I’ve been a longtime lurker here but felt compelled to finally register and participate because I could really use some valuable assistance and advice from those of you who have done Plan B. Specifically, how do you prepare and get your ducks in a row to execute Plan B? My particular questions are down below, but I’ll try to summarize my story; apologies for the length.
I’m 34, WW is 35, married 11 years this summer, with two DS’s, ages 8 and 6. I’ve been engaged in a Plan A since early January. D-Day for finding out about my WW’s A was in late December, although I don’t even recall the exact date truth be told. I knew something was up given cell phone texting; she wasn’t even sneaky about it. The atmosphere at home had been stressful for some time before that.
When I finally confronted her about it, after maybe a week or so, she came right out and said she was in love with OM, who is 15 years her senior. For purposes of my broken heart, that was D-Day because it sent me into total chaos…physical illness, sleeping problems, etc. In love after less than two months together. And totally blindsided by it. Subsequently, she came clean and admitted lying to me about times she was with him under false pretenses. And she also lied about the date she met him, via the internet.
We’ve discussed our marriage countless times and know what went wrong, but WW refuses to even try to reconcile or even try to heal. She has completely shut things down. Says it’s too late. This was her position almost immediately after D-Day and remains so to this day, a totally intractable position. Went to one counseling session, which was unworkable for both of us. But now that preconceived notion—that fatalistic attitude has taken root, and I honestly can’t tell what’s due to her A with the OM and what’s her. I know—I sincerely want to think that if not for the OM—that we’d have a fighting chance.
So in early January, I went on the offensive, in search of trying to fix my 50% of my marriage and inspire her to reconnect (using Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness program and employing several other sources, books, etc), working diligently, being disciplined, trying to instill and maintain new positive habits, and learning to forgive her.
Our background is that I was caught in an EA myself about two years ago, on the verge of a PA. We had had some blurring of the sexual lines and had experimented in various ways infrequently for several years prior and that adds a layer of complexity to things. My A was borne of emotional needs not being met, just as I wasn’t meeting hers. Problem is, neither of us fixed things after trying to get past my brush with being a WH. I was confronted with it, and lied to her face about it out of being scared. I still don’t know why to this day and that has been one of my biggest torments. I pledged to get counseling, but we then bought a house, and that, along with jobs, kids, life in general all just got in the way and I never followed up with that. I realize that my own history is one of self-reliance—the traditional male role of burying things away, trying to bootstrap myself and get over the problem. Except that I never did- I never fully got right with myself, nor corrected my behavior, nor she hers. So she states she had tried to fix things but to no avail. I was either oblivious to this or her efforts were half-hearted. Or I misinterpreted them as thinking everything was OK, thus driving the emotional wedge deeper.
Now I have changed. My outlook, my behavior, the entire way I look at relationships. It’s all crystal clear now in fact. She thinks it’s too little too late. Moreover, she can’t begin to address her own underlying issues because of the fog of the A. Her issues revolve around a lack of having her identity, due to being a SAHM (a choice we agreed to early in our marriage, but one she says, like many other things, I forced her into or that she was so eager to please me that she didn’t please or satisfy herself.) And while we don’t have a lot of interests in common, she points to my continued efforts to push a square peg in a round hole, in terms of outdoors activities, sports, interests, etc. That is true, and something only now I realize that caused her incremental pain. She claims I had unreasonable expectations for what our marriage should be, that I don’t accept her (which is crap because if that were true, I’d have left myself years ago) and that the OM offers her to be her, that she is more comfortable with him than she ever was with me—which cut me to the bone.
An added wrinkle is that OM is 250 miles away and she has been largely flying back and forth, commuting on weekends to be with him. I’ve been a de facto single parent when she leaves Friday and returns Monday AM. She’s taking off work to be with him. Her A has been totally conspicuous- gifts from OM, her talking about him early on freely (which I finally addressed), and OM has been in my house.
She disclosed to her mom, who is trying to be nonjudgmental about things evidently and it’s been the proverbial white elephant. At first, I thought it totally inappropriate for her to be discussing our marital problems with others; now I realize that exposure is imminent as I can no longer hide from it. I realize that my efforts to ‘protect her integrity’ by pretending everything was alright externally only enabled her behavior and sullied my own integrity—made me feel dirty. I just kept grinding along with Plan A and trying to keep as pure a spirit as possible. With a few slips, I’ve tried to SHOW her I love her. And truth be told, the journey has been remarkable. I’ve gotten honest with myself, I understand how I hurt her and I was hoping to see some change, even imperceptible. Nothing except an increase in tension, to the point where now over the past 48 hours (on the tail end of her going to see him for a 5 day stretch) she says she doesn’t even want me to touch her.
So back on topic with Plan B and what to do.
I realize now, and so many people here have given voice to the very things I’m feeling, that I can’t go on like this. I can be consistent, patient and try to thaw the ice and reconnect, but know that that might be virtually impossible given her relationship with the OM. I realize that I need to set a boundary for my own sanity, but try to do so in a way that isn’t an ultimatum, threat or demand. I do love my WW and still believe her to be my soulmate. And I love my DSs so much and can’t bear to put them through this.
But I’m close to a Plan B. WW is having her cake and eating it too—the passion of the OM, without regard to financial worries, kids, or responsibility, but also able to feel accepted at home by me, in a loving, caring environment that I’m trying to restore and demonstrate. I know what I need to do. But in trying to effect the Plan B letter and execute on it, I really pray for some guidance from some of you about the logistics of planning this…
• How do you physically separate? Since the OM is in a different town, but her job is here, can I reasonably expect her to leave the house? If so, the financial strain on us, which is already significant, would only explode. I don’t have an alternative if we lose the house. If not, where would she go? She couldn’t afford to live elsewhere either unless OM bankrolled it. I can’t get past the mechanics of how this would work.
• If she did move out or leave for Plan B, I have to arrange after school for the kids, which also costs money. The time constraints to get them then might interfere with my job, adding even more stress.
• Since we’re not in DV proceedings, it wouldn’t be appropriate to change the locks on the house, but don’t know how to ensure the ‘no contact’ rule.
• Most importantly, and I’ve not read anything about this here: what do I say to the kids? How do you explain this?
• How long do you carry on a Plan B?
Thanks to any and all of you who can lend an ear and offer your thoughts, opinions, etc. I am at a proverbial and literal crossroads in my life, one that has repercussions for a lifetime to several lives that hang in the balance in no small part to what I choose to do.
