Thanks everyone again for the great words of encouragement.

It was an interesting holiday weekend. On account of rain literally almost nonstop for 3 days, we were largely indoors. I pinned WW down on Saturday AM because I wanted to discuss what her thoughts were on DV proceedings, selling the house, etc, and especially what her plans were in terms of either moving out and staying here or moving up to be with Roger Ramjet (aka the OM, see below). She said she didn’t know and doesn’t know what her plan is.

I gently, tactfully, calmly but firmly told her that was not acceptable. I told her that I cannot and WILL not go on in limbo like this. We don’t know how long the house will take to sell, and if it entails moving and so forth, we need to begin preparations in earnest for potentially switching schools for the boys, etc, etc. I told her flat out that she is stuck at dead center, but that I am not. If she wants to move on but is taking no action to effect it, then I will. I laid out the case for Plan B in essence, telling her that any positive feelings I have for her are being eaten alive right front of my very eyes.

And with that, I asked her straight out about the boys.

In short, WW agreed to give me primary custody!

She agreed to put it into writing as well, as we’re working through a collaborative DV in terms of separation of assets and such. The boys were my primary focus throughout all of this, so I’m confident she vocalized that. Certainly I shall not let me guard down and will ensure that we follow up to that end, but her giving voice to it is huge. We are also about to list the house and starting to do things to get it ready for sale. Lot of loose ends, but I’m the grownup now, as I see it, so if it is to be, it is up to me.

Also, since there have been so many humorous nicknames for various waywards and such (Wayzilla still makes me laugh!), I have taken to calling the OM “Roger Ramjet” on account of him being a pilot. Don’t know if anyone else remembers this cartoon, but the self-sanctimoniousness I get from WW about Mr. Wonderful just makes it a perfect moniker for a guy who I’d love to whack in the face with a shovel.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Ramjet

So here’s to Roger Ramjet, superhero and homebreaker! LMAO!

Roger Ramjet, I remember.

Sounds like you are taking the lead here, CR, and that is good. She sounds pretty passive right now. The whole "I don't know what I am going to do thing" is so like what I remember my WH saying. I think they really don't know. That, however, is not your problem, as the children aren't just going to take care of themselves, y'know.

Hopefully, you are feeling stronger right now, you sound like you are. You are accomplishing a lot here, and should know that I stand in awe; I never had to list my house, but knew that the time was approaching.

Keep it up, you are doing a great job!

Hey Crossroads, just been reading your thread. It's amazing how all of us seem to go through all the same generic crap with affairs.

Let's not forget who the real superhero is here. Wish I could have applied MB principles as well as you have here.

Heard some things the other day, which finally kicked my owm butt into a proper Plan B.

Winners never quit and quitters never win.

A winner gets up one more time than they fall down.

Life doesn't consist of holding a good hand of cards, but playing a poor hand well.

Good luck my man.

Thanks CEG_UK!

Your post, and what it reflects, is exactly what helps gives me strength too. I’ve been starting to tell my friends about my impending DV and the support, beyond just lip service, has been beyond what I thought. You really do start to realize who your true friends are. I have also made it clear to mutual friends that I don’t want to put them in an uncomfortable or awkward spot, by any means. One thing that has helped me is that I’ve been diligent about keeping up friendships with people; WW has not. I feel terribly for her in that sense, but it buoys up my spirits in a genuine sense (and I’ll admit my ego in a superficial sense) when a friend tells me that it is I who have kept in touch and not her.

And CEG- there are a lot of superheroes here, that’s for sure. I was stuck in dead center for a long time in terms of taking action to save my own sanity. I had already renewed my soul by my own actions in Plan A. While that didn’t get traction with WW, it did for me. But it was the advice, the mirror stories to my own situation reading here that have inspired me to move forward.

So with that said, I can tell you that there will be no Plan B. Not in the context of reconciliation. If anything, I’d prefer a Plan B to just boot her to the curb if I could right now.

This week has been another difficult one, busy with both work and personal stuff.

Memorial Day weekend, as I noted earlier, was a stressor and while the major victory of getting primary custody (which I don’t think she would go back on, because she quiet frankly doesn’t want them!), and that tension lapsed over into this week.

By DS6 turns 7 tomorrow. Well, they are going to their grandparents out of state tonight now, not next Tuesday as originally planned. DS6 is OK with deferring his birthday party because the grandparents are going to have one there and he had a few buddies who couldn’t make it so he wanted to wait until they could all come. Fine.So last night we had his birthday dinner and then we began to pack them up and such for today’s departure (after the final half day of school).

