My WH is currently living with OW in her flat. She has moved from the other side of the world and is now livng here in my country with him. However, apparently she has always planned to move over here and has a brother living here as well and so, in his words, he has never asked her to move over here for him.

I filed for D this week and WH couldn't have been happier. However, he's told me that OW is moving out of the flat any time now and he's taking over the lease for it. He told me 2 months ago he is not persueing a relationship with her and he's been honest with her about that.

I just need all you vets to let me know if you think he's telling the truth. I don't want everyone to just say 'he's lying lying lying' without really taking into consideration the fact that he might just be telling the truth and that his affair was indeed an exit affair.

I'm almost believing him, but it doesn't make total sense that he would not even be interested in marriage counselling with me, is happy to walk away from his 2 year old daughter and is very happy for the divorce if at the same time his affair looks to be ending. He says he's telling me the truth and isn't hiding anything on that score.

Is it possible that a WS realises the affair relationship isn't going anywhere, (even though when he first left me he wanted to marry this girl) but at the same time still has no desire to try and save his marriage? Though I don't believe this part, he is adamant he should never have married me, but who knows...it might just be the truth which I need to face.

We've been separated for 18 months. Affair going on for 2.5 years.

How can we know any better than you do? All indications are that your WH is a lying b*stard from what you've posted in the past. He forced you to be the one to end the marriage so that you could be seen as the 'bad guy.' I just don't see any redeeming qualities in him and I would assume he's lying.

Could be that she used him to get residency (if she's from a country where it's difficult to get visas), and now she no longer needs him, but he doesn't want to admit to this. This was my suspicion about 'our' OW. Luckily, it didn't get that far.

She definately didn't use him for a visa. He's not a citizen of this country.....infact, I'm his sponsor, so she's gotten in some other way.

I guess i'm just more trusting of everyone else's intuition than my own and I'm still no expert on all this.

Bottom line is what does it matter what he is doing with or feels for the other woman at this point. He has made it clear by his actions (relayed by your words) that he doesn't want to be married to you. An 18 month separation...a 2.5 year affair...thrilled that you are filing for divorce...Lucyloo, I think it is just time to face the fact that your M is over and for you to begin the healing and moving on process. I just wonder why after all this time you have not gone dark on him.
Frankly though, perhaps it is time for you to examine why YOU are still holding on. It really is, IMO, time to let him go.



These are your words from another post two months ago...
And this man threatened to kill your father. Lucyloo... IMO, IC is in order to find out the issues that have kept YOU in this drama filled situation. You deserve so much more out of life... so does your daughter.

I always find myself agreeing with you mkeverydaycnt. And really, that is the freedom I want...to truly be able to say 'what does it matter now?'.

It's been impossible to go dark on him because I had no-one who could drop off and pick up our 2 year old daughter to him at the train station every Saturday. Only my father who WH threatened to kill, so that wasn't an option.

I read something interesting about my personality type (ESFJ) and STBXH's (ENTP) recently...my personality type finds it difficult to let go of a bad relationship...his personality type finds it easy.

OK....I'm letting go. This will be my last post of it's kind.

Now... having been there myself... is there anything I can offer you to help you through the pain of letting go? I know it is hard Lucyloo...it really sucks... but it gets so much better with time and perspective.

opps...you must have been editing your post as I was replying.

I guess, further thinking about your question as to why I'm still keeping myself in this drama...well....I guess what's holding me together, and has been for some time now is the belief that I wasn't really a 'mistake'. And that one day...ONE DAY...he would tell me he was wrong. That he let go of something precious.

And I guess, finding out that his affair might be ending gives me that answer. If he's loosing her and still doesn't want me = I was a mistake.

So, wanting that answer is what's keeping me in this drama. And maybe that's what I need to just let go of. Maybe I was a mistake, maybe I wasn't.

Does it even matter.

YOU were not a mistake... HE was the mistake.
And really... two years, threatening your dad..living with another woman...
YOU could throw a dart at a phone book and come up with a better mate than this! Resolve NOT to take this anymore. He is typical of abusers... and yes, he is an abuser... he will say and do the minimum to keep whatever control he still feels he has on you....don't fall for it..you deserve better... I KNOW I deserved better... and guess what, I found it, in myself.

MEDC

I think, as you said, I need IC now. I haven't had any form of counselling throughout all this. And I know I had a tonne of issues within me before all this. Before I was even married...so I hate to think what's lurking underneath just waiting to resurface.

I understand about time and perspective...I just seem to sway back and forth a little more than the average person...sure of myselt...doubting myself.

I think I'm probably still in some form of denial about him and the kind of person he is. He was going to be a pastor for pete's sake! And I've always been the type to blame and look at myself.

But...I am finding that place you're talking about, in myself. I have much to be grateful for compared to the majority of the world.

Dear lady:


In my opinion, you have been played. Sorry. The MOB scene was one I studied when I was traveling for a living overseas and it is rife with exactly that situation.

Larry

Lucyloo, I have to agree with Larry178. I don't know where your H was from but I was in a very similar situation. Married a 'wonderful' man who worshiped the ground I walked on untll I said 'I do' then I became property and it went down hill VERY quickly after that. I had to basically run away from home, escape, halfway across the country with a one year old child and the only money I had I had borrowed from my dad. I left pretty much everything, even my car. It took a long time to reconstruct my life. But when God closes a door He opens a window. Trust God. He will never ever let you down. Also, you are absolutely not a mistake. God made you to be exactly what and who you are and loves you more than you can comprehend.

Oh lucy;

Don't take your value from this man.
He says you were a mistake, so now you're questioning your worth? And thinking he might be right? Or holding on so that you can hear him say he didn't mean it?

This man is NOT right. What integrity does this man have? NONE. Why would you take his word for ANYTHING?

Don't wait for him to tell you that you weren't a mistake. Take back your power. Do not let him define you.

Thank You guys. I'm hearing what you're saying.

Larry, ahopefulone, it probably seems like I was being played, but believe me when I say I wasn't. My WH is half British half American. He didn't marry me for my visa. He idolised America and would rather have lived there any day than here in my country.

I'm truly sorry to hear your story ahopfulone. What an absolute nightmare. My head tells me I'm not a mistake - how could I be as a child of God? But getting my heart to really believe it is a whole different thing right now.

Thank you Lexxxy. I needed this kick up the butt!!