I have 3 kids that are torn between my xh and myself. My xh has spent the last year rewriting marital history in order to justify his affair and leaving for the OW. I thought that the kids, 18,16,14, would be able to see through all of the lies and innuendos that my xh is throwing around but, instead, I get blasted almost daily with his venom spouted through my children's mouths. He has told the kids everything from financial issues to an abortion that I supposedly had. BTW, I have never had an abortion in my life. I was able to prove it didn't happen but I feel the damage was done. The kids all seem to have a much lower opinion of me and treat me with little respect now.

How do I impose discipline with them and not open myself up to my xh getting custody of the kids? At this time, I have full custody and he as every other weekend and Wednesday evenings. He chose not to take his summer visitation or the week of Christmas break. I even offered him a different week in Feb. that he declined. Yesterday, I got a certified letter that was the motion to change custody. The kids all say that it's "only fair" because Daddy has no money. The child support is supposedly a huge burden upon him. Ironically, he can afford to go on an Alaskan Cruise the the OW but can't afford to do things with his kids, or for his kids. And, it's all my fault?

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here. I refuse to just give him equal time since I don't want the kids to be exposed to the OW and my XH's increasingly harmful allegations about me. I certainly don't want them living with them for half of the time.

Anyway, I'm at a loss on this. If I impose punishments, the kids use that against me and see their dad as the savior. If they threaten to move in with their dad, I can't just let them because the court will use that to give him the custody he is asking for. The only thing that makes me feel better, is that they are almost grown and this won't be an issue for ever.

Thanks Loni

Loni,

I am so sorry you are here. The stress of raising three teens and having to compete against your manchild X must be stressfull.

I am not an attorney, but I am told that getting the courts to change custody once it has been awarded is not an easy task. From what I am told, the burdon is on your X to prove there is a compelling reason for the court to change.

If you are worried, consult with an attorney.

From a parenting standpoint, maintain your strength and sanity. Kids want boundaries. They will push them, fight them, but they want them and need them.

HL

I saw where one mom laid out some boundaries with the predictable "I wanna go live with Dad" results - to which she said, "Fine, but you cannot move back here for at least 3 months - none of this using your dad and my differences against each other." If you think it would take longer than 3 months for their father to get sick of the game, then make it longer. Make sure that they get a good snoot full of the crap their father is dishing out before they can come back home. Once they move back home, it's with the full understanding that they stick to your rules.

Well... good news is that the kids are getting better. I grounded one child for telling me to "shut up" for a week. She is acting much better and will often catch herself before she spouts off. The boys are watching themselves too.

Mediation on the custody issue is May 23rd. I have spoken with my lawyer and he says that even if the kids want to change custody, there are 11 other things that have to be proven in a contested custody fight. All he has is a place to live and the kids support. I know I'm doing the right thing, I just hope the kids will understand it later.

Still working on the hate stuff. It's really hard to forgive when the xh and ow continue to do things that need forgiving. The best I can do for now, is pray that God uses this circumstance to make them better people. I can't pray for them to be happy or anything even close.

BTW, I have recently found out that the OW has broken up 3 marriages before mine and had a dozen affairs during her own marriage. Future doesn't look so bright for the happy couple. Funny how I don't feel sorry for him.

Loni

Loni,

Good for you for towing the line.

A divorced friend told me this: Kids will rebel, but they also seek boundaries. If in a broken home, rebelling the teens will gravitate toward the more leniant spouse. However, they also seek boundaries, and they will come back to the house that keeps structure and enforces those boundaries. As they get older, they will see this.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. The uncertainty of a custody hearing will certainly be stressfull.

Good luck and God Bless!

That's a sticky situation. I have 2 teens (young teens) and thankfully I haven't gone through much except some anger issues which were talked out, and involved them writing letters to their father, to vent their anger and seek resolution.

The 18-year old is an adult. If he/she doesn't like it, he/she is free to move where he/she wants to.

In many states there's an age of "choice" - they can choose where they want to live and a judge will consider it.

I don't know about changes after custody has been decided though.

If your kids are acting out, it sounds like it's time for some counselling. Kids go through a LOT, particularly if parents are playing one against the other, or if one parent is filling kids' heads with ideas.

Kids love BOTH parents. It's hard to reconcile that when the parents they love are at war.

I know. I was one of those kids. My parents were absolutely hateful to each other and to this day, 30+ years later, they won't even be in the same town together.

It's hard when you love both parents, and when you hear one parent trashing another, it makes you wonder what YOU are because YOU are a product of both of them.