WW went to the tanning place, so I was with the boys. They’re squabbling a bit, I got them back on track, and then my other son, 8, comes down crying. He doesn’t want to go. Doesn’t want to leave me. Is afraid of losing me. My DS8 is very mature and level headed and for it to hit him like that is a remarkable thing. I had a heart to heart with both of them. They see the family breaking up and are bewildered by this whole thing. DS8 told me unsolicited that he wanted to live with me too. And DS6 and I ended up on our front curb on the street talking things over; he’s a far more emotional type so it’s more challenging to work with him. He doesn’t like his school and wants to move back cross-town where we came from; well, we might actually do that depending on when I can unload this damn house.

And all of that did nothing to help assuage the feelings I’m having about or toward her, to be honest. And she wanted me to take her to the airport Sat to drop her off to go see Roger Ramjet! I told her flat out I can’t and won’t do it anymore, logistics of her uncertain return time or date notwithstanding, I hope she understands how I feel. But I can’t get her to move out. And I might just go visit some friends myself this weekend and “live a little” as she recommended I do when I was stuck cleaning the house, doing laundry and being the grown up and parent for the past 5 months. 

So this led to an email barrage today about that. I talked to her last night when she got back about what the boys said. I got the classic predictable blather: “You are taking a victim mentality with this whole thing, convincing yourself that everything is my fault simply because I am the one who finally had enough and made the decision to end it. If you want to lay blame on me for everything, so be it. We both know that it took mistakes on both our parts to get us to the point where we find ourselves today.”

And I responded to her flat out that I’m not a victim- THEY ARE. And I can be as mature and disciplined about this as I choose to be, even subjugating my feelings about this, but when it involves them, and I’m seeing the pain it’s beginning to cause them as they come to a realization of dramatic change looming, that I’m going to give voice to that. I did so in a respectful manner, both last night and earlier. But she pulled that card out. So be it.

As long as we can spread the blame, she’s comfortable. And WW knows I’ve not been a victim nor played one—I’m well beyond that—my Plan A helped renew my soul in that way--I have taken responsibility for my past deeds and accountability for my present situation. It is she who has chosen to not try to address her problems, since December forward.

And Lord knows, I don’t want WW to feel uncomfortable about things! LOL!

Newsflash: it IS uncomfortable. Pretending won’t change that. Nor will playing nice make any conscience or guilt that she feels, if you feel any, go away. Just run to Roger Ramjet, WW, as that’s what she’s good at.

And all of this reminds me of that saying, be careful what you wish for…

Isn’t that the truth?

Hey Xroads, how's it going. See you haven't posted for a couple of days.

I see you're in Plan A and it working well for you. But your thread has a lot of underlying anger; not that I blame you. How much can a man suck up this [email]cr@p?[/email]

Don't let her offload guilt on you. You have done nothing wrong. I got similar from my X and I actually started believing it and apologising for being a poor husband. God I wish I could go back and withdraw that statement. The WW needs treating with absolute contempt and reminding of the destruction and unhappiness they've caused. If she goes running to OM and keeps offloading on him that's not going to be particularly healthy for that relationship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But sounds like she's still a bit in control here, especially if she thinks she can get you to take her to the airport.

Plan B is not necessarily about a reconcilliation, but more about getting yourself out of the chaos and taking control.

I finally understand that now. I am now much happier not seeing her, not talking to her. It still tugs when I have to exchange kids and so on but it's certainly getting easier and given me some perspective.

So Friday night I had a series of text exchanges with her. When I had called her parents to talk to the boys, I got to talking with my FIL, just a man to man talk, I didn’t throw WW under the bus, but mentioned how difficult all of this is and so forth. He said he too was rather unhappy with her and is was clear that he too is struggling with this. So a while later, WW says “keep it between us” and “no one else needs to be involved in this”.

Her motivation is crystal clear and she is trying to cover it up. I told her that I’m going to have conversations of my choosing and at my discretion. Certainly, I haven’t and won’t trash her but I’m done skulking around in the shadows about all of this, and that includes to family.

With her and the boys gone, I had a great weekend! Went golfing, friend’s BBQ and saw Spamalot with some buddies all Saturday. And a great brunch and afternoon with another friend yesterday. I decided to take her advise the “live a little”!!

