? In other words, do you fail to take the iniative in many areas of your marital/home life. If so, it's probably a pretty good guess that she is somewhat of a controller. That doesn't mean abusive or even hateful, just someone that takes charge or at least wants someone else to take charge and then when they fall short, she takes over. If it sounds like I am relating from my own experience you are exactly right. But, it is shocking to realize just how common this type maritial relationship is. That's the bad news. The good news is that there is a really good resource available to help each of you understand more about the situation. If she is willing to honestly look at what has been going on, there's a good chance she will be able to work on the relationship. If it sounds like I am pushing a product, please understand that I am just a guy trying to help someone out who's in a situation similar to mine. If I have described the situation fairly accurately, and you are interested in this let me know. I would be glad to share with you some tapes or at least tell you about these tapes that I have from a very well respected Christian marriage ministry. Once you start really seing what was going on in your marriage, you will be better able to understand how to go forward. If you are interested, I'll give you my email address.

Be very cautious about listening to friends unless they have been down the road you are on and have had their marriages restored. The only people you should be more cautious about are guys like myself who are offering free advice. Hang in there, your marriage didn''t fall apart in a day and it isn't going to be fixed in a day.

Sorry I didn't pick up on the fact that you have been in counseling quite a bit. Asking for additional counseling is probably not going to be a good idea. Hang in there. Counseling is not what most marriages need. What most marriages need is deliverence. We have a God that is perfectly capable of just that.

Thanks Golf! You have made some great points & suggestions.

Our counselor has been great. However, I wish we had addressed more of the main issue my wife has about the marriage being "sex starved".

Since you know about Michelle, you may have seen her book, "The Sex-Starved Marriage". It is really a great book and has explained a lot to me. Some of the stories in it are just like my case, only the names are different.

You asked about being passive. Yes I am. And we both avoid conflict at all costs. We rarely ever have a fight.

Please tell me more about the tapes.

I need everything I can get.

12,

Glad to share with you what I know. The avoidance of conflict can be a real problem. It certainly was in our situation. I think James Dobson put it best. A marriage in which conflict avoidance is the norm is comparable to a slow leaking tire. Finally, due to lack of attention, the tire runs flat and nothing can be done to save it. But, in a marriage in which there is a blow out, often this situation has a better chance of getting fixed. My paraphrase of Dobson may not be inspiring but the bottom line is that conflict (handled correctly) is a very positive thing.

Now, about the tapes. There is a website called Lifetime.org which is run by the ministry of Bill and Anabell Gillham. They have been doing counseling and marriage seminars for at least 25 years. They have a 6 tape audio called "Defusing The Self-Destruct Marriage". When I first listened to it, it blew me away because it seemed like they had been looking in the windows of our house. As a male who struggles with passive tendencies, I and you can see how we contributed to the problems in our marriages. The scenarios they discuss probably describe a high percentage of marriages and certainly a high percentage of dysfunctional marriages. You can buy them on cassette for less than $15 at the following link.

http://shop.lifetime.org/lifetimeguarantee/item_MFPPC56390002.htm

I don't think this in any way competes with but actually compliments the information you have learned through this website. I find that the more I can understand what went wrong, the more inspired I am to believe that our marriage can be saved. My wife hasn't come to that point yet but hopefully she will some day.

Now while your at it, the Gillham's have some other really good stuff. Their cd's titled "The Victorious Life" really helps you understand just who you are in Christ. I learned a lot from this teaching and it really focuses on the marriage relationship as God intended it. Following that, their cd's titled "The Building Up and Tearing Down of Strongholds" furthers the teaching of the other two.

All total, you are going to spend less than $100 including shipping if you get all three. I'd send you a copy of mine but right now my wife has them. I don't think she has listened yet. I'd say at first, if you decide to listen to these, do it by yourself before asking your wife to listen. I've been sharing this with other people I know and everyone has been very encouraged by this stuff.

Now, it will take you a while to digest all that stuff if you decide to get it. I have listened to mine countless times and now the stuff is burned onto my brain. I've been putting this stuff on my iPod and taking it with me everywhere I go.

Finally, I've got one other source of insprirational stuff that will greatly encourage you as well. It is free. We'll talk about it later.

Thanks Golf.

My wife and I are going to talk today. Please pray for me.

I've prepared myself by reading everything I can find, and praying. One of the things that has helped my understand myself is the SSM book my Michelle. I'm going to give a copy of it to my wife. Hopefully she will read it.

I am also going to give her my letter after we have talked.

I must fight for her and our marriage. I just must. Hopefully she will take my words to heart and we will have a second chance. It may not happen immediately.

Thanks everyone for their support and suggestions.

I am praying for you. Hope everything goes well. Even if it doesn't, try not to panic.

I'd like to say that it was good, but I'm really not sure. We talked for about an hour. (I can beat a dead horse, so I tried to keep it short.) I think that she may want to give it another try. She said that "she would be taking a big chance" if we did. However, some of her "body language" still bothers me. Some of the time when we were talking, she was looking up and away. She was also crying and trying not to cry. So, I'm not sure.

After we talked I gave her Michelle's SSM book with the letter inside it.

I told her I didn't expect her to answer me right then and to think about it.

She's staying in "our" house now after first moving out. I'm staying at my parent's while they are out of town.

When I went upstairs to get something, before I left, it didn't appear that she was packing. Also, during our talk she didn't say anything about renting another house again.

