Is it a bad idea to continue to have sex with WW even though she still wants to move out and wont completely agree to try and reconcile.

She claims to have told the OM that she shouldnt talk to him anymore.

Problem is she claims to still be my best friend, still has sex with me regularly and still wants to move out and be independent and deal with "herself" and her "crazy".

What should i do?
I want to save the marriag so im doing my best to meet her needs and not pressure her.

Well... has she been tested for STD's??
Personally, I would NOT have sex with her unless she stays at home and commits to the M. If she is moving out, I would sincerely doubt that the A is over.

MEDC

I seriously doubt she has STDs. She only slept with the guy twice i kinda new right away and even if she did get something she was sleeping with me thru the same time and has yet to really not sleep with me since so im probably SOL if she does have something(least of my worries right now). She used condoms according to her.

The bigger question is does it just enable her to continue without really trying to reconcile if i continue to meet her sexual needs?

And what are the repercussions for cutting her off?

Which one is worse?

She really enjoys sex with me so it keeps a big connection with us and im afraid to push her away right now.

If you're happy being a dildo not a husband, keep it up.

If you won't settle for that work out what your personal boundaries are and enforce them Study MB and apply it.

SF can be very connecting between a man and woman, but it can also feel very degrading if our spouse is in an affair.

Can you call Steve Harley and ask HIM the question ?

From Penalty Kill

DB,

MEDC is blunt, but on the money, as he is about 95% of the time.


Well, I say that I shouldn't eat the cookies in the pantry, but then I do it anyway. "Shouldn't" is a long, long way from NC. You need to see action, not words.

I think that you should stop having sex w/WW if she insists on leaving (to continue her affair - *that's* why she's leaving). I also think you would be well advised to call the Harleys and get a plan if you are serious about saving your marriage.

On the positive side, your wife still finds you attractive enough to have sex with. Personally I think that bodes well for a possible reconciliation.

ETA: I didn't see B0b Pure's response when I wrote mine. Look up his posts about how he ended his wife's affair. Very instructional for a BH.

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im glad thats funny to you but its most certainly not to me.

I was looking for serious answers to what the fallout is one way or the other not a degradation. Ive had enough degrading feelings this week to last a lifetime already.

you got a serious answer from me... as you did from Bob P. I just found his words humorous. Sorry for hurting your feelings.

MEDC I have to say I am more and more impressed with you sensitivity as of late. I have to say your advice is very good and you are being very compassionate. What more can someone seeking advice ask for. You go boy!!

I say I agree with the others DB. Tell your wife you enjoy having SF with her but you will only continue to do so if she agrees to NC and to commit to rebuilding your M.

Sorry overreaction.

Just this is very new for me and im scared and dont know what to do.

it was humorous. guess it hurt cause i do kinda feel exactly like that at the moment.

Ive never told her no to sex... im not sure how that will go over even when our relationship wasnt in trouble.

I dont want to lose her and im worried she will view it as me cutting her off to get my way.

just be honest with her... I have been in your shoes and know the pain you are feeling. No apology necessary.
How she views things is not your main concern... WS tend to have distorted views. What you should be concerned about is doing the right thing...being honest with her... and hopefully finding a way to keep her at home. Her leaving could very well be the death of your M.
Call the Harley's.

1. Detach.
MB is a set of proven techniques that can accelerate the end of an affair, and can manage BS hurt. It is not a way to force your WW to do anything. You have to realise that whether you have a GREAT MB day or a bad one, the decision to stay or go will be made at a near-subconscious level by your WW. So concentrate on your plan A without worrying that you are making things worse. Things can't get worse than having an entitled WW banging an OM.

2. Once you have detached you can start working with the tools you HAVE.
You need to invest in yourself - recognise the habits you got into that were not productive in husbandry and change them. Also identify those emotional needs that your WW has that you can meet under the current difficult circumstances and do it.
Note that it is not the direct focus of your WW that will notice the changes for the better in you, it will be her heart's "peripheral vision". Consistency of goodness, unsung is what overcomes the WS active rewriting of history and casting you as a baddie in their movie. Its not about gestures. Read what Dr Harley says about SF in an affair in "surviving an affair". Call Steve for counselling if you can afford it.

3. Move on in all but fidelity.
Invest in yourself. get fit, if you already aren't. Fashion up, if you're not. Dress to impress. Smell great. Go out with friends often and make sure your WW sees how great you look and that she doesn't know exactly where you're going.

