I finally took action in exposing what was most likely an EA my WW was having. Details about my suspicions are in my story linked in my sig.

After giving my WW the benefit of the doubt and every opportunity to come clean about the exact nature of the relationship she has with this contractor at her job, after much deliberation and researching here, and after 3 confrontations w/ minimal Love Busting as humanly possible, then getting the usual WW venom about "we're separated, it's none of your biz", "we're just friends", "I can date whoever I want", blah, blah....I finally did it.

I got a hold of OM's parents back where he's from, told his mother I suspected an A b/w her son & my wife, then she hung up on me, and about 10 min. later, I get a call from the OM!

I have to take everything he said as pure bull. He sounded very convincing that he is not involved w/ my WW, that he's married himself w/ kids, he wouldn't hurt a family like that, and explained that WW is working for his co. on the side helping them w/ billing, etc. This was news to me, as the WW only mentioned she *might* work for this co. on the side, but never once told me she was actually working for them. Gee, wonder why that never came up in my confrontations with her asking to explain all the cell phone calls b/w her & OM???

So of course, as all the experts here predicted, she became livid, told me she hates my guts, threatened me, threatened to haul stuff out of our house, and is going to file for D. I've already consulted w/ a lawyer before all this, and in light of my WW's threats and legal counsel, I've decided I can't take the chance of losing custody of my kids and filed for D today. It has been a really rough day today, but I can't take the chance of her filing first w/ false accusations and having an advantage in gaining custody.

So, I'm not sure if this turning out quite the MB way, but I have to protect my kids. No chance here now of doing a good Plan B, and my Plan A has been only a measley 2.5 months.

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SP,

The MB way does not say you cannot divorce or decide that divorce is the best thing for you and your family. It is simply a way to maximize any attempts to save the marriage.

I am sorry to hear this turn of events, but if you have made up your mind then go for it.

God Bless,

JL

Did you expose the affair to the man's wife?? That should have been the most important exposure, Sad.

Stick with Plan A, but you need to FINISH your exposures NOW while the iron is hot. It is best to do them all in one fell swoop to get the maximum effect. The OM may have pre-empted you with his wife, but you do need to call her ASAP and bring her in the loop. That way, she can watch from her end. Any other exposures should be done now.

In the meantime, STUDY UP!! Get Surviving an Affair and familiarize yourself with the program.

I think it is good that you filed for divorce to protect your kids, but that shouldn't change your plan.

Thanks JL...the marriage was dead already, and D will just make it legal, at least that's how I'm trying to ease my mind about it. Again, I cannot risk losing custody of my kids, especially being the father, which despite what my lawyer says, I still feel disadvantaged when it comes to custody.

We'll see what WW does next, I guess I can always eat the legal expense and withdraw the petition for D.

ML, I don't think the OM's W was on the list of phone #s I got from peoplefinder.com. The only # that could have possibly been his family's was a # no longer in service.

I had to go with the WW's history and behavior, and the statistics of her leaving me after the initial D-Day, and assume she was involved w/ OM. I was hoping to share my suspicions w/ his W and compare notes to get to the truth, but all other indications show that WW was in at least an EA w/ the guy.

Don't you have HIS phone #? Do you have his address? Do they not live together?

ML, just read your 2nd post...I don't think I can continue Plan A, I guess not for now while she's hating my guts. The D is purely for custody reasons, so I'm not going to just move on or anything like that. If she ever does come around, I'll definitely make myself available to her if she seriously wants to reconsider our M. I have SAA, and it is a little confusing on doing Plan A as the book says nothing about exposure.

Which brings me to this question, should I go straight to Plan B at this point since WW wants nothing to do w/ me, or continue A right on up until the D is final?

Why should you discontinue Plan A? Sounds like its going great!

Plan A has nothing to do with her attitude at all. She is supposed to be mad when you interfere with her affair.

All I have is his cell phone # and full name. He's a contractor working here from out of state. Peoplefinder.com listed about 180 people with his name in the state he's from. From there, about 10 or so live in the metro area he's from. Then some of those #s listed were the wrong residences, others were out of service, so I don't know how else I can find out how to contact OMW.

ahhhhhhhhhh, I gotcha. Can you get a P.I. to find it? sometimes they can find this stuff pretty easy..

Have you tried getting an address and name from a reverse look up on his cell phone through intellius? If they can't come up with the name and address, they don't charge you. Otherwise, I would hire a PI to get it. If you had the address, you could send her a registered letter as a last resort.

I can definitely do the avoiding LoveBusters part of Plan A, but I don't think I'll be able to make any Love Bank deposits while she's angry.

What is a little confusing also is that she moved out immediately after D-Day, and in SAA, the example sitch given has the BS following Plan B after WS moves out.

Hmm, should I go through w/ the D while continuing to do Plan A? We have been spending a lot of time together w/ our kids, mostly for their sake in seeing their parents getting along, so I guess I can continue doing that and attempting to meet her ENs.

You aren't able to make many deposits anyway while they are in an affair. They won't allow it and often they use Plan A to exploit the BS.


