I really need some guidance on how to handle a situation that is brewing and that will have to be dealt with.

My D wants nothing to do w/my XH. She doesn't want to see him, be around him, talk to him, etc. She wants to pretend that he doesn't exist.

Reasons:
She has witnessed some of the abuse toward me.

She has been told by a family member of some things he has done to me, i.e. threw pen that went through my top lip.

Early on he ignored her in favor of his kids. He made a big deal out of adopting her; his idea. Then, he would get mad at me and get his kids and leave house w/my D standing there.

He has over the years tried to make up for it but she could see/tell the difference.

I have tried my best not to make negative comments about him to her but she just doesn't want anything to do with him.

I have over the years taken the blame for things that she did so that he wouldn't get mad at her. I would clean up after her so he wouldn't see a mess and get mad.

She is a typical lazy teenager and when going to house after school would leave messes. He would get mad at me b/c I didn't make her clean up things before we left.

As with our marriage, I did some stupid stuff. I tried very hard to not let him see anything negative about her so that he would love her. Stupid huh? But, her bio dad divorced her when we divorced and I really thought that heaven opened up and my husband fell out. I wanted nothing to harm the relationship they were building.

They did well together when his kids weren't around. When they were around it was a struggle. I made some poor choices and didn't handle his kids well and my daughter paid for it.

I really don't know how to handle this.

Today, I had to go to a store for work. My D was w/me. I saw my XH and he pulled into the store behind me. When my D saw him, she went ballistic. She was very angry that he was there. She got out of the car and went into the store without speaking to him. He said that he could tell that she wanted nothing to do w/him.

I tried to cover for her by saying that she was mad b/c she wanted some shoes I told her I wouldn't buy. Well, that backfired b/c he called and asked where I was later and I told him shoe store. So, I had to hear about the difference between how I treated his kids and what I do for her.

What do I need to do?

Do I just need to let her handle it w/him or do I need to tell him that she wants no contact? Then, I will have to hear about how he has to pay CS but can't see her.

I know she can legally make a decision to see him or not in my state. I won't force her to have contact but, I have told her that she needs to be respectful if he is around her. She doesn't have to see, talk or be with him but, she must show respect. Is this wrong?

At times he says he knows he really screwed up with her. At times he says he would like to repair the R.
At times he says if she wants to see him, she can call him.

So, what are your thoughts about how to handle this?

l2s,
if she is already a teenager she is old enough to be able to communicate her likes and dislikes... thus if she does not feel like talking or seeing her dad it is her resposibility to tell him. You should not be covering for her. Though she may be upset with him she still needs to respect him.
jmo
LIC

i would get her into some counseling to deal with her anger.
AND, if she doesn't want to see him she needs to tell him and to tell him why.

my dd, who is only 9, when my ex finally could take them overnight, she did not usually want to go. she was afraid she would miss me, etc. well, the counselor told her if she did not want to go with her dad she had to tell him so and tell him why. it teaches them how to communicate their feelings towards the parent they have the feelings towards.

it was not easy, especially since she was only 9. she was so scared to hurt her dad's feelings. but she needed to be honest with him. i so believe she has an easier time being honest with him now because of it.

i think it is very wrong for you to cover for her. i understand why you do it, but it is not helping the situation.

mlhb

He sounds abusive. Why would you want her to be around that?

You lying to "protect" her, isn't helping. It's distorting their relationship. Good or bad.

It sounds like you interfered in their relationship quite a bit. I would apologize to both of them for not allowing them to learn how to get along. Of course, if he was abusing, it's good you got out.

Step parenting is tough. Hard to let the non-bio parent actually parent sometimes. I've spent many years on the step-parent side of that.

There is no "typical" teenager. Only a large child pushing boundaries and trying to find where they fit. At some point, you have to make them clean up their own messes.

I would not "make" her have anything to do with him. He made his bed, let him rot in it as far as she is concerned. IT is up to HIM to try and make amends with her not the other way around.

The facts need to be told here -

You are in counselling with a counselor experienced with domestic violence and abuse and you are receiving support through the women's shelter - they are the people who are best able to offer you the kind of advice you need...not necessarily strangers on the internet who do not know the full extent of the problems you are dealing with.

Your divorce from this man has just gone through, and presumably your daughter is aware of this. You don't say whether or not your husband knows yet whether or not you are divorced. You are in the process of removing all your stuff from the house you once shared. I know this is a terribly painful time for you, but you have to set what you have just said in this post in context - in other words, other people just picking up on this post without having read your other threads will not appreciate what's actually happening in your life right now.

You have been given some very good advice, which is to protect yourself from this man, and you are a very brave woman trying to heal yourself.

So I'm asking you a question...why are you thinking you have to somehow MANAGE contact between your daughter and your XH?
Because that's what it appears you are asking advice for here...you want advice on how you can manage the contact that occurs between your D - not his daughter, your daughter - and the man you have just divorced because of his infidelity and abuse.

