Can someone please show me how to find the info on making respectful request.

Also I would really appreciate any examples of a respectful request. Thanks in advance.

What is it that you would like to ask? Just give us an example or two.
Mulan

You mean asking someone to do something? I would just ask. Just say: "hey Joe, will you pick up your dirty underdrawers? I would be much obliged."

Just say it; real simple.

Ok I would like my H to help with the kids more. I also want to have plastic surgery. Which he is by the way very against it. Thank you guys

You will be NEGOTIATING. What's something extra special that YOU DO FOR HIM? How will these things BENEFIT HIM AS WELL? It's not about ME, ME, ME. It's about how can we WORK THIS OUT AS A TEAM?

So how can these issues best be NEGOTIATED?

What would APPEAL to him about the PLASTIC SURGERY? How can you fit it within your budget? How can you remedy whatever his concerns are about it?

Same with the childcare....

Is there an example that you can use of something that's really important to HIM but is not that important to YOU? I will go to EVERY SINGLE BASKETBALL GAME FOR A YEAR...just joking..but you get what I mean????

Mimi I will think on this and get back with you. I appreciate your help more than you know. You all all of the helpful MBer's you guys are truly life savers.

I want to ask H about child support check that bounced and has left me in a bind. I would like to know how soon he can reimburse me for the original amount plus my bounced check fees. I want to be sure not to LB when talking about this sensitive issue. Partly so he doesn't get mad, and partly so I can have the peace of mind knowing that I approached things calmly and reasonably if he ends up mad anyways.

FIL, try not to punch or shoot him for kiting a check on you and your children. Leave your pistol at home if you feel too angry to address it calmly. That would be a lovebuster.

I would, though, tell him that he needs to make it good NOW lest you turn it over to the sheriff for collection. It is illegal to bounce a check, and immoral to give a hot check to your own wife for family support.

You should not protect him from the consequences of his actions on the altar of lovebusting. It is a lovebuster to write hot checks for family support, after all. Not to mention ILLEGAL!

LOL! This one cracked me up! Thank you so much for making me smile tonite.. and I'll try to remember that shooting is a lovebuster! I'll post a real reply when I stop rolling on the floor!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> popping a cap on his [censored]=HUGE LOVEBUSTER! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

turning him over to the district attorney for writing his wife hot checks=CONSEQUENCE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

One way you could approach it is discreetly mention it to him - giving him the benefit of the doubt that it's some kind of "mistake" (which it probably isn't.. but tact comes into play here.

"I'm not sure if you're aware, but that check you gave me was returned by the bank, unpaid. When do you think you might be able to attend to that?" or words to that effect. Choosing words carefully can make the difference between a fight and not a fight.

If he blows it off - then get thee to an attorney. I had to when my Ex bounced the mortgage check (which was part of a property settlement that he agreed to)... I had to go back to court and file a contempt motion - the court compelled him to pay me back with interest.

I tried the tactful route, but when I got a foreclosure call I let my lawyer deal with it.

JinGA

I personally use the "WTFS" method for respectful requests:

"When you....
I THINK...
I FEEL...
So, I'd like to request..."

Here is an example, "When you do not participate in taking care of the kids, I think I wish I could have a break too, and I feel like I am being taken advantage of, so I would like to request that when you come home you take a one hour break to decompress and then every night you be responsible to give them all their baths so I can have some time to decompress. Does that work for you?"

-OR-

"When the child support check bounces and it puts me in a bind, I think it is unfair to our kids, I feel upset and worried about the finances, so I'd like to request that all the fees for the CS that bounced be paid by Friday, and I'd like to further request that all CS be sent via money order. Would you agree to that?"

DIG:

You want him to help you with the children more.....

Do you want him to help you, or do you want him to do it your way?

Two different things. And both designed to set him up for failure.

Lets look at option #1:

He is at work all day and you are with the kids.

So in the evening, you want a break, "Here, deal with these kids"

And he is like, "I just got home from work, where is my break?" But he can't say that. You can say the first line, but he can never say the second. "What, you don't like the kids? What kind of father are you?!"

Then lets look at option #2: Not doing it your way.

You want him to read to the kids, and do the things that you do with them. That ain't gonna work. Cause he a man, and a father. He would do the exact same things as you, but he ain't you. What fun does he have with the kids? How does he interact? Your kids are younger. His real role as a father is coming.

You need to be finding the things he does well with the kids and praising that. And then his role can be expanded from there. To do the things that he does best as a father.... Not as a mother replacement.