I was told by my father that I was too much like my mother - as if it was a bad thing.

Well given how my father behaved (3 wives, 2 marriages ended by affairs), now, as an adult and in hindsight, what he meant as an insult was really a compliment - I'd rather be like my mother than like him.

It messes with kids' sense of identity. It pulls at their loyalty - be loyal to one, betray the other - there's no winning for a kid in that situation.

I'm not suggesting that you are stopping to your Ex's level - it really only takes one to be hateful to mess with the kids - and while it may end up costing everyone emotionally, the kids pay the highest price.

Not setting house rules and boundaries is not doing them any favours. It may be hard to punish them for inappropriate behavior toward you, but you don't deserve to be told to "shut up" or anything else, and there has to be consequences to something like that or your home will be out of control.

Don't sacrifice your values to keep them happy - because they are using your guilt to manipulate the situation and that does nobody any good.

Just this past week I was telling my own DS about what a schmuck I was as a kid, and how my own Mom is my hero because she was always there for me, always made Holidays special - and I shared that talk with my Mom.

It may be a rough ride for you for a while - but if you stick to your guns, your children WILL thank you one day - it just may take a while for them to tell you.

In support,

JinGA

Thanks for the feedback. I went to mediation yesterday and we were not able to reach a resolution. So, we will be having a hearing within the month.

I really hate this. I hate that he is continuing to mess with me and to keep this in constant turmoil. I resent having my family ripped apart because he couldn't resist the affair. I resent the fact that I had dreamed about being a mom for as long as I can remember and now, I have to face the idea of being a part-time mom.

I listened to my xh speaking yesterday, and all I could think was "who is this man?" I can't believe I loved him for more than 2 decades. Did he really change, or was I just stupid and in love?

Anyway, I am fighting as hard as I can. But, I am afraid. I don't want what's left of my family jeopardized like this.

Loni

Loni,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know how hard it is - I was in the middle of a terrible custody battle over our three girls for two years. I can relate to much of what you've written. My xh also worked very hard to turn our girls against me. He is extremely manipulative and convincing so there were some really tough times with them.

In the end, I ended up with custody but only after a very long hard battle. He hired a guardian ad litum for the girls and that ended up back firing on him. She said she supported the previous court order of me being primary custodian. Thank God she saw the truth of the situation.

So, we went to a mediator right before our court date when xh realized that he would not gain custody in court. A week after signing our agreement he was threatening to take me back to court again. I finally wised up enough to face the fear and say "Go ahead". I have now made peace with the idea that if he takes me back to court, so be it. I've done all I can do to fight for these girls, the rest is in God's hands. All I know is that I've done what I believe is best for them. Also, it is clearly what they've wanted until their dad started with all the drama.

Also, from what I've learned it would take a lot for the judge to overturn his decision. The GAL and attorney told me there would have to be a major change in circumstances. That being the case, you should be able to retain custody unless something major has changed.

Keep being strong for you and your children. I've been told repeatedly that even though the girls might not appreciate it now, they will someday. I'm trusting that is true! I wish you all the best in your upcoming trial.

Don't be afraid. Many people use the children as pawns, and for mother's, I think it hits hard when someone threatens to take their children away, particularly if they were uninvolved parents.
The courts really do see through this. They want people to work it out on their own, but each step you take means that you will have proof that you tried to be reasonable and compromise. I went through the same thing. X demanded a custody evaluation, and got less than I offered. Despite his threats, he has never come back for more custody. He hasn't even asked for a single day extra with the kids, even when offered.

It is a ploy, to hurt you and to save money. Many of us have lived through the fear that you are experiencing. Know that all will work out. He will get time with the kids, and that is good for everyone.

Thanks for the support. I went to mediation and it was a huge failure. My XH wouldn't stop interrupting me while I spoke and we wouldn't compromise on anything. Forty five minutes later, the mediator stated that this is a case for a hearing.

I hired a lawyer on Friday. He is great. I won't say what he is going to do, in case my XH looks this thread up online. Let's just say that my XH is going to have to start defending himself now.

Had a problem with my DD16 on Friday. I let my boyfriend come over and stay the night with me. The kids were all over at their dad's for the weekend and holiday. I didn't expect any of them to come home, but my DD16 decided to stop by and was able to tell what was going on. She didn't see anything intimate or even close, but she was very angry and called me names as she left. Kind of funny that she doesn't seem to mind that her dad is sleeping with the OW in my DDs bed when my DD is with me.