Plan B timing should depend on your own individual situation, it is not contingent on living arrangements.


Yes!


Yes, for just a little while longer. I think it is good that you filed for D. That way you are protected no matter what. You can drag the D out but only cancel it if you reconcile. Also, this sets the stage for Plan B and you will have all your legal ducks in a row when you go into Plan B.

I did think of a PI, but decided against it due to cost/benefit. I've already spent enough $ on spying/snooping. The reverse lookup of his cell ph # shows it registered to his co., which his W probably does not have access to the call logs/bill.

Is the exposing I've done not enough? If the purpose of exposing is to breakup the A, then I think what I did last night will accomplish that. I'm hoping here that the OM will not want to jeopardize his family over my WW and just cut & run, AND, my MIL will apply enough pressure to my WW to end whatever emotional attachment she has with this guy. I also want to avoid being perceived as doing this out of spite and "scorching earth" - surgically striking.

Thanks to all replies! Off to bed now, will see you all tomorrow!

Exposing to the OMW most certainly is not "scorched earth." It is exposure 101. Exposing to the OP's spouse is the most powerful exposure you can execute. If any exposure is bound to have a benefit, that will be the one. We have had affairs end THAT DAY when exposed to the OP's spouse. And secondly, how will the OMW know if you don't tell her?

You are passing over an uzi, in favor of a pea shooter, by not exposing to the mans wife.

If the OM did not want to "jeopardize" his family, he would not ba having an affair. Just the fact that you know will not scare him off. They will just be sneakier.

Punk

Don't you DARE quit now ! WS love exposure like Turkeys love thanksgiving ! The reality bull just took a dump through the door flap of her fantasy tent and OF COURSE she's p1ssed.

What you need to be now is a lighthouse - guiding a path home through the chaos.

"I am sorry my actions have upset you. My intention was not to upset you. I did what I thought was right for our kids , our marriage and for us. "

This isn't instinctive, I know, but I will summarise what you have to do now:

1. Detach.
MB is a set of proven techniques that can accelerate the end of an affair, and can manage BS hurt. It is not a way to force your WW to do anything. You have to realise that whether you have a GREAT MB day or a bad one, the decision to stay or go will be made at a near-subconscious level by your WW. So concentrate on your plan A without worrying that you are making things worse. Things can't get worse than having an entitled WW banging an OM.

2. Once you have detached you can start working with the tools you HAVE.
You need to invest in yourself - recognise the habits you got into that were not productive in husbandry and change them. Also identify those emotional needs that your WW has that you can meet under the current difficult circumstances and do it.
Note that it is not the direct focus of your WW that will notice the changes for the better in you, it will be her heart's "peripheral vision". Consistency of goodness, unsung is what overcomes the WS active rewriting of history and casting you as a baddie in their movie. Its not about gestures.

3. Move on in all but fidelity.
Invest in yourself. get fit, if you already aren't. Fashion up, if you're not. Dress to impress. Smell great. Go out with friends often and make sure your WW sees how great you look and that she doesn't know exactly where you're going.

Protect your finances , assets and guardianship of yor kids.

This REALLY worked with Squid. Made the reality that she was threatening to lose me come home to roost.

BUT !! Guard against flirting or spending time wth women. You are vulnerable right now. Stay with male friends.

4. Lock up your taker UTTERLY.
Nothing is a sickening and anti-MB than a needful BS.
I actually 180'ed Squid. Stopped all non platonic touch, no kisses. ILY became "I care". This coupled with investment in myself and being as attractive as I could be drove Squid WILD.

You aren't likely to get any cuddles or lovin' for a while. Best LOCK UP that hope for now. Really.

5. Unlock the door.

I know this sounds crazy. But its only a PRETEND lock you have on the door to your marriage right now.

Tell your WW "look baby, I love you and I'll work as hard as I possibly can on building a new marriage with you if you want, but I won't force you to.I want you, but I do not need you. If you leave or continue your affair I'll be sad,but I will survive. I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity for very long, as much as I want this marriage. You need to do what you think is right. If you want to try to recover our marriage I'll be here for a while yet"

In a nutshell, thats it.

Bob, thank you! Very good advice!

After yesterday and this morning, I believe I'll be able to continue Plan A, despite filing for D. Again, the D is solely for getting legal custody of my kids, as my state has no such thing as legal separation. My hopes anyway are for us to renew our vows in a brand new marriage, so the D will just make things official.

It is sad that I haven't had the chance to follow the plans in order, resorting to D only after my love bank is completely empty and my pain of getting D-ed is minimized. So, the past couple of days have been extremely difficult.

But yes, I am going to focus more on improving myself, and on being an even better father for my kids. I know that I have to emotionally detach myself from my WW to minimize my pain. For now, we have agreed to be civil to each other for the kid's sakes, and we are going to have to be together b/c of them, as my 5 yr. old is starting t-ball this month. So during those times, I will continue with Plan A.

We'll see if that will be possible after she's served w/ D papers, as I am not telling her that I've filed. Any reason that I should warn her?