And, if you really want him to help in the evening, take inventory of what is really happening over a period of time. And stop making assumptions that every evening is the same. We all have a routine, and what is the true nature of that routine?

If he sits in the easy chair all evening drinking beer and yelling at the kids to be quiet? He needs to change this, of course. But what do you really want him to do?

Do you want him to change the diapers in the evening? To take over all the things you were doing during the day? Might happen. Hard to hope for however. And set up for him to fail at it. So decide what you really want from him. And come to us for a REAL plan to help make it happen.

As for the plastic surgery?

Your breasts are large enough, Botox is overrated and and if he ain't complaining, It's all in you...

LG

Well hello LG long time no see. I have to say you have given me something else to think about. I have been getting a lot of that latey.

I want to say I just want him to help I really don't care what he does. Ok I will give you a typical day of my H with the older kids. He comes home from work because I get them up and off to school before he goes to work. When he gets in from work we are all happy to see him and we give him lots of hugs and kisses. Then after that he gets settled in uses the bathroom and then he heads to his office to get on the computer. Where he pretty much stays until he wants some interactions from us. Then he sits on the couch with his laptop and watches t.v. in between glimpes up from the computer screen. Then I go cook dinner and he will keep the kids in here with him usally playing with the little ones and watching t.v. with the older ones. Then I call the kids to the table so they can eat dinner and he goes back to the t.v./computer. He hardly ever eats meals with us. Then after that I get the kids ready for bed and that's the most interaction he has with them.

On the weekend it's pretty much more of the same except he helps me clean.

Some days he does play with the children but most of the time he doesn't. When you get a chance I want you to find the post posted to turtlehead and then tell me if I have a justified beef with my DH. I love him to death I am just tired and I need some help.

DIG,

This is an ez one. Come on you vets the fact I even have to be involved here....means my advice is probably bad.

How about this once a week or once every two weeks, you go out and leave the kids with him.

You go to a starbucks or a bookstore or a movie or a nailshop or who the heck cares. Get out and take a break.

As for the surgery with that many kids you have better things to spend your money on.

LG??? Lots of DJs with respect to DIG...

This is what she said:



And you said:



Where did you get the "DO IT YOUR WAY" part? She said: SHE WANTS HIM TO HELP HER MORE...We do not know EXACTLY what she means BUT no reason to ASSUME that she WANTS IT HER WAY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />



WHERE DOES THIS SCENARIO COME FROM???? Is this your assumption about what would happen???? Why are you ASSUMING that her H thinks THIS WAY???



Did DIG say this? That she wants him to do the things that SHE does with them?



I disagree with you on this, LG. His ROLE AS A FATHER IS THROUGHOUT THEIR LIFETIME..In fact, MY OWN HUSBAND was MUCH MORE INVOLVED WHEN THE BOYS WERE YOUNGER...



I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU ON THIS, BUT DIG didn't say that she wanted him to be a MOTHER REPLACEMENT.



NO, THIS IS NOT UP TO DIG. IMO, it is up to her to share with him her concerns and for him to respond accordingly. THEY NEED TO WORK OUT A PLAN THAT WORKS FOR THE BOTH OF THEM..SO THAT THE BOTH OF THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE..not JUST HER WAY..or not JUST HIS WAY...



MY MOUTH DROPPED WHEN I READ THIS, LG!! Like Mel says, YOU MUST BE SMOKING CRACK???

It's her body. She has every right to make the changes that SHE desires if it FITS WITHIN THEIR BUDGET. DIG has every right to BE HAPPY WITH HER OWN BODY AS DEFINED BY HERSELF...

Mimi..who happily and thankfully had two plastic surgeries, thinking about another one...

My H is HAPPY about THEM because I AM HAPPY ABOUT THEM....

With that many kids she probably DEFINITELY NEEDS the surgery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How do you know how they need to spend their money?

What's wrong with you guys? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It sounds like a habit. Just like in Harley's book. Almost exactly like the example in the book.

I am similar. I like to come home and play games on the computer. My first change was to make sure to spend time with my wife connecting after being at work. Sort of an hour or so of "how was your day?" stuff. I have been making a conscience desision to spend less time alone on the PC. I find I miss not spending time with her, if it's not possible for whatever reason.

She has also taken an interest in what I'm doing and we play on the computer together. That was HUGE for me, RA being one of my top 5. She enjoys playing too. You never could have told her that a year ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you tried entering his world some? It could make a great win-win in the negotiations for more help.

It really doesn't matter what the surgery is for, IMO. It's something to POJA.