It’s peaceful and calm with her gone and I’m not missing her at all. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or what. But just the separation right now is so immensely therapeutic and the motivation for Plan B is so apparent as a self-preservation gesture.

I’m not terribly angry really, and have processed much of those feelings well. Or at least better than I did. I’m looking forward to the week alone, quite frankly.

Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier!! LMAO

Well, it’s been an interesting absence. My WW was gone all last week, from the 1st through the 11th. She went to Vegas with Roger Ramjet and had a great ole time, I’m sure. So I had a blast! Kids are still visiting grandparents, so I got to golf, go out, do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, and enjoyed myself fully. It was, all joking aside, very therapeutic and relaxing.

So fast forward to this past Monday. WW returns that morning on a flight and that evening, I press her for closure and that we need to urgently get finances in order, delineate bills, etc. She is non-plussed about it so I continue to press that no matter what she thinks or no matter what she has planned, I can no longer live like this. I need closure, and most importantly, the boys do because ideally I want to move by the time school resumes. She said she was tired from having gotten up early that AM to fly home and asked to wait. I agreed but with her commitment it would be done this week. Again, there was a sidebar discussion of our marriage, etc. This was one of the more emotional discussions on her part, with her crying off and on throughout. She again affirmed that I could have primary custody sicne they always “liked me best” anyhow. There were also numerous derogatory comments oft repeated about my spending during the prior week.

She also had moved my clothes out of my closet to the guest room, along with the contents of the bathroom, shower and drawers. She stated she was reclaiming her bedroom—the bedroom she decorated, the furniture that she purchased, etc. I said I wasn’t the one who defiled that bed and I had no intention of leaving. I was in bed and stayed there.

Now yesterday was a different gig altogether. Last night, I went up to bed to do some reading and called a friend. WW soon came in to use the bathroom and so forth, so I got off my phone call. WW immediately begins saying I don’t need to hang up that I didn’t have to be secretive. I responded that it’s not about being secretive, it’s about me protecting my privacy. I added that since I had to hear her talking to Roger Ramjet for some length downstairs, she obviously lacks any sense of tact or discretion, because I don’t want to hear that and shouldn’t be subjected to it. She responded that I also don’t have to scuttle my PC activity just because she comes in the study. My response was again, that I’m discussing my marriage, talking with several people, male and female alike (chatting with friends and various supportive people), and it’s a private matter that I’m not wanting to disclose. We exchanged more words about it, and then as she walked out of her closet, stood in front of me, I dismissed her to return to my book.

She then hit me! Reached over in one flash with an open palm with the butt of her left hand across my right cheekbone and ear. I did not retaliate nor respond. My demeanor through this conversation was absolutely placid.

A few moments later, I walked to her room (the guestroom, I might add…I’m holding my own turf in my own damn bed!), and firmly put her on notice that if she strikes me again, I will call the police, get a restraining order and then we will be physically separated for certain, involuntarily if need be. I strongly told her that abuse of that kind if totally inexcusable, that I’ve never hit her, would never do so, and it’s totally unacceptable that she has now done so twice. There won’t be a third strike. I also recommended she seek counseling for her anger issues, since she’s still enraged about the past, tormented by it, almost swallowed up by it.

Her response again was to discuss the past, how I ruined her life, it’s my fault, etc. I answered her with the same consistent and measured response that I have for some time—that I accept responsibility for my faults, I’ve accepted the consequences and am accountable for the situation now. But I am not responsible for her behavior, and hope she eventually does get past this for the sake of her own sanity and inner peace. It hurts to see her in such anguish. It’s tearing her up.

So, whaddya think MB crowd? Did I handle this OK? Should I’ve called 5.0? Is that warning enough? I just want this to be over!

What I am concerned about X is whether or not you have the firm, written, notarized, attorney approved agreement you want in place??? If not do not believe anything WW says, only what she does. Heck, she hit you and yet she is the one to blame for the position she is in now. Get that "hard" agreement in place ASAP! Custody, finances, house, etc.

You are doing great by the way!

Good lord, Crossroads! What a bafoon she is to hit you! She will regret that something awful someday.

You are handling things well; Yes, the 5.0 should have been called, but you warned her now, so that's that. No more handouts for her wayward [censored], m'kay?