Protect your finances , assets and guardianship of yor kids.

This REALLY worked with Squid. Made the reality that she was threatening to lose me come home to roost.

BUT !! Guard against flirting or spending time wth women. You are vulnerable right now. Stay with male friends.

4. Lock up your taker UTTERLY.
Nothing is a sickening and anti-MB than a needful BS.
I actually 180'ed Squid. Stopped all non platonic touch, no kisses. ILY became "I care". This coupled with investment in myself and being as attractive as I could be drove Squid WILD.

You aren't likely to get any cuddles or lovin' for a while. Best LOCK UP that hope for now. Really.

5. Unlock the door.
I know this sounds crazy. But its only a PRETEND lock you have on the door to your marriage right now.

Tell your WW "look baby, I love you and I'll work as hard as I possibly can on building a new marriage with you if you want, but I won't force you to.I want you, but I do not need you. If you leave or continue your affair I'll be sad,but I will survive. I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity for very long, as much as I want this marriage. You need to do what you think is right"

In a nutshell, thats it.

Shes actually already staying with friends. Shes stayed at home the past week alot though because i had to work overnights for a week and she had to stay with the child.

She has disclosed everything to me and still talks to me about where things are at with the OM and everything.

She called me the other night and said she talked to him and told him that it wasnt healthy for her to talk to him anymore. Im not certain whether that is a dumping of him or not.She said she felt dumb cause she didnt think she made it clear enough to the guy.

She has agreed to go out on a date with me friday to just have fun. I want to try and show her i can go out and have fun with her (something i have groaned about and not done for a couple years cause i hate bars instead letting her go with girlfriends and family)

How do i go about convincing her to move back if she is being stubborn and saying its not about the OP that she is crazy and needs to be independent?

Im still unsure on this sex thing too because its a good excuse for connection with her. She hasnt stop kissing me or calling me honey or dear... im very confused.

She hasnt stop kissing me or calling me honey or dear... im very confused.

It's called "cake eating". Most affairees do not want to end their marriage but their sense of entitlement has grown to such levels that they feel they DESERVE the affair.

Its like starring in their own movie while the hormone rush is present and the BS is meek and shocked.

It takes the MB plans with boundaries to tackle this.

1.. you should get tested...because you were placed at risk..

it sends a huge reality check message.....do it without blame...do it and just state factually..
I went and got testing today for STDS because I am concerned that I was put at risk...

it's a boundary..
it's a clear message of the REALITY AND SERIOUSNESS of this....

do you see that....

file for sole custody of the children/child..
have a nice excursion finding yourself love...but MY CHILDREN aren't lost...and they aren't going with you on your trip of laa laa land.....

these are ALL marriage building things to do..

REALITY consequences of ones choices....

what's YOUR plan...

ARK

How do you file for custody without getting a divorce?

I have no idea.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So what I am saying is that ANY spouse that is claiming to leave to for space to find themselves..

warrants a trip to the lawyer by the spouse NOT leaving...

to get the ducks lined up...that the spouse that leaves to find themselves...is really ABANDONING THEIR children..

lets call it what it is.....

and that the spouse NOT abandoning their children clearly communicates their plan NOT to send the children in to that environment
AND
plan to seek FULL custody..

seperation
and
finding oneself
are
not acts to be condoned in plan A..they are not supported financed or assisted by the BS

I am not a lawyer and do not play one on TV or the web

ARK

DB,
You actually got he correct answer from MEDC, in the very first Q he asked you on line 1 of his reply: "Has she been tested for STD's?"

The second most important Q would be, very simply, HAVE YOU BEEN TESTED FOR STD'S?

Take it from one who had to find out the hard way, It is not a trivial Q. As far as using a condom, guess what, they all say that. Truth be known, 95% of all waywards have unprotected sex. Yep, that just the way it is.

Now consider something more important. Have you or she been tested for HIV? Don't know your timeline, but wait at least six months before you take this test. It's important DB, trust me.


Dig, I'm sorry but your advise is totally off base. You speak, like hundreds of others, "as one of the lucky ones", who escaped the devastation of STD's and worse, HIV. The fallacy of your advise is putting DB's health and possibly his like at stake, for SF. I disagree.

Oh well(Lemonman where are you?)

All Blessings,
Jerry