Yes I sent it and she told me everthing and it was'nt as bad as I thoguht.

The problem is now shes out of town for the night for work. I called her and talked for a couple hours. I just don't know if its going to work out. She said its been a very long time since shes bee happy. She says that me and her cant go out and just have fun that I don't like the things that she does.

She also has a huge problem becasue I m so passive and she is very aggresive and she wants me to be in control and take charge. I know this is becasue of her job becasue shes always gone and we never see each other.

The other problem is she says we rushed into getting married that she wishes that I would have lived alone longer to become more independent. She also said that she wishes that she got excited to see me and that all the passion and romance is gone. Once again her job

I told her I would do what ever I just didnt want to lose her becasue I love her more than anthing. I told her she needs to quit but she ays she cant becasue of reference reasons. I have a job interview in the morning need everyone praying. I am also putting our house for sale, pray for that too.

I keep asking her if she wanted it to work out and she could not give me and answer she just keep saying I just imagined marriage different, and don t understand the benifit of it. She also said a few times I love you just not in love with you. Whats that all about.

Is it too late? told her I would do better being the husband I need to be.
We are going to start conceling but she really doesnt seem interested in it or really cares if it works. I m scared please help me and pray for me

Tim...How certain are you that her affair is over? I sense that you should be doing some snooping right now...Are you doing that?

Mrs. W

I do know that it is over 100%. She has to travel for work I even called her at hotel shes in AR right now and he lives way down in MS. We have just become distance latly becasue her job is 3 to 4 nights a week travel. This really was the only time that it happened. I not even worried about that right now I can work though taht I worried about me not being able to give her what she wants.

Tim...

I can appreciate you wanting to be the best husband that you can be...That is very admirable and part of a good Plan A...However, you've stated that she remained in contact with this exbf for 3 years..Do you understand that this was an EA long before it became a PA? She MUST have NO CONTACT with this person for LIFE...It is that that you should be inspecting and be very worried about, because her exbf is POISON to your marriage, and no amount of your meeting her needs will save your marriage as long as he is in the picture...Can you check her cell phone records?

If she is still in contact with this OM, marriage counseling will be a HUGE waste of money...And she will NOT seem interested in it if she is still in contact...

Please understand that I am asking you all of this as a FWS myself...My affair was with an exbf...I really do have an idea of what is going on here, and I want you to as well...You can't just take her word for it on the issue of contact...That is something that you have to verify right now...

Mrs. W

Can you explain how you KNOW this?

Mrs. W

Well yea shes been around me ever minute since he lives over 100 miles from us. Shes in the complete opoisite direction from him probaly 250 miles. This was really a one time thing she was drunk it was her ex boyfriend that she has always want approval from and she really does feel bad.I just don't think she want to be married anymore becasue its alot of work and no play

i min school right now so she gets up and goes to work everyday while i sleep in late and then go to school. i do have a small yard business on the side but its her income we depend on. and I also am kinda lazy at home she cooks does the landuary etc. I am also a passive person and she saids she needs someone to control her to tell her what to do.

She want some time to seperate and to think should I give it to her. I just afraid if we do that that she will find what shes looking for and not wan tme back but i am willing to change and do what ever it takes to keep her

Ok Tim...I understand what you are saying I think...Basically you think that as long as she isn't with him physically that the affair is over, am I correct? If so, then you really need to do some reading on this site about Emotional Affairs...If she has ANY contact with this exbf at all, the AFFAIR continues...Do you understand that?

Further, if this phone/email contact is continuing, then you can bet that with her job taking her out of town as often as it does, that it WILL become physical again-assuming that OM isn't in prison and can travel...I'm not trying to slam you when you are down here, but I do think that you need to wake up and do so real quick like, lest you be blindsided again...

Also, her needing "space and time" is code for "I need to go continue my affair without you being in the way"...Seriously, that is straight from the WS Handbook...If she needs space, tell her to go sit in the bathroom...Married people do NOT get "space" from each other...Giving her this "space" will throw your marriage into a gutter...The solution here is spending time together in the same space...

Does your wife still have contact(email or phone) with the OM that you know of? Are you going to snoop to find out/verfiy?

Mrs. W

Tim,

Just a suggestion here, but try to keep things on one thread for a while. It makes it easier for late comers to catch up and understand what you have gotten for advice already.

I think you have to understand a couple of things before any of the advice will make sense to you. You must be sure that you have read the Basic Concepts on this site and understand them. Anything you don't fully get right now you should ask specific questions about.

The second thing you need to realize is that you aren't going to solve this by negotiating, brow-beating or educating your wife. If she is still in contact with this guy, the affair continues. It isn't just having a physical relationship that causes the problem. If it were only physical, it would likely just be a "whoops" and life could go on. She is rewriting the history of your marriage in an effort to justify her actions and it is because there is an emotional attachment to this other guy.

What Plan A entails is not a swift guaranteed tactic that brings the affair to an end by demonstrating the errors of your wife's ways. It is an attempt at winning her back by making her fall in love with you again. You do that by meeting her ENs as much as she allows, by changing what needs to be changed in YOU so that she can see what your relationship can be if she stays with you, and by avoiding all Love Busters, including disrespectful judgements, which your trying to convince her that she is wrong and should just do the right thing is actually accomplishing.

Have you read Surviving An Affair yet? It has a real PLAN for recovery that should make this more clear.

There are no magic bullets that when you find the right one will bring this to an end. You will not make your pain go away by trying to make her feel guilty or by showing her every article or post that strikes a cord with you.

From A to A, the dynamics are pretty much the same. Only the names and certain details vary. That is why this stuff works.

Bottom line is this; you aren't going to fix this overnight and what you need is a specific plan that you can execute, step by step despite what she is doing or how she seems to respond at each juncture. The shotgun approach of jumping around and showing her what this site has to offer will not work. You need to save your marriage first, then you can work on building it up so this doesn't happen again.

If every conversation you have with her is about the A and how wrong she was it isn't building your balance in her Love Bank (LB$) and trust me when I say that grovelling and begging is having the exact opposite effect you desire.

Mark