Get that agreement in order and then get her out of that house. She is building to something, and you need not be around for it. She's got some [email]d@mned[/email] nerve to go on her little trips with Roger Ramjet, and then come home and hit YOU. Biotch! That's dispicable behavior, and she knows it. Seriously, it's beyond me why WS's don't consider themselves lucky that they aren't maimed by the BS during their affairs.

Get the legalities settled and go dark. I mean, how childish is it to say that the kids always "liked you best". Fishing for you to make her feel better about her poor parenting. Not cool.

Right on both counts, both of you.

On a serious note, I think she is really beginning to have a more emotional manifestation of things. For months, it was cold. Chilly. No tears, no emotions from here really. Now she’s softening there, but her heart has not. It’s an interesting and sad thing to see your once soulmate be tormented and suffer at the same time she claims to be so happy with her new man.

I know I need to be concerned with the legality of things too. She finally is getting her driver’s license renewed so she can cut over the car to her name and the insurance and I mine. Separate bank accounts looming as well. And after reconciling the bills, we have a realtor appointment Saturday AM and will be listing the house.

My biggest apprehension is how long it might take to sell the house. That’s my biggest worry right now.

And I’m glad that in TX, alimony/spousal support is not a given. If she shacks up with Roger Ramjet, I’ll be damned if I give her a red cent. If anything, I’m going for child support. Won’t that be something?

Yes, you should have called the police and you should take photos now of your cheek and ear. In fact, if I were you, I would call the police now, report it and the previous incident--and just have it on file even if there is no physical proof such as a bruise or mark. That way, when she hits you again, there will be a record that she is domestically violent, and she will be arrested and it will be a record you can use to get a restraining order. You WILL get a restraining order. She will not be allowed back in the house. After she bails out of jail, she will NOT be coming back to the house. When she does come back, the police will have to escort her to pick up her CLOTHING ONLY. She will not be moving furniture out.

Crossroads, I don't mean this in a "revenge" kind of way, but she has GOT so suffer some of the consequences of her choices here!!

I personally vote for calling the police now, reporting the previous incident and the one last night, and getting it ON THE OFFICIAL RECORD. Then, even if she "reneges" on the custody, she has a domestic violence record and that will NOT look good for a custody battle.



--CJ

That’s a really good idea. Just as a matter of record. What do I do? Just go to the cop shop and file a report? Can you do that just on hearsay or what?

Unfortunately (unfortunately? Egads!) there are no bruises or anything given the kind of hit it was. I do have pics from the first time with my shiner though.

Take the pic with the shiner, and have the date/time on it (if it's not like those digital cameras that HAVE the date embedded). You can go to the police station and just ask the person at the desk, "How do I do this?" or you can call the non-emergency number and ask that person for the procedure. (BTW, it's non-emergency now because it is not taking place right now). Usually, you speak to an officer and tell them what happened...and they take notes and write a report. Depending on the evidence, they still might go and arrest her today (I'm just saying...it's conceivable but unlikely if you have no bruise or mark on your face). Anyway, they will help you through the process and ask you questions so they can get all the info they need.

Now, Crossroads, I'm going to tell you something weird. When my exH was having his A, he kept telling me I was crazy and it was all in my head. Well...one day I got a hotel bill for "Mr. and Mrs. Faithful" when I knew that *I* had been nowhere near the place, and he was SUPPOSEDLY at a work install! I took the receipt in hand, walked into his office (at our business), and slapped him across the face. He called the police--they came and I waited for them--and they asked me if I did it. I said, "Yep" and told them why. They said, "We understand ma'am and might have done the same ourselves...but it's against the law and we have to arrest you" and I understood.

Here's my point, Crossroads. It's one thing to have an A and fight with you verbally--it's quite another to physically assault you. I don't care how "entitled" she feels, that is not acceptable. So, if you do report it, and they do determine that it is an arrestable offence, don't freak out and try to prevent it. That just means that according to the law, they have enough evidence that what she has done is not acceptable TO SOCIETY. It's not YOU being a mean jerk--it is ALL OF US (your city and state) determining that her actions are unacceptable and punishable. It's out of your hands--all you did was report the TRUTH of what occurred.

FYI--in my previous life, my exH was physically abusive with me. When I hit him that one time for having an A and he called the police, I knew then that his excuse of "keeping private things between us" was just his way of covering his own tracks. So the next three times he hit me, I called the police. He said stuff to me like, "It's because of YOU that I have a police record now!!" If your WW says stuff like that to you, don't you listen. It is because of HER ACTIONS that she has a police record. She had several other choices--not the least of which was to walk away and go into her own room!! Making the choice to walk away would have prevented the police record. It's like exposure--all you did was expose the truth. If she is embarrassed by it, then she should stop.



