My husband is very gregarious, knows many people as do I. I've noticed lately the same cell number come up on our/his record a great deal (70+) times a month. Previously if I ask him about something like that he says it's a friend and he doesn't check up on me so why am I checking up on him. Things are ok at home, he acts like he loves me, nothing too unusual, just all these calls! Your opinions please, should I calm down or do something...if something than what?

Put a voice activated recorder in his car. Find out what they talk about when your not there.

Well...if you're just curious, Zabasearch.com and Switchboard.com are good for reverse phone number searches, but they may not be able to tell you anything if it is cell phone number. Intelius.com will identify the number for a fee. Good luck

Thanks for your comments. It's kind of lonely out here. My dear mom (survived an affair) always says that if you go looking and find something you have to DO something about it, so don't look if you aren't ready to act. She also said that it will make itself known, you don't have to hunt for it, and it will burn out quickly. But it's so hard to sit here and wonder!

So is your mother saying "ignorance is bliss" and advising you to be an ostrich? I think that is naive and dangerous.

What is stopping you from calling that mystery number to see who answers? If it's a cell number as you said, most likely a reverse search will be useless online. You can always call from a public phone if you're concerned about being identified. However, the other person may not answer if they don't recognize the number calling them. Seems everyone has caller ID these days.

But if it IS another woman, and there's something funny going on, calling from your husband's number (especially late at night) is almost certain to prompt her to pick up. If not, at least you may get voice mail and a name. Wait one night until he's asleep, take his phone and ring that one up. You can hang up but it is probably more effective to introduce yourself coolly as his wife and just wait for their response. That alone should tell you plenty.

I think remaining ignorant and fearful is worse than knowledge. Your mom is also wrong that affairs always burn out quickly - just read the agonized posts of others on here and you'll realize that the longer you delay, the deeper the risk and danger to your marriage. Nip it in the bud.

If he's just calling a friend as he claims, then who is this friend, why haven't you been introduced and if I'm on the money with this one - the primary reason is that the friend is female.

My warning bells go off with this one because that was the initial "harmless" approach my FWH tried on me - he even took me shopping for his "friend" and was careful to never use any pronouns that would indicate it was a woman. If he is being vague and somewhat defensive, your radar should be screaming!

I too deliberately ignored my gut instinct for too long and will never do so again.

Good points Silver, thank you. Do you think it's better to call the number and talk to 'her' or confront him and ask what's up with all those calls to that number?

AHO,
Call and hope that you can get voicemail to put a name and voice to that number, then do your background check on the individual...like call the main switchboard at your H's work and ask for that name, then tell them you got the wrong extension, you meant to call Bob Smith. Or prepare some inane questions about music preferences and call her house to see if you can get her talking by doing a "Survey for the RCIA".

Mrs GF had a PA and 'only' talked to her OM 10-20 times/month on her cell phone.

If it was me, I'd call her and talk to her first. That prevents him from having the chance to "cover his tracks" (if something is indeed going on) and warning her so they can hatch a mutual BS story for your benefit.

Trust me, if he's involved with someone, he's not going to admit it anyway. He will only get defensive and tell you you're crazy, they are just a friend, etc. I heard it all, not once did my FWH admit to anything. I had to actually get copies of his cell phone bills, highlight each time he called that number (and she called him), among other evidence, and made copies of everything so that even if he destroyed the originals, I still had proof.

I know you are probably nervous/scared, but here is how I would play it:

First, make copies of all those records, highlight the incoming and outgoing calls to that number, especially note the times and try to figure out where you were when they were made. Was he waiting until you went to work or vice-versa or were otherwise apart as a couple?

Call that mystery number late at night and see who answers or what the voice mail message is. Be ready with pen and paper so you can capture a name if you get a voicemail.

You may only get a first name in the event of voicemail, but that is still SOMETHING. So when he later tries to imply his friend is male, you can ask innocently, "Really. A guy named Sue?" or whatever. Just start laying the foundation for confrontation down the road.

I did something similar after one inappropriate late night call to my husband's cell. I day or two later I called the number back, a young male actually answered, but I had a "hunch" because I knew FWH had been dating a woman in that city before we married. I luckily guessed the right name and asked to speak with her. The teen said she was at work. So I asked the young man to write down the following message: "X's wife called back and says that if you need to talk to him after midnight again, or at any time, you have to go through her. Because he is a married man now." For added emphasis, I placed this return call in front of my FWH, he never saw it coming until it was done and it was really effective. He knew right then I would tolerate no interference in our marriage.

I think the teenager was the woman's son, and so not only was she embarrassed/exposed to her son, she had to explain what she was doing calling a married man's cell at 1 a.m.

Funny thing, she never called back.

Don't be apologetic. Be calm, cool, and firm: "Why are you calling my husband?" (Emphasis on the "MY.") It's to your benefit if calls have been at odd hours, late nights, or times when you two were apart. You are not on trial, she is.

Of course this is assuming it's a woman, and that something is indeed going on. It could be another guy, there could be extenuating circumstances. But above all, TRUST YOUR GUT.

I can't say that enough.

Sometimes I can't tell if I am paranoid or if my gut is really trying to tell me something. I've been suspicious and wrong before and looked like a ninny for snooping. So if I call 'her' and compile all of this information and confront him, he will deny it of course....then what....nervous and scared sure hit the nail on the head! I wanted to lose 5 pounds....but not like this!

This is why you don't confront until you have hard, cold evidence. Otherwise they will paint you as the "hysterical paranoid spouse" and probably come close to convincing you and maybe others that you are crazy.

Of course, there is still the possibility that nothing is wrong or going on. But there is a reason you came to this web site forum and that reason is GUT INSTINCT.

If you are truly wanting to hide and not know the truth, then let it lie. I still say that is a mistake but it is your choice. If your marriage is going well as you said, then I guess you can choose to stamp out your suspicions and stay quiet. But as I said, you risk the other alternative - an affair just starting out now that you could have nipped in the bud if you had taken action.

If you decide to proceed with calling that number...

Get one of those phone recorders or a digital voice recorder before you call. So it won't be a "you said, she said" kind of thing later. Sad but true...it's possible (if there is something going on), that she doesn't know he's married. That's why I think it's good to be straightforward and firm: "This is X's wife." You may hear a shocked gasp.

As much as we BS love to malign and blame the OP, sometimes THEY were lied to by the WS and he or she told the OP they were single, separated, or widowed (remember good ol' Scott Peterson and his mistress Amber?)

So be prepared for anything. Have a support group or friend ready and there for you.

Don't confront the spouse until you have a lot of evidence, and just like in courts, circumstantial theory won't cut it. You need hard stuff they can't deny or lie away.

I know I sound awfully negative, but I was in your shoes not that long ago. [color:"red"]Cover all your bases and box in the WS with the evidence BEFORE you confront. [/color]

Edited to add: If nothing comes to light and there is no evidence to indicate an affair, then great. But at least you will know either way. It's the uncertainty and fear/dread that makes us heartsick. Resolution is possible but first you have to have the courage to act.

Silver, again thank you so kindly. I appreciate you taking the time to 'spell it out' interesting how in any other situation I'm the one with the answers! I love the quote at the end of your post...been there done That! My gut says that it is not a PA, but after reading the article "You don'd have to have sex to cheat" I think there is a violation of the boundaries. We married in our 40s so had alot of road behind us. I had been single for some time so we both had good friends of the opposite sex. The rule between us has always been that it becomes wrong when the S is excluded. As I said before, we are both very involved with the skate community as well as a business on the side and friends, so it could be innocent. I'm going to keep an eye on the phone and see how things go....Thank you thank you thank you for being there!

You're welcome and I hope I'm wrong (gee I don't get to say that often <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />)

I used that quote in my sig. to remind me about my own infamous temper. It was unleashed in its full glory last year (just ask FWH!) Not that it wasn't deserved...but I said a lot of things that did further damage to our marriage. Things I wish I could take back, but like a post I made in the Recovery thread, I read today that it takes six positive acts to counter one negative one...and it did seem to take a longer each time to come back in our marriage whenever I let anger and outrage win.

Just proceed calmly and logically. Even if you find no evidence of an affair, if you have that policy of joint agreement about friends as you mentioned, then don't feel embarrassed or awkward to ask for further information about this mystery friend. DON'T sound apologetic, whiny or accusing. It is your right as the wife to know what is going on and he needs to keep up his end of promising respect by keeping you in the loop.

Let us know what happens - hoping for the best.