Its been a bit over a week since i found out about W affair with OM. Ive been up and down emotionally and had many discussions with her.

Ive read this site a thousand times plus.

Okay so heres the story same stuff as always. Had affair. Supposedly only 2 times with guy.

I found out confronted she left and went to stay with friends.

We still have alot of contact and she has to sleep over my house sometimes because i work nights and we have a small child.

I decided after reading and agonizing and searching inside me that i really do want to try and repair this.I know my faults (lack of attentiveness, lack of enthusiasm.. etc.)

Sex was never the problem and as a matter of fact still continues as hot and heavy as always.

Supposedly she has ended this with the guy and told him its bad for her to see or talk to him anymore.
Heres the dilemma. She says she isnt sure what she wants,
that she needs to move out and be on her own for a while, that she doesnt know if she wants to try but is willing to have fun with me and let me try to win her back, that im her best friend.

She keeps insisting its her and shes crazy and that she doesnt know what she wants.

Meanwhile im having to sell the house and live like a bum because she also ran up huge bills behind my back (i was a fool and let her handle all the money).

What do i do?
Should i insist that she move back and help out?
Do i just sit back and watch while she lives it up and i sit at home with the small child and suffer her absence?
How much attention and care for her is too much?
Can i drive her away by trying too hard?
Am i blowing it by continuing to have sex with her so she gets everything with no consequences?

Im still very raw and confused. help please.

This is a post for someone with more experience (a member that has been on board for awhile) It seems to me if she is confused she is probably still seeing this guy. You need to get the truth first off and move into one of these plans and follow it, don't let her have her cake and eat it to.

You should NOT cut off sex. That will backfire big time. You should also be sure that it's really as hot and heavy for her as it is for you.

doingfine is right that you need to know what's really going on. And I think you need to get her to cut off contact and move back home. And you be more attentive, etc.

DeadBunny,

I don't get to hear a lot of stories about irresponsible wives and mothers, but I'll have to tell you...it's not pretty at all.

I can understand you wanting this to work because she is the mother of your child. But she will have to put in some work too. Parenting and being in a M is not a solo effort; both of you have to put in the time. If she's not willing to do either, it's time to seriously consider some MC...or if that still doesn't work...time t get used to a life without her.

Think about your child, and if it's in his/her best interest to grow up with a mother who only thinks of herself.

And about the sex...it should be the icing on the cake...not the forefront of the M. Can you really stand the thought of sleeping with someone you don't trust?

PassionPeach,

Please do yourself a favor. Read and educate yourself on the Harley's principles before you start offering advice on their boards.

Thank you,
Jo

Hello DB

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m going through the same thing but a few months ahead of you in the process. I agree with doingfine. The more seasoned members of this board are the best ones to offer advice. However, you might learn something from the mistakes that I think I made when I was at your stage. So with the caveat that I’m no expert, here are my answers to your questions:

Not as much as you think you need to. The typical male response to a problem is to immediately work on fixing it. We also expect the other people involved to do so too. Your WW isn’t ready for that yet. Try (it’s really hard) to concentrate on yourself and your small child.

If you haven’t already, buy Surviving and Affair and Love Busters. With SAA, concentrate on the sections about Plan A and Plan B. It too talks about love busters but doesn’t really offer practical advice on how to stop doing them. In my case, I thought that I’d read SAA and everything on this site a thousand times too. Whilst I’d read it, I didn’t truly understand it. This is because my emotions stopped me behaving in a DETACHED manner. This resulted in me applying the advice in a half-arsed way and much of it during angry outbursts. Angry Outbursts are the love busters that I’m prone to. The Love Busters book (which I’ve just bought) gives you advice on how to stop doing them that is absent from the SAA book.

The thing I missed (even though it’s there in black and white) is that the purpose of Plan A and Plan B is to properly establish No Contact and to allow your WW to get through the withdrawal period. It’s only then (so I’m given to understand because I’m not there yet) that she will be disposed to working with you on repairing your marriage. Even though I’d read and re-read this, I just didn’t get it.

When preparing your plans, get ready for exposure to your families and the OM’s but for god sake hold your fire until she first breaks NC.
IMHO, no - you should not insist. I think you have the ideal opportunity here to allow her to come back to your marriage and your home only after you have set your personal boundaries so that you can go properly into Plan A. The personal boundaries being correctly established No Contact with the onus on her to continually prove it to you and whatever else you decide you need.
If she won’t move back under your conditions then yes as you have been forced into executing a dark Plan B. I bet she will start to miss you, your home and unfettered access to your child. Right now she’s getting the best of everything. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her under those circumstances as per Plan B.
IMHO, any care and attention right now is too much until you set your boundaries for her to come back.
Yes. I realise that me ‘trying’ has been driving my WW nuts. If you recognise some of your past behaviours that lead to the breakdown in your relationship that you can work on fixing independently of your WW, then focus on that. My WW has recognised and appreciated this. Spend the rest of your time making yourself attractive by working on your body and self-esteem (the latter is really hard when you’ve just had the biggest kick in the teeth imaginable). You have to face facts. Even though you might want your marriage to work, no matter how hard you try it might not. You might as well get ready to continue your life anyway and so getting yourself sorted out works for both these eventualities.
Tough one. IMHO, I would if she was coming back to the marriage with your personal boundaries set and agreed to i.e. she was really trying for NC. Otherwise I wouldn’t as it is just fuelling her ability to run two parallel relationships.

Raw and confused is exactly how I felt. I sympathise and can only tell you that it does get a bit better. Working on yourself physically and mentally to attain detachment is the best way. I wish I had properly realised this three months ago. I wish you the best of luck and as so many other posters have said (to me too), try and lock up the angry man inside of you.

In the absence of replies by more experienced people, I recommend that you read posts from b0b pure*. Just search on his user name. He is a regular contributor here and talks a lot of sense because he has been successful using the MB principles to rebuild his marriage.

Good luck!