DDay was 1/23/07. DH and OW no longer work together and there has been no contact. DH is loving, attentive, and remorseful. I still get sad and he says that he is so sorry that he ever hurt me.

So things should be great right? Well, they are great for him, but I still hurt so much. I still think about the affair every day. Since they no longer work together he no longer accounts for his day anymore to me and I have stopped asking. I know he's not seeing HER, but I worry that someone else may grab his attention and his day is his own. He was calling frequently during the day, stopping by, asking me to lunch but that does not happen much anymore. He only asks me to lunch if he doesn't having anything else to do. He is home everynight at the same time, we do dinner and then watch TV. I've been going to the gym while he watches TV.

I have stopped pestering, nagging, asking him for anything. I used to ask him to help out with this and that, when he was going to get xyz done but don't anymore. I feel myself withdrawing from him. Since the shock of the affair has worn off, I'm back to where I was before the affair and feel that it is all about his wants and needs. I accept now that he is full of empty promises and don't expect anything from him. He tells me all kinds of wonderful things when I'm upset but then he NEVER follows thru on any of them. But now I no longer ask and I'm not gettting angry the way I used to.

I just wish he would put into our marriage and family some of what he does for his work or fishing trips. I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought. I'm angry that I gave and gave to him, supported him, care for the children, maintain the home all the while earning an excellant income and he repays me by having an affair. I just feel so broken that I feel like I'm moving on with my life with no expectations from him. I ask myself based on his selfish behavior, his prior abuse and now the affair why am I still here. Is it because I'm afraid to leave, to have to deal with the ramifications of breaking up this family?

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Hi, I am so sorry that you are hurting the way you are...

Sweetie, the only way you are going to find out the answers to that question is to really do some soul searching...

I understand...I was dealing with the same thing...tons of lip service...no action...once I stopped focusing on the A and started looking at our whole sitch i was able to say that I refused to be treated that way anymore...

I have a summary of my sitch on pg 40, if you would like to take a look...

I'm sorry that I'm not able to answer your question...I was scared of leaving, breaking up the family, being abandoned...lots of things!

The other week I was reading the http://www.retrouvaille.org/ website and the site was up and he asked what it was. I told him and he read the part about it being for marriages in trouble and he said well that's not for us since we don't have any marriage troubles.

I thought to myself, WTF, you just had an affair and you think we don't have marriage troubles. Of course we don't have marriage problems if I don't push for something else/more. He thinks that since he has confessed and we have moved on that all is well. But he puts no effort into this relationship. He thinks it's enough that he calls a couple times during the day and is home every night and tells me that he loves me. He thinks I should be thankful/grateful for that. I'm sure others who are suffering much more than me would probably say the same.

I've been wanting us to do some fun family things for a long time but unless it's something he wants to do then he won't commit to anything. Fishing is his passion right now and he scheduled a weekend trip in June with his fishing buddies. But try to get him to commit to/plan a family trip/vacation (that was not about fishing) would be like pulling teeth. Right now I'm tempted to schedule my own vacation with the kids and just go because he would never take time off for it.

I know I'm venting which is not much help. But he does not want to hear what I have to say. He tells me I shouldn't feel what I'm feeling, so I've just stopped talking.

But in the words of Dr. Phil, "how's that working for ya". Well it's not, but talking didn't either. So what do i do?

Have you read Surviving An Affair?
Has your husband?
What about His Needs Her Needs?
Has he read the articles on this site?

You both need to do the emotional needs questions and learn to meet one another's needs.

Can you afford to call Steve Harley for some counseling? Some insurance companies will pay for sessions for marriages impacted by affairs, maybe not with the Harleys,, but with a counselor. If you can't afford it maybe you can call the free radio show- the link is at the top of the page.

My husband was of the mindset it is over, let it go. It took some time for him to realize I was not in that same mindset. My counselor said it was like I needed to be in ICU for the trauma. My FWH had to learn how to run the ICU for his BS.

Only a few months out, it seems like he should be making more of an effort- maybe you just need to let him know what you need.

We have read SAA and HNHN and he has read some on this site. Years ago I wanted us to do the questionaires but he didn't want to. He filled out the questionaires and game them to me the first day he kissed OW. I said we need to do them again and we need to do what the book recommends, he says yeah okay but then makes no effort. We would do them if I pushed for them. But I'm tired of pushing, I want him to make some effort. I have told him that but it fell on deaf ears.

I could suggest conseling with the Harleys, but he would be like "why, what's wrong with our marriage'. I know he's not a mind reader, and he told me that I need to talk to him since he can't read my mind. But I'm to the point where I don't want to talk anymore because it doesn't make a difference. It may for a day or so, until he thinks I'm calmed down but it's back to normal in a couple of days.

when he asks what is wrong with your marriage- tell him.

I know it sucks, but a lot of this falls on your shoulders to keep it moving forward, to keep him in the right direction.

I typed up a list of my EN and his EN. I sent mine to him. Every couple of weeks we have a check up time. How are we meeting each others' needs.

Push him.
It is what you need to do.
You can not push and just let everything go back to like it was pre- a or you can push to make things better.

Share with him, BF...that it takes at least two years to recover...not four months. Things aren't supposed to be great right now...you are dealing with the equivalent of the death of a spouse or a parent.

Are you periodically checking his cell and email in front of him, to verify no contact?

Are you sharing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs with him? Are you listening and acknowledging his sharing?

Are you clearly stating, "I'm hurting right now and I want to heal. There are two parts to recovery...personal and marital. I work on my personal, you work on yours and together, we work on marital recovery."

Be clear, respectful, informative and open. Verify, learn your boundaries, predetermine your progressive boundary enforcements and do not doubt your choice to fight for your marriage.

The fight is still on.

Grieve well and fully, BF.

LA

Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement. Yes I still have access to e-mail and cell phone records so I do know that there is no contact. I know I need to share with him my feelings. But a big part of me wants him to take charge, take the lead. I've been wanting that for a long time, even before the affair and especially now. I kept hoping that he would come around, and giving up on that hope hurts alot. I want him to fight for this marriage since he was the one who broke the vows. I want him to do some work instead of things always being so easy for him.

This is grief. It's heartbreaking to know that our circle has been broken. What we had was not so special or even close to special since OW got in SO easy. That hurts alot too. That it only took a few e-mails over 2 weeks for him to choose the path he did. That is the part that I think alot about. I put myself in that place, another man paying me attention. I think it would take alot more than a few flirty e-mails for me to betray DH. He crossed the line so easily, makes me think he did it before and will do it again.