My wife and I have been married for 6 years now, and have 2 kids (3 year old son and 6 month old daughter). Our sex life has never been right since our wedding day, and it’s all my fault. My libido has always been low. I was never in the mood and always had excuses for not having sex. She tried for years and it hurt her deeply, some nights she would even cry. She thought I didn’t love her, I would tell her otherwise, but she wouldn’t believe me. Now she has given up, and she is emotionally distancing herself from me. She tells me now that she “doesn’t feel the same about me anymore” , and that she “doesn’t love me anymore”. She says that the only reason she is still with me is because of the kids. I have started to look into reasons why I have a low libido. I have had medical testing, which has come back negative. So the causes are psychological, i.e. low self esteem and body image issues. I bought a book called, “The Sex Starved Marriage” that goes into details about my issues and how to fix them. But now I can’t try to do better sexually because she told me recently that she doesn’t even want to have sex anymore because when we do it’s awkward. So it’s like we are at a stalemate. She doesn’t love me enough or feel emotionally bonded to me to have sex with me. But I feel that if we started to have sex again we could start repairing our relationship, as that was the void that has driven us apart. I have been trying to meet her other needs to bring her closer to me (i.e. being more affectionate…).

There is also another worry I have. If things weren’t bad enough, I am afraid that she could be getting involved in an emotional affair. I could be wrong, and could be blowing things out of proportion… I hope I am. I just know I need to fix things fast before things get out of control or something bad happens.

Can anyone suggest what I can do to end this stalemate? It’s so ironic that I am now in the position that my wife was in before. I love her so much.. I can’t imagine losing her.

Greg

Neon,
Welcome to Marriage Builders!
Keep working on meeting all your wifes needs. Try not to love bust at all. Read as much information on here and post over in general discussion it gets more traffic.

There is another great book that I think will help you and it's called sheet music by Dr. Kevin Leeman

As far as your wife possibly having an EA that could be possible and I would be making an appointment for counseling. And if you haven't get the Book his needs her needs by Dr. Harley

Can anyone suggest what I can do to end this stalemate?

I'm sure you can figure a way to wake her up in the middle of the night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the advice HurtingNCali. I actually do own "His Needs, Her Needs" and I have read it. I am trying hard to not to love bust, or withdrawal from her "Love Bank" anymore than I have. Deposits are want I want to make from now on. I tried the counseling angle a little over a year ago but she didn't like that. We talked about my dislike of her relationship with her coworker in the session. She only came to one session with me. I went to a few other sessions and worked on my self-esteem issues. She said she didn't like going to a complete stranger and talking about our problems. She said all we do is say the same stuff all over again with another person present. So I guess I am on my own.

I might just try your "middle of the night approach". Maybe that will work for the stalemate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Neon,
I really think you should post over in General questions. You will get great advice over there.

Do you think there is or was an affair going on? It sounds like fog talk.

Don't give up! From what I'm reading your really trying. And actions speak louder than words.

I don't think there is an "actual" affair going on, but if there is an EA going it that is a slippery slope. Back when I confronted her about me being uncomfortable with her relationship with him she denied that there was anything wrong. She just said they were "just friends", you know the typical response. You see she doesn't have any girlfriends, so he is the only one she has because friends with as all the other people she works with are our parents age. I wish she had girlfrinds.. but we just aren't in situations to meet new people very often with our kids and all (and we aren't very social people which doesn't help).

I'll take your advice and post my question again in "General Questions" and see what kind of advice I get there too.

Neon,
It's surprising how fast an affair can happen.
My husband within a month of meeting his coworker had started an affair with her. So please be careful. Check cell phone records and email if possible.

The only male friend she should be confiding in is you. There are alot of parents at your childrens school she could meet.
I'm not a social butterfly, but most of my friends are parents I meet just dropping or picking up my kids at school.

There are alot of ways for her to meet new people and you could help her with this.

Is there something you both enjoy doing together? If so maybe find a group to join. Or have your kids join in some activity or sport were you both can get involved and meet other parents.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm glad you have decided to post over in general questions you'll be happy with the response over there. Keep trying and really think of ways that you guys can meet new people.

Neon,
Just checking to see if your still around?

I feel for you. I have been there - literally - in my marriage. I was the one with the strong sex drive, and I would cry often because my husband just didn't seem to want to be with me and I felt unloved. I can relate 100%.

You may not want to hear this, but you need to get a counselor. Don't push too hard for your wife to have sex with you right now. Start with Dr. Harley's basic concepts and meet each other's emotional needs even if you feel like you don't want the other person to meet the needs.

But even so, in my opinion, you still don't want to push the sex issue too hard just yet. Because of the unresponsiveness of my husband to my sexual needs early in marriage and his strong need for sex after I had "lost" my need, I developed an aversion to sex - I was so bitter and resentful that he now wanted to have sex after all the pain I went through.

That is the last thing your marriage needs. Get a good counselor and discuss the issues with him/her before pushing the sex issue to the point that one of you develops a strong aversion. You can work through this. Just start with killing the love busters and meeting the other emotional needs. Then get counseling from someone competent (and I would advise someone who uses Dr. Harley's techniques), and you will be well on your way to a happy, fulfilling marriage again!