Also, she hasn't seen an attorney.

I think these are all good signs, however, I still have to be careful not to get to confident and hopeful.

We can always get a divorce. We know what the outcome will be if we divorce, however, we'll never know what could have happened if we had stayed together.

I took the afternoon off yesterday. Didn't work, didn't read & post to forums. Just watched some TV and slept. I really feel much better today. I went to church this morning and now I'm going to do some work to try to get caught up.

At least I've gotten to "do something". Doing nothing makes me feel very helpless.

My guess is that I probably won't hear much from her this week with all that's going on at her work.

My parents will be returning from their trip on the 8th. That will be a real telling point. I'll have to go somewhere, or talk them into letting me stay there. My wife had previously said that she was going to stay at our house until the 8th (or the first of the month) and rent a house to live in. It may not be over at that point, but I'll have a really good indication as to what direction she's going in. Hopefully we'll be back together in the same house.

Until the papers have been filed and the divorce is final, I'm going to keep hoping that it's not over.

Today, I emailed her a "funny story" that happened last week. I got dressed and not realizing that my shirt was on inside out until about 11am. I had gone to the store, etc. Luckily I hadn't gone to a client. My wife has always had to remind me to "zip up." Anyway, she emailed back telling me that she had just locked herself out of her office and had to call her boss's boss in order to get back in. She has always had problems with her keys. ---- the point being, I think we're getting back to being more friendly with less anger on her part.

Hopefully this will be a better week...

Thanks for the support.

Sounds like the talk went ok yesterday for you. As long as she is talking that's a real good sign. Probably best to talk when she wants to talk rather than when you want to talk and I know that is hard to do.

If you get a chance, check out the sermon audio link I posted for dbwat. Do all you can to work on yourself. Don't think about divorce and if it comes up, do all you can to avoid it.

I won't say I planned it this way nor could I have imagined it would go this way but in reality, our situation has been going on for 6 years now. No, she didn't say anything about divorce until almost 2 years ago but the first separation came 6 years ago. She thought at that time I would want a divorce but that was the farthest thing from my mind. No, the situation isn't fun, isn't healthy and I've wanted to run away screaming and kicking but over time I've really been able to gain much more understanding of the situation. Also, I have come to see that even though my situation seems absolutely impossible, there is hope and there is a tremendous amount of resources available if you dig for it. The amount of information I've found to justify divorce and explain it as a solution to our problems would fit in a thimble. The amount of information I've found showing just how our and your situation can be saved wouldn't fit in a boxcar. Keep the faith.

Although there is a tremendous amount of information available, obviously you both have to be willing to accept it. She might not be willing to do that now and perhaps not ever but that is not your responsiblity. Yours is to make sure that you are not decieved into believing that you might as well give up hope. You've only just begun. Keep searching for the truth.

No contact with the wife today. I sure wish I know what she was thinking.

I really miss her!

I pray that she took my words, actions, letter, and the book I gave her to heart.

I've got to wait and be patient. Give her time. Don't pressure her. You know I really hate this. I guess I've got to let go of the control on this and give it to God to handle.

Just thinking out loud....

I'm really not feeling so good about things today...

I went by our house today. I think she's packing up some stuff.

I feel that I've made so much progress in counseling and that if we were to get back together, things would be so much better and different.

We're suppose to have dinner and talk tomorrow night. She sounded very nice on the phone almost positive. However, when I went to the house it doesn't look very good for me.

She thinks that she gave our marriage more than one last try and that she stayed longer than she should have. She thinks it's too late.

What can I do to get her to give it one more chance? What can I say tomorrow night? I think that tomorrow she's going to tell me that she's moving out. How should I react? If she would just give our marriage one more chance, I know it would be different.

Please, please help me on this!

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner but then again, nothing I could say or you could say right now is going to stop the run away train. If she is like many women, she has her mind made up and if she is like mine, she thinks there is nothing that is going to change her mind. Ok, that's the bad news. Now the good news, within you there is a great desire to allow the things to happen in your life that she wants or at least wanted to have happen. Focus on that. I know you think if you got back together right now things would be instantly better and that you would work tirelessly to make that happen. Been there, done that, I wish I could say that is the way it works. Anything is possible right now, she could turn on a dime and come right back. The important thing right now is for you to get a grip on yourself. Fall apart when you are by yourself or have a friend's shoulder to cry on but around her or when you talk to her, exude confidence. Study the stuff in The Divorce Remedy. There's lots more stuff I can tell you about if you are interested.

No one can tell you what to do but lots will try. Some will tell you to get over it and move on. They are probably the ones that never have been through anything like what you are going through. You sound to me like a guy who is willing to be honest, accept honest feedback and willing to do the hard work. If she says she wants a divorce tell her you respect desires but don't go agreeing to anything or even ask her to do anything right now. Do all you can to avoid the subject. Don't rush into anything. Time is probably to your advantage.

Keep in mind, what I'm writing ain't guaranteed to do any good. You just don't want to paint yourself into a corner right now that you can't get out of. There are lots of resources that you can get to help you learn how to stand for your marriage. That doesn't mean you are fighting her. Your battle is not with her, it is against satan who has decieved her into thinking that divorce is the answer. You have to learn to not only believe it is a spiritual battle but live it also.

Don't panic. Don't worry, your emotions are going to go up and down like a yo-yo. That's part of it. It will get better but it will take time.