I think, and its just my opinion, that your daughter is healthier than you are at this point. She wants no contact with him. She wants no contact because she has been a witness to what he has done to you, and ALSO because he has treated her like a second-class citizen compared to his own children, even though he did adopt her. That must hurt like H**l. She's not stupid. She is more in touch with her healthy feelings than your are right now. A healthy response to being treated badly is to be repelled by it and want to run away. She is LOYAL to YOU, her own mother, the only parent she has. Respect that, L2S - respect the great love your daughter has for you and support her in having no contact with him. Have respect for the hurt feelings she has. I understand your asking her to be respectful when she has to speak to him. But avoiding speaking to him by leaving is a valid way for her to protect herself and is not, IMO, disrespectful.

You are her role model...what kind of example are you setting for her if you continue to let this man walk all over you with hob-nailed boots on....? What kind of advice are YOU going to be able to give her if she finds herself someday, falling for a man exactly like XH - when you will be able to see as clear as day, and she won't? What are you going to tell her to do then?

You are STILL playing his game - of pacifying him and covering up in order to avoid the anger and abuse you suspect will come down on you if he is DISPLEASED. You are divorced and you are STILL mentally and emotionally tied to how HE behaves - in other words, you are still awarding him power over you. Like, how come you are still worried that he will find out you went shoe shopping? What business is it of his what you do now? What business is it of his what YOUR daughter does now?

Is this because you need CS from him? And this raises a big question. He is stepfather to your daughter - so he adopted her...that gives him legal rights. Is he going to use those legal rights to continue to try to have control over you? Are you going to allow him to do that?

You still have to make the break, L2S, in your own head, and decide who has control over your life, you, or him.

You don't need any advice on how to manage interaction between XH and D. That is exactly what you have to STOP doing. You have to stop managing. Your compulsion to manage is part of the defence mechanism you have built up as part of the abusive cycle. You have to dismantle that as part of your own healing. You have to start choosing to protect yourself and your daughter. You have to allow your daughter to choose to protect herself by choosing no contact. You have to start trying to see your own behaviour in context.

You sound like you live in a very small town and cannot avoid bumping into him at times. Be civil but firm. If your D does not want to talk to him when you bump into each other, support her right to choose no contact. Remember - given what your daughter has witnessed herself, experienced herself, and also been told about what he has done to you, anger is a normal emotional response.

Talk about this with your counselor. You talk about having made bad choices. Everyone makes bad choices. Everyone has regrets. Abusive people use those bad choices, and also the normal angry emotional reaction you have about being treated badly, against you - they use everything they can against you as a psychological weapon to make you feel unworthy. So stop beating yourself up about it and start giving yourself permission to have normal feelings about how you have been treated.

Remember - your daughter needs your help. You need to start trying to protect her.

Keep your daughter away from this abuser. Applaud your daughters loyalty to you and do not encourage this relationship.

MEDC

I really don't think that he is going to attempt contact w/her once I have all my stuff out of the house and he and I have no contact.

I'm just not sure if I should just allow her to meet with him and tell him how she feels or if I should shelter her from that.

This is most definitely conflict avoidance on my part.

I just don't want him to be nasty to her.

My situation is a world apart from yours. However I have dealt with both of my children (pre-teen and teen at the time) being extremely angry at their father.

A friend who went through something similar, suggested I do this, and it worked very well. I don't know if it will be useful to you or not but I haven't seen it suggested and it may be worth a try.

Have your daughter write him a letter. Let it all hang out. If she's angry, disappointed, frightened - whatever. Encourage her to write it all down. If she does not want you to see it, give her an envelope to seal it in and either mail it or hand it off if you are in contact. This way she can communicate all her feelings without you intervening. Then she can get all of her angst out.

I've never forced visitation. We have an agreement in our divorce decree, but I've never "enforced" it either way - if their father (mine it's their bio-dad) wants to see them more often, he can, less often he can - he's been up and down but rather consistent with visitation and I'm flexible with things because "life happens" - but I've never forced my kids to go, and there have been times when for whatever reason, either or both have not wanted to go. That's their choice. I don't interfere, but I did insist that they write letters, both at different times, when they were upset with their father.

Both children *opted* to let me read their letters - which were very impressive - well thought-out, well said and to the point. I gave these letters to ExH at their request, and matters actually got better.

I'm not sure if contact is advisable in your situation but if it was me, I wouldn't force or even encourage contact given the situation you've described. Listen to your daughter - she knows what she needs - that's YOU. Be there for her.

In loving support,

JinGA

JinGA,
The letter is not a bad idea. Even if she never sends it, writing out how she feels would probably be a good exercise for her. Even if she doesn't show it to anyone.

I think enough of me has rubbed off that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. He plays on her sympathy just as he does me and she does feel sorry for him at times.

But, he has pretty much messed stuff up w/her. I believe a large part of it is that she has been told some of what has happened between us (by family members - not me) and she is like a mother hen where I'm concerned.

She's just ready to move on w/life. She wants us to get a house and start living our lives.

I'm with her on that. I just don't have an easy time of dealing w/him when it comes to saying the truth b/c I fear his reaction.