--CJ

I agree with CJ here, Crossroads. File a report for the previous battery. Let the chips fall. It is unacceptable behavior. At a certain point, we allow the behavior of our WS's by not allowing the consequences of their actions to befall them.

That totally resonates with me, CJ. You rock.

You are right- it is HER actions that got her to this point. I know the perception will be one of retaliation and vindictiveness and I can pretty much be assured that this would drive the in-laws off the deep end if I did this, but I need to insulate myself. And, let’s be perfectly candid, it’s good strategy in case she gets duplicitous with the custody agreement. It’s more ammo in the gun, so to speak.

Your arrest story sound familiar actually- I had a similar incident. Guy parked me in at Target one time, I yelled at him, he grabbed me, I called the cops. 5-0 refuses to do anything (that “serve” part of Protect & Serve isn’t in vogue much anymore I guess) and so I was frustrated and said let’s call the whole thing off, along with a cuss word. They nabbed me because I swore in front of a minor child. Nevermind this guy was shouting obscenities in presence of my kids prior to their arrival. Funny how things go like that, huh?

I’ll have to call the local Constable’s office and ask some questions. I have the pics from the first incident on 23 April.

Let us know how it goes.

Usually, it has been my experience that I RARELY interact with police officers (law abiding little white-bread mommy here)...but when I do, as long as I act calm, factual, and respectful it usually goes well.

Update when you can...okay??

You bet CJ- will keep you updated.

I met with the realtor yesterday, as WW wasn’t back from Dallas yet after having gone up to visit Roger Ramjet. Lovely, huh? Putting the house up for sale and she misses it. She did, however, compile a list of furniture and major in-house assets and so forth though, along with what she wants to keep. I can’t squabble about much of that, really. At least there is some movement in that regard.

But she certainly has become a shrill, angry, bitter pain the butt.

And the best part?

Not a single word about Father’s Day. Nothing. Just incredible.

Good news! Some movement from the cake eater!

She sent me a list of the furniture and how she wanted to divvy things up. I don’t have any major squabbles with most of it, no showstoppers anyhow, and we’re seeing more movement in terms of her finally getting financially separated.

Funny thing is, much of the furniture is still being paid on and she offered to give me the living room furniture and the master bedroom stuff (sans mattress)—which have balances. I told her I’m not interested in either quite frankly. Furniture is in her name as well. So there’s room to horse trade with some of this I think. But the weird thing is I can’t sense whether she devised the list based on her living alone or with Roger Ramjet. Kinda odd.

I’m truly finding out that I don’t like her. Detest her in fact. And the knots in my stomach are about taking care of the boys, shifting into a role of primary parent and custody holder, and finding a place of my own.

Yup, Crossroads, deal with your own stuff, let her juggle hers, as she wants to leave you, she can deal with it. Just give it to her, without so much as a blink and walk away. Don't listen, don't squabble, NADA.

Give your energy to you and your boys and the sitch you guys are in. Take care of business. Also, since she IS the mother of your children, as soon as you can cut her off, do it, as you will need to distance yourself in order to co-parent and not bring emotion into the ring. It does sound like you are able to compartmentalize very well, but it doesn't hurt to err on the side of caution.

Good job, Crossroads!

I’m not totally bowed up about furniture, and I say that as a caveat up front. But splitting up some of it is interesting, because I don’t want the master bedroom stuff, neither does she (she and Roger Ramjet have picked out new furniture together—how sweet! LOL) so I may just leave it on her anyhow.

She’s on the hook for it financially and if she wants to horse trade, we can talk about it. But good point Silent—I’m not going to get into it with her. Just walk away. Start anew.

And she asked about child support as well. Presumably, based on the furniture discussion, she is moving to Dallas to be with him. She doesn’t have a job prospect, and I don’t know legally where her status (single, shacking, remarrying, etc) impacts my claim to child support. But I’m going for it, certainly. The ultimate irony is that Roger Ramjet might end up writing that check.

She’s trying to arrange it so she can keep her job here and work remotely for the time being, until she and RR can move back here. And she’d “be willing” to help me out for a few months until we get settled in and split costs for the boys. This is where legal guidance is more reliable than cake-eating triangulation, and that’s where I’ll get it formalized.