TTYL
Loni

I realize that you are divorced now and are free to date whomever but, this whole situation is probably still a little raw for your kids. I can imagine that seeing you in that situation with your boyfriend is like rubbing salt in an open wound.

Sometimes it pays to be more discreet. Perhaps you could stay at his place or go to a hotel. Some place that the kids don't call home.

Do you know for sure that it doesn't bother her to know that her father is sleeping with someone other than you? Don't assume. That is a DJ.

You refer to his GF still as the OW. That is a term that is used on this site when you are still married. Now that you are divorced, she is just his GF.

I'm pointing this out because your kids seeing you with another man other than their dad, may not see much of a difference. The court may not see much of a difference either if your XH happens to tell the court that you are having men sleep over at the house and the children are being exposed to it.

You are divorced now and you are both free to date whoever you choose. Just remember, it goes both ways.

You said you have full custody, yet he gets every other weekend and a weekday. Are you sure you have 'full custody' whereas you solely make ALL the parental decisions regarding your children and he has no say so in the matter? He ONLY has visitation? If this is the case, you are a FULL time parent.

If he has parental decision authority equal to yours then it is joint custody. Even though you are the primary placement parent, you would both be responsible for decisions concerning the children. In this case, you are both FULL time parents.

I hate the term 'part time parent'. We are either a parents or we aren't. We don't stop being parents just because the kids aren't with us today.

Please read your divorce papers very carefully.

A few things to clarify... I invited my boyfriend over when the kids were to be with their dad. I didn't expose them to even meeting my boyfriend, much less, staying the night. My DD16 came home unexpectedly and came to the conclusion that my BF was staying over. She saw/heard nothing inappropriate.

I have sole physical custody. My ex and I share legal custody.

I will always think of the woman my ex left me for, as the OW. I think I'm actually being pretty generous by only calling her that. There are so many other names that I find much more appropriate. Actually, this is the first time that I have heard of referring to her differently than the OW. Just because the divorce is final, doesn't change what happened and surely doesn't change her status as a homewrecker.

Thanks for the input anyway.
Loni

I agree with you Loni -- I would call her whatever you want for as long as you want.

Look for information on "parental alienation"....that should give you some legal footing. Do you keep a journal? So that you can state specifically what has happened on what date?

Since the 18-year-old is a legal adult, maybe you could suggest that she live with her dad and report back to her siblings on what it's like there. Then not only will you have all three kids home in a few weeks, but none of them will ask to leave your home again.

Thanks Lexxxy and Aphrodite. Actually, I am considering sending the oldest there if he doesn't get a job and start helping around the house. Maybe he will see that his dad isn't such a pushover as he seems to think.

Loni

No, she's "the ****** who has broke up several marriages and families and lives with her idito POS Ex WH", but since that name is too long and hard to remember OW can suffice.

Hopeandpray,

Thank you! I feel the exact same way. OW and XWH are no longer together, but in my book she will always be OW.

LOL..... thanks Hope and Immovingon. To me she will always be the one who stepped into my marriage and my XH will always be the one who invited her in. I don't know when all of this anger will subside but I'm actually hoping it does now. Before, I held onto it like some kind of badge of honor. I know it will be a lot easier after the two of them break up. I can't stand seeing them together. It makes me want to vomit every time.

My dad passed away last week and my XH was his Power of Attorney. I know, I still can't explain how the heck that happend. Anyway, it caused so many hard feelings between me and my dad. I don't have any regrets but I do wish my XH would have stepped back and let me have this last year with my only parent. Just one more reason to be angry with him, I guess.

Loni

Loni,

So sorry to hear that your father passed.

Please accept the condolences of the the Walking family. We still keep you in our prayers.




I couln't agree more! She in not only "a" homewrecker but she is "THE" homewrecker of your family!

Sorry that you are still having issues with your children. Unfortunately, I know from experience, that your kids understand the new dynamic of the sitch between you and XWH.

They will manipulate BOTH of you to get what they want. I did this when my parents were having difficulties. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to manipulte both parents to get whatever I thought I wanted at the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I saw the same pattern occuring with my nieces when my BIL and his WW were divorcing. I've seen the same pattern with most children of divorce (COD). And I have noticed that the less amicable the D, the more likely the COM will follow this behavior.

On the other hand, the Karma bus is on its way to XWH & OWs' home. I don't know when it will arrive, But when it arrives there may I recommend a comfy lawn chair, big shading umbrella, & a pitcher or 'rita's so you can enjoy the show? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />