My wife and I together 7 years both been married before me once her well im number 5. Past seven years had been great ppl commented until around last christmas how close we were.distance grew between us and things bagan to fall apart rapidly she confessed to havibg an affair recently and a week ago agreed to no contact, I told her she would have to choose but if she chose him I didnt want her calling anymore. I have always been sure to do extra things for her backrubs often wash her back foot massages everything I could think of that might be special, was always sure to tell her I loved her many times thru the day.
We havent argued in 7 years untill the OM came along she quit her job when she agreed to no contact but wasnt willing to write the letter. today she went back to work to get her last check and she ran into him. she tells me we are back to square one again and she dosnt know where to turn.She is my one and only and I have no interest in anyother. Oh we did fill out the ENQ and amazingly we wanted the same things not that unusual for us we were always closly matched. same birthday and all. anyway she hasnt moved out or anything but I dont know how much more of this i can take...Im concidering kicking her out just so she can see for herself...But Im afaraid Ill never get her back. This is the hardest thing and the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced I lost my first wife to countless affairs I had only stayed because of the kids. we were together 15 years. Oh My wife and I she had never stayed with anyone before me more than a year or two. also she turns 40 in june this a factor she listens to teenie bopper music now and dresses the same which is annoying. But I really havent told her that

Hmm...

I'm sorry you are in such pain... you have my empathy there.

May I ask *why* her other 4 marriages failed? IMO that could be a huge red flag. People change, but they really don't change who they *are*. If she's not the sort of person that can be happy in the long-term with another person, and she's demonstrated that, the odds don't look too good, I'm afraid.

Why won't she write the letter? Sounds to me like she's trying to keep one foot on the other side of the street.

JinGA

Infidelity on the husbands behalf. she had a rough childhood and spent alot of her time in foster care.
She really is goodhearted she is just really confused lately due to the other man and the hours she was working due to we found out last july im going blind from a horrindously rare disease sounds like a soap box opera! anyways We talked and as of about an hour ago I took her to be with the other guy she said till she figures out if thats what she needs or is why she is so unhappy. thru the past weeks I have done everything special I can think of she seems like she has a good day then a bad she is bipolar as well. See what I mean SOOOoooo lets see : Im disabled, She was working nights unable to get different hours to have family time, Turning 40 in june, Her van she loved so much was repossesed, Dr. put her on Prozac 40mg a day, Everything that could go wrong has no matter how hard I tried to fix it! Just really frustrated right now. I dont think this thing with the other guy will last and Im not so sure she was completely sold on going to the other man she was sayin one thing but acting like another.oh she also has epilepsey forgive my spelling please. dont know what to do.
Why do I want her back Before all this mess She brought me so much joy, Loved me so deeply, I have always been afraid to totally let go and fall in love with other ladies but she was so different I loved her at first sight.Cant say that for my first wife...anyways...Im thinkin positive in all this and she'll come home just may need some pointers.

All four husbands??? Are you sure it wasn't just the one bad wife having those affairs? Are you SURE?

Her mom told me she had anger issues in other relationships.
She has been sweet until this guy came along

Last night I had made up my mind not to talk to her anymore but one thing led to another and we were alot of hurtful words thru text. Until about midnight when she finally called me. We argued yelling for hours at each other most of it now looking back was just nonsense. But I do have a mojor problem with the images of them together and How do you get around that? I told her if she stays past tonight there would be nothing to negotiate...were done. She told me I was being insensitive to her feelings. I asked her what about me and the kids do we matter, Sleeping around is more important? I really need some help. Im beginning to feel like its hopeless and even if I do get her home can it ever be as good as it was? In 7 years I never once yelled at her or forced my opinion on her until lastnight. I hated being so mean but I was hoping she would wakeup and see what shee is throwing away and reminded her of all the wonderful times we had shared and the love we felt for each other..Ok I was thinkin the cryin was over...gotta stop for now.

"Well" is right! I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Let me tell you what Dr. Harley told me about people who have multiple divorces. He said that some people have adopted a philosophy that it's easier to walk away from a relationship rather than try to solve whatever problems exist. Usually this kind of philosophy has been reinforced through modeling, typically from a parent, but it can also be supported from their own experience. He said it's very difficult to get these kinds of people to change that philosophy.

The best chance of recovering your marriage is probably counseling. Obviously you have a lot of issues to discuss.

Good luck.

Let's see she's been married 5 times... she's cheating and YOU feel bad for saying stuff to her. Here's something to say today... BYE BYE to ex number 5! Send this "lady" packing...she is not worth your effort.
On top of that... you have said several times that she is your whole world. Well, it is high time you change that. IC and getting away from this nut job should do wonders for your life.
I am sorry for your pain.

MEDC

T/A:

Yes, it sounds like she is working on #6. And Hiker said it best. Some people just walk away from problems.

You becoming blind? Seems like enough of a problem for your WW to find a new solution.

Really look at the material you are working with here.

Because we can provide a lot of support, and even advice, but the type of serial behavior exhibeted by your WH is very difficult to change.

IMVHO.

LG

Well if she's bipolar and on Prozac, that's not going to help - it's going to increase the mania. Her behavior is her *choice* but if she's on the wrong medication for her ailment, that could have some influence on her judgment.

She needs to be seen by a psychiatrist who can treat the bipolar. I'm not a doctor but I do have some direct experience with family and friends with emotional disorders, and bipolar needs either Lithium or similar, and possibly Wellbutrin to combat the depressive cycle - however she sounds like she's in a manic cycle, or even a mixed cycle.

Like I said, I'm not a doctor - so I'm not dispensing medical advice - but I can tell you firsthand that the wrong medicines can ruin somebody's life. I'm not a sufferer but I've lived with one.

You can't blame it all on the meds or the illness, but a big part of this could be influenced by it.

See if she'll talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist. That's about all you *can* do - but if she can't manage her condition, or won't - you're better off letting her go. It's not easy, but for you not to be dragged down with it, sometimes it's the only way.

JinGA

JinGA is right. Putting someone who is bipolar on an anti depressant only makes them WORSE. They need a mood stabilizer AND an anti-d if going that route. My H has bipolar and before being diagnosed he was put on anti-d's and it was like a train wreck. She needs to be in the care of a PSYCHIATRIST who can handle this. Most IC's *think* they can handle it, but in my experience they can't. Until she is properly medicated, you'll be dealing with this behavior for the rest of your life.

I also agree with JIN in that it does sound like she's in a manic cycle. It is a terrible illness to deal with it for ALL involved. She also HAS to step forward and accept and manage her illness for her to be better. That is very tough to get someone with BPD to do. It is a very hard road. Tons of info online about BPD too that is very helpful.

Callie1, you and I are on the same page. SSRIs can throw somebody with BPD into the worst circumstances. The anti-d for a depressive cycle has to be something else - not an SSRI, because it makes the manic phase, 10 times worse.

Like I said, your W still has choices to make, but it's quite possible that her A is a spinoff of a Manic cycle, and she's out of control. A sufferer often can't see that when it's happening but once they get stable again, they have a ton of regret. It's been described to me as if someone else "took over".

The first thing I'd do is get her to a psychiatrist if she's willing. One that specializes in BPD. If she won't do that, there isn't much you can do, unfortunately.

JinGA

Once again I agree with JIN - it IS like someone takes over. Unfortunately for you totallyamys - bipolar or not a punch in the gut still hurts. She had an A - bipolar or not you still have to deal with the ramifications of her actions and it's hard. That's what makes this disease so hard for everyone involved. I am going through my own personal resentment because of everything that my H did while undiagnosed and unmedicated. It for sure takes its toll. Also as Jin said if she's not willing to go see a psychiatrist and get proper treatment, there is NOTHING you can do about it. It's a terrible situation to be in. Hang in there.

I became involved with a very nice and loving man after my M ended. He had some physical problems - gout, and being in so much pain, he became depressed. Dr. put him on anti-ds meant to be only until the gout was in check. Only thing was, once the gout was in check, emotionally he felt worse and not better. The bipolar he'd likely lived with all his life - he'd done some impulsive (not stupid or harmful) things over the years - but that made him look spontaneous and carefree - and when it was just him, it didn't necessarily make him "irresponsible" or "sick" looking because he managed to make his own way and stay financially afloat etc.

Once he was on the SSRIs we began a roller coaster ride. He wasn't abusive or even hard to live with - that's what made diagnosis hard, because his symptoms weren't "typical" and he wasn't out of control.

He ended up in hospital, they'd change meds, he'd get worse, not better - still no firm diagnosis - they just wanted to treat the "symptoms" and not "label" him... ARGH!

Long story short, after 9 months of all the wrong combinations of meds, he left here one day, on his way to work and detoured to the police station to turn himself in before he harmed himself or somebody else. He never was violent - in fact he's a big gentle bear of a man - but inside he was struggling so hard he was afraid to lose control. Thank God he had the presence of mind to put himself someplace safe. At that point, it left my "comfort zone" (he was living with me) and I asked him to move out. He moved in with his parents in another state. I'd HOPED once he got a real diagnosis and the right meds, he'd be OK but he stopped corresponding with me - and I think he's just sitting back watching the world go by and taking advantage of his parents <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Shame - it's a waste, but I tried to help him out but if he doesn't want to be helped, all you can do is wish them well, pray for them, and not be dragged down into it.

In hindsight I can "see" certain behaviours that were most likely manic symptoms - he'd become fixated on things - he was going to take up hiking again and had long lists of equipment he wanted to buy (but no money to buy it)... TIVO - he was going to soup up my TIVO, put new software on it, joined 3 online forums for it, but never followed through. That sort of thing. Nothing was harmful or destructive (unless he'd had access to a credit card!), but he'd fixate and obsess on things for several weeks, then drop them.

I see this behaviour that you are describing in your wife as very similar, but she's acting out the mania in other ways.

I also have a client that was out of control on the wrong meds - he'd come here and spend $500-600 without even thinking about it - and I didn't know he was bipolar. After he nearly committed suicide (he phoned me taunting me and threatening to "check out" - I sent the police to his house and he spent 5 weeks "on vacation" (as he puts it) in a state mental facility. Once it was over, he was stable and on the right meds, he phoned me to thank me. He's been fine and manged on meds for 3 years now and he's going to be married in August - so there *IS* success in treating this disease. When he told me about the bipolar that all made sense. I asked him if I should have stopped him from shopping sprees in my business - he said no, he'd have told me to (insert expletive here) off and he'd have gone and spent it someplace else!!!

Bipolar has many faces and many ways for the sufferer to act out.

I have a feeling that if she got stable on the right meds, she might intensely regret what she's putting you through right now - but if she can't or won't get the right treatment, there's nothing you can do. It's very frustrating and very sad.

JinGA